Taxi driver: Actually, I'm from Bangladesh.
Barney: The women hot there?
Taxi driver: Here's a picture of my wife.
Barney: (whispering) A simple no would've sufficed.
Taxi driver: Woah woah woah. Did you hit her?
Lilly: (laughs) Hit me? Please! This guy can barely spank me in bed for fun. He's all like "Oh honey did that hurt?" and I'm all like "C'mon let me have it ya pansy!"
Barney: Look, our forefathers died for the "pursuit of happiness," okay? Not for the "sit around and wait of happiness." Now if you want, we can go to the same bar, drink the same beer, talk to the same people every day or you can lick the Liberty Bell. You can grab life by the crack and lick the crap out of it.
Taxi driver: That was beautiful, man.
Barney: Did you sleep with her sister?
Ted: No..
Barney: Did you sleep with her mom?
Ted: No..
Barney: I'm losing interest in you story.
[Ted and Kelly talks at the really loud club]
Ted: You really like this place?
[Kelly nods]
Ted: You have no idea what I'm saying, do you?
[Kelly nods]
Ted: I'm from outer space!
[Kelly nods]
Ted: I got thrown out of Sea World for humping a dolphin!
[Kelly nods]
[The music suddenly stops]
Ted: I'm wetting my pants!
Lily: Don't Ted-out about it.
Ted: Did you just use my name as a verb?
Barney: Oh, yeah, we do that when you're not around. "Ted-out": to overthink. See also "Ted-up". "Ted-up": to overthink with disastrous consequences. For example, "Billy Tedded-up when he-"
Ted: All right, I get it!
Barney : I have a feeling that tonight you might end up being Jackie -"Oh"ed.
Lily: On Monday I'm going to have to tell my kindergarten class, who I tell not to run with scissors, how my fiancee ran me through with a broadsword.
Marshall: Technically, it didn't go all the way through.
Lily: I'm sorry, were we having a discussion about the degree to which you stabbed me?
Lily: So where are you from, Natalya?
Barney: She...who knows. The former Soviet republic of Drunk-Off-Her-Ass-Istan?
Claudia: No, no, no.... Listen to me, if I go to my wedding and the cake is not Tahitian vanilla, I will come down there and burn your little shop to the ground. Haha, do you wanna find out if I'm kidding?
Marshall: Ok, I'm just saying that it's my wedding too and I should have a say in it.
Lily: But I'm the bride. So, I win.
Marshall: But I thought marriage is about two equal partners, sharing a life together.
Lily: Right but I'm the bride. So, I win.
Ted: Yes, on Saturday, after a little wine and a little dancing...
Barney: Alright, they better be making a new gender, because I'm revoking your dude license.
Lily(on the wedding bouquet): It's such an evil tradition.
Ted: You're not gonna do it at your wedding?
Lily: Hell yeah! I'm gonna take that flower grenade and chuck it to the crowd and scream, "Crawl for it, *****es!" It's just what girls do.
Barney: Sorry buddy, wish I could help you but my hands are tied. Oh no wait. That was last night. (makes a whipping sound)
Barney(flips open his cell): This better be good. I'm about to enter Nirvana. By the way I should get you Nirvana's phone number, she gives a great massage. Say whaaaat?
Barney: Plus, here's the mini-cherry on top of the regular cherry on top of the sundae of awesomeness that is my life.
Lily: (Trying on wedding dresses) Oh, this dress is totally going to get me laid on my wedding night.
Barney: (To Marshall) You’re different. Now I suppose you could learn to love yourself for the unique little snowflake you are or you could change your entire personality – which is just so much easier!
Lily & Robin: (To Barney about their prom dresses) Alright, what do you think?
Barney: Horrible!
Lily: (Disgusted) You’d make such a great dad.
Barney: It’s so classy and nice; you’re going to stick out like a sore thumb. Have you seen how the kids are dressing these days? With the Ashley, and the Lindsay and the Paris. They all dress like strippers. It’s go ho or go home.
Lily: Well we have to get in. I have to see this band because we have to make a decision by Monday because I’m getting married in 71 days and we still…
Robin: (Cutting off Lily's panicked rant) Shhhh. Sweetie, just focus on one thing at a time. Okay? Right now you just have to dress like a whore and that’s it.
Lily: Alright.
Barney: Now that’s the spirit. Now ladies, slut up!
Robin: I’ll go with you.
Lily: Really?
Robin: Yea. I never got to go to my prom; we always had field hockey nationals in the spring.
Barney: (coughs) Lesbian!
Robin: The cough was supposed to cover the lesbian.
Barney: No, I’m trying to start at thing where the cough is separate.
Penelope: Is he a nice guy, or some jackass like Barney?
Barney: Hey!!
Penelope: You hit on my mom!
Barney: WE WEREN'T EXCLUSIVE!
Barney: Ted Mosby *wink* architect.
Barney: (From his letter) Dear... Resident, the time we spent together, however long it was, meant the world to me. I would love to see you again, but unfortunately, I cannot. You see, I am a ghost. I can only materialize once every decade on the anniversary of my death. I chose to spend my one day among the living with you, sweet... Resident. Perhaps we will meet again in another decade, provided you keep your figure. Until then, all my love from the beyond. Barney.