Drunk Jokes

  1. Three guys are drinking in a bar when a drunk comes in, staggers up to them, and points to the guy in the middle, shouting, "Your Mom's the best lay in town!"
    Everyone expects a fight but the guy ignores him and the drunk wanders up to the end of the bar.
    Ten minutes later, the drunk comes back, points to the same guy, and says, "I just screwed your mom and it was really sw-e-et!" Again the guy refuses to take the bait, and the drunk wanders off.
    Ten minutes later, he comes back and announces, "Your mom even let me...." Finally the guy interrupts, "Go home, Dad! You're drunk again!
  2. A cowgirl walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would taste better if you bought one at a time." The cowgirl replies, "Well, you see, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself." The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn. One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs. "Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected my sisters, though."
  3. Late one night a drunk guy is showing some friends around his brand new apartment. The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.

    “What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.

    “It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.”

    “How does it work?”

    The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.

    Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “For God’s sake, you *******…it’s 3:30 in the goddamn morning!”
  4. Two Englishmen are sitting at a bar and become quite tipsy. One turns to the other and says, “Oy, where are you from?”
    The second man answers, “I’m from Liverpool.”
    The first man, surprised, replies, “No way! I'm from Liverpool, too! What high school did you go to?”
    The second man answers, “St. Mary's.”
    “Wow!” yells the first man. “ME, TOO!”
    “No way,” says the second man. “What year did you graduate?”
    “Seventy-nine,” says the first man.
    “Oh, my God!” screams the second man, “I graduated in ‘79, too!” “Oh, boy, it’s gonna be a long night,” sighs the bartender, turning to one of his other customers. “The Johnson twins are drunk again.”
  5. hahaha! i liked the first one~
  6. Those are all wicked funny
  7. Those are great! Keep em coming....always nice to read something that brightens my day!
  8. hahaha,the fourth ones really funny.Thanks for sharing.
  9. Oh my god, those are hilarious! Thanks for the laugh!
  10. Lol
  11. [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]So this guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender "Give me two single whiskies"
    "Sure" the bartender replies, "do you want them both now or one at a time?"
    "Oh, both now" replies the guy, "one's for me and one's for my little friend here" and with that the guy pulls a three inch tall man out of his shirt pocket.
    The Bartender looked at the little man in amazement and asked, "Can he drink?"
    "Sure" replied the guy and with that the three inch tall man supped back his whiskey.
    "That's amazing" replied the bartender, "what else can he do? Can he walk?"
    With that the guy flips a quarter down to the other end of the bar and asks the little fella to get it. Sure enough, he runs down the bar and retrieves the coin, picks it up and jogs back to the guy.
    "That really is amazing" replied the bartender, "Can he talk?"
    "Of course" says the guy, "Hey Jim, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you called that witch-doctor a wanker..."
  12. This guy walks into a bar on the top of a very tall building. He sits down, orders a huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out.
    Five minutes later, the guy walks into the bar again, orders another huge beer, chugs it, walks over to the window, and jumps out again.
    Five minutes later, he re-appears and repeats the whole thing.
    About half an hour later, another guy at the bar stops the first guy and says, "hey, how the heck are you doing that?!"
    The first guy responds, "oh, it's really simple physics. When you chug the beer, it makes you all warm inside and since warm air rises, if you just hold your breath you become lighter than air and float down to the sidewalk."
    "WOW!" exclaims the second man, "I gotta try that!" So he orders a huge beer, chugs it, goes over to the window, jumps out, and splats on the sidewalk below.
    The bartender looks over to the first man and says, "Superman, you're an ******* when you're drunk."
  13. [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... [/FONT]
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]FREE BEER!
    [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]So the guy asks the bartender what the test is. The Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth... you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her."
    The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there."
    Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?" He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face.
    Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence.
    The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.
    "Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"
  14. There's this drunk guy who decides that he wants to go fishing. He packs up all his tackle and sets out in search of a suitable spot.
    Eventually, he stumbles across a huge area of ice and decides that he'll give it a go. Taking out a saw from his tackle box, he starts to saw a hole.
    Suddenly, a loud voice booms out at him, "There's no fish in here." The drunk looks all around him but can't see anyone. He decides to ignore the voice and carries on sawing.
    Again, the voice booms out, "I've told you once, there's no fish in here!" He looks up again but there's still no sign of anyone so he returns to his task.
    "Stop it!" shouts the now very angry sounding voice, "You'd better pack up your stuff and get out of here or there'll be trouble."
    "Who are you" shouts the drunk guy, "you don't scare me!"
    "Look," replies the voice, "I'm the manager of this Ice Rink!"
  15. [FONT=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]An Englishman, and Irishman and a Scotsman walk into a bar and each orders a pint of beer.
    When the drinks arrive they notice that all three pints have a fly in them.
    The Englishman just looks at his pint in disgust and pushes it away.
    The Irishman picks out the fly with his fingers, throws it on the floor and proceeds to drink his beer.
    The Scotsman picks the fly out of his pint, and holds it over the drinking saying, "Come on you little git, spit it out!"