Do you ever feel that you love your children too much?

  1. I sometimes wonder if I love my children sooooo much that it "handicaps" them from growing up to be responsible, well-adjusted grown ups.

    I have two grown sons (a 23-year old and a 25-year old) and I still find myself "protecting" them from life's disappointments and/or consequences because I cannot bear the thought of them being hurt or in an uncomfortable situation. My husband says that I "baby them" and should let them suffer consequences and/or life's disappointments............but for some reason it just kills me to think of them feeling these stresses. I know in my head that it actually builds character and responsibility, but I find myself constantly worried about their well-being and it kills me to think of them "suffering".

    How do you let go??? It's so hard for me. Any suggestions??? :shrugs:
  2. You might get better answers to this in the pregnancy/parenting forum.

  3. good advice caxe.... miu2 i think there are a load of women in there who will relate!
  4. Hi Miu 2, My two are 6 and 8 and I do baby them a lot but they are young. But my sisters two are 22 and 23 and she treats them like hopeless babies...
    darling are you comfortable? Darling have you got a temperature? etc etc.
    I think you are perfectly normal.
  5. I actually think this thread might be better off staying here -- after all here is the place where teenagers complain of overprotective parents, so this would be the other side of the story!

    It is natural to want to protect children from harm. It's hard for me. It's hard for my mom, LOL! (I'm in my mid-thirties!) And moms are particularly bad.

    I had a very overprotective mom (still have!) and so it was hard for me to deal with some situations later in life that should have been handled independently. So I know the end result would not be good for my kid if I do the same, and I try to take a back seat even if my heart tells me not to. And then I try to take pride in his accomplishments.

    I try to go by the way of "handing a man a fishing rod instead of giving them fish"...if they have problems talking about it with them is okay, teaching them techniques to handle it is okay, but not jump in and try to solve the problem for them...
  6. I don´t think you can ever love your children too maybe give them tools to develop themselves rather than doing it for them is what´s the most helpful, especially for boys !! I just know too many guys whose Mum still did (in college) their laundry, their food for the week, bought their clothes/underwear, etc.....needless to say they left it all to their girlfriends afterwards....nice....
  7. I can relate!!!!!! I have two children, 22 and 26. I have always been a strict and loving parent, but looking back on it now, I have also done way too much for them. When my children were younger, I believed that they should be taught to respect people and show good manners. What I didn't work on was independence. Like Miu2, I never wanted them to feel disappointment and I never wanted them to feel that I was not there for them. The problem is now they are constantly getting themselves into fixes where they need help. A few examples are running out of money before the next paycheck, not checking what time the bus comes so I have to drive them or they will be late or having to throw in last minute laundry for something they need now. I think if I could give advice to young parents it would be to teach children to be responsible and don't give them too much. My kids have the idea that everything is easy to come by and they are frustrated that they can't afford the luxuries they were raised with. I don't think you can love your children too much, but you can spoil them!
  8. Oh My Goodness, Sarah.......if I didn't know better, I would have sworn that I wrote your post!! You've hit the nail right on the head! My boys are very socially mature, however they (the younger one in particular) seem to not appreciate the art of saving and/or going without or handling small inconveniences (speeding tickets, etc)! My husband says it's because they know that "Mom will always be there to bail them out.........". Sad, but I think that he is right. Don't even get me started on those luxuries that you mentioned! These are the only grandchildren that my parents have (or will have) and, boy oh boy, these boys got EVERYTHING from their grandparents! I use to try to put a stop to it when the kids were younger, but my parents wouldn't stop. Now I am really worried that the younger one is not going to learn how to be responsible. Any suggestions?? He works with me in our family business, he's awesome at work.........he just doesn't know how to save $$$ and/or do without things (unnecessary luxuries). :s
  9. Great advice! I have been getting better at letting them (or insisting) handle their own problems........but boy it's hard. I try to not let it bother me, or try to not think about it when they have problems....but sometimes I actually let it ruin my day or time I spend with DH. That's not good! :push:
  10. Maybe I can offer you some insight because my mom had five children...

    My twin brothers who are two and half years older than my sister and I, were spoiled beyond belief. I mean, my mom did everything for them, bailed them out of every situation, nothing was ever their fault, treated them like they were kings, the list could go on and on.

    My sister and I, although very much loved, were treated complete opposite. We had to fend for ourselves.

    My brothers are now close to 50 yrs old and each live with my mom on and off free of rent. She still bails them out of everything, she buys their cigerattes, gives them money to "survive", etc.

    They each were married, but their wives could not ever meet my brothers expectations of being a good wife in their minds, no matter how well they were treated.

    I thank god now that my sister and I were raised the way we were because we can handle any situation and take care of our business and have both been married for 28 years.

    Let your boys grow up to be responsible for their own actions and learn from their own mistakes. It is so important they learn to be self sufficent and be handle everyday situations on thier own.

  11. *A spoilt kid here

    My mom would give me money for ANYTHING no questions asked. When I look back at what I asked money for, what I spent it on I feel so ashamed of myself.

    I don't have things like speeding tickets, but unwise spending figured a lot in my youth. And if I couldn't make ends meet with my paycheck mom was always there to bail me out.
  12. I'm the senior citizen here; my sons are 42 and 35, both married. I don't think you can love a child too much. What you're talking about is spoiling, enabling, and not letting them experience the logical consequences of behavior. Think about your own lifetime of experiences--I know I learned so much from my mistakes, that my adult children needed the dignity of getting through life's problems using their own resources. If they ask for advice, fine. But financial help is in the form of a loan (and we have been repaid).

    If there is a terribly serious problem, of course we would do anything to help. Most of life's ups and downs are not however. Children are robbed of the experiences that make up a mature person, if we swoop in and "save" them. Not saying this is the case with your kids, but it appears an entire generation has been raised with no tolerance for frustration; everything is instant gratification. I know i sound old-fashioned, but our boys have been self-supporting since graduating from college and they generally make good decisions.
  13. I just wanted to chime in and say that my mom was very much like the OP with me. I'm the youngest of 4, and I got VERY sick at a young age. I think her protective instincts went into overdrive and it's never really gone away. I could do ANYTHING and I know she'd still stick up for me. I don't think it has necessarily held me back. I definitely fell back on it at times when I should have figured things out on my own, but really the only negative effect it's had is that other people are kind of nasty about it sometimes. My siblings are jealous and resentful and I've been accused of being "mama's girl." But it has its advantages too... My mom and I are extraordinarily close. It may sound corny and pathetic but my mom is literally my BEST FRIEND, and I don't think many people can say that. I love my mom. I'd do anything for her and I know she'd do anything for me. Everything good I have is because of her, not in spite of her! :crybaby:

    lol Sorry for the emotional out-pouring. I just wanted to give you a different perspective :shame:smile:
  14. I love my kids to the point where my heart just swells up real big, but it's a happy heart when I see them happy in their lives, and they're quite young right now.

    Sometimes I can be overbearing with my elder one. Perhaps the fruit doesn't fall far from the tree, patterns of behavior have a way of passing from one generation to the next. I am painfully aware of how harsh criticism hurt me as a child and adult. It's one thing to love your children very much and want to protect them, and it's another to lack confidence in your children that they can do well without our constant protectiveness or criticism throughout their whole lives.

    I am intensely aware of giving ds1 time to think about good deeds/bad things that occurs. Not to spoil every good deed with material rewards. Not to fight every battle he has in school -- a mom's instinct is to side with her kid if there is conflict at school, make him the "good guy".

    When I sit him down and allow him to sort out conflicts (I bite my overbearing tongue), he surprises me with how he is able to separate his instincts of wanting to "win the fight", and still be able to transcend that with feelings of compassion for the other person. I learn quite a bit from my little boy...
  15. That is great advice! There's nothing wrong with letting your kids know you will not bail them out financially any more, and you will expect them to handle themselves like adults. If they get into trouble, you can sit down with them and suggest that they get a second job to pay the extra expenses, or that they look at their financials and figure out a way to cut back. Instead of giving your own resources, you can give them the benefit of your life experience and your wisdom. They'll end up thanking you for it, I think--and the benefits of knowledge will last a LOT longer than any money or material goods you could give them! As long as they have your love and emotional support, that's all you as a parent should feel responsible to give them at this point, since they are grown men and capable of helping themselves.

    I have the opposite issue in life--my parents were both very hands-off and uninvolved in the lives of me and my siblings, to the extent that they basically left us behind and don't participate much in our lives at all. It's sad, but that's the hand I have been dealt. However, it has taught me to look first to the hand at the end of my own arm when I need help! :p

    ((Hugs)) and good luck to you! You sound like an absolutely wonderful mom!