cliques/feeing you dont fit in

[pink princess]

this post is inspired by the dear open letters thread. Somebody posted that they felt that the world was one big clique and they felt they didnt fit in. So many people posted (including me!) that they felt that way. I always thought this was just a problem I had and so now realise that there are other ladies just like me, so I thought I would start a thread/discussion for everybody feeling like this to try and share expieriences and make everybody feel a bit better about themselves. Not sure it will work but anyway, I will go first and share my experence.

I have always felt that I dont particulary fit in anywhere (from school to college) and I honestly thought once you reach adult hood people would grow up and things chance. I have many friends/aquaitences that I have good times with or get along with as individuals and ealier in my mid-late twenties was never really concerned but as a result of getting married abroad a few years ago, I invited all these individual friends on a holiday to join our wedding and they all become friends, which was great, but now they have formed a clique(mainly the women!) 2 years down the line!!!

I really dont like the dynamics it takes on and despite the group having one of my closest friends in it , I now always feel like the outsider. I have noticed that no matter what there will always be one person that the group takes a dislike to or talks about behind their back and it drives me mad, and so I have ended up distancing myself from them.

The biggest thing is my SIL is like the ring leader, what she says goes and everybody falls into line for her, she has quite a dominant personality as well and if she wants something to happen such as five different nights out for her birthday which was a bit extravegant: it happens (along organising things for the girls to do which I have been left out of and felt really upset in the past)
I feel like it depends who is in favour with her, as to how you get treated.

I could turn up in a new dress for an evening out or wearing something new when I go to her house or for an evening out and she will never complment me, but will do all the other girls (who are in favour of course!) they will get compliments as to how fab they look or called affectionate names on social networking sights.

I always feel like I have done something wrong or something to upset them, I always get laughed at and mocked for buying chanel nail polish and "wasting money" yet most of them will go and do the same thing themselves, just other brands, and then it is fine for them. I got told last year when on vacation in America I was wasting money buying a tiffany silver ring, and yet they would spend the same amount on perhaps a dress or pair of jeans which is fine, thats the choice I make, so why should I be treated different?

I dont know, and not sure if this thread is appropriate but thought it might help people who feel this way?? I hope it does

 

[Izznit]

I used to feel the same way!

In HS there was just so much DRAMA, I had no time for that. People were always trying to fit in, and always talking behind one another's back like you said. There was a group of girls I hung around, we were all really close. There was this girl who kept leaving the 'group' to hang out with her BF and whenever she came round, she would hug EVERYBODY but me. It bothered me because she did it so blatantly. It wasn't the fact that I felt rejected, it just bothered me how rude someone could be! I would never do that, atleast ACKNOWLEDGE me with a nod or a 'hey' would suffice, you know?

Well eventually, she left the 'group' and everybody trash talked her because she was 'fake'. And these were dear friends of hers who grew up together!

I didn't realize how some people could just change so quickly, and it irked me. I didn't contribute to the trash talking because I didn't know her, and since that was ALL they talked about, I wasn't always in on the conversation, so I began to feel kinda left out. They would call each other to hang out, complain, and I would just think I had better things to do anyway (which was true).

Doesn't help that I would go to school, and my friends would comment on the price of my bag. They would say the same as yours did, "i could by this and this for the price of your bag!" or "wow, for that price I hope it's REAL LEATHER" (biotch please, of COURSE it's real leather ) They didn't know the price, but because they THOUGHT it was expensive, they even started labeling me!!!! That greatly contributed to my being left out of my 'group' even more. Last thing I thought would be that they would turn on me!

I left them. I had better things to do, didn't need so much negativity around me. I didn't want to feel pressured to be a certain way or feel uncomfortable with people who I SHOULD be comfortable with.

As I got older and started hangin' round college folks, I thought things would change, people would be more mature, they're even worse!!! So I distanced myself.

ANYWAY, I realized that cliques and groups are just part of life, whether we want to admit it or not, or whether we like it or not. I decided I wasn't going to let this whole 'not fitting in' thing get to me, because in the big picture, I wasn't being rejected, THEY were being rejected by me.

I want to be myself with people who I enjoy being in company with. If that means being with no one or only hanging around people for a certain amount of time, so be it.

I have a few friends now, and we're just one big group. No trash talking, we all love each other. I think it just takes a while before you find your 'homies'.

Don't let what they say bother you or get to you, you're better than them! Don't stoop to their level, and find some 'homies'!

I hope what I said made sense...

 

[Dawn]

I think i know what you are saying. but honestly - your SIL sounds like a terribly high-maintenance person and i would not want to spend that much time with her. i have a hard time with super-dominant personalities and tend to usually hang back too. i think you need to stand up for yourself. they are absolutely wrong for mocking you but if you don't stand up for yourself, they may think you don't mind it. be consistent and be firm with them. we can only be treated poorly by people if we allow them to treat us poorly...we decide who we spend our time with.
your SIL sounds like the chick from Mean Girls.
i see the cattiness amongst female coworkers but have been VERY lucky with my group of friends. We've all known each other for 11+years and while there are misunderstandings or arguments sometimes, the whole group will not turn on someone because of it, ya know? We let the people involved deal with it and everyone else carries on as usual.
i hope you know that you SHOULD NOT be treated differently. your friends should love you and respect you for who you are. not for what you buy or spend your money on...that's just crazy.

 

[Dawn]

I have a few friends now, and we're just one big group. No trash talking, we all love each other. I think it just takes a while before you find your 'homies'.

Don't let what they say bother you or get to you, you're better than them! Don't stoop to their level, and find some 'homies'!

I hope what I said made sense...

ITA Izznit!!!! I love the homies part. SO TRUE.

 

[boxermom]

Yeah, I have always felt I didn't fit in, didn't know how to act. Being around other people seemed to be easier and natural for others , but was always so hard for me, like I missed school on the day they taught that part about life!

I now know that much of it comes from my dysfunctional family. My role models weren't normal acting adults and had poor coping skills. So I'm still figuring out how to be a grown-up and I've had to learn from other adults, not my family.

Regarding people who engage in cliques: some of it is part of growing up, but when you continue to do it in adulthood and put others down, I feel it's out of some insecurity they have themselves. To feel ok about themselves, they need to make others "less than". Another factor is that some people simply cannot feel empathy for others. For example, I would not say something cruel to someone because I know how that feels and I don't want to have them feel that way. Some people don't have that ability (or maybe just don't care?).

 

[k2sealer]

I dumped all my friends that I had in HS because of this. Of course this was 20+ years ago. I hung out with them for a couple of years after HS, but it became too much drama. I miss the closeness of having a really close female friend that I can talk about anything with. But I don't miss the cattiness and being willfully excluded. The final straw for me with two particular friends was when we were all at a small party together. The two of them would leave the room whenever I would come in. There were many many other catty snotty comments and attitudes along the way. One good thing about having rotten friends though. Before I was kinda a push over and would let people get away with stuff like that. For a year or two I worked on telling them I didn't appreciate XYZ behavior towards me. I started out having to tell them way after it happened, then bit by bit learned how to say stop when they were doing it. Forced me to grow up and say something wasn't right in the moment instead of going along with it and being resentful later.

It's weird because I've looked up several of the old friends on one of those HS class reunion websites. The group that I used to hang out with are still all friends and live within the same geographic area. I haven't attended any of my HS reunions because of that. Individually I wouldn't mind seeing them again. Just not as a group because together they tend to pick one person to exclude and make feel like an outsider.

I've noticed this exclusionary behavior in quite young girls. I babysit at church and noticed that when the girls turn about 5 years old start ganging up and excluding someone else. If there are 3 girls, 1 will get excluded. It doesn't seem to matter how many girls there are in the room, 1 will always get excluded. Hmmm. I wonder if there are any psychological studies about this behavior?

 

[SunnyFreckles]

I felt that way until I was about 20. HS was a very bad experience for me, thank God I realized soon enough that I didn't want to fit in to all that crap!

So sure, I was alone for a long time. But I will never forget. It was my senior year. I stayed home the night of the Homecoming game. That was a big deal for my town, but I wasn't into it. As soon as the game was over, I was getting a knock on my door. It was weird because my parents and sister had gone to the game and I thought maybe they had forgotten their keys. Nope. It was the head cheerleader at my house telling me I had 30 minutes to get ready to be her date to the Homecoming dance. Seriously?! That was cool. In fact, I just had a dream about her the other night...that was 11 years ago...

Since school and college I have had tons of people in and out of my life that have hurt me, and that have surprised me. I am very social now and sometimes just have to be careful not to mix my friends in certain social settings. I have had to learn that the hard way sometimes, but at the end of the day, I am sure that I am surrounded by people that love me, and people that let me love them.

 

[BasketballCourt]

I'm in high school now, so yeah I can relate to the whole clique-y thing! I don't belong to one. I have some artsy friends, some sporty, some bookworm-y, etc. I told my mom the other day that I can't wait until college/work so I could get away from the cliques, but she pointed out that they still occur there. I guess I shouldn't really care about cliques, as long as I have friends that like me for me.

 

[boxermom]

I'm in high school now, so yeah I can relate to the whole clique-y thing! I don't belong to one. I have some artsy friends, some sporty, some bookworm-y, etc. I told my mom the other day that I can't wait until college/work so I could get away from the cliques, but she pointed out that they still occur there. I guess I shouldn't really care about cliques, as long as I have friends that like me for me.

I like your attitude! The great thing about college is there will be some people there that you have things in common with and people who are very different and you can learn from each other. Much better than high school. Will you be going to a college/university with sororities?

 

[bagnshoofetish]

yuck. as you age, you will become much more selective about who you choose to be friends with. there is no need to fit in with any clique or group. the only need you have is to find a person or persons you are compatible with. why try to fit in with people you don't get along with? its wasted energy. along the path of life you are going to make many friends from different backgrounds and walks of life. they don't all have to know each other. but as you collect them through time, you may want to bring everyone together for a bbq or something of that nature so those people can meet each other and make new friends as a result. trust me, when you enter your 40s you will no longer give a rats ass over who likes you and who doesn't. all you will care about are the friends who treat you well and who you enjoy being with and will cherish that. When I was younger I thought I had to change who I was to fit in somewhere. Now, people have to accept who I am and if they don't, I don't need them. Life is too damn short!

 

[mellecyn]

Yeah, I have always felt I didn't fit in, didn't know how to act. Being around other people seemed to be easier and natural for others , but was always so hard for me, like I missed school on the day they taught that part about life!

I now know that much of it comes from my dysfunctional family. My role models weren't normal acting adults and had poor coping skills. So I'm still figuring out how to be a grown-up and I've had to learn from other adults, not my family.

Regarding people who engage in cliques: some of it is part of growing up, but when you continue to do it in adulthood and put others down, I feel it's out of some insecurity they have themselves. To feel ok about themselves, they need to make others "less than". Another factor is that some people simply cannot feel empathy for others. For example, I would not say something cruel to someone because I know how that feels and I don't want to have them feel that way. Some people don't have that ability (or maybe just don't care?).

I SO can relate to this !!! Now I even have to read books about "what is normal ?" like where are the boundaries of what is acceptable and what isn´t....and listen to your gut feeling. It´s a real hard work to do in an adult age, I envy the others who learned from normal role models.
OP : your SIL does seem self absorbed, and a strange leader....I wouldn´t hang out with these women, you need to find people you truly want to be with !...and also set your boundaries. It´s not fine they criticize your choices, meaning you.
Being in a clique, part of a group is not negative, most people feel more comfortable hanging out with similar ppl (I mostly hang out with Designers, naturally)

 

[Bitten]

I have to tell you, it doesn't matter how old you are, people are always going to try to fit you into a box. And if you don't fit, they'll try to punish you. Right now, I'm back at uni planning to study medicine. Most of my 'peers' are astonished that instead of getting married and having a mortgage, I'm choosing at least 6 - 10 years of poverty and hard work. They have a problem with it, it's too weird for them. And we've been out of high school for nearly 10 years now.

 

[GirlFriday]

I used to feel that way in middle school and highschool. Leaving my hometown and moving out, helped me mature and really gave me more confidence. I also made some of the best friends I had ever made in my life. When I went back home several years later I would still see the popular girls from my highschool being clique-ish and I honestly thought it was funny that they were still in that frame of mind.

Someone told me one time that you make the most valuable friends when you just don't worry anymore about what people think. And that makes sense because then you're just being yourself...people can take you or leave you.

Now when I see women that are clique-ish, I don't try to be part of their club. I'm nice to them but I just do my own thing. If they like me, great, and if they don't, I don't sweat it.

 

[pink princess]

thanks to all your replies to the thread, it is interesting to see other peoples perspecives

..

Since school and college I have had tons of people in and out of my life that have hurt me, and that have surprised me. I am very social now and sometimes just have to be careful not to mix my friends in certain social settings. I have had to learn that the hard way sometimes, but at the end of the day, I am sure that I am surrounded by people that love me, and people that let me love them.

Sunnyfreckles: I feel that one of the worst things that could have happened for me personally was that my wedding caused such a big mix of social circles that threw all these people together and at first I was really pleased these people all got along, for me personally it has turned into a nightmare where people who were really good friends of mine before this, I have seen another side to them and I dont like what I have seen or how some people are treated.

I have to say it is very awkward at times and sad, my SIL was my maid of honour and is very close to my husband and his only sibling, so whilst I do avoid her now and cant bear the drama, I do have to try and get along with her for his sake, in the past I always got along with her and in the past we have had a lot of fun times (although there were warining signals in the past) so I feel it is sad.

What I feel causing the main problem with her though is that she likes to be popular and centre of attention. I think she is insecure her self and now through my husband will invite herself to other things we do without the circle of friends: making sure I dont know until the last minute which is very strange. An example of this is that my husband, brother and my brother's best friend support a soccer team and always go together and go out for a beer or two after the game, the last match she came along with one of the other girls, I am not sure why she did this (she said it was too cheer our other friend up who has not had a good time lately) but she proceded to get abit drunk and make remarks about how the bar we were in was boring and wanted to go somewhere else, she also let our friend go home alone and stayed with us, which considering the whole thing was to cheer her up, I thought was strange. I didnt understand the whole thing.
There are other puzzling things she has done to me that I know are strange and I find it bizzare that when I do things without them she wil find a way to be there or when I have done thing with other friends outside the circle like go the cinema to see a movie, it is turned around that I have been funny for doing so


Boxermom: I now know that much of it comes from my dysfunctional family. My role models weren't normal acting adults and had poor coping skills. So I'm still figuring out how to be a grown-up and I've had to learn from other adults, not my family.

I can relate to this too and often wonder how much of this is a problem for me mentally, where as other people wouldnt even let it bother them or think it is just normal

 

[lily25]

I've noticed this exclusionary behavior in quite young girls. I babysit at church and noticed that when the girls turn about 5 years old start ganging up and excluding someone else. If there are 3 girls, 1 will get excluded. It doesn't seem to matter how many girls there are in the room, 1 will always get excluded. Hmmm. I wonder if there are any psychological studies about this behavior?

I've noticed that with dogs. Don't laugh... In doggy play dates, if the majority of the dogs are very energetic the calm boring one is excluded and the rest will not play with him. Or the opposite, if the majority of the dogs are calm sleepy doggys they will bark at the energetic one and will not let him come near them.

I never felt any pressure from cliques, friends etc. I had a wide circle of friends (very controversial bunch) that gradually was reduced, and now I have very few good friends that we think alike, and we feel comfortable with each other.
People are mean and enjoy putting others down. That's a fact. It has nothing to do with cliques. I was very popular with the boys when I was in HS but not with the girls, so I was called a slut. When eventually I never had a relationship with any boy from my school, I was called a lesbian. It never bothered me that they tried to put me in a box, because I wasn't really in a box, I was mature enough to realize they were plain silly little kids that felt insecure about themselves. I actually had fun with all the rumors I was hearing about me. But no one ever tried to make me cry or anything, everyone was basically innocent, and secretly talked trash of me or any other boy or girl out of plain adolescent stupidity and lack of identity.

If you find your identity, then you'll feel comfortable in any situation, and you will not feel pressure to "fit in"... It's a matter of serious soulsearching and objectivity.