How do you deal with a family member that you do not like?

[pursemember]

i just ignore them or if something really serious happened tell them what i truly think of their behaviour and then turn my back on them
oh and one lesson i learned in life:
just because we are family does´t automatically makes us friends or equals in getting along well.

 

[ranskimmie]

I'm going to appologize right from the beginning, because this may end up being a long post. Basically, my problem is that for some reason, I can not be nice to my mom's aunt. I just can't do it! There are just so many things about her that aggrivate me, and for some reason I get angry/ticked off when she's around. I have absolutely no idea why!! I feel bad, because I tend to be very snippy when she's around and at times feel the need to talk back and mock her.

I guess it would be good for me to write down all of the things that I don't like about her. Maybe that would help you understand?

1. She talks. A LOT! I swear, it's like she doesn't shut up. Take for example: this weekend we drove to Leipzig (a 3 hour drive) and she basically talked the whole way.

2. She's a backseat driver. I absolutely CAN NOT stand that!!! Ughhhh. It's one of my biggest pet peeves. Everytime she sees a speed limit sign, she feels the need to tell me a whole bunch of times. Hello!! I can see the signs too, I don't need you to tell me.

3. She feeds my cousin, Nicole, BS information just so that she can get her to do what she wants. If she wants her to get something for her, she'll say "Go get this for me, or else [insert dead person's name here] will punish you." I mean, what in the world?!

4. She tends to negate everything I say and take everything word for word. If I say that someone's t-shirt is purple, she'll sit there and say "No no no, that's not purple. Clearly, that's lilac."

5. Nothing can be relaxed when she's around. If we have to go grocery shopping on a day when we have nothing to do, we have to be out of the house by 9am. I'm the type of person who likes to enjoy my breakfast and I like to read the newspaper in the mornings with a cup of Coffee. I don't need the stress of getting showered and running to the store at 9am. I always try and tell her that we can go later (after lunch, etc) but she'll make a big deal out of it and I usually just give in just so she'll shut up.

6. She tends to overexhaggerate (sp??) everything. If I sneeze - she says I'm going to get pneumonia or something crazy like that. Nothing can be the way it is, it always has to be blown out of proportion.

Maybe I'm the one who blows things out of proportion? IDK. There's just some reason why I don't like her. I can't really figure it out, and I really do feel bad about it. I'm the type of person who is usually nice to everybody and I hate it that I can't be nice to her.

Anybody have any tips?

Had an X-mother-in-law exactly like that. Notice I wrote "X". She was and still is saitan!! Has been married and divorced 6 times. All of her family has moved out of state. My best advice is just stay away, far away from psycho people like your aunt. (Hey maybe your aunt is my x-mother-in-law!

 

[Irissy]

Ya, I have family members like that and I tend to try to be polite and then stay as far as I can away from them. I also try not to let them know too much of what's going on in my life. The least they know, the better for me and the less stress I'll be getting from them. At times, I get sad that I have to do this to them since they are still "family" to me but with the stress in my daily life right now, I just can't cope with them sometimes.

Good luck and try to relax more...

 

[Irissy]

This may be a different answer than you want, but I have found that if you can successfully learn to emotionally/psychologically disengage with people like this your life will be significantly happier. What I mean is, when you are able to control the response you have to her (both emotional and physical) you will have won the battle. Then, you can do it with other people you meet in life, co-workers, neighbors, etc. It takes time and practice, you will have to work at it just as if you were learning a new language. But, with time, it will work.

Sound like a good plan. Any good books on this?

 

[layla]

Irishgal[/B]]This may be a different answer than you want, but I have found that if you can successfully learn to emotionally/psychologically disengage with people like this your life will be significantly happier. What I mean is, when you are able to control the response you have to her (both emotional and physical) you will have won the battle. Then, you can do it with other people you meet in life, co-workers, neighbors, etc. It takes time and practice, you will have to work at it just as if you were learning a new language. But, with time, it will work.

Beautiful and sage advice Irishgal. It is so true! We cannot change anyone, only how we choose to react or think about them.

 

[Deborahsue]

Jill, same here re: mother. Am fortunate she is in another city, but I still need to do a better job of mentally disengaging. Mothers are so powerful! Having had a truly toxic mother has made me so very conscious of the effect a mother can have on her children. I have made it my very highest priority to be a mother who is NOT like her in every way!

 

[Irishgal]

Sound like a good plan. Any good books on this?

Not that I know of right off, maybe I should write one. Essentially any book on Buddhism for beginners addresses this type of thinking...you don't have to be interested in being or studying Buddhism at all, but the process I describe has it's roots in Buddhism

 

[layla]

Jill, same here re: mother. Am fortunate she is in another city, but I still need to do a better job of mentally disengaging. Mothers are so powerful! Having had a truly toxic mother has made me so very conscious of the effect a mother can have on her children. I have made it my very highest priority to be a mother who is NOT like her in every way!

Deborahsue, Good for you!

That's exactly how to break the pattern in families, by choosing to live and behave differently. No, it's not easy, however we are responsible for the life we choose to live and how we treat others.

 

[lv-lover]

lamistella-I can totally sympathize! Relatives tend to be like that. When I'm around a family member I don't like, I try to ignore them. And when I can't fo that, I just suck it up and smile through clenched teeth,

 

[SuzyZ]

Detach!

 

[bluxcape]

it has happened to me so many times.. I know this may sound rude but I ignore them.. i do not have contact with them.. if they call, I don't answer... I just let it be.. don't want to be plastic.. its diff though if u have to socialize with them... when those times happen, i talk with those i like the whole time..

 

[Irissy]

Not that I know of right off, maybe I should write one. Essentially any book on Buddhism for beginners addresses this type of thinking...you don't have to be interested in being or studying Buddhism at all, but the process I describe has it's roots in Buddhism

It comes from Buddhism??!! No way!! I'm a Buddhist and now I'm even more proud to be one! I guess I'm just not hard core enough yet.

And yes, you should write a book! You seems to know alot.

 

[orihime]

This may be a different answer than you want, but I have found that if you can successfully learn to emotionally/psychologically disengage with people like this your life will be significantly happier. What I mean is, when you are able to control the response you have to her (both emotional and physical) you will have won the battle. Then, you can do it with other people you meet in life, co-workers, neighbors, etc. It takes time and practice, you will have to work at it just as if you were learning a new language. But, with time, it will work.

So true! I had a few friends (at a young age) who used to rub me the wrong way and say things that weren't the "social norm" but learning to just not take everything they say and do THAT seriously really saved me so much stress and anxiety! good luck to you .

 

[Sternchen]

This may be a different answer than you want, but I have found that if you can successfully learn to emotionally/psychologically disengage with people like this your life will be significantly happier. What I mean is, when you are able to control the response you have to her (both emotional and physical) you will have won the battle. Then, you can do it with other people you meet in life, co-workers, neighbors, etc. It takes time and practice, you will have to work at it just as if you were learning a new language. But, with time, it will work.

That's the thing that I tend to have a problem with - not taking everything to heart. But, I definitely will try


Thanks for the advice everybody, I appreciate it!

 

[Irishgal]

It comes from Buddhism??!! No way!! I'm a Buddhist and now I'm even more proud to be one! I guess I'm just not hard core enough yet.

And yes, you should write a book! You seems to know alot.

Sure, reframing someone, instead of seeing them as a monster seeing them as the small sad insecure person they are and having empathy for them rather than hate is the Buddhist way. Of course, since you have studied, and hopefully continue to study and practice you have used this in everyday life somewhere..