How do you tell someone you don't want to meet up??

  1. Hey,

    i don't know if i can get out of this dinner thing. i can't think of a way to do so so i decided to ask you savvy TPFers.

    I have this very distant relative. It's so distant i don't even know how we're related except that we are. We're about the same age though We've never been close, we see each other every year or two or 3 when we bump into each other at a wedding or some dinner.

    i think she wants to develop a relationship and she's been asking me to have dinner etc. but i'm not keen about this only because she asks questions that, to me, are invasive and personal. and when i give vague answers she doesn't get the idea that she's suppose to back off. :confused1: i don't mind having dinner and talking about movies and bags but i'm not going to be sharing what's going on in my personal life with her. not now, not ever.

    I don't want to offend her or hurt her but at the same time i'm not very keen to develop a relationship with someone who doesn't know how to maintain the appropriate boundaries.

    i would like to NOT have to meet up with her. but is there any way i can do that without offending her or alienating her?? I can't think of any way to do that. :shrugs:

    Do i just have to drag myself to have dinner with her while she asks questions that i do not want to answer but that i'll have to answer because i can't say "actually that's too personal, i don't want to answer it". she would consider that rude and then goodness knows who she'll complain to and it'll get back to my family and I'll be the evil one again. sigh. :yucky:

    my savvy tpfers, please help!!
  2. When something like this happens I politely decline claiming that "I'm really busy with work / family / personal issues right now and when I am ready to spend time together I'll be in touch". It's important to sound really stressed when you say it, and sound regretful etc etc. Just make sure it doesn't sound like you're dismissing her with a trite excuse.

    I've gotten rid of many relatives that way...:devil:
  3. NIce work Merika!! hmmm ok i'll have to work on sounding really stressed iguess? argh need to think of excuses why i'm busy.... and work busy is not an option unfortunately.

    last time i dragged myself to have dinner with her and i hoped that would be it. but apparently no such luck. she wants to meet again (hence my thread) :wtf: AND it's not like i was all warm and chummy the last time. some people don't get it?!?!

    what do i do when she follows up in a month and says how about meeting up again??

    This is so tough, i don't want to offend her but i don't want to get close either!

  4. Tell her that you caught a nasty case of small pox, but as soon as you think you're well, you'll call her right up! I'd also mention that you're intent on beating it on your own. Doctors are quacks!!
  5. LOL this is a funny excuse!

    I suggest you start keeping an "arsenal" of busy excuses. Anytime I wanna get out of something, it's unfortunately some friend's birthday party that I absolutely cannot miss, or a family member is sick, or I find I haven't been spending much time with family because of some reason or another. I agree with merika - just try to sound stressed and busy and you can generally get out of it.
  6. :roflmfao:

    that's a good one!!

    but i don't think it's going to work coss she'll quite readily find out i'm plain out lying since a) i've already had the pox and b) she'll tell her mom and her mom will talk to whoever relatives they know which will in turn result in me being exposed. OH HELP ME!!!

    Maybe i have an allergic reaction and the only way i can make it better is to rub myself with garlic and burn incense that smells bad....

    Ok back to believeable reasons....

  7. Pyrexia,

    Ok maybe im just NOT good at this but I can't possibly be busy every single night for a few weeks right??? especially since it's not like i'm carrie bradshaw party hopping away!!

    I'm going to try to stall and delay and just say i'm busy but i know she will get back to me and say what about in 2-3 weeks or she'll check back in in a few weeks and then what am I going to say? I'm STILL busy?

    why don't some people get the idea??:push:

    Guys - i know this seems simple to avoid, i just don't have the skill to things like that. so please bear with me =(

  8. LOL... I agree that you could use the ole busy with work/family/life thing....

    You could even take it one step further though, say you couldn't meet up for dinner due to obligations, but what about meeting up for lunch or coffee, etc? Something shorter that wouldn't be pure h*ll if she ends up accepting, but try to propose times/days or ideas that you KNOW she won't be available for.... (Evil, I know...)

    This way, it doesn't seem like you're being *rude* to your family by not meeting up, but its just one of those "Oh no, I guess its not going to work out right now... We'll have to get together sometime in the future. Keep in touch to let me know how things are going with you!!" type of things.... :graucho: Just a suggestion....

    There are honestly some friends that I have, that I can only handle in small doses... I love to hear from them over the phone/email - but you know, sometimes I have to use this...

    :ninja: Whoops, I hope none of them secretly signed up for tPF...
  9. Ok....I think rather than avoiding her shortening it is a good alternative, as well as developing strategies to deal with her. Learning to deal with unpleasant people is a good skill to acquire, afterall you can't always avoid them.

    So you could think of lots of passive aggressive responses to her personal questions....or you could just come right out at the beginning and say....
    "Can I tell you something?.....I don't want to hurt your feelings, so please don't take this the wrong way. I am an extremlely private person, and to be honest sometimes your questions embarass me, do you think we could keep it light?"

    That's what I would do :smile:
  10. ITA
  11. No is not in my vocab and I don't do well with confrontation so I would leave the country and change my name :roflmfao:
  12. Hey Twinkle,

    i totally need to develop better skills to deal with unpleasant people and situation. i'm not very good at that. =(

    yeah i'd like to be able to say that to her but i think she's going to be upset by that and then complain to her mom who will again tell whoever it is they know and word will make it's way back to my family and my parents who will then scream at me and be pissed with me for being rude to this *NICE* girl who simply wants to develop a relationship with me and who is so nice to take an interest and spend time with me. They won't care about what i have to say and my explanation. they'll just get it stuck in their head that i was RUDE to this nice girl.

    my immediate and extended family does not operate on open feedback or hearing both sides. they are all more than a handful. Sometimes i'd like to live on Mars or somewhere far where they can't get hold of me and cause stress to my life like this stupid meeet up thing!

    maybe i can say, oh let's talk about something less serious. there's too much seriousness in the world.... urgh i dread it. she always wantss to talk about her life and my life and what we want in the future but i'm sorry i don't want to talk to you about that. i'm sorry if i sound callous but i just want to share this with my close friends only.

    If i end up being unable to escape a meet up, i'll try that strategy twinkle and hint that i'm a private person. although the last meeting should already have indicated that. :sad:

  13. I hear you. I thought Mars or somewhere similarly far would be a good place - totally out of reach =) or maybe a cave....

    At least i don't have to change my name. i hate to be further inconvenienced!!:roflmfao:

  14. yes i'll propose something in the DAY!!! when she's working!! GUHAHAHAHA i'll propose ice cream or quick lunch maybe... can't propose coffee it'll be too obvious coss she doesn't have flex time

    i hope she's not on TPF either.... that would be BAD!!!:wtf:
  15. Anytime anyone ask's me a direct question I would prefer not to answer and don't want to come straight out and say NOYB, I say Why do you want to know? It put's it back on them and then I don't answer. They generally get the hint that it is something I consider personal and it was rude to ask and won't bring it back up.

    I would hate for your whole lunch to be you saying "Why do you want to know?" but I would think after the 1st or 2nd time she would realize you aren't going there with her. Good Luck!!