Asian parents

[vuittonGirl]

This is a good thread. It's a fact that Asian parents can get more competitive than others. Luckily, my parents don't go to the extreme. They want us to do well in school and of course pick some kinda professions in medical or law. My sister and i disappointed them by not going to med school. We are doing great now but i know deep deep down, my mom is not truely happy. She's hoping that my little brother will fullfil her dream by becoming a dentist. I hope that he does too, to make my mom happy.
Then she can brag.... lol...

 

[The KK]

High five. I like your attitude!

Screw everyone!!!

My hands up for your high five girlfriend!

Asian parents are just ridiculous. They can't be happy just having healthy children. Mother is extremely ashame of me because I am a stay at home mom and all my mother complains is that people will think all I know is to take care of my children. What's wrong with that!?! Money and a career will not bring me the happiness my children does.

My brother is a delivery man and has an account with my sister's bank and she won't allow him to walk into that branch and insist that my sister has to take on the extra burden to take care of his business so no one there knows he's a delivery man. She is extremely ashame of that.

Dear mother brags about my sister being a bank manager but in fact she is a accounts manager. My youngest brother is a computer programmer as chinese say "computah", she thinks that is the it thing to do since all the chinese mother loves talking about computuah. Computer really means nothing.

It is very unfortuante that because of the shame she has for us, I feel that we sometimes don't have the self-esteem we should have growing up. Due to these reason, all 4 of us is quite distance from her. She can't love us for what we are but rather be ashame what our profession is not.

I hold up my head high as I am very proud to be a stay at home mom. I frankly don't give a darn what people do or how much money others have.

Live your own life and just be happy the path you choose to live.

 

[ms-whitney]

I don't want to offend anyone with this post, but I just thought of this while reading a post in the money forum on bragging. Ironically, I have to brag a bit to set this up. I'm a second-generation Korean kid and I go to a good school, did well on my SATs, blah blah blah. My parents are very proud of me and they aren't very quiet about my accomplishments, to be fair. But I find that other Koreans are NOT happy for me or any other kid who does better than their kid in any capacity. When I got into Stanford, for instance, my dad's best friend for decades was seriously pissed! I hear other stories of other moms my mom knows who say things like "Oh, EVERYONE gets a 1600/2400 these days" or "Everyone gets into Harvard" and stuff like that. A friend of mine, also Asian, said her friend's mom whose daughter didn't get into Stanford implied to her that she only got in because her parents worked there. Not only did my friend also get into MIT but her parents don't even work at Stanford! I feel that whenever one of my friends or someone I know does well or has something good happen to them I feel happy for him/her and am a bit baffled by how competitive some Asians can be.
Once again, sorry to stereotype, but I do find this particularly true of the Asians I know! I'm sure there are Asian parents on here who are NOT like this at all. Anyway, though, anyone have similar experiences?

be glad your parents would praise your accomplishments, my mom among her friends love to gossip about whose daughter/son is more "bad". it's not done in a hurtful way, just embarassing, things you'd wish would go away but instead it's being instant replayed by the parents..

it's the same thing when they go out to eat, they always have to fight for the bill. i just don't understand this concept.

whenever someone compliments me or my sisters about our academic achievements, or work or our looks my mother is "humble" in the sense that she goes, nah! they're not so ____________, your _____________ is much better, at least he/she doesn't _________________________ <- embarassing replay right there!

i guess we'd never understand parents

 

[PurseNut911]

Wow. This thread brings back memories of how my parents were. I am Asian, too, and while growing up they didn't even compliment me at all for my top grades and my accomplishments. I felt that everything I did didn't matter and I was always trying to make them happy to no avail. I even was in pre-med and was ready to apply to med school. It just wasn't my calling. Banking was more my style.

It was later on when I was out of high school when I found out that my parents bragged about me to all their friends. When I was doing well in my job as Senior Operations Manager of a bank, they bragged about that, too.

When I got married, my husband and I felt that it would be best that I stay home when we have children. So I became a SAHM. To my parents, you would think I did something demeaning to myself!! When my kids were toddlers, my parents would comment that I would make such a good lawyer (blah, blah, blah) and that I should go back to school. They couldn't even see the value of my being home taking care of my kids. They couldn't comprehend that I was really very happy!

Fast forward to the present: I'm still a SAHM, my kids are teenagers, and my parents, now retired, are now proud that I have been home all this time with my children because when they see their grandchildren, they see intelligent and respectful human beings who are also scholar athletes.

After all this time, I'm glad my parents and I see eye to eye on this issue.

I'm more mature and don't give a hoot what they think I ought to be doing anyhow!!

When my parents try their little Asian competitive b.s. on my children, I actually tell my parents to stop and not do that kind of thing anymore. Funny thing is that they actually listen to me!

 

[The Snorks]

My dad is Filipino, and has pulled that same "Can't you do better?" crap on me as everyone else in this thread. When I would get a B+ in a class, he would say, "Why not an A?", and when I would get an A in the class, he would ask how many other students had an A. When my mother entered me in a beauty pageant when I was a pre-teen, he told my mom I was too ugly to win and when I actually won the pageant, he said it was because there were no other competitors. When I introduced who he thought was my first boyfriend to him, he asked him why a good looking guy like him wasn't dating a blond. When I started my current job teaching at one of the top high schools in the state, my dad was telling everyone I was working at a reform school.

My dad screwed with my head so badly that I stopped talking to him until fairly recently, when I had to have him take part in my wedding, at which, whenever someone approached him and congratulated him about my wedding, he told everyone, "Eh, what's the point? They were living together anyway."

Needless to say, I have finally learned to just take my dad at face value and not let him make me too crazy. That said, I am NOT looking forward to Christmas with my crazy father.

 

[Megs]

Interesting thread... really interesting to read all of the responses.

 

[caro..]

I have an asian mum and she always expects the highest of me. If I fail that, then she won't like me. So we argue. And whenever we argue she talks about how many things I have done wrong and how many things she has done right. The arguments are mostly caused because she loves me and wants me to achieve a lot in life so I can live happily in the future without worrying about money. But I kind of don't like how she makes me the bad person. For example, I am second in my math class. She gets mad (for a fair reason) and she talks about all the other times I have been second in any of my classes in my whole life and how I don't study enough and how she had seaweed soup when I was born (that's an old Korean saying- moms usually have seaweed soup to celebrate birth of babies and saying that means that she regrets me being born or regrets celebrating, or that I am not living up to her standards). She also talks typically about how much she works to get money and how all this is for me. I am already embarrassed and ashamed for not being top in class and she makes me feel even worse. I feel really sad after these conversations but I don't feel like I deserve to tell her that I feel sad or that I feel that it would be good if she could change. She compares me to others- how many other asian kids study for 8 hours a day when I only study for 5.
Yes, this is pretty personal, sorry about this but of course asian parents are competitive.
They just want their kid to do well and succeed in life, and it's all because they love us and they care for us.

 

[limom]

^^
Take care of yourself and be proud of your incredible achievements.
You rock!

 

[PANda_USC]

I have an asian mum and she always expects the highest of me. If I fail that, then she won't like me. So we argue. And whenever we argue she talks about how many things I have done wrong and how many things she has done right. The arguments are mostly caused because she loves me and wants me to achieve a lot in life so I can live happily in the future without worrying about money. But I kind of don't like how she makes me the bad person. For example, I am second in my math class. She gets mad (for a fair reason) and she talks about all the other times I have been second in any of my classes in my whole life and how I don't study enough and how she had seaweed soup when I was born (that's an old Korean saying- moms usually have seaweed soup to celebrate birth of babies and saying that means that she regrets me being born or regrets celebrating, or that I am not living up to her standards). She also talks typically about how much she works to get money and how all this is for me. I am already embarrassed and ashamed for not being top in class and she makes me feel even worse. I feel really sad after these conversations but I don't feel like I deserve to tell her that I feel sad or that I feel that it would be good if she could change. She compares me to others- how many other asian kids study for 8 hours a day when I only study for 5.
Yes, this is pretty personal, sorry about this but of course asian parents are competitive.
They just want their kid to do well and succeed in life, and it's all because they love us and they care for us.

I'm so, so sorry that you're going through this. I hope you know that your feeling are valid, and that you're not alone in your experience. Having grown up in an Asian household, and my dad having been at the top of his class (in Taiwan, they post rankings publicly), I understand the pressure...also, different cultural norms and expectations around the parent-child relationship. My dad was disappointed with anything less than an A (he had a terrible temper), if I did anything he disapproved of, he'd threaten to kick me out of the house, often told us kids we were worthless, and well, the only times he seemed to praise me were when it made him look good/things he could brag to his friends about (my getting into USC for undergrad and then Columbia University for graduate school).

Everything you shared sounds like a lot to deal with; you're trying to do your best, all while being compassionate and understanding towards your mom (very commendable), and it's still (or never feels like) enough. I don't imagine she doesn't like you, per se, when you don't meet her expectations, but she is perhaps disappointed because she believes she knows what is best for you and does not think you are living up to your potential. That being said, as her child, you probably want to feel loved and accepted unconditionally as you are, to feel like your mom is proud of you. Unfortunately, the way she is demonstrating her love (pushing/"motivating" you by shaming) isn't really a constructive way to motivate someone, especially by bringing up past disappointments or comparing you to others. I don't know if your mom can change, but I hope that you can communicate with her how some of the things she tells you make you feel. She may not give you the response you want or hope for, but at least you'll know you advocated for yourself, and provided her with the chance to respond differently after receiving new information from you.

I also hope that you can get to a place where you aren't ashamed of yourself, acknowledge you're doing your best, and really own, celebrate, and feel proud of yourself!