Daily Log of an Anoretic

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mysilentundoing

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Jan 12, 2009
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#1
This is my first post, and i am not quite sure where it belongs. I am 20 years old and have been battling anorexia/bulimia for about 9 years. I am currently at a healthy weight for my height, but i hit my low weight 1 1/2 years ago. i was 104lbs and i am nearly 5'7". that is a BMI of 16.3.

my ultimate goal weight is 85lbs. that is a BMI of 13.3. i believe that i would have already met my goal, if it wasnt for starting school and meeting my current boyfriend. he is the best thing that has ever happened to me. when we first started dating, i was still restricting and purging after everything i ate. later on i no longer felt the need to do either of these things. he sort of filled the void i had. lately i have been having thoughts of restricting and purging. i feel so disgusting at this weight and i feel so ugly and unworthy of any affection or love from anyone.

i decided to start a log/journal that i will update daily. i will try to update daily. in the journal i will include my food intake, morning and night weights, exercises, feelings, etc.

so, today:

my leftover chinese food. all of it....horrible way to start, i know.
i purged everything. i weighed myself before i ate, after i ate, and after i purged. after i purged, i weighed less than before i ate. its the first time ive purged in months.

im going to the store now. i need to buy laxatives. i have some here, but my bf has them in the cupboard and he knows how much is in there. i hope they have cherry flavored. the mint and strawberry are foul.
 
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#2
So sorry you are battling this..have you told your family? does your boy friend know? I know it would help you if you had counseling..you really really need to be under a doctor's care...is this an option for you?
 
#3
i'm glad you have someone who cares about you and makes you feel loved. however i think the "void" that you feel he fills is very dangerous in that he shouldn't be the one filling it in for you. you really need to figure out what this void is and why you look at yourself the way that you do. you need to talk to someone you know and trust about these issues.

it makes me feel sick and sad that you are doing this to your body. you are still young but you are aging your body very, very quickly because you are treating it so poorly.
 
#5
EMMY thank you. my parents both know... they found out when i was in high school. my friends told them. i have seen psychologists and psychiatrists. i used to travel an hour each way to see my therapist each week.

plumaplomb i've tried to fill the void so many times with different things. when i was in gymnastics, it worked for a while. before, whenever i would get a new bag, i would be "cured" for a few weeks. then, my parents and therapist told me that i couldnt go away to school until i had gained 15lbs. so i did. when i got to school, everything fell apart for a while. i didnt have a scale, so im not sure how much i weighed, but everyone tells me that i looked like i was at my lowest.
 
#6
I know this is a very sensitive topic, but because of liability we can not allow this here. I hope you can find the help you need to be healthy and happy, inside and out.
 
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