hilarious ebay disclaimer -- long

  1. I only posted the first few grafs. Click on the link to read the full disclaimer.


    And now I bring you the infamous (drum roll) and ever changing…

    …Not-so-fine-print essay (which now has even more yellow highlights for the most important bits of info for people who are not amused by having to read my essay):

    Warning! Danger, Will Robinson! Danger!

    Items DO NOT come from a "smoke free" petless, hermetically sealed home. While the loft I just bought does not allow smoking inside—I still smoke. In addition, everything I own still smells like it's been sitting in a smoky bar for ten years. I also have a very fuzzy black and white cat who roams freely (and who once threw up in my shoe). This means items WILL smell of smoke and there will probably be cat hair floating around. In addition, old paper items are sometimes musty (Frankly, I'M allergic and am constantly sneezing). If any of the above is a problem for you, PLEASE do not bid.

    In addition, if you think you may be overcome by a compulsion to mention unpleasant odors in feedback—or to ask for your money back—then it's a problem for you and you should refrain from bidding. And for those eBayers who have not heeded my warning to refrain from commenting on the smoky odor in feedback and warn other eBayers to read the disclaimer…sigh. Sigh. Sigh.

    In response to a recent e-mail from an eBayer who did not bid but felt the need to lambaste me for my warning section and chide me for making her lapse into a coma, I should change the above statement to "Please do not bid, and not bidding without comments is preferable."

    Other reasons to refrain from bidding:

    1. You don't like my disclaimer and you think I must be a total wretch—I'm not, but if you don't find this disclaimer funny, albeit true, it is doubtful that I will be able to convince you I'm a good person.

    2. You know you won't be satisfied with your item unless I refund all your money and let you keep the item for free—this I have done on a number of occasions and will always refund your money if you're not happy but I'd prefer not to give away the store, so to speak, too often. You can figure out if you're the "can't be satisfied" type by counting the complaints you've lodged (whether mentally, verbally, or in writing) in the recent past. You can also ask yourself, say, if you've ever told somebody to quit breathing so loudly, sent back your lunch because the cilantro was askew, or anything out of place in your house makes you break out in hives.

    In response to numerous inquiries: No, I am NOT kidding about the above, though you are just as likely to get some of my hair taped to the package as the cat's hair. You will recognize it because it is long, curly, and thick. Have I mentioned that my essay "Jewish Hair" is going to be published in a literary journal? (Update: The world of lit journals is so slow, I'll be experiencing female pattern balding before I finally see my words on the page. In fact, one piece that was accepted five years ago—yes, five years ago, just came out in print a couple of months ago.)
  2. This is the first thing I've read this morning and I'm happy I did. Thanks for making my day start with a laugh. I'd like to know the "author's" name, I'd read anything she writes. C'mon she make even an e-bay disclaimer fun to read. Too funny!
  3. She tells it like it is?!
  4. That is so funny, thanks for posting!:roflmfao:
  5. Oh, how funny!!!!!!
  6. Fabulous! She's very funny!Thanks for sharing.
  7. ha ha ha...oh my. haven't seen anything quite like this.
  8. HAHA

    I hate when people write me and ask if my home is pet free.
    Def. NOT, but do handbags smell like dog and cats if you have them?

    This is too funny
  9. That's funny. What was she selling i wonder?
  10. Lol
  11. Ok, I think I've just met my new best friend.
  12. That is wonderful!
  13. I loved the cat updates:
    Cat update: Eddie-Small-Devil Kitty caught wind of my threat to shave him and has taken to glaring at me with a malevolent eye. Not only that, he's taken to crouching by my head when I'm sleeping and yowling in my ear.
    Cat update 2: Worse than the evil eye: one night last month, I awoke to find Eddie staring at me. In his mouth, a dangling live mouse—which he then dropped in the bed with me as a little token of his love.
    Cat update 3: I've gotten a ton of e-mail asking what happened after Eddie deposited the mouse next to me, so here's the rest of the story. When I saw the furry little rodent inches from my face, I sighed, sat up, and sighed some more (Everyone in my family sighs). While trying to figure out what to do, dear Edward picked up the mouse, jumped off the bed, and ran out of the room. When I got to the living room, he was batting it around, looking slightly bored. The mouse took refuge in my backpack, which fired Eddie up again. Eddie nosed around but the mouse was hiding under the pile 'o stuff I carry around with me. I waited for the mouse to come out, picked it up with a towel, and took it outside. Poor little guy wasn't in the best shape and may have gone to the happy hunting grounds in the sky where the mice are cat-sized and the cats are mouse-sized. (Update on the mouse: I think it lived. I saw a mouse in the alley with slightly lame back legs scampering around the dumpster)
    Cat update 4: I went to Albuquerque to buy a loft in the old 1938 Albuquerque High School building and had to leave poor little Ed alone in the apartment for the first time in the ten years of his life. He is now completely traumatized and follows me everywhere. My next worry is him yowling all the way to Alb. in the car. My worry after that is him falling off the 2nd floor of my new loft (no wall, just a railing).
    Cat update 5: Eddie is now worried that once we move, he will starve because we will be "house poor." He is urging me to come up with some kind of sales pitch for an eBay listing like: "Feed the Starving Kitty. For your bid of $1.99, Eddie will send you a postcard from the road (from MN to NM) in which he detail his complaints about car travel." I have told him I don't think people would believe the postcard was actually from him. He found this most disturbing. He thinks if I posted a picture of him writing a postcard, people would buy in droves.
    Cat update #6: Eddie has been busily writing postcards. I haven't had the heart to tell him that nobody has requested one.
    Cat update #7: Eddie did NOT enjoy the car trip to NM, even though he was traveling in style in a large kitty home that took up ¾ of the back seat. He does, however, love his new home and has to taken to walking along the steel support beams 10 feet above the ground when he's pissed at me (he knows I'm afraid he's going to fall; everybody assures me he is a CAT and will be fine).
  14. Thanks for posting this. She's toooooooooo cool.:roflmfao:
  15. she's hysterical! Thanks for posting!