Go Fug Yourself
- Thread starter caitlin1214
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American Idol winner and Faith Hill arch-rival Carrie Underwood made the classic rookie mistake of adopting one look during the Red Carpet Arrivals segment of her evening...
[i.e: Demure! Age-appropriate! Debutante-y! Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth!]
...and an entirely DIFFERENT look during the show itself:
Wow. The kid's got great legs, but we can't imagine she went into this event purposely planning to invoke comparisons to The Worst Award Show Outfit Ever:
Don't they teach children history anymore? They must not, as we seem to be repeating it.
[i.e: Demure! Age-appropriate! Debutante-y! Butter wouldn't melt in her mouth!]
...and an entirely DIFFERENT look during the show itself:
Wow. The kid's got great legs, but we can't imagine she went into this event purposely planning to invoke comparisons to The Worst Award Show Outfit Ever:
Don't they teach children history anymore? They must not, as we seem to be repeating it.
At what point did Gwen Stefani decide to become the cheap Halloween-costume version of herself?
Between the outfit that looks stolen straight from Serena Williams' tennis bag of misguided on-court couture to the aggressive Gucci-logo knockoff on the belt to the $4.99 wig from Dr. Boo's Costume Emporium and Terror Barn to the tinted Elvis shades that aren't actually blocking any light (and therefore are only there because she actually decided they look good), I am overall disappointed in Gwen's post-pregnancy return to the red carpet, toned gams notwithstanding.
Her on-stage getup wasn't much better.
Yes, she has traded in the Serena suit, but she's replaced it with those omnipresent offensively odd footless tights, some sort of space-Cleopatra jumper, and a gaggle of Stefani clones in ridiculous children's pajamas and wrestling boots.
All I can surmise from any of this is: Lucy Liu finally woke up and realized she accidentally starred in two Charlie's Angels films, and has hurriedly given her part to a big-screen-hungry Stefani. Her first film in as part of the trio, Charlie's Angels 3: Engage The Thrusters, sends our three jumpsuit-crazy wingnuts into the outer realms of the galaxy to retrieve a devastating universe-exploding weapon, while also engaging in intergalactic shenanigans with karaoke, mime, a cooking class, a stealth jet dogfight, and an actual dogfight, all wrapped up in the tawdry bow of another plot so poorly rendered it appears to have been translated into English from its native Martian.
So I guess congratulations are in order... to Lucy Liu. As for Gwen, well, listen up, lady: This is what you get for dragging The Sound of Music's poor, unsuspecting "The Lonely Goatherd" into your maddening repertoire. You have only yourself to blame.
Between the outfit that looks stolen straight from Serena Williams' tennis bag of misguided on-court couture to the aggressive Gucci-logo knockoff on the belt to the $4.99 wig from Dr. Boo's Costume Emporium and Terror Barn to the tinted Elvis shades that aren't actually blocking any light (and therefore are only there because she actually decided they look good), I am overall disappointed in Gwen's post-pregnancy return to the red carpet, toned gams notwithstanding.
Her on-stage getup wasn't much better.
Yes, she has traded in the Serena suit, but she's replaced it with those omnipresent offensively odd footless tights, some sort of space-Cleopatra jumper, and a gaggle of Stefani clones in ridiculous children's pajamas and wrestling boots.
All I can surmise from any of this is: Lucy Liu finally woke up and realized she accidentally starred in two Charlie's Angels films, and has hurriedly given her part to a big-screen-hungry Stefani. Her first film in as part of the trio, Charlie's Angels 3: Engage The Thrusters, sends our three jumpsuit-crazy wingnuts into the outer realms of the galaxy to retrieve a devastating universe-exploding weapon, while also engaging in intergalactic shenanigans with karaoke, mime, a cooking class, a stealth jet dogfight, and an actual dogfight, all wrapped up in the tawdry bow of another plot so poorly rendered it appears to have been translated into English from its native Martian.
So I guess congratulations are in order... to Lucy Liu. As for Gwen, well, listen up, lady: This is what you get for dragging The Sound of Music's poor, unsuspecting "The Lonely Goatherd" into your maddening repertoire. You have only yourself to blame.
Let's face it: if there would be one item that we would lash out against, unilaterally, it would obviously be shiny pleather leggings:
And yet, loathe as I am to admit it, Katie "Jordan" Price is kind of pulling them off. I have no idea how she got them ON -- baby powder? Vaseline? Prayer? -- but she's kind of working them.
Of course, it's entirely possible that I am feeling particularly charitable toward her because I just watched the video she and Peter Andre made for their cover of "A Whole New World." If you have not yet seen this, do yourself a favor and indulge. As Celine Dion sang so memorably in "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" -- a music video which looks like a three-minute advert for minimalism compared to Jordan and Peter's effort, by the way -- "there were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light. There were things I'd never do again, but then they'd always seemed right. There were nights of endless pleasure. It was more than any laws allow." Truly, the six minutes of black and white deliciousness that is their music video WILL provide you with endless pleasure. More than any laws allow. Enough, in fact, to make you accept black pleather leggings topped with a superfluous belt (because last time I checked, leggings don't have belt loops). It is that powerful. Consider that my gift to you.
(I dont know if the link works, so here's the video . . . YouTube - Peter Andre and Katie Price Jordan - A Whole New World VIDEO She has a better voice than Paris Hilton!)
And yet, loathe as I am to admit it, Katie "Jordan" Price is kind of pulling them off. I have no idea how she got them ON -- baby powder? Vaseline? Prayer? -- but she's kind of working them.
Of course, it's entirely possible that I am feeling particularly charitable toward her because I just watched the video she and Peter Andre made for their cover of "A Whole New World." If you have not yet seen this, do yourself a favor and indulge. As Celine Dion sang so memorably in "It's All Coming Back to Me Now" -- a music video which looks like a three-minute advert for minimalism compared to Jordan and Peter's effort, by the way -- "there were moments of gold, and there were flashes of light. There were things I'd never do again, but then they'd always seemed right. There were nights of endless pleasure. It was more than any laws allow." Truly, the six minutes of black and white deliciousness that is their music video WILL provide you with endless pleasure. More than any laws allow. Enough, in fact, to make you accept black pleather leggings topped with a superfluous belt (because last time I checked, leggings don't have belt loops). It is that powerful. Consider that my gift to you.
(I dont know if the link works, so here's the video . . . YouTube - Peter Andre and Katie Price Jordan - A Whole New World VIDEO She has a better voice than Paris Hilton!)
Oompa-loompa doompety-doo
I've got another fugging for you.
Oompa-loompa-dumbety-dee
Tanorexic fame-whores are frightening to me.
What do you do when your affairs are a mess,
And the press has been siding with your cuckolded ex?
Spray yourself gold and fluff up your cleav,
'Cause that's all the tricks you've got up your sleeve.
But hair and skin should never maaaaaaatch....
Oompa-loompa talentless hack
Before you buy those orphans, at least dye yourself back.
But even Foreign Baby Love can't redeem you --
Sorry, but that's what overpublicized marriage, a horrible show, calculated stupidity, genuine stupidity, a horrible movie performance, a year of fake public appearances before a bitter divorce rife with rumors of your infidelities, a brilliant PR campaign by your husband, that hideous "Angels" cover, and having no friends in the world besides your hairdresser (although, look at yourself -- is he REALLY your friend?) because even your father is more interested in Ashlee now will DOOMPETY-DO.
Okay, who let Lil' Kim design a prom dress?
This is, apparently, an actual dress, made by a Texas company that has advertised it successfully in teen magazines like YM and Seventeen. And the model is not, apparently, wearing it backwards.
Now, I would maybe expect to see something like this on The O.C., just because if any show is likely to have a complete break with fashion reality, that is the one. But ... really? This guy has actually sold some of these. If I had come down the stairs in that thing, my father would have locked me inside the house, burned all my clothes, and replaced them with billowing muumuus -- if he was able to retain hold of his consciousness.
What is wrong with people? It's a school dance. Do you really want your geometry teacher to know the exact diameter of your breasts? Are you really that interested in rendering your English teacher speechless, or perhaps reducing him/her to speaking in tongues? Are you this hell-bent on becoming a stripper?
Sweet God. To quote my esteemed colleague Jessica, "I need to lie down."
This is, apparently, an actual dress, made by a Texas company that has advertised it successfully in teen magazines like YM and Seventeen. And the model is not, apparently, wearing it backwards.
Now, I would maybe expect to see something like this on The O.C., just because if any show is likely to have a complete break with fashion reality, that is the one. But ... really? This guy has actually sold some of these. If I had come down the stairs in that thing, my father would have locked me inside the house, burned all my clothes, and replaced them with billowing muumuus -- if he was able to retain hold of his consciousness.
What is wrong with people? It's a school dance. Do you really want your geometry teacher to know the exact diameter of your breasts? Are you really that interested in rendering your English teacher speechless, or perhaps reducing him/her to speaking in tongues? Are you this hell-bent on becoming a stripper?
Sweet God. To quote my esteemed colleague Jessica, "I need to lie down."
I was watching a commercial for The Holiday last night -- you know, the movie where Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet switch houses, and romantic shenanigans ensue? -- and it occurred to me that I don't particularly buy Jude Law as a romantic lead anymore. I don't know if this is because I know too much about his real-life predilection for nannies and Sienna Miller, or if it's because he's morphed from being this guy:
To being this guy:
I don't really want that guy showing up at my vacation house and romancing me. I'm a little scared that that guy is going to show up at my vacation house and rob me. And while the suit itself is lovely, this shirt/tie combination makes me want to show up at his vacation house and burn it down:
Something about him just gives me the wiggins, and the wee curly mullet doesn't help, either. In the ad, there's a scene where he and Cameron Diaz are going somewhere in a car together, and they're all looking at each other coyly, and I am not thinking, "Aw, look! Those two are totally going to fall in transatlantic love!" I am thinking, "He is totally going to murder her and dump her body in some abandoned English field." Which I am pretty sure is not exactly what they were going for.
On the other hand, maybe the movie is secretly about serial killers. What do I know? I just hope Kate Winslet makes it out alive. I love her.
To being this guy:
I don't really want that guy showing up at my vacation house and romancing me. I'm a little scared that that guy is going to show up at my vacation house and rob me. And while the suit itself is lovely, this shirt/tie combination makes me want to show up at his vacation house and burn it down:
Something about him just gives me the wiggins, and the wee curly mullet doesn't help, either. In the ad, there's a scene where he and Cameron Diaz are going somewhere in a car together, and they're all looking at each other coyly, and I am not thinking, "Aw, look! Those two are totally going to fall in transatlantic love!" I am thinking, "He is totally going to murder her and dump her body in some abandoned English field." Which I am pretty sure is not exactly what they were going for.
On the other hand, maybe the movie is secretly about serial killers. What do I know? I just hope Kate Winslet makes it out alive. I love her.
POSH: Er, Karl... Karl, don't tell anyone, but... I'm having second thoughts.
KARL LAGERFELD: Thoughts are for the DULL, darling. BE AMAZING.
POSH: Fine, babes, but my problem is just that I don't think I should have worn this after all. I think I look a bit stupid, actually.
KARL: RIDICULOUS! You are a DIVINE dish served cold. I would eat you with caviar if I could and then polish my glove with the CRUMBS of your GLAMOUR.
POSH: See, David said this looks like a bad rug that the royal family rolled up and stuck in a closet in Windsor Castle. But my sister disagreed -- she thought this belonged in Camilla Parker-Bowles' nightie drawer.
KARL: David is a PRECOCIOUS flesh nugget INDEED. Dip him in mustard. HE IS A DELIGHT. But kill your sister.
POSH: Look, I just sort of feel like a 19th century prostitute, Karl. And I'm not sure it's the look I should be going for now.
KARL: It's like I told that delightful Lindsay Lohan -- "To look like a freak is to be ALIVE WITH FASHION, and also, WASH YOUR FACE IN CHAMPAGNE."
POSH: You're mad as pants, aren't you? You're more bonkers than a shed in a limousine.
KARL: I've grown tired of your complaining. You're just AFRAID TO BE FABULOUS. Now leave me unless your breasts make martinis.
I'm sorry, Dakota. Really, I am. This isn't about you. Whenever I see you interviewed, you seem very well-adjusted and mature, and properly parented. And I'm pleased about that, because it greatly diminishes the odds of you drooling booze onto a Hollywood sidewalk six years from now while Paris Hilton celebrates being kicked off Dancing With The Stars for trying to have sex with her partner during the tango.
So, don't take this personally. Like I said, it's not you. It's the world. It's The Scourge.
It's found you.
Are you HAPPY NOW, Leggings? Are you PLEASED with yourselves? LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. You have INFECTED THE CHILDREN. Even Wilbur is like, "Dude, I don't want any part of that."
Does it make you feel all WARM INSIDE to have SCRAMBLED THE JUDGMENT OF OUR NATION'S YOUTH? To have claimed the innocence of America's Underage Sweetheart? Oh, you are a dangerous, caddish stretchy-cotton plague. Curses! A POX ON YOU.
It bears repeating: Constant vigilence is required here. If your guard comes down for even a second, you could find yourselves in a tunic and leggings faster than you can reach for an old photo album to ward off the demons.
Be strong, Dakota. Wrest yourself from their spandex talons. We're here for you.
So, don't take this personally. Like I said, it's not you. It's the world. It's The Scourge.
It's found you.
Are you HAPPY NOW, Leggings? Are you PLEASED with yourselves? LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE DONE. You have INFECTED THE CHILDREN. Even Wilbur is like, "Dude, I don't want any part of that."
Does it make you feel all WARM INSIDE to have SCRAMBLED THE JUDGMENT OF OUR NATION'S YOUTH? To have claimed the innocence of America's Underage Sweetheart? Oh, you are a dangerous, caddish stretchy-cotton plague. Curses! A POX ON YOU.
It bears repeating: Constant vigilence is required here. If your guard comes down for even a second, you could find yourselves in a tunic and leggings faster than you can reach for an old photo album to ward off the demons.
Be strong, Dakota. Wrest yourself from their spandex talons. We're here for you.
I'm not here to rag on the dress -- Jay McCarroll made it out of McDonald's gift cards and Kelis agreed to model it at some kind of Ronald McDonald House auction, and it's the holidays, and it's For The Children (even if it is a foundation run by a giant clown), and even if I'm a little grossed out at the idea of so many sweet, delicious (and, okay, theoretical) Big Mac value meals being right up next to her crotch, she pretty much works it.
My thoughts on the tree skirt she's pretending is a cape aren't as charitable, but what hit me most about this photo is that when I first saw it, I thought, "Huh, so Eva Pigford is modeling after all!"
That is not good, Kelis. For one thing, even Eva Pigford -- sorry, "Eva Marcille," because that's really going to make us forget the amusing nasal aptness of her old surname -- has abandoned the cheap, crusty-looking bleach and colored her hair back to its natural brown. And for another, you are Kelis. Nobody should be mistaking you for anyone, least of all Eva Pigcille. Your milkshake brought all those boys to the yard; now, they're going to get there, take one look at you, and bolt, thinking you're a struggling Top Model winner and not a kick-ass pot of sass.
Please correct this.
So, I guess Ashlee Simpson is the spokesperson for Skechers now?
"You know what the Kids Today are like," the ad exec who put this ad together -- let's call her Alison Parker -- might have said. "They LOVE to sit around, buying stuff on the internets, wearing knickers! Sometimes, they just toss on a kicky vest and manage to levitate their CD into thin air! It's awesome. Sometimes -- if they're super cool -- their faces start to look kind of eerily like the skulls on their knit caps! And they all wear SKECHERS, a brand that looks totally, totally, freakishly misspelled the more closely you look at it! They're going to love this ad!"
"You know what the Kids Today are like," the ad exec who put this ad together -- let's call her Alison Parker -- might have said. "They LOVE to sit around, buying stuff on the internets, wearing knickers! Sometimes, they just toss on a kicky vest and manage to levitate their CD into thin air! It's awesome. Sometimes -- if they're super cool -- their faces start to look kind of eerily like the skulls on their knit caps! And they all wear SKECHERS, a brand that looks totally, totally, freakishly misspelled the more closely you look at it! They're going to love this ad!"