Help me ladies please!!! About lending money to family...

  1. Hi I'm farely new to the board and rarely make my own posts,I mostly just comment on members new purchases I love coming here you all seem like such a wise, knowledgable bunch from all walks of life and sometimes I come on here because the posts crack me up to where I'm in tears, ok enough of me kissing butt :lol: :love:but heres my problem, my sister who lives in California is ALWAYS asking for money. I'm not exaggerating ALWAYS. She gets paid once a month from her state job, and it's the SAME story every payday. We speak almost daily that's how I know this. (I don't have enough for food,(her) I sent her $200 twice just for food, I even sent her $500 when I got income tax, and $50 here and there for miscellanous, I mean it's always to the point where she doesn't have enough for gas, I don't know if she has the worst luck which it seems or she just can't budget or what but I am getting so frustrated and fed up on hearing the sob stories. My husband is starting to think she's making it up but I'm like nah my sister ALWAYS struggled no matter what position she is in.

    Someone told me I have to just stop bailing her out. Mind you she has borrowed from other sources, whether it's the boyfriend of the month or coworkers or paydays lenders (she's exhausted those)so yesterday, she calls low and behold on the day I get paid and says she needs $150 to start new car insurance because hers is lapsed and she didn't know, I kind of blocked out the explanation because I got a sick feeling as soon as she asked for the money.

    Anyway she says she will pay me back because her job is giving out some kind of fiscal year bonus of $500. I'm thinking yeah when you get the $500 (if there is one) you will still be broke or something else will come up and you wont be able to pay me back. Mind you I just brought a house, and I'm trying to figure if I"M going to be OK by the 1st (meaning mortgage).She knows this and she always has the same line, (I feel bad asking you because I"m the older one and you just starting out etc..)She's 10 years older. So anyway I didn't call her back and I feel like crap, guilty sick and the whole nine, She just called and said I'm calling to give you the house number that's weird because all she always uses is her cell phone, I never even had her house numbers, I asked if she was ok cause she was talking in her usual down mode, she says very sarcastic "OH i'll be fine, I'm on the freeway talk to you later", I guess she got the car insurance fixed huh or is she driving with no insurance anyway sounded really weird, my moms on her way I"ll be able to talk to her about it, but she was like if you can't do it, you can't do it period, you have different circumstances now, and she knows this don't feel bad, but I really feel like crap right now:crybaby: I was so close to western union her the money and pray that this one time she would be able to pay me back by the first but I just can't put myself in the hole again, and when I'm there, there is NEVER anyone to bail me out. Anyone else go through this? Please someone say something to make me feel better, I know family is family but there is got to be a line, maybe if I don't do it this time, it will be the last time she asks me which would be a big relief but I dont' want to lose my sister over some money even though this happens all time, OK sorry so long, thanks for listening.
  2. Wow, that is a hard situation, I believe. This happens to my mom, my aunt (her sister) is a widow and has 2 kids. When her husband died, he left her with lots of money, ok, not millions, but enough to survive for 5 yeras with no jobs. And guess what she does she starts to spend it all. By a year in his death anniversary she has no money, nada, zero money. Now every month, I am not lying to you, every single month she would call and askfor money. My mom would always believe her stories, but she gave the same excuse every month, so eventually my mom got tired of it. My parents bought their first house, and you know how it is with mortage, now all of a sudden you need to start spending more money and evrything. But my aunt never understood that. Our whole family always keep saying the same that my mom has a lot money because she works all the time, but you know, when you buy a house it is totally different,. Bottom line is I think you should not put her money, let her see she is old enough to take care of herself, and her responsibilities. Because you are not always going to be with her always. Also, she has a job, maybe you can help her budget her paycheck, so she doesnt need to be asking for money. Sorry for the long response.
  3. You've got to stop lending her money. You've learned to survive on your own-she needs to learn, too. You can't keep bailing her out. It's not teaching her anything about life. If she was poor and on the streets I would help her out, but she needs to struggle a little bit...learn that living by herself means that she has to make a budget, spend her money wisely. You can't keep doing this.
  4. You're a wonderful sis to be helping her out like this, but I agree that you're just enabling her when you give in to her so often. I think you should take her to a financial planner or some other professional trained in helping people budget. There are even non-profit, inexpensive places like debt counselors' agencies (you don't necessarily need to be in debt to see them, I don't think). They've dealt with millions of people like your sis, so I believe they can help her.
  5. Just say no! You are doing the right thing by taking care of your mental health by not giving in to a guilt ridden co-dependent relationship with your sister.
  6. It's very generous of you to give her as much as you have, but she has to learn how to budget her money/stand on her own two feet. You're both adults & part of being an adult is learning how to budget your money & how not to mooch off of other people. If she isn't earning enough money-suggest that she look for a new job, get a second job or finding a cheaper place to live.

    I would tell her firmly that the Bank of BagFreak is closed, but offer to come over one day and help her work out a budget if you're good at that stuff.
  7. You are a great sis to keep on giving her $, but, right now, you have to worry about getting your bills paid. Paying the morgage isn't easy, so, if you don't think you can spare it, then don't. She needs to learn to be independent and maybe work a little harder to get what she needs. I know it's hard to kinda turn a blind eye, but, you really don't wanna mess your credit up right now.

    I'm the oldest in my family, and I love my sister to death, but, if she kept calling up asking for cash, theres only so much I'd be able to give before I had to stop. She'll find a way to survive :smile: GL, if she's a real sister, she'll understand where you are coming from :smile:
  8. I know it's hard. She's your sister and you love her. But she is taking advantage of you! She knows you will bail her out no matter what she gets herself into.

    There comes a point when everyone has to take responsibility for themselves. She can't rely on you for the rest of her life, can she? What happens if you died? What would she do? She sounds fairly irresponsible, or immature.

    And I know how you feel, to an extent. My little brother kept bouncing checks, losing things, having things stolen...jeez the luck of this kid. But it wasn't just was because of his decisions. He put himself in situations that helped bad things to happen. It's frustrating. I did send him money a few times but pretty much let him make his own way. If he doesn't learn now he never will.

    I know it's hard...and it's depressing. And she will probably get angry with you. But in the long run it is best to let her make her own decisions and live with the consequences. Good luck!
  9. I support my entire family right now. They're all back home and my paretns are in retirment age and the only means of work they have been doing for the past 10 years is gone. I'm making enough to support myself and them but when they asked the last time, I told them I'd be able to give it to them in August or so or else I would be in a hole. They told me to take my time and stuff. If they said otherwise, I have no idea what I would do!

    Is there a reason why she's always in the hole? Is the area she's living in a high rent/expense area? Is she looking for a job that pays more or is she just stuck where she is?
  10. Casto Creations, yes it's the exact same with her as with your brother, had money stolen out her purse at work, because SHE left it in the lunch area or whatever, and her exhusband wrote a whole bunch of bad checks in her name and now they are garnishing her, but she has NOT divorced him yet, even though she hasn't seen him in 4 years , it's always something and I'm sick of it, well I feel alot better now. Thanks everyone.

    Kathyrose, wow, I commend you but I couldn't do it. That would just wear me out. My mom is very self sufficient and she's on a fixed income, and she ALWAYS has money and savings. She says she is going to talk to my sister about budgeting and finding a cheaper place to live. But I know exactly what she's going to say. "My job has good benefits and I don't want to live in the ghetto". And to remind everyone SHE chose to live in California by herself, all of our family is on the east coast. I guess she wanted to prove that she could make it out there on her own, but hasn't proven successful. And the time she moved out there she was pissed off with the family for whatever reason. I can't even remember after all these years. And I haven't seen my nephews since they were babies and she'll NEVER have the money for a trip out here. Uuuh ok I"m done venting thanks everyone I appreciate it.
  11. If you continue to bail her out, it will be a never ending cycle. There's this old saying, teach the fishermen to fish instead of handing them the bread. The best way to help her is to go over her finances with her and help sort them out. This is a hard situation, specially when family is involved. But I think you will be doing her a HUGE favor by teaching her to live within her means and stop depending on others.:flowers:
  12. I have been there, done that! You have to stop now. No matter how bad you feel or how guilty she makes you feel, do not loan her any more money. I know it sounds harsh, but it is something that has to be done immediately or it will never cease.

    I was the "bank" for my family for too long. I gave money to my sister, my brother, and even my mom. It almost destroyed the relationship I had with my mother. One day I had to finally put my foot down and tell them all NO. My sister will still ask me to do things like charge something for her on my credit card, etc. and I just tell her if she really wants whatever is, she will have to find a way to get it herself.

    Your sister's irresponsibility is not your responsibility!!!
  13. ^^^ AMEN!!! If you keep bailing her out, she will never be accountable for her actions. She will never learn to fend for herself, even if she is 10 years older than you. She's acting like she's financially responsible like an 8 year old. Step back and let her learn, as tough as it is to do. Hang in there, I think you're a wonderful sister, but you can't drag yourself into someone else's financial disaster perpetually.
  14. Say no to her.

    You are not helping her, you are destroying the possibility that she will be independent and her own person. Helping her will not stop her from coming to you every time. She has no reason to be responsible, she knows you will bail her out.
  15. That's a really tough situation you are in. And I know you don't want to ruin your relationship with your sis, but if this keeps happening, I bet you'll REALLY start to resent her anyway. Here's what you could do:

    First ask your DH if it's okay to do so, then say you can't lend her the money by saying your DH isn't comfortable with it anymore (esp. because of the mortage and all) and it's causing a strain in your relationship with him. Just blame the hubby ;).