Friend issue..need advice

[ShimmaPuff]

If she hurt your feelings, let her know.

Friends are neither replaceable nor disposable. Talk to her. When you tell her that she hurt your feelings, also tell her that you can tell she is unhappy.

Let her know that if she wants to talk to you about the unhappiness, you are listening, and if she doesn't, that is OK. But it is important that she talk to somebody about it.

Maybe it will turn out that she is in fact depressed, and needs treatment for it. But it might also be any number of other things that are worrying her, which could be anywhere from easily solvable by just about anybody but her, or something that she is just going to have to develop ways to manage.

For instance, if she is unhappy because she thinks her butt looks fat, that might be fixed with a simple shopping trip for new jeans.

On the other hand, if she is unhappy because a family member has serious health problems, she might just need somebody to listen, help her find a good second opinion doctor, etc etc.

The first step is for you to lead by example in the communication arena, and let her know she hurt your feelings!

 

[Irishgal]

I think I would try this once: sit down with her and explain that in your opinion her attitude has changed and she is not fun to be around, and that you have tried to hang with her but at some point you have to protect yourself and move on. If she is not receptive to this, move on for a while and see if she comes around.

 

[jcriley5]

I would just try to ease out of it by not returning her calls right away or being busy more, and then seeing her less and less as time goes on. It sounds like she is a toxic friend. I had a friend like that that I kind of phased her out from best friend to once in a while friend status, and now she is finally maturing and less negative so we have become closer again.

 

[Pursegrrl]

ITA with the posts to let her know how her behavior is affecting you and to see if she has anything she wants to talk about or if she needs to consider getting help elsewhere.

Toxic people are a total waste of time not to mention a drain. But I know from personal experience it is hard to let go when there was a lot of great history that is now a distant memory. Anyway, that's what I had to do; I had to distance myself from a good friend who had become depressed and a broken record about so many things I was ready to puke. It was really sad but I'm so much happier now that she's out of my life.

I wish you all the best with whatever is meant to be for you and your (current) friend.

 

[Irissy]

If you don't have the time and energy to deal with her "toxic" behavior and she is making you depress, then you should leave.

But if you do have some time to talk things thru with her, then you should stay and try to help her.

I became "temporary toxic" after I graduated from grad school due to the stress of taking my board exam and looking for a job. Some of my friends left me but I'm really grateful for the ones that I actually stayed and tried to help me out. Sometimes, just give that person a chance.

 

[ShimmaPuff]

I don't think she is depressed I think I know what the reasons are....

She has gained weight and can't take it off. She won't do the work to make it happen....her words-not mine.

She also watches the news..ALL.THE.TIME...thinks the world is coming to an end in the next three weeks because Bush and the **********s...blah, blah, blah.

Well, I am of two minds about that. On the one hand, it is easy to say that people should be informed, and take an interest in events beyond their kitchen window, make an effort to learn and understand more about the big picture, and give some thought to the changes and challenges ahead, maybe even some thought to changes and challenges that have already arrived at some of the neighbors' doors, and what we can do to help, maybe even applying some of the lessons learned in that endeavor to how we plan to adapt to those changes, face those challenges.

But as I've gotten older, I realize that all that is not for everyone. For one thing, it can be even harder and require more work than losing weight. And for another, the fact is that we are not all the same in terms of "emotional strength," for want of a better word. For some people, finding out that things that they always took for granted are not true can be so upsetting that it can impact - and not in a good way, that person's capacity not only to help their neighbors and consider changes and challenges, but in their capacity to just get through the business of their everyday living - which includes being nice to their friends! And it can actually make them depressed. And anger. Anger, after all, is nothing but sadness on steroids, and sadness is a very healthy and natural reaction to some things.

We don't all adjust to sadness at the same rate of speed, and we are not all as good about channeling that sadness into helping others, or kicking ass at the things we do best, etc.

Some of us are better at communication than others, better at some aspects of it than others, whether that is opening up about our feelings, or being sensitive to the feelings of other people, making sure that our messages and our audiences are a good match, especially in a personal/social context.

What I am getting from you is that you would like her to be like she was before, and in some ways, that might not be possible.

That does not mean, however, that it is OK for her to hurt your feelings. It's not OK for you, and it's not OK for her.

It may also be possible that you have some conflicted feelings of your own, about how you feel about your friendship with her, and how much effort you would want to put into helping her. It may be that she is in some ways a different person now than she was when you met her, and finding and holding onto that common ground, a comfortable home for a new phase of your friendship, might require a good bit of hard work from you both.

I would still recommend talking all this over with her, IF, after talking it all over with yourself, you decide that you really want to.

 

[mellecyn]

What would you like ? to save your friendship or get rid of her ? sorry to be that straight foward but there are 2 takes on this subject....
I think everyone telling you just to leave and ignore her is acting cowardly. Remember We´re only judging form the infos you´re giving us. If she´s really toxic to you, OK confront her and leave, but she might also just need help.
Would you leave your husband when trouble comes or would you try to fix things ?
I mean it can be really difficult to change one´s views on things , those who always see the glass half empty instead of half full, it´s a general take on life....
But if she´s a good friend, stick with her, talk to her about your feelings and tell her to seek help from a therapist, she seems miserable.
I am glad my girlfriends don´t turn their back on me when I go through my phases of "I´m miserable" and complain all the time....some people have depression, it´s not their fault, don´t just leave them alone they also have good things to bring you.

 

[bubbleliciousis]

if she's a really good friend in your eyes, i would say something gentle about these changes to her. her being rude and snapping. she might be having a mood disorder or be depressed. encourage her to get help or see if something is bothering her.

BTW i would only do this for my handful of super duper friends.

see how she reacts to this. if she blows up, take time off from her. if not, be around and support her as she goes through this but don't drive urself insane doing so.