buying a house, etc. want feedback

  1. Hello all,

    I was hoping to get some feedback regarding a current issue I have.. this post will be long so I apologize now..

    as I have mentioned in my previous posts, I am currently a grad student who is in Sac-town for my internship...I am planning on moving back to Washington (Bellevue area) this coming july.. my bf and I were planning to renting an apt when I move back and initially, that was plan.. he applied for a home loan and was approved so to make the story short, he decided to just buy a house (well a condo really)... all of this happened in less than 2 weeks..

    now, because his lease is also almost up (he needs a new place beginning of July), he has decided to just look for homes.. since I am not in WA to help in looking out for places, he has done this mostly with the help of a friend realtor.. now here is my problem, he just made an offer to a place (2 bedroom condo), did not bother to consult me, and when he told me about it, told me about it several hours later, and when I asked him about it, "Its not like u can do anything about it either" was the response I be honest, I was so pissed with this comment but I tried to be practical coz I am not there at all..

    and although it is a nice place, I am not feeling the place..I think it is too small for us (I use to have a two bedroom apt, most of my stuff r left in WA and I am throwing away some of my things here in Sac-town coz I could not bring it back).. but still, the place will be small... he kept on making remarks that it will be just temporary and that we will be getting something bigger once I have a job as well n that if we stay in this house, probably 2 yrs tops n then just sell it... but still, I just was not feeling it..

    as mentioned earlier, I am still a student n planning on finishing my dissertation when I go back to WA and thus, will not be contributing much to the home purchase... actually, I am barely gonna be able to give him money for the monthly rent when I get there (I insisted to give some money even if I haven't gotten a job yet coz I would not feel good living in a place I didnt even pay for anything)...

    so here is my question, the house has still not been sold (he has not purchased it yet).. he already made an offer yesterday, n he is waiting if they will take the offer, should I say anything? i am torn because I am not gonna be contributing to the house n my bf thinks that he has all the say on this issue, but still, i will be living there... I have been known to never shut up.. always giving my comments on everything but on this issue I do not really know what is the best way to say or do, just coz on my head, I am not paying for it....

    gals n gents, maybe u can help me out here.. thanks, n i apologize for the really long story... thanks again.
  2. How much will you be contributing? Will your name be on the mortgage? If you're actually going to be a co-owner in this real estate transaction, even if your name isn't on the mortgage (i.e., if your boyfriend can't afford it on his own and needs you to help pay for it) you need to be involved in picking out the house. I understand your boyfriend's logic, but I think he's being callous and very ignorant of your needs and feelings. He thinks it's temporary, so what does it matter, but that's not a good way to start off this new phase of your relationship, especially when 2 years can turn into 5 and then into 10 very easily, all the while you're living somewhere you're unhappy? tell him that if he wants to pay all the bills he can buy whatever he wants, and you can decide whether you want to live there or not, or he can keep you involved in the selection process and you'll be an equal partner in owning/running the house/paying the bills. It's only fair.
  3. by the way, thanks for the feedback kezza....

    my name will not be in the mortgage at all.. n thats why I am having issues with it.... he can afford the house by itself, I offered to pay for utilities n that once I have gotten a job, will be giving more for the house but till then, I will be giving not too much...around 300 to 500 a month for now...
  4. I agree with the other poster. I think this is less about him buying a house and more about control. Is he buying the condo for HIMSELF or is he buying it with you two in mind as a cohesive unit? I don't mean to offend, but it sounds like he has very different ideas about your relationship than you might. I personally would never give another person that much financial control over me. If my name was not on the mortgage or lease (and I was not also contributing financially towards it), I would not be living there. Sometimes women make the mistake of unwittingly giving men control over them. I did it when I was young and learned my lesson. I never let it happen again.
  5. I agree with u Roo in some aspects.. he says, "it is for us.." I am doing this for us.. which I am thankful of coz at least he is thinking about it.. I mean, we started thinking of renting and all of sudden, he is buying a house, and I am happy for him, it is his 1st house so I dont want to take that away from him but still, I will be living there.. last night when we were talking about it, I made several references on "gosh, this will be ur first house, I mean, a house that u will be buying on ur own" ur own house," but deep inside me, I was hoping he would correct my statements and say "but honey, it is our house" but that never happened.. yet he says, "t will be good for us".. i am not one to be controlled, he knows that.. but in this situation, I have yet to find a job and gosh, that is whats killing in a place n not having quite a say on it.
  6. My feelings are that since it's his name on the mortage, him paying the rent, ultimately it's his say about the condo. It's kind of a dick thing for him to say that it's "ours" and to not consult you, but if nearly 100% of his money, there's not much you can say.
  7. Well, you need to look at it in different ways: 1) who will be getting the house (mortgage, name of the house), 2) what will happen if you break up?, 3) are you expected to contribute something towards the house payment?

    Option 1: If it is going to be under his name and you are expected to pay, write up a written contract (or get a lawyer to) and protect your interest in that house in case you break up and you want your share of the house.

    Option 2: If your name is going to be there and you are expected to contribute (or not contribute), then get that written contract that details your rights and protections.

    Option 3: If you are not going to contribute and it is under his name, then don't say anything. You're not expected to have that house as yours.

    With that said, if it is option 1 or 2 above, then have your say in that house! You never know for sure if you will sell it or not. Plus, it will be your house for a while. You know what your bf could do? He could RENT on a monthly-basis (which is not so different than his current rent) and wait for you to get there.

    Adding: He can back out any time before signing the papers for the house
  8. I hate to say it but if your name is not going to be on the mortgage, you don't have a lot of say. Just look at it as an investment he's making and hopefully if the housing market is okay at the time he decides to sell it, he'll make a profit, you'll be making money and you'll be able to buy a bigger place. It gets sticky though if you guys are not married. You don't have alot of rights. But if you buy together like business partners, you have to treat it like a business and not get tied up in emotional issues.
    When my husband and I first got together, we were living (unmarried) in a very small 800 sq. ' space (don't know how we did it) and I did not say much but tried to make lemonade out of the lemons (KWIM) and contributed where I could; groceries, utilities, etc. When he became succesful and I was making good money, we found a great house, got married and it was all because the patience and respect for each other paid off.
  9. this is what he has initially offered. he will get the house, it will be under his name (I couldnt really be on it coz I have over 100k of student loans so will not be very smart to include my name on the loan).. he will pay for the monthly of the house and because I dont have a job, his only request that I do the housework (not all) and dont spend too much on things I dont need (I think he meant my bags more than anything else, also the eating out part)...

    because I have lived on my own for the last 6 yrs, i did not quite agree with what he offered so I said (living for free, gosh, what was I thinking???), I want to contribute but I dont have much, so I will give 300 to 500 a month for several months n that when I get a job, will be giving more.. so he said, but I am not asking u.. but i insisted, so he said, well that will be ur choice...

    now, he is getting the house, showed me pics, but when he made the offers, didnt even bother to consult with me... I just feel somewhat irate that I am not getting a say on a place that I will be living on, and calling my own as well.. we have plans on getting married, not yet soon although he has offered to marry me if I had problems living in before we move it together, coz of my student loans (didnt want him to be stuck feeling like he has to help pay off my loans) I politely declined and said, I can marry him in a few yrs....
  10. ^ That's why if she is making payments (and they are not buying the house together as Joint Tenants), then she should have a written contract

    Or just not contribute
  11. So you want to make payments towards his house. This is my next question. When you break up (if you do - and keep in mind, you will be angry with him chances are), would you be ok by the fact that you spent over thousands of dollars on his house and lose that money that you could have saved for yourself?

    Whether you will marry him later, doesn't matter. Why? Because he bought the house when you were not married. So - he buys the house, you get married, then things don't work out, and you get divorced. He gets the whole house and you lose all your investments on the house. Will you be ok (keep in mind that you will be divorcing and you will be angry) in losing thousands and thousands of dollars on a house you never got any part of?

    I'm not asking this because I'm a pessimist or I'm saying anything about your relationship. I'm telling you what WILL happen if you guys break up or get divorced later on. And I'm advising you to protect your future now and not cry about it later
  12. Bear in mind also that Washington does not have a common law marriage statute either. So if you live with someone, you have no legal status no matter how long you've been in the situation. In some states you do after a few years, but not here. That is why same-sex couples have been trying to get protections as well. There is another important thing to consider. I don't mean to be a wet blanket, but what if something happens to him? Again, you have no legal rights. His family will be the heirs to his estate and any assets he has as an unmarried man. If you have contributed one dime to that household, you have contributed to the equity in that property. If you were renting an apartment with him, you'd be on the lease, so you'd have some legal standing. In this situation, you do not and I concur with the other poster that mentioned any money you spend is pretty much considered a "gift" to him from you. If you trust this person, then go for it. I was once in this very same situation and it was a lose-lose proposition for me from the git-go. Cohabitation provides a 200 percent benefit for men but a minus 300 percent benefit for women IMO.
  13. I think very few states have common law marriage.

    I still stand by the written contract to protect yourself, even if you trust him. You cannot predict how you or him will feel in the future when you break up and are destined to lose your whole investment on a house. If he loves you, he would understand that you also deserve to be protected through a written contract, (and not just him getting all the protections because he has title to the house).
  14. totally agree. I have a friend who is going through a divorce and had to learn this the hard way! For ten years, she's been paying a quarter of the mortgage (600) on a house that is in her soon to be ex's name only and that he bought pre-marriage. She has spent $72,000 and has no legal right to any part of the house.
  15. I agree 100%. You are already feeling a little angry now and you haven't even started living with him in the house already. The number one issue couples fight about (married or not) is MONEY. I don't care how nonchalant he is right now about you paying or not paying, it is going to become an issue sooner or later.
    Get a contract going over what you guys can agree on financially and be done with it. Otherwise, it could get messy if you do break up. Guaranteed.

    P.S. you gotta let it go about not having a say in the place. you are not on the mortgage. period.