cheating or not? sorry- long!!

Feb 13, 2006
About a month ago I accidently stumbled on my boyfriends email account, he did not sign out and it went into it. I know I shouldn't have but I looked at it and he had emails between him and another girl, very flirtatious and talking about meeting for a date on a thursday. There were about 5 emails between them, and from what I gathered from the emails they went on that one date and then she said "I know I mentioned to you that I have a boyfriend, I don't feel comfortable seeing you again" to which he replied "i know u do, which is why i didn't try kissing you, i understand but heres my cell # in case u want to call me again". I was LIVID and told him what I think of him, that I don't trust him anymore and never want to see him again. We are about to get engaged, so we are in a very serious relationship - it's not a causal bf/gf thing.
His explanation was first that he never even went on the date, it was his friend that went on the date because they know her and her bf, and wanted to get her 'caught' cause they don't like her. Then he changed it to that he DID go on the date with her to 'test' himself but nothing happened, and that it isn't cheating b/c nothing happened. Well, I know nothing happened from the emails but intimate emailing and going on even one date in my eyes is cheating. But anyway, I slowly forgave him after a few days of roses, 'im sorry' signs' and begging that he loved me etc.
It is still really hard for me to forget though, and as much as I tried not to, I checked his email again today :shame:. I was out of town a couple of weeks ago and came back last saturday. That night he came over to my house, then said he was going home to get changed and sleep over at mine. On that saturday night he never came over because he said he "helping out my friend who got robbed, and went to the precinct with him since my cousin is a sergeant there". He texted me from his house at 4am that ngiht saying he just home home from the the precinct. That night also one of his female friends (and briefly his ex-gf) was throwing a big party. Anyway today I saw pics on my computer from the party and saw that he was there! After not seeing me for a week he ends up going to her party instead (and knowing that he won't be able to see me on sunday cause I work the whole day). and he lied and had initially told me the party was cancelled due to her mom being sick so that I guess I prob wouldnt even suspect that he may be going to that instead.
his explanation is that he went just to give her a present and left, and he did help out his friend who got robbed. He says that he didn't lie, just left things out. Well, you did lie if you said the party was cancelled!! I know they are just friends but wtf does he have to lie?
I really don't know what to think? The sad thing is, I am not even surprised that he lied - I would be more surprised if I saw the photos and he WASNT there. I feel like I trust him less and less, but it will be so hard for me to end this relationship. We are already considered by our families engaged to be married, we are supposed to 'officially' get engaged in the next months. Also, I spend most of my free time with him and we are always together so I will be soo lonely without. Not to mention that I work for his brother so that will be really awkward and we live within 10 blocks of each other.
I am sorry this is so long but I really need some advice. I am afraid the advice I will get will be to end the relationship but I feel like that is something I am emotionally not capable of doing :cry:. Someone once told me that no man is able to stay with just one woman his whole life and although at the time I told that guy off, now I am starting to believe that he was right. :sad2:
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I'm sorry but there seems to be no trust here and he seems to be taking advantage of you. If it's like this now, imagine how it will be after marriage. Don't sell yourself short. Leaving may be hard but there ARE guys out there that don't cheat and lie.

If you want to salvage this relationship, maybe you both could go to some couple's counselling to see if you can resolve the deeper issues of trust. But if he won't be honest, it's hard to see a good resolution.

I know when you're with someone so long, it's hard to imagine life without them. But that can be overcome if you still to your principles and the right guy will definitely be there to treat you the way you deserve!
I agree with Blackbutterfly, lack of trust is simply a deal breaker. Plus he has just the right answer for everything, I don't like that, it makes me suspicious, sounds rehearsed or something.
Once a liar, always a liar. He's just not being honest with what he does. I've been in your shoes and I know it's hard to trust someone after you see all of the dishonesty. My opinion/advice? Don't put up with that crap. It's not worth it. Look at what it's doing to you? Make sure to always put yourself first. If it's something you really want to work on, like varsha624 said, try going to couple's counselling.

Hang in there!!!!!
I don't subscribe to "once a liar, always a liar"...but when it gets to be "twice a liar" or "three times a liar" in a short period of time about significant things, I'd dump his a$$.
Instinctively, you already know the answer. An intimate relationship with another woman does not have to be sexual- and I consider it cheating just the same. If you truly love him, and you think this is worth fighting for- then get some help BEFORE you actually do get engaged. Otherwise, get out now before you end up married with kids in the picture. And I am sure your family will understand and be supportive of whatever you decide! Hang in there, and keep us posted! We are all here for you!
Time spent with someone like this :mad: is time wasted. Time you'll never get back. Don't stay with a liar out of convenience. You deserve better.

It's hard but better now than when you accidentally catch him red handed with some woman while you're toting around your brand new baby or something *shudder*

Ask your friends for support, make a clean break and talk to a counselor anyway, for yourself and the support.

Relationships are like friendships- you are friends with people who make you feel good, you enhance each other's lives. Would you even be friends with a female GF knowing you couldn't trust her and she was lying to you? You'd always have that underlying feeling that the relationship was not as important for her as for you. Why let any man get away with it? So much more at stake. Sorry..hope this works out for you!
I know that you are all right and in my heart I know that I should get out before we are married and with kids, because I don't think he will ever change. I will really have to work up the courage to get out of this relationship and convince myself that I have it in me to get out. Its hard esp since I thought we would really end up together. I fell in love with him at first sight and after we finally out went 6 months later, I told my friends that this was the guy I am supposed to marry after the first date :cry:. I guess you never know what the future holds in store for you. Thank you all for your support
coco-nut said:
I don't subscribe to "once a liar, always a liar"...but when it gets to be "twice a liar" or "three times a liar" in a short period of time about significant things, I'd dump his a$$.

I suppose "once a liar, always a liar" is not always the case. However, through my experiences... the statement stands true. It took me a couple of years to finally stand up for myself when it comes to guys who lie. *sigh* guys... always causin' trouble. LOL!
you don't need to be with someone that lies to you, goes on dates with other girls (and he was definately cheating, no way it was innocent), and parties with his ex girlfriend. there are so many wonderful guys out there, and i know it'll be hard at first (i've been in a similar situation with my last boyfriend), but you don't know what you can find until you free yourself up to look.
I have thought about my reply to you for a little bit here before posting.
A relationship is very dificult no matter what, but when other factors are thrown in such as what you have shared it becomes more complex. I would never tell you what to do, but this by no means is a man who wants to be engaged and then married any time soon. HIs behavior is not of a man who cherishes you and would be afraid of losing the one he loves.
I really think you have to ask yourself if you really deserve what you are receiving and if this is what you want in a man that you will be engaged and then married too. When men start this behavior it is rare it happens once. I am afaid this will be continual and if not that maybe he just isn't man enough to tell you, but he may not want to be in the relationship and he wants you to get so angry that you will break it up.
Trust me when I tell you I have been through it all. I feel I am one of the older ladies on this forum. It is not worth it to be abused like you are and you are being abused. There will be a MAN and I capitalize MAN that will come in your life and you will see that he truly is different than anyone you have ever dated. It will all flow freely in your relationship and you will be placed quite high on a pedestal. PLease don't settle for fear of being alone. PLease don't put up with excuses. For a change, put yourself first and trust it will be all ok if you choose to walk away.

Best of Luck.