Desperately Need Advice re DH's Friends....HELP!

  1. Gosh...I need some help guys & gals. I am absolutely at my wit's end culminated by a yucky fight between DH & I just now.

    Some background:
    We moved across the country 2 years ago for my school. Prior to moving DH & I spent all our time together....we didn't really socialize with other couples....mostly just family.
    Then we move....hubby makes a friend. This is great I initially thought because I am so busy on the evenings and weekends with school stuff, I figured the friend would keep hubby busy.

    Well two years later....I despise this friend. He comes over to our house at least 4 times a week, and stays from 5 PM on. He conveniently arrives at 5 without eating and we feed him all these days. He walks into our house without knocking on the door. He doesn't clean up after himself. He NEVER brings anything over EVER (i.e. he drinks and eats all of our food; often without asking;). He NEVER buys when we go out to dinner together. His wife is an alcoholic who has embarrassed me countless times when we have gone out as couples. In addition, on Friday night (my only night I don't have to do school stuff) I always ask hubby if he wants to do something but this *friend* is always over. So even if we do go out...this friend is always with us.

    Now some background on hubby: He is pretty lazy and doesn't like to go over to his friend's house, so he doesn't care about the food, drinks, etc. that his friend is always eating here because he figures since he won't go over there it's the least we can do.
    I disagree. I think common courtesy is to at least every once in a while bring *something* over. Hey....pick up your own dinner on your drive over instead of eating all my food (and yes, he eats & drinks what are some of my favorite foods that I buy for myself).

    In addition, hubby is one of those people who is always whipping out the money to pay....much to my chagrin. I am trying to start a concrete savings plan and am always trying to stash mad money, but when we are constantly paying for everything for this guy...the account never goes up.
    I say that *we* come first.....we need to eat before this guy needs to eat. Our family comes first.

    So big blow out today: I want to sell an ATV. Hubby & I used to ATV with really close friends where we used to live. Now we don't live there and I have absolutely no inyterest in it (never really did, but I did it to make hubby happy). Now I want to sell it because it's just sitting there. I can use that money for something better.
    Hubby does not want to sell it...guess why? So his *friend* has something to ride when they go out.
    What do I say? His cheap friend needs to go buy his own toys.

    Am I wrong? What do I do? Hubby says he feels really distant from me lately. I agree and I believe the primary reason is this friend.
  2. [​IMG]I think you are 100% right. That would be annoying, especially since you and your hubby never have alone time, no wonder everyone feels distant! Why can't you sell the ATV to his friend?! I would bring that up to hubby.

    I'm sorry you are going through this, sounds like DH needs to be a little more understanding. Also if you only have one free night a week and that friend is there? I don't think so...DH needs to step up and let him know that that night he will be spending with you...alone. You deserve it!

    Sounds to me like that friend is a bit of a mooch...don't let him take advantage. I would make comments to him stating that he could pay for once, or bring dinner home considering he's practically part of the family. Heck...he should be taking out the trash and helping with chores too! ;)

    Good luck!!
  3. Thanks Danica.....since DH disagrees with me so much about this friend I was beginning to wonder if I was really wrong!
    I suggested selling it to the friend..but again...the friend would rather just get to do things for free and not have to pay for them. AND I might add...this friend and his wife make more money than DH and I, and they don't own a home like we do (they just rent and their rent payment is 1/4 of our mortgage).
  4. Oh twiggers, I'm sorry to hear about your problem. That friend really creeped into your life like a leech!

    I have a 27 year old brother, who I love dearly, and he is very lovable and likable. BUT, he can smooch anything off anyone: food, money, time, etc. At the same time, he is very generous with money and friends. We have to constantly remind him of his boundaries and often say NO.

    I think this guy needs to hear NO from you. Your very kind DH will never say NO to him and will never agree with you...I think he (like most guys) thinks it's a confrontation and will try to avoid 'the talk' at all costs. I say he won't agree with you because he doesn't want to admit that there is a problem- because he cannot do anything about it (like talk to his friend about it.)

    I would just very nicely say NO to his friend any chance you get. When he opens the door without knocking, say something-nicely. When he opens your fridge, say hey, that's not cool, I don't do that to your fridge! But if you really have to, talk to this friend directly.

    Give your DH a hug! Don't let this creep mess up your relationship. Guys have a weird relationship with each other, sometimes. Your DH probably feels in the middle, having to choose between you and his friend, and while that's a no brainer, he cares about his friend (living with an alcoholic is...not fun.)
    And remember that if you want change, it will involve you changing a little, too. Maybe spend more time with your DH, and if his friend wants to tag along, just say nicely, sorry, but this is a special date for just the two of us!
  5. Augh, I hate to say it, but this is, as you know, really an impossible, no win situation. It has gone on for so long now, any attempt to change the behaviors are going to be met with, what's your problem all of a sudden.

    I thought of couple passive aggressive things, like not shopping for a couple of days, and being 'caught' without food and making the kids serving specific items, sandwiches, etc. Or cuts of meat like pork chops, steaks, etc and have just enough for your family....or making things you know he doesn't care for...

    But as hard as it is the best thing is talk to you husband. Try telling him you need more one on one time with him, family time etc...hint at romance, etc...then have a blast when he's not around.

    Good luck :smile:
  6. Thanks for the advice gr8!!!!!!!!! I guess I just worry a little about getting hubby upset if I say something to the friend.....with the all glares I send across the room I thought he'd get the hint! And hubby really does know how I feel about this friend.
    UGH I wish he could've found a friend whose wife I'd like (I don't really do the whole drinking scene thing and as I said before the one time I took her out with me she mortified me by embarrassing me and being totally drunk).

  7. Thanks tink! In fact I have done things like this....he hates Coke products, so I purposely buy Coke, when in fact I'm more a Pepsi person (so I'm suffering). I've also done things where I'll make dinner early so the friend doesn't eat. I've also purposely brought food home and just enough for me & hubby. And guess what the friend does? Yup...just opens the fridge and helps himself. Or hubby'll step in and say 'oh, I'll buy you some dinner'.

    I fear that one day there will be a huge blow up when the friend is around...which I know won't be pretty!

    One day I almost attacked him...I was home alone and he just walked in....I freaked out and went running upstairs with a giant flashlight ready to hit whoever it was (I knew hubby wasn't expected home for awhile). He says 'oh, I know he isn't home, I'm just going to wait downstairs' WTF!
  8. If it's bothering you a lot - and it seems it is , I suggest YOU have a talk with the friend. Hey, you're not someone who exists just to cater to your husband's friends when they turn up. You have a tight schedule, studies, schoolwork etc and you only have a limited time to do your work, and help out with the cooking and cleaning. And if this guy comes and eats the food, it means more time you have to spend cooking, more time you have to spend cleaning up after him, more time you have to shop for all the things he's eaten up.

    Suggest to him that it would be more convenient for both of you if he calls before he comes over. If he does come, try to make it sublty obvious that you resent the fact that he came over without calling. I.e. "We were JUST about to go out, but now that you're here, I guess we'll have to do OUR stuff some other day"

    If this doesn't work, you'll basically have to have a conversation when both he AND your husband are present about how you would very much prefer to have more time to yourselves, and will invite him over when you have time to spare.
  9. Uh, does he have a key? If not, you should start locking your doors.

    Could you start staying at the library to study a few days a week? That way your husband will have to take care of him. If you want to do something alone with your husband, maybe you can make plans to meet somewhere directly after school/work. That way you won't be at home when his friend stops by. You really need to have a serious talk with your husband and tell him that you would like to have some time alone with him once in a while.

    Also, could you perhaps add up all the extra grocery/food money you spend on this guy? Maybe if your husband is confronted with the numbers he will see it your way.
  10. :wtf: My goodness, this guy doesn't get how inappropriate he is behaving! You both seem like the nicest people ever, and this guy is totally taking advantage. He seems to make his own rules, too: 'I'll wait for him downstairs?' 'No, you will come back later. I'll give you a call when he gets home. Thanks, see you later, Bye!' Add a little chain thingy to your door and get back your key!

    This guy does not get glares or stares. Nope. He sounds too self-absorbed. And you guys are nice people who are very considerate and like to give and share! Don't worry, people like him will not be offended when you say no. They will just try to get their way next time. Like a puppy. But you have to keep reminding them... I know it's easier said than done, but start slowly.

    Next time, after he eats your food, give him a sticky listing the soda products he likes, and other items he has taken and that he needs to replace. He can pick those up after work. Or (with a big smile) ask him that you really crave ____ and that he needs to bring it next time he visits. Although that may encourage him to stay or move in with you, but he needs to help out $$$.

    Maybe another strategy is to not show him you dislike his presence, but be very nice and kind. That way he will contribute $ and then maybe you can talk to him about not coming as often...

    You can do it!
  11. So what does his wife do when he's out at your house most nights? I'm sorry I'm not sure if you mentioned that but it seems like you need to just talk with your husband and lay the cards out on the table. I would also lock the door and if your SO is not home and he showed up I wouldnt answer the door.

    If your SO doesnt really know how you feel about his friend then you have to tell him. Part of a relationship is being on the same page and right now it seems like you are both in different books.
  12. Thanks for the advice all.....he doesn't have a key, but rather the door was unlocked that one day (and hubby leaves the door unlocked on days he is coming over).

    The friend's wife is an while he is here she is sitting at home drinking (apparently she downs a bottle or two of wine every night while sitting at home) maybe he is really unhappy in his marriage and that's why he is always over.

    I may do that idea of adding up exactly how much he eats every week/month and presenting numbers to the hubby.
    Hubby is aware that I am REALLY angry about all the lunches hubby buys him at work...and apparently hubby was buying lunches about 70% of the time. DH recently told me that he told his friend it has to start being there's something I guess.

  13. I could stay at school....but honestly it's MY house...and plus I have a dog, so I like to come right home in the afternoons to spend time with the doggie/let him out.
  14. This is a tough triangle. You have my sympathy!

    My friend has the same problem. His wife spends every evening on the phone with her GF. And they visit in person on weekends. GF's hubby got so sick of it he left her!

    Can you stage an intervention with you, DH, and a counselor? If you found a neutral third person trained in marriage counseling, then your DH might start to see what is really going on: his marriage is being destroyed.

    The counselor / church official should have college training in counseling. I wouldn't ever consult anyone that did not have a MA or PhD in psychology and was fully licensed. A "relationship coach" could easily make everything much worse.

    Good luck!
  15. I would give your DH an ultimatum, of sorts. Let him know that either he has the talk with his friend... or you do. Someone needs to address the situation, and if the friend has no idea that he is not welcome - why would he change his behavior? You never know, it could turn out well... at least it would be nice if the guy only came over 1-2 nights per week, knocked, and ate dinner beforehand. Either way, he needs to be told that he is crossing boundaries.