An Open Letter to Clutches

  1. Dear Clutches,
    I do not have you in my life by choice. I have you to bring to black-tie charity functions, because you admittedly look SOOO much more formal than my huge purses.

    I am continually disappointed in your performance. I hate having to choose among a myriad of necessities in order to accomodate your tiny size. How does one decide whether chapstick or eyedrops is more important? Or whether to bring a BlackBerry or a cell phone?

    I also don't know how to hold you properly--By the corner? Then how do I keep stuff from falling out? Like a football? That's not that feminine. From the top center? That strains my wrist after awhile and aggravates my carpal-tunnel. Nothing works properly.

    I further detest how holding you in my hand means I have to constantly juggle drinks, hors d'oeuvres, and hand-shaking. Such juggling requires more coordination than I have, and results in dropped items, or at least foregone flutes of champagne (the better to always have a free hand), or at least many moments of awkward and embarrassing shuffling.

    In short, Clutches, there is nothing about you that I like, and when I see you in magazines and realize you will be trendy in summer 2007 I sigh and am actively unhappy for your newest moment in the spotlight. Someday, I hope, there will be a revolution of black-tie function attendees, and you will be overthrown by a junta comprised of exceedingly well-dressed women carrying huge purses. Consider this open letter to be the first salvo in the war against you.

  2. my cellphone fell out of my clutch on New Year's Eve because I forgot to close it properly. It was a mess. Now I have to be super-careful.

    Luckily, my clutch also has a wrist strap, which makes it easier to hold. But I feel your frustration.
  3. :woohoo:
  4. Absolutely, entirely agree!
  5. So funny and so true!!! Very clever...thank you :smile:
  6. What a great letter thalillady!

    I don't know why they even make clutches that DON'T have that little chain that you can tuck inside if you want, and as I said in the other thread, I truly do not understand why anyone BUYS a clutch that does not have one.

    The only things I have that could be called "clutches" are an assortment of evening bags from days gone by, and every single one of them, no matter how beautiful, no matter how elegant, has a pretty little chain so that it is not necessary to sacrifice the use of one entire hand in order to carry the bag, and I can slip the chain inside any time I want the look of just holding the clutch.

    In fairness, in days gone by we did not have cell phones, and the only cosmetics we carried were little (faux for me) jeweled compacts and a lipstick.

    Tucked away somewhere would be a piece of paper money for emergencies, (we did not have ATM cards in those days), nor would we be required to produce ID of any kind at any point of the evening.

    We had slim little jeweled boxes (that matched the compacts) that held a few cigarettes, and a tiny little flat lighter, opera glasses that folded down small, and that was it, and it all fit very nicely into the evening bag, or "clutch."

    As absurd as the very idea of a chainless clutch is, far more bizarre is the notion of carrying one as a regular bag, especially in light of all the stuff we have to carry around these days!

    Maybe it is a status thing, intended for people who are accompanied wherever they go by their personal assistant, who carries a BIG bag! :biggrin:
  7. Very amusing, thanks.
  8. Good points. The girls on Desperate Housewives always seem to have larger clutches. Does anyone know where they get them?
  9. I like 'em! :p
  10. Funny post and oh so true.:yes:
  11. :banned: Sign me up for the overthrow!!:banned:
  12. HERE'S TO YOU ~ thalillady ~ That was GREAT!! :~)
  13. yuck, completely agree
    i usually end up having mine shoved under my arm.
    i do have a massive green envelope style one that i bought in a charity shop, which holds everything but is still annoying.