Arranged Marriage or Love Match: Where do YOU stand?

  1. We are a diverse bunch here, so some may see this topic as an emotional hotbutton, and for others, it may be something they've never really considered a subject of debate.

    But globally, it's talked about quite a lot, and people have plenty to say on both sides!

    In my view, it always comes down to the question of what marriage means to you. If you're a hardliner for the traditional-modern western view of marriage as the union of two people based on romantic love, with the goal being lifelong personal happiness, you will approach the question differently from someone who sees marriage as being about the larger extended family, tribal group, community, etc.

    Thus, the arguments in favor of arranged marriage tend to be very family-oriented, one's duty to one's parents, including the duty to produce the next generation!

    Also, advocates will cite the benefits of having one's spouse chosen by the people who know you best and love you most, have your best interests at heart, have your back like nobody else does, and also have the experience and wisdom to make a better choice than you can. In addition, you will be able to count on plenty of family support to help you with the challenges all young married couples face.

    Some may consider a "love marriage" to be both foolish and selfish, based on personal emotions, and sought for purely personal considerations.

    To love marriage proponents, on the other hand, the idea of having one's life partner chosen by someone else, even one's parents, is absurd to the point of bizarre, though many will concede that it is no easy cheese, especially at a young age, to be sure that you have found The One, and may be strongly in favor of marrying at a later age, giving both parties plenty of time to sow wild oats, and learn a bit about who they are, amass a respectable pile of discarded Wrong Ones, which process, they will argue, goes a long way toward making it easier to recognize the Right One. Parents who love them will want their happiness, and will accept their choice because that is the person that makes their beloved child happy!

    Far from considering seeking that happiness to be selfish, Team Love is likely to make the argument that people who are happy in their personal lives are much better able to reflect that joy back, and have more to give back, to family and community.

    And so it goes, ping pong balls back and forth.

    What do you think?

    What IS marriage, in your opinion? Is it about personal happiness, or family obligation?

    In the Xtreme Cage Battle of Arranged Marriage vs Love Match, which team are you on?
  2. my parents' marriage was arranged, but they are from very traditional backgrounds... i think they eventually grew to love and accept each other. but hey, it worked for them, and they've been married for nearly 30 years. when i was growing up, they rarely argued... i think they yelled at the kids more than each other... haha. several other members of my extended family also went through with arranged marriages... not all were successful, but i can only think of 3 couples that have divorced. of course, the kids of my generation (those that grew up in the US) refuse to have their marriages arranged.

    personally, i wouldn't do it. my parents would never force me into one either. but i do believe it can work.
  3. I can't even fathom having my husband chosen for me..
  4. I'm too damn picky and quirky to ever agree to an arranged marriage.

    I posted in an earlier thread how my friend's brother's marriage was arranged, and he was happy. He loves his wife and they have two beautiful kids. My friend, on the other hand, balked at the idea.

    If both partipants are actually willing to go into an arranged marriage, I have no problem with it. After all, arranged marriages are more committed versions of and other dating match sights. Again, both people have to be WILLING to go into the arranged marriage, and both people should have the option of divorcing their mate if it doesn't work out.
  5. My parents are rare in that they did not have an arranged marriage during a time when their siblings' marriages were (along with many others of their generation). As a love match, I don't think it was very successful, but they managed to make it work and I wonder if they would have been better off having been arranged to marry other people. They are unconventional but traditional, if that makes sense.

    My mom is a firm believer in fate and that whomever we're meant to marry has already been decided. As for me, I'm too American (ethnically Indian) to ever settle for something arranged, or even semi-arranged. I do want my parents' blessings, of course, but I'm open to anyone of almost any faith/cultural background.

    Someone may look fantastic on paper and you could even like him/her in real life, but I think it's too much of a gamble if a woman doesn't make the decision for herself. An Indian woman is essentially joining someone else's family, and in most cases living with them, and the woman has to make more of an adjustment, IMO.
  6. Coming from a culture where both practices are common, I have seen and experienced both sides of the story.

    I can say that many arranged marriages are successful if the parties (parents) arranging the marriage KNOW their children, the types of people they are attracted to, the things they like and dislike and are willing to discuss these issues with their children. And the option remains that if the child is introduced to someone they don't like, they can say no, they don't like this person. In that way many arranged marriages done well in my culture are somewhat like a dating service arranged by your parents, and therefore is much safer than However, both sets of parents must be very in tune with their childrens needs in a mate and must put those issues first instead of money and material issues. I have seen many, many arranged marriages work very well. I think in most of those cases both parties were willing to give and take and learn more about the other person and keep an open mind. People stepping into aranged marriages don't do so lightly either, because it implies a connection not only between two people, but two families.

    Arranged marriages in my country are more or less a result of a glorified dating service conducted by parents.

    Love marriages...that's a really vast spectrum as one person's version of love maybe much different from another's.

    Sometimes I think that arranged marriages (at least in my country!) are better because many things such as finances, who does what, who likes what things are discussed openly before marriage. So situations like "he doesn't have enough ambition", "he doesn't make enough money" occur less rarely than in the cases of people who marry for love.
  7. I wouldn't like it for myself, but I think if a marriage has to be arranged (because of culture and traditions) the parents should take into consideration what their son / daughter wants.

    An arranged marriage could be a really good thing or a really bad thing.

    I once worked with someone whose marriage was arranged and she was happy with him and they had a 20 year old daughter.

    At the same time, my parents have a friend whose sister was in an arranged marriage. Her husband turned out to be abusive and controlling and her father had to come rescue her.
  8. I am against arranged marraiges only because i come from a background where that is seen as terrible and absurd. It has worked many times before, and people learn to love each other, and accept each other,
    but when we step into the question of love marraige, and ask what marraige means, we need to delve deeper into the question, and first ask What Is Love?
    I could ramble on about polygamy, gay and lesbian marraiges, animal marraiges, and so on.
    all of these things require serious analysis.

    on the whole, it is based on what the persons will.
  9. I think that a love match can turn sour and an arranged marriage can turn into love so either is fine with me. As to power of choice, I think it really depends on every individual's culture and beliefs.
  10. Two of my friends are going to have an arranged marriage and both of them are happy with it.

    Their parents will be looking for a mate for them through their church and they will have the opportunity to met the person before they get married. I believe they also said that there will be a "waiting period", where the two get to know each and see if they would be able to live with one another before marrying. Both are doing it out of tradition I believe.

    Personally, I wouldn't mind either way. If it had been a tradition to have the marriages arranged in my family, I would be willing to go along with it. Arranged marriages can turn into love and countless love marriages end in brutal divorces today. It all depends on the person, their family, and their beliefs.
  11. For me, it wouldn't work. But, to each his own.
  12. I think some people might actually benefit from have someone else pick someone for them.:lol: Some people seem to have a talent for picking the absolute wrong person for themselves.

    All jokes aside, I think arranged marriages can work for some people.
  13. ITA
  14. How about single and independent? :yes:

    I don't know about other countries, but successful marriages are not that common in the US. Going through a bad one is a major financial and emotional setback. Women tend to shoulder most of the responsibiltiy of children. (I do know a few great dads, but the women still do most of the work.

    I can't afford to go through a bad one.
  15. my parents marriage was sort of arranged and they have a very firm, successful relationship. they've been together for 30 years already. i think it really depends on how well the parents know their children. my grandparents were best friends and somehow it just worked out. i always joked with my mom that she would "arrange" a marriage for me with a doctor if she had it her way :p