Fraiser

#16
Frasier: Now listen, before anyone says something they'll regret...
Daphne: Butt out! If you hadn't opened your big mouth we wouldn't be in this mess! Donny wouldn't be suing me and everyone else in sight and I wouldn't be out two weeks salary for a dress I'm apparently never going to wear, [to Niles] and you wouldn't be kowtowing to that shrew of a wife of yours!
Frasier: This is all my fault?!
Niles: Oh shut up, Frasier! The only thing more hollow than your protest of innocence is your big fat head!
Frasier: I AM WOUNDED! I intervened only out of love for the two people who are most important to...
Daphne: Oh, put a sock in it! I am sick and tired of listening to you yammering on about everything under the sun!
Niles: Daphne...
Daphne: And I'm sick of listening to you, too. You got anything to say, old man?!



Photographer: All right, now how 'bout a kiss?
Niles: All right, I hardly know you, but...
(He takes a step towards the photographer with a laugh, Mel puts her
hand on his arm.)



Niles: Dry? I know that's not your liver speaking!
(Everyone is shocked)
Mel: Niles! We just discussed you were not going to bring that up!
Niles: Well I did, so there. (she kicks him under the table) And I'll say it again! (to Andrew) You're probably seeing two of me, so you might as well hear me twice! You sir, are a complete drunk!
(Nuclear silence)
Andrew: Niles, how could you...
Niles: Well, uh--
Andrew: How could you know? I thought I was hiding it so well. I have a problem, it's time I face it."
Chip: I've been meaning to say something, but I didn't have the courage.
Lucy: Not like Niles. You're a good person.



(The teacher grabs the note from Niles and Frasier)
Teacher : Is that a funny note there? I enjoy funny things. Why don't I share it with the class?
(Pauses to read the note and stops)
Teacher : Does anyone here read French?
(Frasier raises his hand)
Teacher : (now miffed) Anyone besides Frasier?
(Niles raises his)



Daphne : Bloody Hell! I'm wearing two different shoes!



Martin : (to Daphne) I just thought of something funny. It took three Cranes to lift you.



Niles: Well, then... I don't know what you want! I can't read minds,
you know! And by the way, neither can you!
Daphne: (gapes) Are you saying you don't think I'm psychic?!
Niles: Not if you thought I loved your cooking!
Daphne: Well, I'm sorry it's not that hoity-toity crap you eat!
Niles: What does that mean? You, you think I'm pretentious?
Daphne: Huh, you'd eat a worm if I gave it a French name!
Niles: Well fine! If that's the way you feel, maybe I'll just have
dinner by myself!
Daphne: Fine! It'll spare you the hell that's my cooking!
(Niles storms out and Daphne heads for her room. Before she can get
there, she turns back just as Niles hurries back through the door)
Niles: I am so sorry! I love you so much!
(They embrace)
Niles: I didn't mean any of those things.
Daphne: Yes you did. And I did too. You're a pretentious snob with
your wine and your opera.
Niles: Well...you NEVER GIVE OPERA A CHANCE! You're too judgmental.
Daphne: And you're a clean freak.
Niles: Well...I hate your unicorn collection.
Daphne: And I hate that your closet is bigger than mine!
(He reaches up to touch her cheek)
Niles: Well...you're too tall!
Daphne: You're too short.
(He pulls her to him)
Niles: Well...
(They kiss passionately, stumbling up against the pillar and knocking
over one of Frasier's statuettes. The camera continues to pan across
as they continue)
 
#17
Roz: Hey, everybody. Am I too late?
Martin: No, you're perfect. We're all hooked up and ready to go.
Roz: Great. I brought "Caddyshack"! Who's funnier than that
gopher?
Daphne: Roger Rabbit, that's who-
Martin: Hey, what about my movie, "The Longest Day"? It's got D-Day
and the Duke!
Niles: Whoa, that is an embarrassment of riches. Each movie more
appealing than the last. Well, perhaps there's a happy
compromise in "The Unbearable Lightness of Being."
(holds it up)
Roz: Well that would be a happy compromise, except for one thing:
Boring!



Niles: Yes, please. I'll have the French roast, with three shots
of espresso.
Daphne: The Defibrillator?
Niles: Yeah, that's the one.
(Daphne goes to get the coffee, Niles sits down)
Frasier: A quick little pick-me-up, Niles?
Niles: Oh, I am exhausted. Sleeping with Daphne, I'm not getting
any rest. The way she gyrates, it's like...
Frasier: Stop the simile! No use in conjuring up imagery I'll only
have to repress later.



Cam: Maybe next time you'll think twice before calling the police when I have a party.
Frasier: What makes you think it was me?
Cam: You're the only one in the building I didn't invite.



Niles : Stop! Look at yourselves! This is wrong. What are words after all but a way to communicate, to bring us together. But you, you're using them as weapons! Now we still have an opportunity to walk out of here as winners. And wouldn't that be the greatest spellabration of all?
Frasier : He's right son. Let's go home.
Clayton : Yeah, we're all winners. Except for the two cheaters.
(Frasier, Niles and Freddie freeze but continue walking)
Warren : Hey do you know how to spell "loser"? C-R-A-N-E.
(Again the Cranes freeze but continue walking)
Clayton : You don't have to worry about ever seeing him again son. Chances are he'll end up in a state school.
(The Cranes spin around)
Niles : How dare you? (to Freddie) Can you take him?
Freddie : Yeah.
Niles : Then spell his ass off!



Niles : Where is your blazer?
Freddoe: It's in the bathroom.
Niles : Dear God. If it's touched the floor we'll have to destroy it.



Carla: I'd like to say that I'll miss you, but it sticks in my throat like your rotten deviled eggs! I hate your guts! The way you talk and talk and talk about nothing! The way you walk, your stupid white socks...
Frasier: Carla...
Carla: Back off, I'm toasting! The 20 years I have known you would have been less painful if I were covered with open sores and thrown into a pit with a bunch of diseased rats! But now, finally you're leaving! I know I am not as young as I used to be, but I can live again! I can live again! Finally, I can live! Anyway, God bless.
 
#18
i LOVE FRAISER!! i can watch reruns every night!!

such witty sense of humor you know?

my favorite episode is the one where they are at the exclusive spa and try to make their way through the golden door, and then the platinum door.... it's hilarious to watch niles wrapped up and trying to hop towards the platinum door....
 
#21
My favorite episode was the one where Daphne taught him how to ballroom dance and ended up doing the tango with him.


Also, I loved the one where Niles had to have heart surgery. Such a touching episode. It showed how each member of the family dealt with something like that.


(I love the part where Niles bought a first edition copy of a book. He was being so careful about not dirtying the book or the pages. Roz finally gets fed up. She takes the book, licks it and hands it back to him.)
 
#22
Niles: Frasier, you have got to snap out of this. You start seeing
patients soon. You realize you're only using food to fill
a void. Oh, I forgot to void that check to the dry cleaner.
I got my camel coat home, it had a spot the size of a
krugerrand I know for a fact wasn't there when...
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: Sorry. What are you doing with Dad's Velveeta?
Frasier: Well, what do you think I'm doing? I'm gonna eat it.
Niles: Okay, Frasier, this isn't funny anymore.



Ronee: Great. It'll be just like old times. Except you get to stay
up late. Hey, Niles, do you remember when I used to tell you
those scary bed time stories?
Niles: No, not really.
Ronee: Yeah, yeah. You thought there were earwig eggs on all the
furniture and you started taking one of those hankies out and
wiping off all the chairs before you'd sit in them because you
were afraid...
(She makes crawling and burrowing motions at his head.)
Niles: Nothing still, I'm sorry.
Ronee: I'm glad. For a while there I was afraid that maybe I scarred
you for life. Bloop!
(She pokes at his head and he stiffens up.)
Ronee: Well, I gotta run, I'll see you guys tonight.
Frasier: Okay, bye.
(He watches as she hurries off, then turns to Niles.)
Frasier: Okay go ahead, Niles.
(Niles twitchily gets up and gets a handkerchief.)
Niles: Oh, she put her fingers in my ears....
Frasier: I know, I know...
Niles: She was just...
Frasier: I know, give it a good one.
(Niles rubs his ears with the handkerchief and then furiously wipes
down the couch.)



Niles: Oh, what about this one? Frasier, you really must make a
decision. We've been to six stores already, and oh, that
reminds me, I must cancel our squash game tomorrow...
Frasier: Don't you hear that?
Niles: Yes, now that you mention it, I do. It's sort of like a
nervous tic of some kind. I wonder what could be causing it.
Frasier: Well, let's see: you do have a baby on the way. Perhaps
your incessant jabbering is just a way of distracting
yourself from this life changing event.
Niles: How could I have missed something so obvious?
Frasier: Well, it's not so hard to believe. You were fifteen before
you discovered there was a correlation between being beaten
up every day and going to school in a Panama hat.



Martin: Hi, Fras.
Frasier: Dad, where are your pants?
Martin: In the fridge. (off Frasier’s look) I had a reason. (shows his
pad of paper) “Fridge pants.”
Frasier: Dad, when you were at the café today, you didn’t eat a brownie
that Roz brought for Niles, did you?
Martin: Yeah - but I replaced it.
Frasier: For God’s sake! That was a pot brownie! You’re stoned off
your ass!



Niles: Well, it really bothered me when said that I never rebelled.
I mean, I’ve been obsessing about it. What kind of self-
respecting psychiatrist – not to mention father-to-be –
completely misses one of life’s prime rites of passage?
So... I’ve decided to rebel tonight. (grins) Right under
Dad’s nose.
Frasier: How?
Niles: You ready?
Frasier: Yes.
Niles: You sure?
Frasier: Positive.
Niles: Move your coffee, it might...
Frasier: Niles!
Niles: (proudly) I’m getting high on reefer.
(Frasier stares at him, while Niles puts a “shh!” finger to his lips.)
Frasier: What?
Niles: I’ve waited for this all my life, Frasier – one act of utter,
devil-may-care, crotch-grabbing brazenness! And of course
I’ll have a nurse on speed-dial in case things get too hairy.
Frasier: And exactly which of your connections in the Seattle
demimonde is going to get you this reefer?
(Roz enters and drops a small parcel on the table in front of Niles.)
Roz: Okay, Niles, you’re hooked up.
Niles: Well, oh... I’ll just take a look. (does so) Ah, yes, thick
and gooey. Ganja in its purest form.
Roz: It’s a pot brownie, you idiot. My neighbor makes them.
Frasier: Oh.



Frasier: I didn’t mean anything by it, I simply thought... (Freddie
exits) Oh, dear God! Well, thank you Lilith, for mentioning
this little development!
Daphne: Oh, it’s just a phase. All teenagers go through a rebellious
period. It always passes. You should have seen me at that
age – dating the older boys, hitch-hiking, drinking, shop-
lifting. Do you know I can carry a frozen turkey between my
knees?
(Niles, for whom this is more than he ever wanted to know, rises stiffly
and walks to the bar.)
Niles: That’ll come in handy if we ever misplace our serving platter
at Thanksgiving.
(Chuckling at her memories, Daphne points to Frasier.)
Daphne: Hey, and didn’t you once tell me you went streaking?
Frasier: Well, I had shin splints at the time, so it was really more of
a brisk nude walk.



Martin : Hey, Fras. How was the weigh-in?
Frasier : Oh, it was appalling, thank you. My teammates ridiculed me for not pigging out beforehand. You know what is it about teams and, and competitions that just brings out the worst in people?
Martin : Here we go again.
Daphne : What?
Niles : Well, Frasier and team sports are not a happy mix. Freshman
year, in a bid to please Dad-
Frasier : There is no need to tell that story.
Niles : Frasier inadvertently joined the girls' field hockey team.
Frasier : The sign-up sheet said "F. Hockey". I assumed it meant "freshmen" hockey.
Martin : The little plaid skirt didn't tip you off?
Frasier : I thought it was a kilt!



Niles: I woke this morning to find Daphne's brothers playing a game called 'I Can Reach It From Here.' Give you a hint, the 'It' was a toilet. And there were no winners.
 
#23
Cast of TV comedy "Frasier" may reunite onstage


NEW YORK (Reuters) - The cast of the long-running hit television comedy "Frasier" could reunite, but on the stage rather than the small screen, David Hyde Pierce, an actor who starred in the show, said.
Pierce, who is starring in a new Broadway musical "Curtains," told Reuters late on Thursday he had met other members of the cast recently while they were in New York. They included Kelsey Grammer, who played psychiatrist Dr. Frasier Crane, and John Mahoney, who played his father, retired policeman Martin Crane.
"Absolutely, we talked about it," the 47-year-old actor said in an interview. "We got together and had breakfast and all we talked about is what plays we might do together."
Mahoney has returned to Broadway after a 20-year absence to appear in the play "Prelude to a Kiss" and Grammer recently starred in a concert version of "My Fair Lady" staged by the New York Philharmonic.
Pierce, who played Frasier's brother Niles, said any reunion would likely be a play rather than a musical.
"We were only talking about plays because we are all getting on in years and there is only so much dancing you can do."
The Emmy Award-winning show, which ran from 1993 to 2005, was shown in countries around the world and continues to appear in syndication.
 
#27
(Roz's friend at the retirement home died suddenly)
Roz: It just seems so unfair.
(Niles enters)
Roz: One minute he's lying in the bed, smiling and happy, ten seconds later it's over.
Niles: For heaven's sake, it happens to every man a couple of times in his life. Why can't you women take it as a compliment?



Bulldog: Hey, look, I know how tough it is when you're a kid and you find out you're dad's not as great as you thought. Look, I was about Frederick's age when, well, I came home, my mom was out and I caught my dad with another woman.
Frasier: Oh, Bulldog, I'm sorry.
Bulldog: No, no, wait, you haven't heard the bad part yet! She was ugly, doc. I mean coyote ugly. My own dad. And the best excuse he could come up with was, "Hey, you don't look at the mantle when you're poking the fire!"
(pause)
Bulldog: Hey, I just got that!
Bulldog: (laughs)



Frasier: (on the phone with his son) Now calm down son, listen to daddy. It's just a bad dream. I promise you, Senator Thurmond is not in your closet. That's a good boy. Yes, okay you go back to bed now.



Frasier: Hello, Ethan. I'm listening.
Ethan: Hi, Dr. Crane.
Frasier: How old are you?
Ethan: I'm thirteen.
Frasier: Well, what can I do for you?
Ethan: Well, I'm having a lot of problems with the other kids at school. They're always beating me up.
Frasier: Why do you think that's so?
Ethan: Probably because I'm smart. I have a 160 IQ. I'm in the astronomy club and I hate sports.
Frasier: Well, you know, Ethan, the other children are just acting out of jealousy and immaturity, and I know it doesn't help much right now, but the day will come in the next few years when you will have the last laugh.
Ethan: ...That's it?
Frasier: (surprised) Yes.
Ethan: Frankly, Dr. Crane, I find that advice patronizing, simplistic and, in all candor, uninspired. The real surprise here is that they pay you to dole out this balloon juice.
Frasier: Ethan, where are you calling from?
Ethan: Home.
Frasier: Well, if any of Ethan's classmates are listening, you know where he is, and he can't stay in there forever. Thank you for your call.


(Looking through a box of keepsakes from Niles' childhood)
Martin: Oh, no one around here draws pictures anymore.
(Looks closely)
Martin: What the heck is this, anyway?
Niles: Oh, that is an Egyptian battle scene from AÔda. Look, that's Radames, and that's the jealous Amneris, and -
(laughs)
Niles: Oh, I misspelled Amonasro. Ah, to be six again...





(Frasier is trying to get Bebe to quit smoking)
Frasier: For God's sake... I don't care anymore. You know, I can't help you, nobody can. You want to ruin it for both of us? Here...
(tosses her a lighter)
Frasier: ... go ahead, knock yourself out.
(Bebe begins to light cigarette)
Frasier: I only wish I could be there when it happens.
Bebe: When what happens?
Frasier: When you see that newspaper headline: "Big Willy Boone, Millionaire, Dead." Oh, how I wish I could be there when you watch the funeral on the news. Watch the casket being slipped into the ground. Only, you won't be watching that. No, no, you'll be watching... the widow Boone. Tiffany, perhaps. Oh no, better yet, "Kelli" - with an "I"!
Bebe: (tortured) Stop it!
Frasier: You'll picture her wearing YOUR jewels, sailing in YOUR yachts, sleeping with YOUR gigolos - but, oh, you won't be sad, no, no, no!
(chuckles)
Frasier: Because you'll have your cigarette.
(Bebe stares at her cigarette with fear)
Frasier: Yeah! Clutched in your nicotine-stained teeth, smoke whirling about your once-pretty, now creased, leathery, smoke-ravaged...
Bebe: (anguished) Enough!
(Bebe hands the cigarettes to a triumphant Frasier)
Bebe: God! You are one hell of a therapist!



(on Frasier and Niles)
Martin: Oh, they've always tried to one-up each other.
Daphne: I suppose all brothers are like that. Mine certainly were. Everything was a contest! Who could the run the fastest, jump the highest. They even had this strange one where they'd take little brother Michael, put him in a potato sack and see who could roll him the farthest over the frozen lake out back. They loved that game! Until that year the spring thaw set in early and poor Michael went right through the ice. Ooh, they caught hell for that one, they did. Caught it worse a week later when Michael's toe finally fell off. Michael cried and cried until they told him to put it under his pillow for the toe fairy! And then when he got five quid for it, why it was all they could do to stop him from sawing off the rest of them!
(laughs)



(correcting a continuity error from Cheers)
Martin: (about Frasier) Hey, Sam, what'd he tell you about me, the father, the old cop?
Sam Malone: Well, uh, he told me you were dead.
Martin: (surprised) Dead?
Frasier: Well, we had an argument one day. He called me a stuffed shirt and hung up on me. I was mad.
Sam Malone: (to Martin) You were a cop?
(to Frasier)
Sam Malone: You told me he was a research scientist.
(Martin reacts)
Frasier: (to Martin) You were dead! What did it matter?
 
#29
I love that show. Especially Niles and the physical comedy.

"I wonder just how much firepower is required to embed a cherry into an acoustic ceiling tile?"

Daphne: Watching the fire sputter in the fireplace "Doctor Crane! We're losing the fire!"
Niles ( not paying attention) " No we're not! It's burning with the intensity of a thousand suns!"
 
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