Drama, drama, drama.

missmustard

missmustard

Prima Donna Assoluta
O.G.
Oct 15, 2006
4,756
5
#1
Hey guys, sorry I just need to vent and see if you guys can help out some.

About 6yrs ago, when I was living in Houston, I dated this guy. So everything was OK until drugs started getting on the way (we were both using heavily) blablabla, problems, he dumps me claiming I have no self-respect because I put up with his post-binge bulls**t everytime.

Anyway, it's been years since I last saw him/talked to him... and just today I found out he got clean, found a better job and MARRIED. I couldn't stop crying after that last piece of information. I'm still feeling like crap. I've never had such a hard time letting go of someone like I've had with him. It's been YEARS for Christ's sake!! I thought about him a lot over the course of time but this really hit me. And I don't know what to do. He was everything I ever wanted, except for the drug situation.

Arghhh.. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me. I guess all this time I was hoping he'd realise what a mistake he made and come back to me and this shattered my dreams.

Anyone relates? Or has any advice on how to let it go? Thanks for letting me rant. Sorry for the long post.
 
#2
im my experince with using both as the addict and as the s/o both in dating and in parent-child relationships. It is hard to see someone else sometimes put their lives together. esp when you think you should be iin that same place with the person.

But I have also foiund that their are many relationships where there is no commanility once you remove the addiction and the codependancy as there was no other glue holding the two together.

I hope you have a support system beyond tpf such as a sponsor or therapist that you can talk to. As you will need soemone who knows you better than us here to show you how much you yourself have grown w/o him in your life. and you to can ccomplish goals such as marriage with another person.
 
#3
I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling down. Agreed, you need to find a support system, a family member, close friend or therapist that could hopefully help you build your self esteem. It's terrible how he made you feel and that wasn't right. You need to gather yourself together and feel appreciated by staying close to people who love and appreciate you for who you are.

I know it's not easy, believe me, but you'll get through it.. it takes time and some effort but who knows there are probably bigger and better plans out there for you, you deserve all the best so hang in there.
 
#4
What you need to realize is that neither of you are the same people now as you were then. The man who got married is someone you do not know, and you are someone he doesn't know. Perhaps you would have been compatible if you were both clean, but perhaps he has changed in ways you cannot imagine.

It is easy to hang on to a fantasy about a person when that person is not around, but much of the time that fantasy dissolves when you actually reunite with that person.

I am sorry this has been a shock and a disappointment to you. But please believe that this in no way reflects on you. Drugs and addiction can obscure so much in a relationship (I know from experience). Your relationship with him and the drugs and the addiction and the related memories are in the past. Don't let that past haunt you now.
 
#5
It seems the other members have experienced relationships like you mentioned so I would listen to their advice. As someone who hasn't had experience with that, I would still say the same thing. A lot of times when people have a problem that is what holds them together in a relationship. It could even be detrimental to both individuals once clean to get back together, as things could be worse again. I know it hurts like hell when you know someone you cared for is married. Heck, some guy treated me like absolute crap that I dated and when I found out he was later married it just stung. In my situation, there is no way to know how he treated his wife or anything, but all I had to do was to realize that I was better off without him. I'm sure he will always be a part of you, as in a part of your memories, but you need to focus on you and the new memories you will make and the new relationships you foster. I have you have a good support system. Sometimes it is the little things that can tug at your heart strings. And also, do keep in mind, like others said, that oftentimes the person we once remembered having dated can change and the person we once knew is no longer the same. It's more like we have this fantasy of that person and how it could be in our mind. You'll get over him. Just keep those things in mind.
 
#6
i know how that can suck ... it was a shock and sucked when i first heard about exes getting married.... and they weren't even the love of my life!


Re my most recent relationship, i think the same thing as well every day "I guess all this time I was hoping he'd realise what a mistake he made and come back to me and this shattered my dreams."

but i know it's never going to happen and we broke up for all the reasons there were (no drugs involved tho) and it's over.

you think he was everything you wanted but you don't really know it... and the fact is that he didn't come back so he wasn't right for you. ... you want someone who truly loves you and appreciates you and can't bear to lose you... and this guy isn't it. SO you're better off without him.... otherwise you'd spend all your efforts keeping him with you...


and someone else said, you don't relaly know the him right now. he's some person that could be very different from who he was when you knew him.

of course, the horrible feelings or hurt and sting are still there and they'll slowly recede with time.

i know it's hard gal, but you'll be ok.... in the meanwhile, go out with friends, work more, do stuff...you'll get over him in time... *HUGS*
 
#7
missmustard said:
Hey guys, sorry I just need to vent and see if you guys can help out some.

About 6yrs ago, when I was living in Houston, I dated this guy. So everything was OK until drugs started getting on the way (we were both using heavily) blablabla, problems, he dumps me claiming I have no self-respect because I put up with his post-binge bulls**t everytime.

Anyway, it's been years since I last saw him/talked to him... and just today I found out he got clean, found a better job and MARRIED. I couldn't stop crying after that last piece of information. I'm still feeling like crap. I've never had such a hard time letting go of someone like I've had with him. It's been YEARS for Christ's sake!! I thought about him a lot over the course of time but this really hit me. And I don't know what to do. He was everything I ever wanted, except for the drug situation.

Arghhh.. I don't know what the heck is wrong with me. I guess all this time I was hoping he'd realise what a mistake he made and come back to me and this shattered my dreams.

Anyone relates? Or has any advice on how to let it go? Thanks for letting me rant. Sorry for the long post.
Click to expand...
i am in the exact same situation.
my first love treat me really badly got involved in drugs etc, it was a really abusive relationship and it ended so badly but i still loved him. flash forward 6 years and im in a really happy relationship but when i saw my ex 2 weeks ago hes clean and in a great relationship, engaged. i felt so crushed and jealous of the new girl friend. part of me even wanted to spoil it for him after what happened with us. some men you just cant get over, what we had was bad and i know that so its good that we both moved on. i hope you fell better about the situation.
 
#8
wow missmustard, bubbleliciousis, and cherry pie... I am in a very similar situation and I always thought I was alone! I am sorry you all are going through this same crap :crybaby:

Try to look at it this way: you are a bigger, better, and wiser person now that you were back then. As others have said, there is something bigger and better waiting for you than this one guy.

Best wishes to you *hugggs*
 
#9
It sounds like you started to idealize him once he was gone -- that's so easy to do b/c you don't see him everyday to be confronted with his flaws. So, it's easy to think that he would have been this wonderful partner...but in "real life" he's probably not really good for you. I've done this with so many guys. I hope you start to feel better soon:heart:
 
#11
Thank you everyone for taking the time and sharing your experiences and feelings. I'm feeling a little better by today.. I hope the sting keeps fading even if it's one day at a time.

alvie223: Yes, I do believe I should start seeing a therapist. I realised I have this pattern where I keep comparing/trying to find guys like him, which is keeping me from having a good relationship because I
just don't give people (my current SO) a chance. Thnx for your input!

Miss 2 A: Hopefully a therapist will help me work on my self-esteem. I haven't had the best time ever since this happened. Thnx for your kind words!

HauteMama: I can't thank you enough. Every single one of your words rings so true. People change, and so have I, and certainly things can't be the same as when we were together. The only good times we had was when we were high.. so yes, I might not be seeing things for what they really were. I only hope I can rationalise this soon to stop feeling so crappy. Thnx again!

LuvLVRN25: I started thinking about how things were back then after reading your post, and the more I think about it, the more I believe I'm SO better off without him. I just wish the sting would heal faster than it is. Thnx!

bubbleiciousis: It sucks more than any other sucky thing in the world! Thanks so much for your kind words. I sometimes need people to remind me of the facts straight up like you have! Hugs coming your
way too!

cherry pie: I'm glad you got out that horrible relationship you speak of. I can totally relate to how you're feeling. Thnx for your good wishes!

simmmchen: Sorry here too! It's good to know we have each other to support ourselves through this. Thnx for your lovely thoughts and wishes! A big hug to you, too.

MandM: Totally true. I guess I just liked thinking about the good side of things because he wasn't there to ruin it all like he used to. Thnx for your wishes and your input!

Sweetpea83: Hehehe, I'll try! I definitely need to get out more and stop going around this in my head. It's not healthy!
 
#13
Yeah, it can be shocking to learn of an ex's new relationship...maybe you're thinking, "why didn't he do that for me?" well, you have to take into consideration that it was 6 years ago, and you've both gotten older and wiser, and I think it's best you didn't stay with him, he sounded toxic then. Just focus on the good you're doing for yourself NOW and try not to worry about THEN. (((hugs))) and good luck! We're all here for ya!
 
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