Dad's verbal abuse.......

  1. My father lives with me a few months of the year. For some reason he is always on my case. I really feel sick and I think it is getting to me more that I thought. Since I work from home he feels I need to do anything he wants to do NOW.....and seems to get angry if I tell him to wait. He barks orders at me from the moment I get up, from things like "get the paper for me", not please or thank you. Something is always wrong with the food, the tea is too cold, the spoon is the wrong size. My kids are picking up on the way he talks to me and can not understand it. Yesterday I said good morning to him and he did not answer me. My daughter said Mommy said good morning to you and he did not reply. He seems to always make these nasty comments to me and critisize me but for some strange reason I feel like it is better to not reply because then he will get worse. My daughter has been sick with stomach problems for months and we are going to specialists and getting her to eat is a problem because her stomach always hurts, then in school they did this food program and she now looks at calories on everything, so she is like " I can't drink apple juice because it has 100 calories". So when she finally does eat and she is a healthy eater--lots of fruit, he will make a comment on how can she eat two apples that she is not skinny and has meat on her bones. She is on the thin side and the last thing I need is the start of a eating disorder because he is going to make her think she is fat. He despises fat people. My daugher is hard to fit because she is tall and thin and everything on her waist is too big except elastic waist clothing so I am angry he is starting with her because she is too smart and takes it all in. I tell him to leave the kids alone and she literally does not want anything to do with him.
    The one thing that does me in is verbal abuse. I am pretty good at saying stuff to other people except some family members.....he is one of them. What makes me mad is that I go out of my way to make his stay comfortable, I make him special foods, can't tell you how many times I take him out to eat (his favorite thing to do) and he talks to me like crap. He keeps preaching to me how my sister is God, and how wonderful she is, right she works till 9-10 pm and he has to reheat all his meals which are take out or frozen because she does not cook and she usually goes away on weekends and leaves him home alone. I know he would never say anything to her because she is so perfect and works so hard. I try to respect my Dad but as the weeks go by I feel like I am sinking. I really don't know what to do. My husband is shocked at how bad he treats me but he doesn't treat my husband that great and my husband tells him to mind his own business and he avoids him as much as he can. I have taken to going back to my room all morning (which is OK since my office is in there). Let's also say I have a new hobby, I have perfected the art of ironing clothes since he has been here. I have more scented linen waters and spray starch and the closets are now all organized with everything ironed...haha. Dad treats my brother bad too but he would never do this to my SIL so it is frustrating and doing me in....
    Any help or suggestions, I do not do well with conflict.
  2. Time to say bye bye DAD....Noone deserves that crap..He shouldnt be welcome in your house if he acts like that.
  3. I would be kicking DAD to the curb. Or better yet, take him to the Old Country Buffett, and leave his mean ass there!!
  4. :yes::yes::yes::yes::yes::yes::yes::yes:
    Im sorry to hear this...
  5. I'd do that if I were in the OP's shoes.
  6. I'm sorry you are going through this...with parents it's always hard, because there are feelings of guilt, and hurt and all kinds of conflicting thoughts. But I do agree, I would tell him he is not welcome in your home, and if he enjoys the company of your SIL so much he should stay there instead, and that he is a negative influence on your children.
  7. ITA!
  8. I am so sorry you are dealing with this. I don't why he lives with you for such a long time each year, but it has to change. He has no right to treat you so badly-you are his daughter, not his servant and you should not be receiving the verbal abuse. You know this is affecting you badly and it can be affecting your daughter--please, please, please for all your sakes, get him out of your home and have as limited contact as possible with him. He is toxic!

    Parents can work on our feelings of obligation and guilt, but don't let yourself be manipulated. Your priority is you and your family!

    Conflict may be inevitable to get him out of your home. where does he live the rest of the year? Does he have an apt. or home? Tell him this is not working out, no discussing it or promises that he will try to do better, he has to leave. You are being affected by this and so is your daughter. Your marriage will be better without him there.

    Be strong--some here for support as often as you need. Best wishes!
  9. ^^^couldn't have said it better.

    Sorry for your pain, you shouldn't have to deal with that.
  10. gillianna, you don't deserve this. Nobody deserves this. I'll never understand why people sometimes treat loved ones worse than they would complete strangers. Maybe in his mind, it's some sort of test to see how much you love him, based on how much abuse you will tolerate? Or maybe he's just mean.

    Whatever the cause, it's not good for you or your husband, and it sets a bad example for your kids. I'd suggest sitting him down and telling him outright that if he cannot act like a civil, polite human being and use basic courtesy, he will need to go live somewhere else. It's that simple. Life is too short to put up with that!
  11. Don't put him over your children. It will have lasting effects. Tell him to change or he has to go. Be prepared for the latter.
  12. I am so sorry you are going through this! No one deserves that type of treatment! You are doing your best at making him comfortable, and he is treating you guys like that? No, I really think you should have a conversation with your dad, or talk to your siblings about it. I t is not fair that he treats you and your family liek that!
  13. Gillianna, the first and most important thing you can do in this situation is TELL your father how he is making you feel and ASK him why he treats you that way. I know 1st hand how hard it is to confront a father like that (it took me 37 years) and I also know that once you do, it is so liberating and makes you feel so much better inside about yourself and your relationship with him.

    What you must not do is place any of the blame on yourself or look at this as if it is YOUR problem. It is HIS problem. The way that he deals with any other person as well as his own emotions are HIS problem and choices.

    On the other hand, I don't know his history, but he could be feeling like he is a burden to you and your sister and feel insecure about that. Sometimes when people feel they are burdoning other people they can become hostile and seem ungrateful because they feel they have to rely on others and this is very hard for them.

    You absolutely should tell your father that his treatment of you is making you feel very bad inside and you do not want to live that way in your own house. Ask him, do you love me, dad? Yes? Then let's try to find a better way to deal with each other, would you do that for me? And take it from there. I know, know, know, how hard and scary that first attempt to talk is...but I am telling you, YOU will feel so much better after you have let him know how he is making you feel. It takes all of the guilt, pressure, and stress off of you and puts it into his corner.

    Good luck with this situation, I hope that it will get better for you.
  14. not to tell you how to live your life

    but I agree with other people as a resident of your home your father is not contributing positively which is a shame

  15. I'm SO sorry this is happening to you :sad:
    The most important thing is you should tell him how you feel and how he's hurting you. have your husband there to support you. I know it might be hard but you have to do it.

    You have to make it all clear to him. and if he is still rude with you and your family tell him you're sorry but he's not welcome in your home anymore until he can RESPECT all of you. remind him of all the things you have done for him and tell him how you appreciate him raising you etc but that he's really hurting your feelings and that you want a good bond with him.

    Just let it all out. you never know..he might wake up and smell the coffee. *hugs*

    Sorry to hear about your daughter, I hope she feels better about herself soon..

    Wishing you the best of luck!