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  1. I know it's not on anymore, but I love watching reruns. It was a successful spinoff of another successful show. (Frasier was on Cheers first before he had his own show.)

    It was smart but not TOO smart.

    (Although sometimes I feel like I should be drinking Port while I watch this.)

    You have Frasier and Niles and then you have Roz, Daphne and Martin. And I loved it when they taught Frasier and Niles that life is not just about operas and wine tastings. Sometimes it was about beer and steakhouses.

    I love Niles. He was always my favorite, and I loved the fact that Niles and Daphne ended up getting married and having a child.
  2. I love Frasier!! I honestly only got into it when I lived in the UK and as an American I craved American humor. Now I love it.(Im back states side now!) SO I have a little Lifetime routine I follow and that is Will and Grace (that I never got into) and then after tivo guilty pleasures!!

  3. Frasier : The whole idea of getting someone in here was to help ease my burden, not to add to it.
    Martin : Did you hear that, Eddie? We're a burden.
    Frasier : Dad, you're twisting my words around. I meant burden in its most positive sense.
    Martin : As in "Gee, what a lovely burden"?
    Frasier : Well, something like that, yes.
    Martin : Well, you're not the only one who got screwed here too you know. Two years ago I'm sailing toward retirement and some punk robbing a convenience store puts a bullet in my hip. Next thing you know, I'm trading in my golf clubs for one of these. (holds up his cane) Well, I had plans too and this may come as a shock to you, Sonny Boy, but one of them wasn't living with you!

    Roz : Ever heard of Lupe Velez?
    Frasier : Who?
    Roz : Lupe Velez, the movie star in the '30s. Well, her career hit the skids, so she decided she'd make one final stab at immortality. She figured if she couldn't be remembered for her movies, she'd be remembered for the way she died. And all Lupe wanted was to be remembered. So, she plans this lavish suicide - flowers, candles, silk sheets, white satin gown, full hair and makeup, the works. She takes the overdose of pills, lays on the bed, and imagines how beautiful she's going to look on the front page of tomorrow's newspaper. Unfortunately, the pills don't sit well with the enchilada combo plate she sadly chose as her last meal. She stumbles to the bathroom, trips and goes head-first into the toilet, and that's how they found her.
    Frasier : Is there a reason you're telling me this story?
    Roz : Yes. Even though things may not happen like we planned, they can work out anyway.
    Frasier: Remind me again how it worked for Lupe, last seen with her head in the toilet?
    Roz : All she wanted was to be remembered. Will you ever forget that story?

    Niles: One of my patients had a rather amusing Freudian slip today. He meant to say, "Pass the salt," but instead he said, "You've ruined my life, you blood-sucking shrew."

    Niles : As long as your conscience is clear. I'm not sure mine would be.
    Frasier : Well frankly I don't care about your concience. And I don't need your approval, and I don't need you to like it, in fact I don't need you for anything. Oh by the way Niles, my car is in the shop, I need you to give me a ride home tonight.
    Niles : No problem.

    Niles : I really have to go. I'm conducting a seminar on multiple personality disorders, and it takes me forever to fill out the name tags.

    (Niles watches Martin working out a chess problem)
    Niles : Uh-uh.
    [Martin reaches for another piece]
    Niles : Mmm-mmm.
    Martin : All right, what would you do?
    Niles : Well, for starters, I'd take that corn-nut off the board.
    Martin : That corn-nut's my bishop. Eddie ate the real one.
    Niles : In that case, Corn-nut to Rook Seven.
  4. Frasier: (Annoyed) Roz, what exactly does "call screening" mean?
    Roz: (Grinning) It means I get to put on the air the calls I want to hear!

    Frasier: Well, Seattle, we have a celebrity of sorts on the line. This is my ex-wife, Lilith.
    Lilith: (Perplexed) What do you mean, "celebrity"?
    Frasier: (Darkly) Oh, they know you.

    Niles: Double Cappuccino, half-caf, non-fat milk, with just enough foam to be aesthetically pleasing but not so much that it leaves a moustache.
    Eric: Cinnamon or chocolate on that?
    Niles: Oh, they make this so complicated.

    Niles: Love is a funny thing, isn't it? Sometimes it's exciting and passionate, sometimes it's...something else. Something comfortable and familiar. That newly exfoliated little face staring up at you across the breakfast table, sharing a laugh together when you see someone wearing white after Labor Day.

    (Martin tries the Shiatsu option on the new recliner.)
    Martin: That's disgusting!

    Daphne: Oh I need a cup of tea.
    Frasier: Tea?! Why don't you just wave a crumpet in the air and start singing "God Save the Queen"?

    Niles: My research is widely acclaimed in academic circles. Three of my patients have run for political office, but it's your big fat face they put on the sides of buses!
    Frasier: I do not have a fat face!
    Niles: Oh, please. I keep wondering how long you are going to store those nuts for winter.
  5. Oh well, I do not know enough to follow one liners or script..I just grew to love the show!!
  6. I love the writing on this show, and I thought I'd share my favorite lines.
  7. This show was hilarious! I still watch it whenever I can, but some people don't appreciate it because it's on basic tv... like my dad who saw what i was watching and said "Oh I used to watch this all the time! but that was when I didn't have cable, so change the damn channel!"
  8. Fraser was such a hilarious show, I just watched a rerun.
  9. Frasier : Yes well, I know how bleak these times can be. But believe me, they will come to an end sooner or later. I remember a time back in Boston when I was going through exactly what you're going through now. Just a week later I met a lovely barmaid – sophisticated, if a bit loquacious. We fell madly in love, we got engaged... [realizes] Of course, she left me standing at the altar. But the point is, I didn't give up. I took my poor, battered heart and offered it to Lilith... (thinks, as Daphne lights a cigarette) Who put it in her little Cuisinart and hit the purée button! But, I rebounded! And look how far I've come... I'm divorced, lonely, and living with my father.

    Frasier : What on earth could have made him think I was interested in him? All I did was ask him if he was attached, and then we talked about the theatre and men's fashions.…Oh, my God!

    Daphne : Do you have any idea how uncomfortable a strapless bra is?
    Frasier : Well, actually, thanks to my fraternity days...yes, ...yes I do.

    (Eddie is tearing apart Niles' flour baby)
    Daphne : (to Niles) That dingo's got your baby!

    Roz: I'd like to meet the idiot that came up with these. Take a grape, let it shrivel into a disgusting little wart and cover it with perfectly good chocolate. What the hell. I'll just suck the chocolate off.
    Frasier: Be sure to save what's left. Maybe you can make some wine.

    Frasier : (To Roz, referring to Madeleine Marshall with whom he is smitten) You know, I haven't said this out loud, but... here goes. It's possible that she could be the woman I spend the rest of my life with.

    Roz : Go. Go do that. Get married, have a couple of kids, move to the country -- buy a puppy! Live happily ever after. (Desperately) Just don't tell me about it -- I need a boyfriend!
    Frasier : Dear Roz. Dear silly Roz. Dear silly, horny Roz.

    Niles: If you ask me, Frasier, your trepidation is well-founded. It is possible to move a relationship along too fast, and ultimately marry too hastily. You could find, a few years down the line, that the person isn't really right for you, and then what happens if you meet the right person--someone who really excites you and makes you feel alive--but you can't act upon it because you're trapped in a stale, albeit comfortable Maris!...marriage. I have to go now.

    Niles : I was severely! scarred by those experiences!
    Danny : Hey, wait a minute. I can't defend everything I did back in junior high. I mean who can? But let's face it: when you show up at school wearing a tweed blazer with elbow patches, and carrying a valise. I mean...I think the guilt here is 50-50.
  10. Niles: Look at him. Do you see the sparkle in his eye? Oh Frasier, he's like a little kid at Christmas.
    Martin:Oh geez. What happened to my entry-wound close-ups?
    Frasier:(singing to the tune of 'Deck the Halls') Fa lalalala, lala, la, la.

    Daphne:You know, there's nothing we Brits like better than a grisly murder and a nice hot cup of tea.

    Roz: You just tell her you know she's been mattress-surfing with some other guy, and if she doesn't knock it off, you'll tell her husband.
    Frasier: It's-it's not that easy, you don't know this woman! She doesn't deal with confrontation very well. I once questioned the political correctness of her serving veal. An hour later, we found her locked in the garage with the engine running on her golf cart!
    Roz: (wide-eyed) Whoa, it's MARIS.

    (Bebe and Frasier have slept together.)
    Frasier: All right, just go ahead. Get your shots in.
    Niles: No, no. I'm just glad you're all right. I would have assumed she killed after mating

    Bebe: Niles, thank God you're here. Back me up. Give him some sound, brotherly advice.
    Niles: She's the Devil, Frasier. Run fast, run far

    Frasier: Niles, how are those eels coming?
    Niles: I'm just trimming them now. (hacks at the water with a cleaver)
    Frasier: Oh no, Niles! Take them out of the tank!
    Niles: Not until I'm sure they're dead! (keeps hacking)
    Daphne: Oh, for heaven's sakes! (Grabs an eel and smashes it against the cook's table)

    Frasier: It's our chef's specialty. The man can do things with eels you just wouldn't believe!
    Martin: I arrested a guy for that once.

    Frasier: Thank you, Roz. Niles, tonight let's go to Orsini's for one glorious farewell dinner.
    Niles: Why not? I'll make the reservations. We'll take Dad and Daphne.
    Frasier: Great. Will Maris be joining us?
    Niles: Ohhh...sadly, no. She had a bad experience there one Christmas Eve. An Italian soccer team was sitting at the next table, Maris announced she was in the mood for a goose, and--perhaps inevitably--tragedy ensued.

    Frasier: This is Dr. Frasier Crane--KACL. All talk! All night! All naked!
  11. Caller/Mark: Uh hey Dr. Crane. It's Mark.
    Frasier: Hello Mark, I'm listening.
    Mark: Okay, well, I work at this all night mini-mart and um I've been watching myself on the video camera. And the camera me is doing things I don't approve of.

    Frasier: I don't need your group, I've got a group of my own, half a million strong.
    Niles: Oh, yes, your legions! Why don't you rent a farm, pass out the body paint and call it "Frasierstock"?

    Kate: (talking to Frasier) You told half of Seattle that you are full to the brim with girlish glee.

    (Frasier comes from his bathroom, bits of tissue stuck all over his face)
    Martin : Geez! I thought you were just gonna slit your wrists. Looks like you went for death by a thousand cuts.
    Frasier : (with slowly building anger) I cut myself because I was shaving without water. And why was there no water? Because I had to move your chair -- which gouged the floor which made me call for Joe who found bad pipes which called for Cecil who ate the cat that killed the rat that lived in the house that Frasier built!

    Niles: (on why he doesn't like horse tracks) It's the jockeys, if you must know. Diminuitive, underweight figures in expensive silks wielding riding crops just remind me too much of Maris.

    Niles : I've taken Maris to hundreds of these events and she has not once wanted to dance. Of course, Maris hates public displays of rhythm.

    Niles: You just don't want me to have sex because you're not having any.
    Frasier: I most certainly am too. (wags his finger in Niles' face then he grabs it)
    Niles: Your lips say yes but your cuticles speak volumes.

    Niles: You don't realize how desperate I am. Ever since our seperation, I've been paying women to touch me.
    Frasier: Oh Niles. (he feels sad for him)
    Niles: Manicurists, pedicurists, facialists. Whenever you see a man who's well groomed, you can bet he's not gettin' any.

    (Niles is horny.)
    Niles: I need something to take my mind off the fact that at this very moment, Maris is slipping out of her frilly under-things and into a non-fat milk bath.

    Niles: I don't care! Niles gotta have it!

    (Martin talks about his harrowing plane trip.)
    Martin: Our landing gear's out, we're gonna have to do an emergency belly landing in six feet of foam! So, five hellish minutes later, we're bouncing across the runway. Then the stewardess comes out and says we're gonna have to go down the emergency slide. So down I go, headfirst into this sea of foam. Last thing I remember, this fat lady from across the aisle comes barreling down the chute after me like a polyester avalanche!
    Frasier: My God, Dad, I am so sorry.
    Niles: (horny) So, so, these stewardesses, were they also covered with foam?
  12. Bebe: After dinner is the time I need a cigarette most; as long as I don't stop eating I'll be fine.
    Daphne: Well, I smoked for years and I never became addicted. To this day I can buy a pack, have a cig or two, toss them in a drawer, and not crave another for months.
    Bebe: There's a word for people who can do that. What is it? Oh, yes: *****.
    Niles: There's no need to be insulting just because your wrestling with an unhealthy and disgusting habit.
    Bebe: It isn't disgusting. It's wonderful!
    Frasier: All right. Now Bebe, tell me, what is so wonderful about smoking?
    Bebe: Everything. I like the way a fresh, firm pack feels in my hand. I like peeling away that little piece of cellophane and seeing it twinkle in the light. I like coasting that first, sweet cylinder out of it's hiding place and bringing it slowly to my lips. Striking a match. Watching it burst into a perfect, little flame and knowing that soon that flame will be inside me. I love the first puff, pulling it into my lungs. Little fingers of smoke filling me, caressing me, feeling that warmth penetrate deeper and deeper until I think I'm going to burst then WHOOSH! Watching it flow out of me in a lovely sinuous cloud; no two ever quite the same.
    (Long silence)
    Daphne: More potatoes anyone?
    (Everyone reaches for food.)

    Frasier: (To Niles) You know, I'd forgotten what a weird little person you are.

    Clive : Daphne, I noticed in the phonebook you're still listed as Moon.
    Niles : Ah, that must be an old book. Now she hyphenates. Its Moon-Crane.
    Martin : (pretending to be an astronaut) I remember the first time I ever drove a moon-crane. (shaking his head) Damn near rolled it into the sea of tranquility.

    Frasier : (filling in for Bulldog) Hello, You're on the air.
    Caller: Yeah, you think it was a good idea for the Sonics to give up those draft choices so they could free up some money under the cap? You know, to go after a wide body to help them in the paint?
    Frasier : (thinking for a while) Yes! (then cuts off the caller)

    Frasier : Eh, Ok, sports enthusiasts. This is Dr. Frasier Crane filling in for Bob 'Bulldog' Briscoe. (bashes bulldog's gong. It topples) You're on the air!
    Caller : This is Mike. I wanted to talk to Bulldog, but you'll do. So, what's your take on the damn Yankees this season?
    Frasier : (pauses to think) Are you speaking of the, the frothy musical adaptation of the Faustian myth or, or the baseball team of which I know nothing?
    Mike : What a weenie. (Hangs up)

    Niles: I had an abysmal day. Remember the ad I placed?
    Frasier: Oh yes - 'Dr. Niles Crane, Jung specialist', blah, blah, blah...
    Niles: Yes. Well, they've made a tiny little typo. See if you can find it.
    Frasier: (reading)'Dr. Niles Crane... Hung specialist'... Oh, my!
    Niles: The rest they got perfectly. (continues reading) 'Servicing individuals, couples, groups. Satisfaction guaranteed... Tell me where it hurts!'
    Frasier: Well... any calls?
    Niles: It's a telethon, Frasier.

    Martin : (to homeless man) Not You. We're talking about Muckabies.
    Homeless Man : Oh. Great Shoes. They used to sell them here.
    Martin : What happened to the store?
    Homeless Man : Moved.
    Daphne : Do you know where?
    Homeless Man : Yeah, it'll cost you.
    Martin : How Much?
    Homeless Man : No, not money! I want a kiss.
    Daphne : What!
    Martin : You heard him.
    Daphne : Mr. Crane
    Martin : You burnt them, you owe me. It's only a kiss
    Homeless Man : Not her! (begins smiling and raising his eyebrows at Martin)
    (Martin shuffles behind Daphne, with a bewildered look on his face)

    Frasier : (speaking about his dream) It's a bit hazy, but it starts out in a seedy motel room. I'm naked.
    Niles : Interesting.
    Frasier : Yes, well, I roll over and discover on my, my forearm a, a tattoo with the word 'chesty'
    Niles : Interesting.
    Frasier : Yes, and eh, and then the shower turns off. Out from the bathroom steps... a man.
    (Niles looks at Frasier with a hint of intrigue on his face)
    Frasier : All right, go ahead, Let me have it!
    Niles : Are you saying that now, or is that a quote from the dream?
    (Frasier's expression turns to one of 'I am not amused')

    Frasier : You wouldn't take me to see West Side Story.
    Martin : That's because it's about gangs, gangs are scary to kids.
    Frasier : Gang's that dance?
    Martin : ESPECIALLY gangs that dance!

    Niles : I can't just walk up to a guy like that.
    Roz : Well, then find a subtler way.
    Niles : In your vernacular that would be what? To slingshot your panties across the street?

    Niles : Oh my God. It is T.H. Houghton. We're a stone's throw away from one of the giants of American literature.
    Roz : Not the way you throw.

    Niles : Does one still wear a white sweater jauntily tied around the neck to these things?
    Roz : If one wants to get the crap beat out of one.
  13. Lilith : Frasier, if you overanalyze every detail, you will rob us of the joy of the moment. It'll be our wedding night all over again.

    Niles: I'm reminded of Maris brief flirtation with active wear, when I assured her, 'You look fine, dear; spandex is supposed to blouse!'

    Martin : Well you haven't exactly been burning it up in the romance department either
    Daphne : What do you know about my love life?
    (Niles presses play on the tape recorder of Roz' mock show)
    Daphne : on recorder I was lying in bed wearing a whipped-cream teddy.

    Roz : (discussing Frasier's agent Bebe Glazer) I've never had an agent. It's not like she worships the devil...
    Frasier : (excitedly) Well she doesn't have to. He worships her!

    (Niles has had enough of Frasier's direction.)
    Niles: (angry) That's it! I'm just going to take this gun off the table. (takes balloons and bursts one) Sorry about that, O'Toole, I guess we'll never hear your fascinating piece of the puzzle. (two shots) Or yours, Kragen and Pépo! Could the McAllister sisters stand back to back, I'm short on bullets! (shot) Thank you! What was your name again, dear?
    Roz: Miphif Thorndike.
    Niles: Thank you. (shot) Ah, and also Mr. Wing. (shot, with bell fading) And of course, one final bullet for myself so the mystery will die with me. (shot) Ah...
    (The cast walks away from Frasier, backs turned to him.)
    Frasier: (unsteady) Well then, that pretty much wrapped things up! Hans was a mass murderer, who to the surprise of everyone, the case was closed. And with a grateful shudder, I swore I never would return to Nightmare Inn.

    Niles : I met someone once flying home from college. I got bumped into first class, found myself sitting next to a positively ravishing woman. She was a bit older and I was trying desperately to be suave, so when she leaned over and suggested we join the mile high club, rather that admit I was unfamiliar with the term, I whispered back, "I really don't travel enough to make that worthwhile". pauses God that was 20 years ago. chuckles No. Still can't laugh about it.

    Niles : I was her first bad boy.
    Frasier : Uh-huh. Yes, I remember the way you used to carry your inhaler around rolled up in the sleeve of your t-shirt.

    Frasier : Daphne, you may answer the door.
    Daphne : sarcastically Well, thank you. Why don't I get a feather duster and a French maid's uniform?
    Niles : That would teach them, wouldn't it Daphne, and I would pick it out for you.
    (Frasier smacks Niles on the back)

    (Bulldog and Frasier are in a line at Cafe Nervosa)
    Frasier : What's going on anyway? My God, I've got an appointment in 20 minutes.
    Bulldog : Ah, some weenie made a big stink so they got to clean the milk steamer every time they use it.
    Frasier : Oh.
    Bulldog : It was you, wasn't it?
    Frasier : Well if requesting basic sanitary procedures makes me a weenie, then a weenie be I.

    Daphne : There's lots of things a person can do to make himself look younger. How he dresses...
    Martin : interrupting Hah. I tried those Jordache jeans. I just think you ought to leave something to the imagination.
    Daphne : Well, there's always your hair. I know it's not exactly your style, but there's nothing wrong with covering up that grey. I know just the right shade for you. Cinnamon sable.
    Martin : Cinnamon sable? Sounds nice. Oh, wait, I couldn't use that. That's Duke's shade. He'd scratch my eyes out.
  14. Niles: Please, you call that a tantrum? Maris used to do that once a week. The poor thing needed help slamming the door!

    (A waitress walks up behind Frasier)
    Frasier: It's a mean-spirited thought! Marie is not using me. She
    would want me just as much even if I weren't a psychiatrist.
    You know, you're jealous! You're jealous that I'm having sex!
    Jealous that I'm having hot, passionate, sweaty jungle sex!
    What are you having?!
    Niles: (to the stunned waitress) I'm having a latte.

    Martin: I'll bet it is Maris! You said yourself you saw that watch
    on your honeymoon.
    Niles: Oh, that's absurd. Dad, we're in the process of finalizing
    our divorce.
    Martin: [to the waitress] Excuse me, miss? Do you remember the woman
    who brought this box in?
    Waitress: Yeah, she was very well dressed and really, really thin.
    (Martin looks smug)
    Niles: That could be a lot of people.
    Waitress: Yeah, she just dropped off the gift then ordered a whole-
    milk mocha with whipped cream and chocolate shavings.
    Niles: (laughing with relief) Oh, thank God. That's not her.
    Waitress: Yeah it was really weird, though. She just took a long
    whiff of it and then just handed it back.

    Niles: [rapidly] Life with Maris wasn't so bad. It was my fault,
    after all! I was too rigid, I was always making demands!
    Frasier: No, Niles!
    Niles: "Eat something! Unlock this door! Don't throw that!"
    Martin: Niles, give me that phone.
    Niles: No!
    Martin: You don't know what you're doing!
    Niles: Yes I do.
    Martin: Just drop it and kick it over here!
    Niles: I won't! I'm dialing, I'm pressing Send, it's ringing. (into
    phone) Maris! I'm calling... I'm calling...
    (Martin and Frasier look on, helpless.)

    Daphne: (straightens up) Where's my jar of Bovril?
    Niles: (snapping back) No, I wasn't! (realizing) Oh, the meat paste!
    Well, I threw it out, it smelled rancid.
    Daphne: Well, that's how it's supposed to smell - it's English!

    Martin: Niles, are you there?
    Niles: (into intercom) Yes, Dad. (to Frasier) You can't blame me
    for the housing market - this is a simple apartment!
    Martin: I'm in some room with a lot of books but it doesn't have a
    Niles: Oh, that's the library, not the study - go down the hall,
    make a left.
    Frasier: Well, this simple apartment of yours is going to bankrupt
    you! You must admit it's a bit large for one person.
    Niles: Oh, don't forget I have a pet.
    Frasier: Are you saying that your BIRD requires both a study and a
    Niles: All right, I will return the Noel Coward pen, but this is my
    home. This is a basic necessity.
    Martin: (on intercom) OK, I've found the aspirin but I'm lost again.
    I'm in a blue room with big rolls of paper.
    Niles: That's the gift wrapping room. Look for the stairs.
    Martin: The only stairs I can find go up!
    Frasier: You have a THIRD floor?
    Niles: It's practically a crawl space. (into intercom) Go out the
    door to the left.

    Frasier: Niles, there's been a little misunderstanding. Perhaps
    it's time you explained to everyone about the dead seal.
    Niles: (laughing) Dead seal? At my Golden Apron dinner? That's
    enough bubbly for you!
    Frasier: Niles, they think you murdered Maris!
    Gretchen: I saw him stabbing her!
    Niles: Oh, I see what's happened! Oh, this is funny! Oh, you
    are all going to laugh when you hear this. I was simply
    stabbing a seal.
    Claudia: You killed a seal?
    Niles: Oh, no, no, I didn't kill it, it was already dead when we
    found it.
    McLean: You found a dead seal?
    Frasier: Yes.
    McLean: And it was wearing a peignoir?
    Frasier: Now that is ludicrous. We put the pegnoir on it.
    McLean: And the perfume too?
    Frasier: Yes, of course.
    McLean: So you found a dead seal, dressed it in a peignoir, doused
    it in perfume, and stabbed it?
    Niles: I told you you'd laugh.
    (The other policeman comes in with the torn, bloody peignoir.)
    Athanis: I found this washed up on the beach.
    Niles: Well there, if that doesn't prove my innocence, I don't
    know what does.

    Niles: Maris had it made after she lost power in a storm. Battery
    operated, works on a clapper (claps it of) so you can find
    it in the dark. (claps it on) Only problem was, the poor
    thing, try as she might, she could never clap hard enough to
    activate it.

    Niles: She's calling me wasteful?! Do you recall what she used to do when one of our dogs needed a shampoo?
    Frasier: Yes, she'd fill the bath tub with Evian!
    Niles: Half the time she'd just get a new dog!

    Niles: Oh Roz, perfect timing.
    Roz: What's up?
    Niles: We're having a dinner party and we need an interesting single
    woman. (she smiles) Do you know anybody? We're desperate!
    Roz: (angrily she enters the kitchen) Excuse me!
    Frasier: Naturally we thought of you first, Roz, but this isn't really
    your kind of crowd.
    Roz: What? Sophisticated, cultured, is that why you don't think
    I'd fit in with your snooty elitist friends, I'm not genteel
    Frasier: Now Roz...
    Roz: Now Roz, my ass. I'm just as refined as you are. Shut up,

    Frasier: You know Niles, I think I'm going to have a dinner party.
    Care to comment?
    Niles: I love the idea, what's the occasion?
    Frasier: I got the idea last night when we bumped into Jean and
    Hollis Ashley at the symphony, I've always wanted to get
    to know them better.
    Niles: Me too, they're such a charming couple: they remind me of
    Maris and me when we were happy. (pours himself a drink)
    Frasier: (doorbell) Really? I must have been sick that day!
  15. Frasier: Nothing says party like a tracheotomy.

    (The doorbell sounds and Frasier goes to answer it).
    Frasier : That'll be Donny.
    Martin : What do you think about all this vision stuff?
    Frasier : Obviously there's some psychological reason that she's having second thoughts. It's got nothing to do with an - an apparition in a red bow tie.
    (Frasier answers the door to a grinning Niles who has donned a bright red bow tie)
    Frasier : (appalled) Niles, you jackass, will you take that thing off!

    Frasier : (on the phone, leaving a message) Hi, honey, it's Frasier. Listen, I just read a marvelous review of this charming boite out in Freemont and I thought to myself, "that is a place that Cassandra would just love," so-
    Roz : (whispering urgently) Frasier!
    Frasier : (aside to Roz) Not now, Roz, please.
    Roz : You just called her Cassandra!
    Frasier : (realizing she's right) Oh, dear God, I'm- (on the phone) My producer Roz informs me that I just called you Cassandra, I'm sorry, I don't know why I keep doing this. I know that you're Faye. Fabulous Faye! Forever Faye! Call me, Faye. (hanging up, to Roz) It is one syllable - what the hell is wrong with me?
    (Roz starts laughing)
    Frasier : Well, I'm glad to see that you think it's funny.
    Roz : No, I don't, I just... I'm having a flashback to my summer of Ted, Todd, and Tad.

    (At Granville's singles bar)
    Niles : Well, here we are again - losers in love.
    Frasier : Yeahh. I don't know what's wrong with me. I seem incapable of maintaining a relationship. I date a nice girl like Faye, things seem to be working out. (guilty) And I seem to find a way to blow it. It seems to be the pattern of my life. Well, except with Lilith she was just nuts.

    Roz: Tell me something. Do I have the word "loser" tattooed across my forehead?
    Frasier: No Roz. But there is a rumor about a Tweety Bird on your upper thigh.

    Niles: (On Yoshi) He had a heart attack when he was out trimming Maris' elaborate hedge maze. The paramedics never had a chance.

    Niles: Every restaurant in town's been booked for weeks. I ran into Archie Wilfong today. He told me he had to settle for two seats at the counter at 'The Salad Experience!' What would you suggest I do?
    Frasier: (Angry) Bring your own wine and order the Spicy Caesar!
    Niles: (Stalks to the door) May your opera box be full of cellophane crinklers and the stage swarming with standbys!

    Since accidentally injuring Daphne, Niles has been filling in for her, taking care of both her and Martin. Martin has been manipulating Niles for extra attention)
    Daphne: (To Martin) Shame on you taking advantage of your son - I don't know how you sleep at night.
    Martin: Well, pretty good since he started putting a mint on my pillow and a cup of cocoa by the bed.
    Daphne: He never leaves me cocoa.
    Martin: (Drawing a square in the air with his finger) You have to fill out that little card.

    (Niles is berating Frasier for agreeing to appear on a mindless morning talk show)
    Niles : You have been an applause junkie ever since you first set foot on a grammar school stage.
    Frasier : (enraged) I was drawn to the theater because of it's discipline and collaborative spirit!
    Niles : Oh, please. In your sixth-grade production of Oklahoma you took so many curtain calls, Mrs. Van Raaphorst had to lasso you and pull you from the stage.
    Frasier : That woman never understood me or the roll of farmer number three!