Friends Divided by Kids v No Kids??

gloss_gal

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May 3, 2006
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Hm, I totally get what you are saying. I have quite a few friends who have kids and I agree there are some who take a tone since motherhood. I have a friend whose Mother was keeping her daughter but her Mother could never keep her daugher because she had doctor's appointments so the daughter would have to take off and eventually lost her job (for that reason). When I nocely suggested that she find a backup babysitter I was told that since I don't have kids, I didn't know what I was talking about. :wtf:

Another friend who was working in the city and had to take the subway instead of driving told me that the subway was made for people who did not have kids since she had to pick up her child after school. :confused1: I could have said that maybe it's just not geared for single Moms with no support system but I took the higher road.

Now this is just 2 out of the tons of friends I have that do have kids. It really depends on the type of person she is, not the kids or some chemical imbalance. If you need to, love the friend from a distance.
 

hmwe46

why bother
O.G.
Jun 27, 2006
10,774
29
^^ Exactly.

It's not "can" friends with/without kids -stay- friends (of course they *can*), but what is the friendship like afterward?

Finding time for friends can be hard for *everyone*, not just parents.

It seems to be an invisible dividing line at the very heart of the matter: woman that have never had children really can not truly relate to childbirth and the changes that are forever a consequence.
 

gloss_gal

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May 3, 2006
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I don't think it has anything to do with childbirth but more personality and the core of that person. I can see that person behave the same way with other things (husband, job,...).
 

hmwe46

why bother
O.G.
Jun 27, 2006
10,774
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Interesting point!!

I can totally see that :yes:

Some people use life experiences as a way to exclude others, and that might manifest itself in their outlook on kids in addition to other areas of their life. :sneaky:

Others are just cool about everything. :supacool:
 
May 11, 2006
1,540
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San Francisco
I think friendships can survive the kids/no kids along as you have enough in common. A friendship can't make it if one person has totally focused her energies on being a mom to the loss of everything else. I am a mom (though my kids are older now) and I always tried to have more interests than just my kids for my own sanity.
 

hmwe46

why bother
O.G.
Jun 27, 2006
10,774
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LOL :P

Do you ever feel like your friends without kids just "cant relate" or "don't get it" like your friends that have children do??

Or that perhaps they are just missing out on the 'most beautiful experience' life has to offer?? and you just don't get WHY they wouldnt have children?? (biology permitting)?


I think friendships can survive the kids/no kids along as you have enough in common. A friendship can't make it if one person has totally focused her energies on being a mom to the loss of everything else. I am a mom (though my kids are older now) and I always tried to have more interests than just my kids for my own sanity.
 
May 11, 2006
1,540
0
San Francisco
I always understood that my two friends just weren't going to have kids of their own and that was cool. I would never presume to say to my friends, who had wonderful lives, that they were missing out on the experience of having kids. Why would I want to foist my choice on others?
 

ricepot

O.G.
Oct 4, 2006
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I have a 5 year old son and before I had him, I used to go out every weekend with my 2 best friends. We were inseperable. Now that I have him, sometimes I don't think that they understand that I can't have the same lifestyle that I used to have. They always use comments like "just because you have a son doesn't mean you can't have fun". That really makes me mad sometimes. Neither one of them has any other responsibilities except work. So, sometimes I do feel that they don't understand. But, I do have other friends without children that fully understand how it is different having a child and not having a child. There are certain things that I can't do as often as I used to before I had a child, but I can still do them, just not as frequently.
 

hmwe46

why bother
O.G.
Jun 27, 2006
10,774
29
My friends with kids totally "understand the choice not to have kids", however there is still an element of divide: if you don't have kids, you can't possibly understand them anymore.

No matter how much time spent, or loving the relationship, it seems there is more than an element of "you childless women can not understand those of us with kids", an exclusionary factor, if you will.

Just an observation....
 

Christine

Back in 5 minutes..
O.G.
Sep 15, 2006
2,919
5
My friends with kids totally "understand the choice not to have kids", however there is still an element of divide: if you don't have kids, you can't possibly understand them anymore.

No matter how much time spent, or loving the relationship, it seems there is more than an element of "you childless women can not understand those of us with kids", an exclusionary factor, if you will.

Just an observation....
My friends love me for me. There is no question about kids or no. I guess I am just lucky.
 

hmwe46

why bother
O.G.
Jun 27, 2006
10,774
29
Oh I agree. My friends with kids love me for me too. I have several friendships that have more than survived my choice not to have kids, buy a dozen years or more.

However, I still think that they believe I simply can not relate to their lives as Mommies. That the opinion of any childless woman relating to child issues is invalidated.

No bearing on understanding the time kids require, but an underlying assumption that those without kids can not truly understand those with kids.

Which may be true ;) LOL :shame:

But I wonder if any of the many mothers that have commented about maintaining childess friendships can relate to that at any level??? :shrugs:

In other words, to be really blunt:

do those of you with kids believe that those of us without can not understand *you* anymore??? :confused1:
 

Christine

Back in 5 minutes..
O.G.
Sep 15, 2006
2,919
5
Oh I agree.

My friends with kids love me for me too. I have several friendships that have more than survived my choice not to have kids, but a dozen years or more.

But I still think that they believe I simply can not relate to their lives as Mommies. That the opinion of any childless woman relating to child issues is invalidated.

No bearing on understanding the time kids require, but an underlying assumption that those without kids can not truly understand those with kids.

Which may be true ;) LOL

But I wonder if any of the many mothers that have commented about maintaining childess friendships can relate to at some deep level???
I think anyone with a brain can understand life. I totally get my twin sister's life (she has two kids - ramping to three). She lives in glorious NYC in a swank neighborhood and yet the kids still cause stress. And my best friend from Houston - oh her kids cause stress also. My other friend from Houston - well the baby was with us at Rock and Bowl and she managed to integrate the other child into our friendships.... It is all about the Mom. Some can't handle it and become recluses. Some can and maintain a life.
 

HauteMama

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O.G.
Sep 22, 2006
11,622
1,155
A lot of it has to do with the preconceived notions each friend has about motherhood. If the friend with no children doesn't understand why a person is no longer as free and available to go out as they once were or thinks that someone with children will automatically become boring and child-consumed, that obviously has a detrimental effect.

And it works the other way around, too. If someone with children gets lost in motherhood and cannot talk about anything except poop habits and lack of sleep or assumes that a person without children is missing something, that, too, can easily kill a friendship.

I think too many people don't realize their internal prejudices regarding children and so are frustrated by the changes in others or in themselves when children enter a friendship. But if both friends can see the other person for who they are and always have been, then there is no reason why people with and without children cannot remain fast friends.