Go Fug Yourself

#226
Why so glum, Piper?
74868847.jpg

Your skirt isn't that bad. ... Okay, maybe the hemline is a little funky right now, and the ruffles seem kind of janky and crushed near the waist. And that shirt is hanging really limply off of your torso. And your hair could use some attention (perhaps a volumizer?). Also, those shoes are kind of awful -- and even if I'm alone on that island, at the very least you still shouldn't have worn them with this outfit. To a major movie premiere. And you look like you might be considering a killing spree.
But other than that, what's the reason for looking so snarly? You were in Coyote Ugly! Sure, it's kind of painful to watch sometimes, but you got to dance on a bar and watch Tyra Banks boogie in a diner with Bridget Moynahan back before the latter dieted herself into a man's jawline and then got knocked up during ex sex, and that Adam Garcia sure was kind of cute. So look on the bright side. It's not like you had suffer Adam's fate: following up Coyote Ugly with Bootmen, where he led a bunch of steel workers in a tap-dancing show to try and save the town or the mill or their artistic souls or somesuch.
So, smile a little, okay? Skip the surliness. Stand up straight. Enjoy life, and the fact that you're still invited to stuff. Because until you're soldering metal to the bottom of people's work boots and teaching them to dance on industrial barrels of some sort, your life hasn't gone that wrong.
 
#227
74879645.jpg

EVANNA LYNCH: Oy, Rupert -- thanks so much for the pants and shoes! You're a peach. It's my first movie, and without you to loan me the proper clothes, I'd have had no idea what to wear in the photos.
RUPERT GRINT: Don't worry about it, I've got plenty of ratty things you can borrow. The key is to look as grubby as possible, yeah? That way women want to hug you and take you home and clean you up.
EMMA WATSON: I look the best! I look the best!
DANIEL RADCLIFFE: God, this is uncomfortable. How am I supposed to smile with all this itchy cotton on? How am I supposed to show off my pelvic bone, then?
KATIE LEUNG: Bjork's new line of tights and matching shoes is SO GOOD. Seriously, Evanna, you should look into it.
EVANNA: No, Rupert told me I should look like a street urchin. Just because you were in the last movie doesn't mean you know as much as he does.
KATIE: At least I brushed my hair.
DANIEL: I mean, Harry's getting older -- isn't it about time we saw more of his manliness?
EVANNA: At least I'm not wearing a glorified drawstring sack, KATIE.
EMMA: No, seriously, you guys, pay attention to me -- I actually look the best of everyone! This is FANTASTIC! I DID IT!
RUPERT: Come on, ladies, don't you all just want to run your fingers through my messy hair and wash my clothes? Admit it.
DANIEL: I wish they'd take my clothes. They really get in the way of promoting your acting roles.
KATIE: Really? Because I actually have a whole second outfit hidden underneath my skirt.
DANIEL: Don't these people want to create buzz? Look, Evanna's dressed like the Artful Dodger. Maybe she can STEAL my clothes.
EMMA: Oh, shut up, Daniel. We're tired of hearing about that thing with the horse.
DANIEL: All I'm saying is, this suit MIGHT be rigged so that if you pull it in the right spot, it all drops off me.
EMMA: No thanks. Everyone already thinks we all fancy the pants off each other. I'm not giving them any picture evidence. Now shut up and smile.
 
#228
I've looked at this photo of Beyonce for like twenty minutes, and I can't decide if she looks crazy, or AWESOME:
74927303.jpg

Is it subtle? No. Is it restrained? No. Is it impossible to sit down in? Probably. Could this be one of the costumes from the grand finale of the Xanadu musical? (Warning: that link takes you to possibly the most mesmerizing Flash intro ever) We hope so. And yet, something about how over-the-top it is is also kind of FABULOUS. It's so....shiny. And futuristic. And weird. And ballsy. And probably really hot in the sun -- if you want to hug her, you probably have to wrap a beach towel around her waist to avoid being scalded, like how you sometimes need to use a dishrag to handle your steering wheel during a heat wave.
But this metallic extravaganza is nothing compared to what B wore to perform in:
74928086.jpg

She's like C3PO's Dream Woman! Who's also apparently f'ing LOADED, because these leggings cost like, seriously, $100,000 (they're Balanciaga, and I assume they also do your laundry and babysit your children, for that price). And while I am concerned that one of her breasts is about to pop out (which, I mean, of course it's much more difficult to yank up a bra composed of precious metals than it is a little cotton number -- what are you gonna do?), you have to give the girl credit for FULLY COMMITTING to a vision.
 
#229
paris-party8.jpg

Love the shoes, but what is the appeal of the split knickers? It looks like she had an accident with some barbed wire. Maybe her vagina gets upset if it doesn't have some ventilation, or at least a nearby window.
Although I much prefer the image of Paris, having locked herself out of her home, hurling her body over a barbed-wire fence and getting her knickers caught, dangling there for twenty minutes screaming at her bodyguard to stop laughing and help her, dammit, instead of running off to 7-11 to buy a disposable camera.
 
#230
56792350.jpg

If I were the Us Weekly body-language expert, and I were being consulted to do something as gravely important as making up subtext to a celebrity photograph, I would probably suggest that Nicky Hilton is thinking, "Try to smile, be cool, stay on your side of the line -- if you don't touch it, you can't catch anything from it."
 
#231
74939929.jpg

POSH: Oi. My tits are killing me in this thing.
SPORTY: I am just SO HAPPY you guys didn't make me wear that tracksuit!
GINGER: Wait. Is this OUR reunion announcement? ****. I thought I was going to the photoshoot for the Stevie Nicks tribute band I'm in on weekends. Okay. Just be cool, Geri.
BABY: Baby Spice is HAVING A BABY! Doesn't that make you feel OLD? I'm also wearing a teeny tiny cape. Just for fun! 2 become 1!!
SCARY: SUCK ON THIS, EDDIE MURPHY.
POSH: When this is over, I am calling Karl and telling him never to do this to my breasts again. Of course, then he'll say something totally surreal like, "BOOB TAPE SHALL BE YOUR HAN SOLO" and what do you say to that?
SPORTY: You know what? I'm not going to do any of those karate-style high kicks anymore, EITHER. It might mess up my cute new hair. Everyone can just DEAL.
GINGER: I hope Mel wasn't serious when she told me to get my Union Jack dress back. I mean, she had to be kidding, right? Those slags at the Hard Rock are totally not returning my calls.
BABY: Ziga zig AH!
SCARY: Geri better get that Union Jack dress back. If she quits the band again, I swear I'll kill her.
 
#232
I once read an article about Vivica A. Fox in which she claimed to have decided to us her middle initial professionally so that when people talked about her, they called her "Vivica: a fox!"
74930267.jpg

Upon reflection, I maybe would have gone with Vivica A. Huge Goldfinger Fan or Vivica A. Statuette for a Minor But Tacky Awards Show or Vivica A. Showgirl or Vivica A. Touchstone For All That Is Pure, Chaste, Demure and Understated in This Crazy Mixed Up World of Ours.
Okay, maybe not that last one.
 
#233
74994664.jpg

EMMA: Well. Nice to see you've upped your game, Katie.
KATIE: Somebody had to give you a run for your money, and it wasn't going to be Rupert.
EMMA: Pity you copied my shoes, though.
KATIE: At least mine aren't dyed to match. Lucky for you, no one can tell in this light. Try to stay out of direct sun, though.
EMMA: I suppose I'm happy for you that you look so nice. After all, it's not like you have a very important part in any of this from now on.
KATIE: Which is fine with me. If being the lead actress means I'm wearing... what are those? Armpit bracelets? -- then I think I'm fine with being a supporting player.
EMMA: I'm being progressive. I play the best witch in the school. I've got to be daring.
KATIE: With armpit bracelets? Do they time-release some deodorant?
EMMA: Nah. I tried, but it turns out my wand is only a prop.
KATIE: Oh well. Listen, other than that, you actually do look rather pretty. You almost make them work.
EMMA: You're a peach, Katie. Thanks. We ARE kind of adorable.
KATIE: Should we go torture Daniel about his pecs?
EMMA: I'll give you 20 quid if you can convince him to unbutton his shirt to his navel.
KATIE: Easy money. You're on.
 
#234
The coverage of the Harry Potter kids has been out of control lately -- which makes sense, given that the most recent of the films opens this weekend, and the final book comes out on the 21st (not that I've had that marked on my calendar since February or anything). And, with only a few be-feathered mis-steps, Emma Watson's mostly been looking adorable in Chanel at all the various associated events. Which is why she needs to sue Parade magazine for dressing her in this:
emmawatson.jpg

Unless I blacked out during a section of Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in which Hermione decided to chuck the whole wizarding thing and become a winsome tap-dancing orphan, this just makes no sense at all. I get the books -- since Hermione is brainy -- but what's with the top hat? She's not a MAGICIAN. She's a WIZARD. It's DIFFERENT.
Although I don't know why I'm all that surprised. Parade magazine is noteworthy mostly because it's so bad (sorry, Parade staffers. It's not your fault. I blame the crappy newsprint you're forced to work with). When I was a kid, my mother would read the Letters From the Readers section every weekend and get enraged because all the questions therein were SO STUPID and clearly chosen/faked because the person charged with answering said letters had some kind of beef he really wanted to passive-aggressively address that week. Like, one of them would be all, "Dear Parade, Could you please explain to me why every young actress in Hollywood today is a PANTY-LESS WHOOOOORE? When I was young, our actresses WERE PARAGONS OF VIRTUE. I AM APPALLED." (This would run like three years after the panty-free fad had passed, of course.) And the answer would be like, "I WISH I KNEW. You are so right, reader. The youth of today DISGUST ME and I WEEP FOR THE FUTURE. It's the fault of all those dirty hippies who had children in the 70s. LOOK TO THE GREATEST GENERATION FOR GUIDANCE." And then after my mother would complain about how Parade Magazine is totally out of touch, my father would complain about Marilyn Vos Savant ("she's clearly a fraud. What is the likelihood that the person with the world's highest IQ is named SAVANT?") and then we'd all eat pancakes.
Great, now I want pancakes. Thanks a lot, Parade.
 
#235
75264355.jpg

"No, I'm DEAD SERIOUS, you guys-- when the mad scientist landed the DeLorean, we were in the year 2112, and you would not BELIEVE how well it all turns out. Our national anthem is Paris Hilton's dance-hall remix of 'The Cell-Block Tango.' Europe is rich beyond your imagination because it collected millions from the rest of the world in exchange for honorary berths in the Eurovision Song Contest. My face had been added to Mount Rushmore, because a prank broadcast of the 'Justify My Love' video on Al Jazeera accidentally brought about world peace. The ENTIRE army wears these wicked corset-vests because Death By Cracked Rib is the only disease science hasn't cured. We solved the energy crisis by manufacturing only clothes made of shiny, stretchy, insta-drying material like my leggings, which are also bulletproof and clean up after themselves, and we've learned how to breed new universes by injecting them into our bodies and incubating them in our bloodstream, which is why my veins are so bulging you could lace your shoes with them. Oh, and you should SEE how they've revolutionized the penis -- show them, Codpiece darling."
 
#236
Little Hermione Granger is turning into a such a pretty young woman. And yes, I realize that statement just added ten years onto my age. But it's true. However, Emma Watson clearly needs a Ginny Weasley in her life, because nobody's BFF would let them leave the house in this:
56106251.jpg

The dress itself is a little overly complicated -- a bit too "Hey, baby, climb up my trellis" for my taste -- but I can see how a teenage girl at her movie premiere might feel princessy and ethereal in it. But nothing excuses the stumpy flats. She could've looked very graceful and tall and elegant in ANY kind of heel, but instead she looks like she just padded out of her closet screaming, "IF RUPERT HASN'T CUT HIS HAIR I'M NOT GOING, BECAUSE HE IS NOT NOR HAS HE EVER BEEN A MEMBER OF THE MONKEES, SO IF YOU WANT ME THERE YOU WILL HAVE TO DRAG ME OUT OF HERE BY MY HAIR RIGHT THIS SECOND."
And maybe her mother or her agent or manager or whomever did just that, because the other inexplicable and highly preventable tragedy of this outfit is the shoestring headband.
The last time I saw a person with a shoelace tied around his head, it was an old man on Halloween in a bar. With his shoelace headgear, he was wearing those horrible tiny running shorts from the 80s, knee-high socks with his shoes, and a tank top. And while we played a friendly game of pool, Old Man Shoelace suddenly leaned in to me, slurred that he was once the greatest lover a woman could ever hope to find, said he's always known he was an incredibly handsome man and that being good-looking has been something of a tough cross to bear, and shoved his tongue into my ear while growling something I couldn't understand, in part because he was a drunk lunatic and in part because his saliva was obscuring my hearing.
This was not a good Halloween memory. And so Emma Watson is not, perhaps, in the best company here with that shoelace on her head. I would very much like to implore her friends and family to rescue her from Old Man Shoelace's fate. She has a bright future ahead of her. Save her from being an Ear-Tongue Bandit.
 
#237
Oh my God, Emma Watson, why? WHY?
ewempire15.jpg

You are an adorable and lovely young lady! Why are you wearing...this? Are you uncomfortable out of your Hogwarts uniform? Because, frankly, I would rather you wore that around town than those jeans tucked into those flat boots. If you insist on the Jeans Tucked Into Boots thing, the boots need heels, or you're just going to look stumpy. Stumpy!
And the black shirt? So cute. BUT SO NOT A VEST. And if it WERE a vest, you shouldn't be layering it over WHAT LOOKS LIKE THERMAL UNDERWEAR. Let me be clear: I appreciate your girlish modesty. I am so pleased that your young boobies aren't falling out all over the place and that you're not prancing about with your thong waving in the breeze. But you just look so very confused in this outfit. So confused. So uncomfortable. So much like you need professional fashion help.
Surely there's something in your spell book that you can use to cook up a new stylist?
 
#238
Why Puberty Is Hard, as overheard at a recent Harry Potter function:
pdl8.jpg

Rupert Grint: Cripes, how can I see with all this hair in my face?
Emma Watson: I am about to burst into tears.
Daniel Radcliffe: I've suddenly developed an obsession with Morrissey, hence my monocromatic black ensemble.
Rupert Grint: "Rupert Grint" is a really terrible name, isn't it? I wonder if I can convince people to start calling me "Tony."
Emma Watson: Hasn't anyone noticed that I look like I am going to cry? Hasn't anyone noticed that I've been forced to wear my father's pants, turned into knickers? With trainers? Hello? Anyone? Won't anyone comfort me?
Daniel Radcliffe: I just realized that I am wearing an overly large polo shirt buttoned up to the neck. I feel very, very uncomfortable all of a sudden.
Rupert Grint: Also, Dan? You kind of need a hair cut.
Daniel Radcliffe: Thanks for the newflash, Shaggy. Why aren't you more concerned about my brows, which seem suddenly to be reaching Peter Gallagher-esque proportions?

Emma Watson: HELLO? Two seconds away from hot, fresh tears here! I am an ADORABLE GIRL and LOOK AT WHAT I AM WEARING.
Daniel Radcliffe: You do look a bit as though you raided Mary Stuart Masterson's closet from 1983. But with worse pants.
Emma Watson: You weren't even born in 1983, so why don't you shut up?
Daniel Radcliffe: Why don't YOU shut up?
Emma Watson: YOU.
Rupert Grint: I am just going to back away from this situation verrrry verrry slowly. If I escape now, maybe no one will notice that my trousers are both too long and rather dirty.
Emma Watson: [crying] I can see you trying to sneak off. It's because you're embarassed to be seen with me in these knickers, isn't it, Rupert? ISN'T IT?
Rupert Grint: No, it's because...well, actually, yes. They're really rather horrible. Why is the crotch so long? [TO SELF: Oh my God, did I just say "crotch" to a girl? I want to die.]

Daniel Radcliffe: Don't let him get to you, Emma. If this double decker bus behind us crashes into us, to die by your side? Is such a heavenly way to die.
Emma Watson: I want to go home.
 
#239
If only Harry Potter were not fictional. I would send one Master Ronald Weasley a Howler regarding his hair. Behold!
gofposter_ron.jpg

Ron, Ron, Ron. I love you entirely, and spent the whole time I was reading Goblet of Fire worried that you were going to get killed off. BUT MY GOD, MAN. How can you SEE to cast your spells with all that HAIR IN YOUR EYES? You look like Shaun Cassidy. DON'T YOU HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS WITHOUT THE UPKEEP OF BANGS? WHY HAVE THE COSTUMERS DECIDED THIS WAS A GOOD LOOK FOR YOU?
And as if poor Ron's hair weren't tragic enough, apparently sweet little Rupert Grint has decided to keep it in real life:
HARRYFIN51025-82.jpg

Please tell me you're effecting the pose of The Thinker because you are reconsidering your bowl cut. You are ADORABLE. I am nothing if not a fan of the Family Weasley! YOU'D LOOK SO MUCH BETTER IF YOU JUST GOT YOUR HAIR OUT OF YOUR -- oh, sweet God. I just turned into my mother, didn't I?
Sorry, Ron. Carry on.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Top
Back