Favorite SNL Sketches of All Time

caitlin1214

caitlin1214

tPF Bish
O.G.
Jul 7, 2006
29,110
780
#1
I love Celebrity Jeopardy:

Burt Reynolds: Hey. Hey, ah.. check out the podium. Look at this.
Alex Trebek: Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson.
Burt Reynolds: Yeah, that's right. Turd Ferguson. It's a funny name.




Sean Connery: Uh.. I'll take "Swords" for $400.
Alex Trebek: It's actually not "Swords".. these are words that begin with "S".



Sean Connery: It looks like this is my lucky day! I'll take "The Rapists" for $200.
Alex Trebek: That's "Therapists." That's "Therapists," not "The Rapists."



Alex Trebek: Good for you. Well, as always, three perfectly good charities have been deprived of money, here on "Celebrity Jeopardy". I'm Alex Trebek, and the three of you should be ashamed of yourselves! Good night!



Alex Trebek: And our final contestant on Celebrity Rock and Roll Jeopardy... Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: We meet again, you loggerheaded tickle brain poppycock! I cut an album of filthy limericks just so I'd be eligible: "There once was a man named Trebick, who had the most tiniest..."
Alex Trebek: Enough. Let's just get this over with.



Sean Connery: That's a nice jacket you're wearing, Trebek.
Alex Trebek: Why, thank you.
Sean Connery: Is that wool? Must have been expensive.
Alex Trebek: No, actually, it was quite reasonable.
Sean Connery: Really? Where did you get it?
Alex Trebek: At a place called Stern's, down on 14th.
Sean Connery: Stern's? I'll have to check it out.
Alex Trebek: Well, you should. Ask for Gary. Tell him that I sent you.
Sean Connery: I'll do that. That sure is a nice jacket. Just one more question...
Alex Trebek: What is it, Sean?
Sean Connery: Do they make them for men?



Alex Trebek: "Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel".
Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled your mother. [starts laughing]



Sean Connery: I'll take "I Have a Hard-on" for $600.
[close-up to board, the category "I Have a Chardonnay" is edited to read "I Have a Hardon".]
Alex Trebek: I don't believe this. Where did you get that magic marker? We frisked you in on the way in here.
Sean Connery: I didn't have it in my pocket.
Alex Trebek: That's disgusting. Please.
Sean Connery: I bet if you frisked me, you would have found it.
Alex Trebek: All right, that's enough.



Alex Trebek: Mr. Keaton. [Keaton just does facial expressions.] Mr. Keaton. [The buzzer sounds.] I.. I don't think we can accept facial expressions as an answer. Mr. Reynolds, it's your board, pick a category.



Michael Keaton: All right, um, Number. See, because sometimes it helps to understand a word if we break it down. Let's do that now, shall we? Numb, see, if you're numb, you can't feel. [pauses for a second] See, yeah if you're numb you can't feel. And then Ber..
Alex Trebek: Numbers for $800. And the answer is: This number comes between five and seven. [Keaton buzzes in.] Mr. Keaton.
Michael Keaton: ..See and then Ber, if you're, you know if you're cold, that's the sound that you would make. I guess I, I guess my answer will be uh, somebody who can't feel that they're, uh, that they're cold.
Alex Trebek: No.
Michael Keaton: What is somebody who can't feel when they're cold?
Alex Trebek: No, no Mr. Keaton, I know what you're trying to do. Just stop.



Alex Trebek: And finally, Tom Cruise has an incredible negative $12,000. A negative $12,000 having incorrectly answered a number of first round questions more than once.
Tom Cruise: I'm feeling great, Alex. Who is this guy? [points to Adam Sandler] I love this guy. This guy's great here, with the crazy sounds. He's wonderful. And it's really an honor to be working with Sean Connery.



Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery, go ahead.
Sean Connery: The day is mine! I'll take Famous Titties for 400.
Alex Trebek: Titles, Famous Titles.
Sean Connery: Damn!




Alex Trebek: Moving on. All right, Adam Sandler, you wrote down: "Abbie Doobie."
Adam Sandler: Abbie Doobie...[Gibberish]
Alex Trebek: I feel like I want to punch you. Mr. Connery, where are you right now? You wrote: Good, Lord, you wrote "indoors" that's phenomenal. Are we recording this? Ok, let's look at your wager. "I heart boobs." That's beautiful. That's it for Celebrity Jeopardy. I'm going home and putting a gun in my mouth. Good day.
 
#2
I love Maya Rudolph as Donatella Versace:
Donatella Versace: I know what you're thinking. Designer egg nog, who wants that? You do smartass! My egg nog is just like crappy old egg nog, except I infused it with a hint of nicotine, and a little bit of self-tanner. Cheers. (Takes a sip of egg nog from glass, and spits it out) Oh wait, I forgot. I don't swallow food! Well here's someone else you can trust when it comes to egg nog, BOY GEORGEEEEEEEE!



Hello peoples, I'm Donatella Versace. If you don't know me I am very sorry. Since I was very young I always love to sing. And though I don't like children, I do love to sing to them. Listen to this:
[singing]
"Old McDonald had a farm E-I-E-I-O
And old McDonald had a piiiig"



Imagine all the happy children when they hear me and John Galliano sing that tired ass teapot song.



Also on the tape you will meet my special friend Mr. Pantyhose Leg. [Puts pantyhose on her arm and uses it as a puppet.] Mr.. Pantyhose Leg, do you want to sing with me to the children? "No!" Then what do you want to do? "Smoke cigarettes and look good". Oh, I love you sooo much! [kisses the puppet]



[slow, tired voice] Hello everybody, hello. Your old friend Donatella here. Now, I know you haven't seen me for a while. It's because I was in rehab for about 2 years. I had to go into the tank to cure my problem with cigarettes, champagne and telling people to get out. But the good news is I'm completely cured. [Man-servants give her a lit cigarette and a glass of champagne]Oh, thank you my babies. Now, GET OUT!!![Man-servants leave]Any foo-foo, welcome to my Super Bowl Party where we smoke, look good and watch football. I want you to meet my buddy who I watch all my ball games with. Believe me there's no bigger football buff on earth than this guy. PRINCE! Predictions!



[doorbell rings]
Okay, If that's not the liquor delivery, somebody is going down!



Christina! (drunkenly singing) You are beautiful…oh my God, I'm loving you! It's the beautiful new face of Versace, Christina Aguilera! You are my baby, ah? Yes, I want to hold you in my arms and pat you on your little back like a tiny baby. Then I can burp you, and put a little powder on your bottom…
 
#3
I love the Spartan Cheerleaders:
(Arianna sits on Craig’s foot. Craig turns in circles.)
Craig: Who’s that Spartan clinging on to me?
Arianna: It’s me, it’s me!
Craig: I said who’s that Spartan clinging on to me?
Arianna: It’s me, it’s me!
Together:
Uh huh…uh huh… uh huh, uh huh, uh huh
Respect peoples personal space! Wooo!




Both: arf arf arf arf! Chihuahua small dog! Chihuahua small dog! Introduce yourself! ARF!
Arianna: I'm Arianna! The boys are urging but I am proud to stay a virgin!
Both: Arf Arf arf arf! Chihuahua small dog! Chihuahua small dog! Introduce yourself! ARF!
Craig: My name is Craig! I give good hugs! Your not my friend if you do drugs!
Both: arf! Small dog! Whoo! Whoo! Spartan spirit!




Together: Roll call! cha cha butchee, cha cha cha butchee roll call.
Arianna: I'm Arianna, I have team spirit, I don't do drugs, so check me out.
Together: Cha cha butchee, cha cha cha butchee Roll call.
Craig: My name is Craig, I did drugs once, I am a spartan, so check me out.
Together: So check us out. U.G.L.Y. you ain't got no alibi. Your ugly, hey hey your ugly. K.I.N.G. You can't take my king from me your ugly.Yeah yeah your ugly. Not cute. Spartan spirit, Spartan spirit.




Glenn: Would you please shut up! I know I'm a dork, and I have greasy hair, and that I've never kissed a girl.
Arianna: Glenn it's ok to explore your body.
Craig: Safe sex is in your hands.
Together: Sex can wait masturbate!
 
#5
That was great! You have all the dialogue and everything. I don't have the scripts n' all, but a couple of my fav sketches are:

D*ck in a Box and the Puppy Uppers/Doggie Downers sketch and that grape nuts spoof (the later two, from the 70's with the original Not Ready For Prime Time Players)
 
#6
I loved the What Really Happened at the Vanity Fair Photo Shoot sketch:
Leonard: Uh, just a couple things I want to go over before the "Desperate Housewives" themselves get here, okay? Uh, let's see. [opens folder] Number one, Teri Hatcher cannot be in the middle of the picture, okay?
Mark: [surprised] Okay.
Leonard: All right. Because if she is, the other four ladies will sue you. [laughs, and photographer joines in] That's not a joke.



Leonard: Not a joke. Number two, you cannot digitally replace any of the ladies' heads with an extra Teri Hatcher head.
Mark: Why would I do that?
Leonard: I don't know, but it's happened to us before, okay?



Eva Longoria: [enters wearing a black bathing suit and typing into a PDA] Hi, I'm Eva Longoria. Thank you so much for doing this shoot. I hear you're really amazing. [extends a hand to shake without looking up from the PDA]
[Mark steps forward slightly and Leonard pulls Eva's hand towards Mark to complete the shake]
Mark: Thanks. You are, too.



Mark: Uh, wherever you want. You know, let's just start with whatever pose feels natural, okay? [women who are still wearing bathrobes remove them, and Felicity is now wearing a pink bathing suit] You know, use the way you guys actually feel about each other. Okay. [Eva and Teri begin jostling each other] And, go! [Eva and Teri start strangling each other, Nicolette looms horrifically over a languidly terrified Marcia, and Felicity puts her fingers to her head as if they were a gun, while flash photographs are taken] Okay, okay, maybe I should place you. You know what, Eva, I thought you would look great leaning against this chaise.
Eva Longoria: [pulling PDA from a pocket and typing] Oh, that sounds great. I love that.
Leonard: [holding a smaller PDA] Okay, Mark? Eva is text messaging me that she does not want to sit on the chaise.
Mark: You don't like the chaise idea?
Eva Longoria: [typing] No, I love it. I think it's genius.
Leonard: Eva is texting me that she wants to be in the front, or she will leave.
 
#7
I love the Boston Teens sketches
{they're hilarious, and Rachel Dratch wears a Lexington High School Minutemen jacket during the sketch - also, the characters mention familiar places}:

Pat Sullivan: Yeah, I do all my reports on video, because I suffer from several as-yet-unnamed learning disabilities.
Denise: He did not get proper nutrition during his toddler years!
Pat Sullivan: Swear to Gawd!
Denise: Yeah! His mother's breastmilk's like Bailey's Irish Cream!
Pat Sullivan: That's neither here nor there!
Denise: She's no stranger to the inside of a squad car - believe me!




Sully: [underwhelmed] Oh.. alright..
Denise: What?! Are you not excited?!
Sully: When you said I had to wear a tie, I thought we were going to the Champagne Room at Ritz Dollhouse. Not that I would know their requirements!
Denise: Sorry - no strippers. But, if yo play your cards right, you'll get your own private sohw, later tonight on the futonon ya' mother's sunporch!
Sully: Your mother's sunporch!
Denise: You ah!
[they proceed to make out, as Denise's younger brother Danny separates them]



Waiter: Good evening, uh.. my name is Michael, and I'll be your server this evening. Can I get you a beverage to start?
Sully: Strawberry daiquiri.
Denise: A chocolate mudslide.
Danny: Amaretto and cream.
Waiter: Great! Can I see some IDs?
Sully: Iced tea!
Denise: Diet Coke.
Danny: Chocolate milk.
Waiter: Fantastic! I'll be right back.



Danny: [raises his lit menu] Hey, Chief? I'm gonna need another menu. This one's on fire!
Waiter: [rushes in] Oh, my God! Sorry!
Denise: Oh, my Gawd..
Sully: Hey! Knock it off, you pyro!
Denise: Leave him alone! You know he's got problems!
Sully: This kid enjoys fires the way other people enjoy, say.. a work of art.. or intercourse.
Danny: Ha ha ha ha ha!
Denise: Gawd.. On the bright side, Danny's problems may turn into cold, hard cash for the McDunna Family. We're expecting a $300,000 settlement from the Boston Archdiocese. And, though I cannot specify why, suffice it to say, my brother's cherubic good looks did play a major part!
Danny: I was only minorly diddled - only minorly.



Sully: Hey Tommy, is it rolling? Is the light flashing? Allright cool. Yo yo yo this is Pat Sullivan in Miss Nicholson's fourth period audio/visual class. For my project I'm filming a trip to Burlington mall with my girl Denise.
Denise: I swear to god Sully, if you don't get that Burger King breath out of my face, I'm gonna be wicked pissed off.
Sully: So what? If I was rich I'd eat a Whopper every day.
Denise: You're retarded!
Sully: You are! [kissing]



Sully: Hey Tommy, got enough light? Focus it...Alright, this is Pat Sullivan, this is my girl here, Denise. I'm here in my basment in Lexington, Mass.
Denise: GO MINUTEMAN! GO MINUTEMAN!
Sully: This tape is our official submission to the producers of Survivor.
Denise: Yeah, please disregard the previous tape we sent to you. That was supposed to be for our own private use.
[they make out]
 
#8
Here are some highlights from the Dakota Fanning sketch:

Daniel Radcliffe: You know, I think everyone has a soft spot, uh, for children's books. I mean, after all, you did do "Cat in the Hat."
Dakota Fanning: [chuckles] In my defense, when I read that script I saw it as a metaphor for ethnic violence in central Africa! [shakes head and smiles] But, apparently, it was about a cat in a hat! [laughs]



Abigail Breslin: How old were you when you first got your nomination?
Dakota Fanning: [frowns] Me? W-well, you'd certainly would have though I'd been nominated several times. After all, I portrayed the daughter of a mentlaly-challenged individual in "I Am Sam", and then the victim of a brutal kidnapping in "Man On Fire."
Abigail Breslin: [giggles] I did a funny dance!



Abigail Breslin: You're grumpy!
Dakota Fanning: sorry, I'm a little out of sorts. I didn't have my post-Pilates nap.
[a woman steps forward with a juice box] Katherine: Here, Dakota - have some juice.
 
#9
The Barry Gibb Talk Show {It's partly what is said, and it's how it's said. And I love how Justin loses it in some point of the sketch}:

Announcer: It's "The Barry Gibb Talk Show"!
[the theme song that plays is based off the Bee Gees song "Nights On Broadway"]
Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing in falsetto] "Here we are.."
Announcer: Tonight, Barry's guests are..
Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing in falsetto] "..in a room full of strangers.."
Announcer: ..former California recall candidate Arianna Huffington.
Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing in falsetto] "..discussin' politics.."
Announcer: ..Lt. Governor Cruz Bustamonte..
Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing in falsetto] "..and the issues of the daaaayy.."
Announcer: ..author of "Lies & The Liars Who Tell Them:
Barry & Robin Gibb: [harmonizing] "Well, I’m going to talk to you."
Announcer: ..A Fair & Balanced Look At The Right", author Al Franken!
Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing in harmony] "..though you may not want me to.."
Announcer: And, as always..
Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing in harmony] "..I'm still gonna talk to you."
Announcer: ..Barry's brother Robin.
Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing in harmony]
"I don't care what you saay.

Talkin' it up!
On The Barry Gibb Talk Show
Talkin' about issues
Talkin' about real important issues.

Talkin' it up!
On The Barry Gibb Talk Show
Checkin' out politics
In this crazy, crazy tow-own!"



Barry Gibb: Ha ha! Before you get started ,I just want to warn you - I'm not Bill O'Reilly!! You start and SMART TALK with ME, and I will END IT!! I didn't go to your hasty pudding, "Let's all dress up like girls" school! I grew up on the streets of SYDNEY!! And no matter where I am in the studio-o-o-o.. I'm never more than fi-i-ve seconds away from a gu-u-unn!



Barry & Robin Gibb: [singing in harmony]
"Talkin' it up
On The Barry Gibb Talk Show!
Talkin' about chest hair
Talkin' about crazy cool medallions!

Talkin' it up
On The Barry Gibb Talk Show!
Talkin' about, hah hah hah!
Talkin' about hah hah hah..!"




Barry Gibb: Oh yeah, huh? You-you-you thought we.. you thought we were the greatest? You hear that, Robin? We were! WERE!! Huh? [snaps] Don't you EVER talk to me like that AGAIN!! I'M BARRY GIBB!! [demonstrates a karate kick in the air] You know what that means?! I put this whole show together! I'm Barry Gibb - I wil PUT you in the GROUND!! Agh agh agh agh agh! [ singing ] "I'll put you in the ground! I'll put you in the ground - yeah!"
Robin Gibb: [singing] "..in the grou-ound!"
Barry Gibb: "..put you in the ground, me and my brother’ll help me put you in the ground - yeah!"



Barry Gibb: Huh, that’s an interesting point.
Nancy ******: Thank you Barry, I think it’s important.
Barry Gibb: [becoming agitated] Wait, what did you just call me?
Nancy ******: Barry!
Barry Gibb: [infuriated] YOU WILL NOT CALL ME BY MY FIRST NAME!! IT IS MR. GIBB TO YOU! YOU WILL SHOW ME SOME RESPECT BECAUSE I HAVE EARNED IT!! I HAVE 13 GOLD RECORDS [up an octave] AND NONE OF THEM WENT PLATINUM! [a beat] Robin do you have anything to add?




Barry Gibb: Oh every time we’re there that’s so wonderful… [Escalating rage] Considering we haven’t been to New Mexico in 12 FRIGGIN’YEARS!! DON’T YOU PATRONISE ME! I AM BARRY GIBB! [does karate kick and nearly loses his balance] I WILL TAKE OUT MY BOOIE KNIFE AND GUT YOU LIKE A FI-I-I-AH-HE-ISH!
Barry & Robin Gibb: [Harmonizing] I’LL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH! I’LL GUT YOU LIKE A FISH YEAH! I’LL PUT YOU IN THE GROUND!! YEAH, ME AND MY BROTHER GONNA PUT YOU IN THE GROUND YEAH!
 
#11
Nothing beats the classics..I've got the whole DVD set. If you are EVER feeling down, these will snap you out of it like lightening:P

The Church Lady
Gumby, Buckwheat, Mr. Robinson
Roseanne Roseannadanna
Hanz & Franz
Wayne's world
Chopping Broccoli (Dana Carvey)
Pat
I know there's more...


My favorite "newer" one is the Spartan Cheerleaders
 
#12
Church Chat:

Church Lady: Hello, I'm the Church Lady, and this is "Church Chat". Well, you know, the holiday season has arrived. And, with it, a little letter from Toledo, Ohio. Let's read that, shall we?

[reading] "Dear Church Lady: I am shocked at the number of people who bring their children to total strangers in Santa suits, and allow them to hold their young ones firmly on their pelvic regions, offer them candy and whisper, 'Don't be afraid to tell me what you really want!' What causes this mass hysteria?" Signed, Elaine.

Well, Elaine, let's examine thew word "Santa", shall we? [holds up board with "SANTA" spelled across it in removeable letters] Santa. Let's see, what have we got here? We've got an S and an A, an N, a T, and another A. Hmm.. [rearranges the letters] Who could be causing all those laps to bounce up and down curiously? Who would help grown men peel the focus from the baby Jesus on his birthday? Who could it be, I just don't know. Could it be.. [echo] Satan!! [the letters now spell "SATAN"]



Church Lady: Hello. I'm the Church Lady, and this is "Church Chat". Well, well, well.. Happy St. Patrick's Day to you all. St. Patrick's Day, what does it mean? A harmless Irish tradition? Or a chance for people to fornicate like drunken little Beastmasters? But we don't have time to talk about that delicious subject, because we have a very special guest. For almost two years, this young man has been a knot in my corset and a hair in my Cream of Wheat. So, will you please welcome Rob Lowe.
 
#14
It's Pat!:
A lot of people say, "What's that?" It's Pat!
A lot of people ask, "Who's he? Or she?"
A ma'am or a sir, accept him or her
or whatever it might be.
It's time for androgyny.
Here comes Pat!



Pat: How much do I owe you?
Barber: Well.. uh.. gee.. the price chart is right over there.. [points to a sign on the wall that reads "Haircut & Style, Men: $15, Women: $17.50"] Those would be your various prices, for either of your various haircuts..
Pat: Alright. [takes out some money] Here's a twenty.
Barber: Twenty? Okay.. so, change back from your twenty.. you'd like some change, of course.. some change..
Pat: Alright, Iknow what you're doing.
Barber: You do?
Pat: Yes. And I don't appreciate it. [laughs uncomfortably]
 
#15
Deep Thoughts by Jack Handey:

If you ever drop your keys
into a river of molten lava
let 'em go, because, man,
they're gone.



Whenever someone asks me
what it means to love,
I spin around
and pin the guy's arm
around his back.
Now who's the one
asking the questions?



You know what's probably a good thing to have on your porch
in the summertime to keep mosquitos away from you and your guests?
Just a big bag full of blood.



Before a mad scientist
goes mad, there's
probably a time when
he's only partially mad.
And this is the time
when he's going to throw
his best parties.



Sometimes when I feel like killing someone,
I do a little trick to calm myself down.
I'll go over to the person's house and ring the doorbell.
When the person comes to the door, I'm gone,
but you know what I've left on the porch?
A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side
of its head with a note that says "You."
After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.



Today I accidentally stepped on a snail
on the sidewalk in front of our house.
And I thought, I too am like that snail.
I build a defensive wall around myself, a "shell" if you will.
But my shell isn't made out of a hard, protective substance.
Mine is made out of tin foil and paper bags.



It makes me mad when I go to all the trouble
of having Marta cook up about a hundred drumsticks,
then the guy at Marineland says,
"You can't throw that chicken to the dolphins. They eat fish."
Sure they eat fish, if that's all you give them!
Man, wise up.



You can't tell me that cowboys, when they're branding cattle,
don't sort of "accidentally" brand each other every once in a while.
It's their way of letting off stress.



If a kid asks where rain comes from,
I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying."
And if he asks why God is crying,
another cute thing to tell him is
"Probably because of something you did."



How come the dove gets
to be the peace symbol?
How about the pillow?
It has more feathers than the dove,
and it doesn't have that dangerous beak.



As I bit into the nectarine,
it had a crisp juiciness about it
that was very pleasurable --
until I realized it wasn't a nectarine at all,
but A HUMAN HEAD!!
 
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