Hatred of the Out Laws - do you have one?!?

[ms-whitney]

whoa scary. I think I would be a little worried if I came across you in a dark alley and I happened to be your MIL. yikes

 

[merika]

Yeah, whatever. It is so easy to criticize when they haven't walked in those shoes.

I have walked in your shoes, most certainly. I have a (or more correctly) used to have a MIL who encouraged her son to split up with me, and said that she could bring up my child while my (then) husband could stay at her house and leave me with no place to go.

If I rant about my mother-in-law it'd probably take a couple pages. Suffice to say that her plans for my son went waaaay beyond feeding him food off the floor.

I think my son should keep in touch with his relatives, though. Whatever said and done, they are his relatives. And in a bad situation, if ever I am ailing or unable to take care of him, they (including my MIL) will. I may not approve of their attitudes or their treatment of me, but they are my son's blood and they will keep him safe and care for him.

My child should be able to draw his own conclusions. Listening to me rant and rave about his grandmother may work in the short term, but then maybe, just maybe he'll reach maturity and think "My mom was so b??y all the time. No wonder my grandmother hated her!" What came first, the chicken or the egg?

I don't ever want to say "I'm getting my own back now, serves the b right!" It indicates a certain lack of something...politeness?

AND if you don't want people's honest opinions and lash back at everyone who tells you that there might be something wrong with your attitude also, don't start a thread telling people about it.

If I've judged you correctly, you'll now quote my post with some condescending remark about me next.

 

[amanda]

Yes, I do understand your point but right now, it is very hard to deal with this woman at this moment. Unfortunately she has done so much damage that it needs alot of work to repair. Thank you for your advice.

no one is being rude to you, you're just upset that we don't all agree. polite disagreement is different than rudeness.

i'm a grown woman of almost 21 now, and my mom let me draw my own conclusions with her mother-in-law, my paternal grandmother. she was very critical of my mother (as she is of everyone, i've come to see), made nasty, passive-aggressive comments, and was extremely demanding as far as taking up my mother's time, staying at our house uninvited, etc. i didn't notice this, really, when i was a child, and my mother never kept us from her or spoke a bad word about her - i really don't know the extent of how badly she treated my mother. as i got into my teenage years, i began to notice this going on, and i formed my own opinion of her. letting your children know their grandparents doesn't mean they'll join forces with her against you. it means that they'll learn a very valuable lesson in dealing with difficult people and that not everyone has the best of intentions.

i still love my grandmother dearly, because i know she loves us, but i have no respect for how she's conducted herself toward my mother. simple as that.

 

[The KK]

No one is being rude to you, in all of these posts members are giving their honest opinion on your rant. I have been a member for about a year,and most of these ladies on this board are very kind,and nice. Its clear that you are upset, please resepect others members opinions,just because you dont agree it doesnt give you the freedom to give sarcastic,rude responses to people who nay you. Your family clearly needs therapy,and this is a forum that gives retail handbag therapy,not pscyotherapy!.

Thanks HON!

 

[The KK]

no one is being rude to you, you're just upset that we don't all agree. polite disagreement is different than rudeness.

i'm a grown woman of almost 21 now, and my mom let me draw my own conclusions with her mother-in-law, my paternal grandmother. she was very critical of my mother (as she is of everyone, i've come to see), made nasty, passive-aggressive comments, and was extremely demanding as far as taking up my mother's time, staying at our house uninvited, etc. i didn't notice this, really, when i was a child, and my mother never kept us from her or spoke a bad word about her - i really don't know the extent of how badly she treated my mother. as i got into my teenage years, i began to notice this going on, and i formed my own opinion of her. letting your children know their grandparents doesn't mean they'll join forces with her against you. it means that they'll learn a very valuable lesson in dealing with difficult people and that not everyone has the best of intentions.



i still love my grandmother dearly, because i know she loves us, but i have no respect for how she's conducted herself toward my mother. simple as that.

Believe it or not I don't bad mouth her to my children, they are too young and too innocent to understand. My kids do see her about 6-8 times a year on special occasions only but NO, I don't make it a point to visit her other than that. When I said that I was using my children as revenge with her, I reallly meant that the I will not allow my children have any unsupervised visit with her alone. I feel that I must watch them like a hawk. The only reason why I do see her is because I do love my husband but other than that I really don't care one bit for her. I am just letting out I guess alot of steam right now and I know my comments are extremely harsh and I do have alot of anger and bitterness towards her. I have endured 20 years of emotional abuse from her. In front of her, I do show respect but in reality I don't have any respect for her at all. I believe respect has to be given inorder to be earned. I guess I have been a coward and not dealt with the situation earlier and now has snow balled too far. What I rant about and what I am in front of her is actually different.

 

[boxermom]

no one is being rude to you, you're just upset that we don't all agree. polite disagreement is different than rudeness.

i'm a grown woman of almost 21 now, and my mom let me draw my own conclusions with her mother-in-law, my paternal grandmother. she was very critical of my mother (as she is of everyone, i've come to see), made nasty, passive-aggressive comments, and was extremely demanding as far as taking up my mother's time, staying at our house uninvited, etc. i didn't notice this, really, when i was a child, and my mother never kept us from her or spoke a bad word about her - i really don't know the extent of how badly she treated my mother. as i got into my teenage years, i began to notice this going on, and i formed my own opinion of her. letting your children know their grandparents doesn't mean they'll join forces with her against you. it means that they'll learn a very valuable lesson in dealing with difficult people and that not everyone has the best of intentions.

i still love my grandmother dearly, because i know she loves us, but i have no respect for how she's conducted herself toward my mother. simple as that.

Wow, Amanda! Your maturity and the grace that your mom behaved with is an inspiration. I applaud your mother for trusting you to find your balance within your family. Too bad more families can't do that--children seem to suffer the most, when the adults( ) take out their issues on others.

KK-please read the responses as attempts to help. Most of us have had similar experiences with family/in-laws (including me) so don't assume we haven't been in your shoes. Sincerely, best wishes to you in finding a way to deal with your MIL that doesn't destroy the grandparent-grandchild bond, if possible.

 

[lucykitty]

KK-your last e-mail clarifies a lot of things. It does sound by your one response to someone that you don't have a nice outlook towards people who are "lower class"-thats not good! It doesn't matter what your class is, its just how you treat others. You might want to take a look at that. In your case, I really wouldn't classify limiting your visits with someone who is abusive as revenge. Visiting when your husband feels a need and for holidays is reasonable. I don't know, I just don't get the whole issue with mothers. I think disrespecting your daughter in law is also disrespecting your son as well. I know I want my son to be happy and I accept that someday he will marry and have another woman in his life. If I treated his wife like garbage I wouldn't have the highest expectation for her to come skipping over my house to drop off her baby! I guess I'm less into obligation by blood and more into grandchildren being a privelege gained through love and respect for the parents, not so much a right.

I'll always keep my head up high, be respectful and won't bad mouth to my children as everyone has said, but I really want to do my best to break some bad cycles and raise my son in a positive,warm environment. Also, your relationship with your husband is the most important-these mean MIL's are getting too much attention.

OK, I hope I haven't offended here and I think I am going to go back to reading about handbags!!!

 

[The KK]

KK-your last e-mail clarifies a lot of things. It does sound by your one response to someone that you don't have a nice outlook towards people who are "lower class"-thats not good! It doesn't matter what your class is, its just how you treat others. You might want to take a look at that. In your case, I really wouldn't classify limiting your visits with someone who is abusive as revenge. Visiting when your husband feels a need and for holidays is reasonable. I don't know, I just don't get the whole issue with mothers. I think disrespecting your daughter in law is also disrespecting your son as well. I know I want my son to be happy and I accept that someday he will marry and have another woman in his life. If I treated his wife like garbage I wouldn't have the highest expectation for her to come skipping over my house to drop off her baby! I guess I'm less into obligation by blood and more into grandchildren being a privelege gained through love and respect for the parents, not so much a right.

I'll always keep my head up high, be respectful and won't bad mouth to my children as everyone has said, but I really want to do my best to break some bad cycles and raise my son in a positive,warm environment. Also, your relationship with your husband is the most important-these mean MIL's are getting too much attention.

OK, I hope I haven't offended here and I think I am going to go back to reading about handbags!!!

You are so right about disrespecting a daugther in law is disprecting the son as well. Often people don't see it that way but rather that it she is the mother of your husband and she should be respected. I see respect as something that is given in order to be earned. Whenever there is special occasions, it kills me but we do visit or go to dinner together but I will NOT make an effort to just go for a visit for no other reason. This is what I really meant when I wrote it was my way of getting revenge. I honestly don't trust her very much as I have heard her talking badly to my children about me.

My children are the most important thing to me. From this whole negative relationship that I have with her, I have also learnt a great deal that I must not treat any DILs or SIL in a nasty manner but instead just be accepting and to be their friends. My children are still very young, but rather than punish them for any negative behaviours, I reason with them.

Thanks for the great advice!

 

[Bagluvluv]

I hear what you are saying...I have a crazy SIL and a passive-agreesive MIL...and it is very fustrating and crazy.....its hard to really explain all the little things that effect not only me but my kid and family....

But...when I truely looked at cutting ties or lashing back...or all these other options....it really turns out that its only giving them what they want...then theres the "its still family" thing....that will never change no matter what...

I do think that just holding back is not the right thing all the time.....there is a time to speak up and say what has hurt you...I did that....and although they still havent changed...they learned to shut up a little and I learned to totally ignore them....

To show my kid that...... if a problem comes up and there is no "right" solution...if I give an example of ignoring it or just discarding it by doing all those things I wanted to...was showing defeat...so I found a way...for us.

Hope everything turns out ok for you too.....:shame: *hugs**

 

[amanda]

Wow, Amanda! Your maturity and the grace that your mom behaved with is an inspiration. I applaud your mother for trusting you to find your balance within your family. Too bad more families can't do that--children seem to suffer the most, when the adults( ) take out their issues on others.

KK-please read the responses as attempts to help. Most of us have had similar experiences with family/in-laws (including me) so don't assume we haven't been in your shoes. Sincerely, best wishes to you in finding a way to deal with your MIL that doesn't destroy the grandparent-grandchild bond, if possible.

i have a tremendous amount of respect and love for my mother as well, she really is a great lady! i couldn't have asked for a better mom. i don't know if i could have been so dignified in such a situation.

 

[The KK]

For a change I am not going to vent about the dear old mother out law. I want to share my exciting news with you all.

Well the holiday is nearing. Last night I received the best Christmas presents ever, presents I bought myself. A friend of mines sold me her entire LV Cerise collection. The bucket, speedy, pochette and all the accessories pieces and of course all authentic. WOW, WOW, WOW!!!!!!! My husband said that he already picked up something for me and should I not like what he bought me, then he will pay for my Cerise collection. Let see what he got that can possible top this off.

I mostly collect limited edition LVs such as the Cherry Blossom, Panda, Ceries but also own quite a few monogram pieces. I am also looking for a plum colour Shuhali wallet. Now that I have a little princess, I hope she will share the love of LV as much as I do. She will be inheriting lots of goodies.

Have to go and admire my new collection!

 

[The KK]

I hear what you are saying...I have a crazy SIL and a passive-agreesive MIL...and it is very fustrating and crazy.....its hard to really explain all the little things that effect not only me but my kid and family....

But...when I truely looked at cutting ties or lashing back...or all these other options....it really turns out that its only giving them what they want...then theres the "its still family" thing....that will never change no matter what...

I do think that just holding back is not the right thing all the time.....there is a time to speak up and say what has hurt you...I did that....and although they still havent changed...they learned to shut up a little and I learned to totally ignore them....

To show my kid that...... if a problem comes up and there is no "right" solution...if I give an example of ignoring it or just discarding it by doing all those things I wanted to...was showing defeat...so I found a way...for us.

Hope everything turns out ok for you too.....:shame: *hugs**

Thanks for your advice. Since I have been a coward all these years and just taking in nothing but insults and emotional abuse and not speaking up, I do not ever want any of my children experience what I have gone through. I am now showing my children to stand up for themselves and allow discuss any issue they want to with us and not be critical or judgemental.

Happy Holiday!

 

[chag]

Hmmmm.. there's gotta be another k in there somewhere...

What's with the Thanks HON! thing happening.. If you put it out there people respond. If you don't like what they say don't put it out there. Period.