Do/Did you notice in your 20's that your friends...

[IntlSet]

...suddenly became incredibly competitive and catty?

Like, with some of your closest friends it has suddenly become impossible to answer the simple questions of who you're dating, where you're moving, your job, anything?

Maybe it's just an unstable time in our lives and we'll grow out of it. It's really sad, though, because two of my best friends (who aren't friends with each other so their nastiness is not rubbing off on one another) have suddenly grown so passive-aggressive with underhand slights. I mean, heck, if you're gonna insult me, be frank about it and let's not waste time!

I feel bad and I spent a long time thinking that maybe I'm gushing about how well things are going (but they're not really going all that well anyway!), and maybe they're jealous? But they have a lot of awesome things going on in their lives, they're really accomplished and amazing girls. I don't think it's jealousy. They just have started treating happiness and success like a very limited resource one has to fight for. Despite the fact that we're in different fields, we prefer to date different kinds of guys, these two girls just cannot let me get away with doing anything without subtly nasty comments.

Anyway, sorry to vent, guys. Maybe I should just reciprocate in kind or something. I'm really just kinda trying to hold onto these two girls as friends despite the fact that they're turning nasty because we've been friends since 2nd grade!

Thanks, maybe you ladies notice/noticed this in your 20's also.

 

[bagnshoofetish]

ich. Maybe just taking some time away from them will help them appreciate you more. Why hang around people that bum you out when there are plenty of other people who are great to be around? Friends should lift each other up. Don't hang on to people just because you have history. Sometimes you outgrow each other and your relationship will change. Thats not to say years down the line you can't all hook up again after some much needed world experience - sometimes a break is good for friendship.

 

[IntlSet]

ich. Maybe just taking some time away from them will help them appreciate you more. Why hang around people that bum you out when there are plenty of other people who are great to be around? Friends should lift each other up. Don't hang on to people just because you have history. Sometimes you outgrow each other and your relationship will change. Thats not to say years down the line you can't all hook up again after some much needed world experience - sometimes a break is good for friendship.

Eh, the sad thing is we don't even hang out! We got to colleges that are all far away from one another and see each other just a few times a year. It's like they can't even be pleasant over the phone, and we don't talk more than once a week.

You might be right, bagsnshoosfetish. I really hope that sometime in the future we'll be as close as we once were!

 

[shu]

Oh man IntlSet, tell me about it! Honestly, one of my former best friends is the SAME way, hence why she's a former best friend. Again, remember the story I told you about her and her dad (UC Davis)? Yeah.

I don't understand why people have such a hard time helping each other and being happy for other people's achievements along with their own. In a way, they put all that pressure on themselves to be better than everyone, but no one can be the best at everything (or anything!). There's always going to be someone better than you.

Right now, I'm pretty embarrassed about telling my friends about my internship this summer since it's not the most prestigious (hopefully, my job search will be different). The entire academic environment around me is ALL about the names. Goldman, JP Morgan, Morgan Stanley, etc etc. So if you're working for a lesser known company, you can sometimes get the confused "oh...", which I HATE! Oops, went off topic!

 

[shu]

Eh, the sad thing is we don't even hang out! We got to colleges that are all far away from one another and see each other just a few times a year. It's like they can't even be pleasant over the phone, and we don't talk more than once a week.

You might be right, bagsnshoosfetish. I really hope that sometime in the future we'll be as close as we once were!

I love my friends from high school! They're very competitive, but they're also laidback about achievements. Man! I hate it when with certain people, I have to dissect their messages for hidden meanings. Takes the fun out of friendship.

 

[IntlSet]

Right now, I'm pretty embarrassed about telling my friends about my internship this summer since it's not the most prestigious (hopefully, my job search will be different). The entire academic environment around me is ALL about the names. Goldman, JP Morgan, Morgan Stanley, etc etc. So if you're working for a lesser known company, you can sometimes get the confused "oh...", which I HATE! Oops, went off topic!

lol I totally remember your crazy friend, and Shu, you know I understand you about i-banking name-whores. Lord, makes me glad I went into liberal arts.

Arrggg, maybe wait until you land that awesome job at Goldman and then see how happy they are for you. I know in your atmosphere it's 1000x more competitive. And if you're not competitive, they probably think something's wrong with you!

 

[bagnshoofetish]

Eh, the sad thing is we don't even hang out! We got to colleges that are all far away from one another and see each other just a few times a year. It's like they can't even be pleasant over the phone, and we don't talk more than once a week.

You might be right, bagsnshoosfetish. I really hope that sometime in the future we'll be as close as we once were!

I hope so. Till then, they're fired! They don't deserve your time. You are such a cool person. I know you must have alot of people around that are REAL friends that make you happy!

 

[shu]

lol I totally remember your crazy friend, and Shu, you know I understand you about i-banking name-whores. Lord, makes me glad I went into liberal arts.

Arrggg, maybe wait until you land that awesome job at Goldman and then see how happy they are for you. I know in your atmosphere it's 1000x more competitive. And if you're not competitive, they probably think something's wrong with you!

Please! Art??? Don't tell me that's not just as competitive, because it is! Especially since there are so many people for SO few jobs! I feel bad for both of us..lol. Because I'm definitely not landing any job at Goldman haha.

Oh and about being competitive...my ex told me to switch career plans because I'm going to get eaten alive...

 

[pursemama]

It could be, now that they're older, they're more confident and know themselves well, so their real selves are coming out. They're not afraid to speak their mind and since they've known you since 2nd grade, they say things very bluntly...nothing is candy coated anymore and not realizing those blunt remarks can be hurtful and thoughtless! I have a few friends that I've known since 5th grade, (we're 44, now) in our mid thirties we ran into a similar problem with one of the girls in our group and we called her on it...long story short, she didn't realize she was being so condescending and apologized, she was just going through personal things in her life, we all ended up crying and doing a group hug. Not to say, every story has a happy ending, sometimes friends just grow apart and sadly move on in different directions. I hope that you can resolve this, I'd definitely tell them how they make you feel and if they cared enough they'd try to work through this and salvage your friendship!

 

[BalenciagaLove]

I think sometimes, you do outgrow your childhood friends, as sad as it might be to say. This doesn't mean that you don't reserve a special place in your heart for them. It just means that this is a time for great changes and where you find out who you're going to be, etc... Not everyone's goals and personalities are aligned.

I agree with bagsnshoo. You all may need time apart to determine these things and find out what's important. What's important now may not be what's important 20 years from now. Childhood friendships are important, they also tend to find their way back to you as you get older. Hang in there, sweets! Your friends just need to sow their professional/personal oats, so to speak.

 

[Blue824]

Thankfully my good friends aren't like that! BUT I think it can be a little hard when you're graduating and there are lots of changes and people are unsure of what is happening in their lives. Now, on the same note, I don't think I was like this to my friends, but when I was sort of in the limbo between graduation and the real world, sometimes it was hard to hear friends constantly talk about thier professional achievements or hear how focused they were. Just makes one wonder, why haven't I found out exactly what I want to do and can get hard and annoying to listen to...

And then... like pursemama said, I guess I'm that girl to someone I used to be friends with.. I am tired of sugar coating and just want to be honest instead of telling her what she wanted to hear even if it was wrong, and I know she hates it... but like, we've grown apart and our relationship isn't the same and I can't really "deal" with some of her issues anymore, like I've grown up and she her life is seemingly something out of a high school soap opera. Not saying you have issues, but I"m just saying what brought that side out in me.

 

[Danica]

I have a friend who is especially like that. I believe she became like this once we got into our 20's. There are so many changes, we live in different countries now, we're both on our way to a career, but neither are there yet and there are alot of ups and downs for the both of us. So if she's feeling down, and I talk about the good things in my life, or the fun I've had...even if I talk about my weight she'll become a bit catty...also underhanded. I don't brag, because quite frankly, there's not a whole lot to brag about at the moment lol but I like to think I'm sensitive to her. She's not always like this, but it happens. I usually just ignore it and wait for things to get back to normal. Although sometimes I have a shorter fuse and call her out on it.
I find that things usually work better when I'm more giving and listen. So maybe hold off on the things in your life, and talk about her and ask her questons and try to be completely altruistic. Some friends are more high-maintenance then others.

On the other hand, the same girl can go on for hours in detail about her work which bores the crap out of me; at which point I usually tune out. I try and change the subject constantly and it doesn't work. I'm pretty good about knowing when I've bored someone to death...others just don't catch the tone. haha I don't even know what I'm talking about anymore.

In conclusion, some friends can be extremely competitive and you have to adjust a bit to their needs and be the bigger person.

 

[diva lee]

I'm not sure if it's more of a 20s issue so much as a coming of age issue. I agree that as we get older, oftentimes we become more blunt or competitive as a way of survival. You don't however, have to put up with someone that brings you down, is overly negative, or seems to be jealous of your accomplishments. I have had to let two important girl friends go because of similar issues.

One has become so self obsessed that it's nearly impossible to listen to her for more than a few minutes. She continually talks of herself only and brags about how much money she's gonna make when she finishes grad school. She's obsessed with her boyfriend (soon to be fiance if everything works out) and doesn't let you get a word in. If you do happen to blurt out something over her endless chatter, and it happens to be something positive about your life, she'll just ignore your statement and move on. It's so frustrating that I had to cut her loose. I hate when people can't be happy for others.

The other friend I mentioned had similar underhanded comments and would try to top anyone in the group that had achieved something. She could never be outdone and always had to have the last word. It was soooo frustrating.

Anyway, sorry to drag on. I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone and that finding your place in the world as a twenty-something can be challenging (I'm going through it myself). Nevertheless, friends should be there to encourage you and to help relieve the growing pains, not add to your troubles. I would advise that you take a small break from these girls (although it seems like you already have some degree of separation). Revisit these friendships in a short time after you've had time to think more about it.

 

[MissV]

Hello Intl!!

dont worry your not the only one!! I am in my 20's and I am starting to notice it in the girls around me....I have to be honest I sometimes am that way to toward girls who do it to me. I think its just a part of growing up and trying to get to places and when your all lost and distorted you direct your competetion at the wrong people. Sometimes we want to grow with our friends ( and heck why not we've been growing together since god knows how long) so I think its all us learning to grow up in our own ways and learning that we are getting older and we may not end up all the same...and maybe that takes some use to getting to.....