Am I overreacting?

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  1. It's been eating at me for a week, so I'd like some advice from you lovely ladies.

    I have a friend, who at one point, was more (we considered marriage and spending our lives together) who is American and to finance his studies, joined the National Guard. Then the war in Iraq happened.

    After his training and tour of duty in Iraq, he's a very different person and while he's asked me to marry him again, I didn't feel we could be anything more than friends. The other day, he asked me to ask my dad to make out a check to someone in the UK to pay for something he'd bought on eBay.

    The problem is, that something is a piece of equipment that is related to weapons (something to make it safe or something). So I said no because:
    a) Dealing with weapons is very restricted here (both France where I live and the UK I am from). One needs all kinds of permits and authorisations to possess and sell.
    b) I don't want to be involved with anything to do with sending anything related to weapons to the US. In a post 9/11 world, I don't think the US are very tolerant about that kind of crap anymore.
    c) I know my dad would have felt even more strongly against that, so I didn't want to bother him with this request because he'd refuse and probably lecture me about points a & b.

    My friend didn't take this kindly and started telling me that we Europeans are unenlightened and nearly on the verge of book-burning, that there are no liberties here, etc etc. It's not the first time we've had a fight about US/Europe and where he's accused me (or close enough) of being un-American and against liberty(ies).
    It's not the first time either that he's tried to bully me into doing something I didn't want (before, he wanted me to move to the US and drop my education).
    He'd also told me, after his basic training, that had he known what my parentage was like before we got involved with one another, he'd have never gotten involved in the first place.

    This time I got really mad and yelled at him, and my dad (who I did talk to after that) told me not to bother with my friend anymore, just stop communicating with him anymore. My dad added that since he'd met him in 2002, he really didn't like him but hadn't told me because he didn't want to hurt me.

    I don't feel like a book-burning, horrible and liberty-bashing European and I don't think that the country around me is filled with that kind of people (just looking at the student demonstrations/commentaries around labour laws proves me otherwise, everyone is allowed to say anything, no matter how truthful, far-fetched or assinine).
    I'm also pretty mad because I supported him as much as I could during his training and tour of duty, regardless of personal opinion and also the very hostile opinion of some around me (some people at my school who knew about the situation actively wished him dead, etc because of his involvement in the war).

    I'm really confused because I genuinely liked him and I'm really mad at myself because I feel, betrayed, I guess.

    Sorry for the long rambling post, I just had to get this off my chest because it's making me sad, confused and obsessy about it.

    Should I give him another (friendly) chance? Should I just drop him?
  2. Wow, I don't know exactly what to say but I feel that if he can't respect your feelings on the whole check thing and is willing to get that upset at you over money then he doesn't respect you at all.

    Even if you disagree over issues, whether you are right or he is right doesn't matter it really does come down to respect and he is letting material things get in the way.

    I'm sorry he is acting like this, must be hard on you after so long.

    I can't really tell you what to do that is your decision but I wish you luck!
  3. Just drop him. You have every right to be mad and feel betrayed. He is acting like a plain *******. I know it might be har on you to just drop him like that, but he really doesn't seem to care about you.
  4. I think you have every right to say no to him in regard of this matter. You're absolutely correct, it is a very sensitive matter right now and there is no need to get yourself involved with this unnecessary drama. If he is a true friend, he will understand the reason behind it eventually.
    I understand it must be frustrating and hurt that your friendship is at a very rocky stage, but I think you're correct in taking your stand on something you believe.
  5. I'm sorry to hear that but you didn't act like a book-burning horrible European at all. I behaved like a typical Bush electing idiot. I think you should sent him into the woods as he doesn't respect your opinions at all with calling you names. Even in just being friends respect is one of the most important things in any relationships. I hope that everything turns out alright for you!!
  6. He's not acting like a friend to you is he? So why give him a friendly chance.

    Using comments about people JUST because they are European (or, of course, American) is as low as making racist comments IMO - and as pointless because once someone has you down as a "type" of person then anything you say or do is filtered through their own prejudices.

    He sounds like bad news to me, to be honest.

    Good luck whatever you do,

  7. Thank you for your words of encouragment. The more I think about it, the more I want to both laugh and cry about this story because it sounds so like a bad soap opera.

    When we met, he became a really good friend, we could talk about anything. After coming over to Europe, he asked me to come over to the States in 2002 to live with him and get married but I said no because I didn't want to leave my parents and education (I was only a year and a half away from graduation as an engineer) for something uncertain with no tech jobs nearby (FYI, he lives in Idaho). At the time, we argued because he told me I could always bus tables at local restaurants and I wanted to finish my engineering degree. It got me really mad because I'm a little vain and I did want to be an engineer (good pay, good situation, make parents and self proud...)

    Then when I said it was time we rethought the relationship, he went to sleep with someone else. When confronted, he admitted that he wanted to have sex with that girl.
    We didn't talk and he got sent to Iraq, at which time I started talking to him again to offer a friendly ear whenever he was available to write. We corresponded regularly again (and through IM) and he admitted to having married a friend (something to do with the pay you get as a married man in the armed forces and the benefits for the wife?).
    Then he came back, divorced and he asked me to marry him again (despite me being in a long-term serious relationship). Of course, I refused. Which brings us to now, this situation.

    Was he bad news from the start and I was too stupid to see it? If I'm right to drop off this friendship, why am I so bothered by it?
  8. I totally agree, and it's better to take care of these matters NOW and in a safe environment then deal with it later when you're married and living in the US! He sounds like someone who could potentially, given the ideal circumstances, become very controlling and not just mentally but physically also! Trust in yourself and your instincts...stay away from him.
  9. He's probably just changed - Iraq must have messed with his head a bit, every war does - my grandad was in WW2 and was never the same (I'm told) after he got back.

    Telling you to bus tables when you were training for a serious career looks like a red flag to me that he's not taking you seriously, you say no to the guy later about that check and he starts insulting you....

    I have never seen things like that - lack of respect, basically - actually improve from a man once he's married, and whatever his good points he sounds like the kind of person who needs to mellow out a little before he chooses a life partner.

    He sounds awfully like he wants everything his own way and if he doesn't get it, YOU'RE the bad guy.

    It's always tough realising that someone isn't the person you thought they were, but some friendships have a best-befopre date past which the people involved have grown away from each other too far for it to work out.

    Just my view - does great advice, why not drop her a line?

    Good luck sorting this out,


  10. I think he sounds like an immature idiot and frankly, it's scary that people like that get to roam around with guns at all!

    He was almost certainly always like it; after all, a pacifist probably wouldn't have joined the services in the first place, but the war (and being around other heavily armed schoolboys :lol: ) probably exacerbated his problems.

    Also, its amazing how nice a horrible man can act when he's trying to get you into the sack and then how quickly he reverts, once he thinks it's over!

    I think you're just feeling the way we all feel when we decide to move-on from someone we've got used to being around, however unpleasant.

    It's a cliche, but the longer you spend away from this man, the more you'll wonder what you ever saw in him!

    By the way, what on earth has book-burning (i.e. the destruction of knowledge) got to do with European gun laws (i.e. the restriction of freedom)? I'm confused!!! :unsure: :biggrin:
  11. Knowing all that you know about this man, how can you still have feelings for him?! He's not loyal, I don't think he knows what it is to love someone, no respect for marriage, and most importantly no respect for you or your feelings! I wonder what his family upbring was like? Yes, war changes people but it doesn't change their soul, you can still come back from any war and have respect, compassion, and a good-heart for people you love, and I'm speaking from experience! Perja, I'm sure the reason why you still think of him is because you saw the potential goodness in him and what he might of become but unfortunately it sounds like he has chosen a path that is not a positive one and staying involved with him will only take you on that path too!
  12. I don't have feelings for him and I haven't had since that time he slept with some woman. It's always been clear to me that a guy who sleeps around BEFORE marriage is highly likely to sleep around AFTER marriage too.

    I still wanted to be his friend because I valued what we had as friends.

    Okay, now I just feel foolish for even ever talking to him.
  13. You need to ask yourself, why would I want to be friends with someone who has no moral values or more importantly has no respect for me? :huh: To be his friend it should be unconditional and equal.
  14. A true friend would not try to bully you into doing something that you clearly didn't want to do. I know that it's probably difficult right now, but I agree with the others who have said that it's best for you to sever the reationship.
  15. Hi Perja, I'm sorry to hear you have this trouble with your friend. Anyone would feel betrayed and sad about being treated the way you were. Maybe you can't let it go because you still miss, and confuse him today, with the person he was before the war, before he changed? People do change, unfortunately, and sometimes we grow in different directions. It's not easy to accept, still I think you were very mature & brave when you stood up and said no to him about this weapon-thing, something you felt strongly about. You should trust your gut-feeling about this, if you are uneasy about the relationship, then probably best to end it. If this person is somewhat unstable, I guess it would be best to just let the relation fade out, without any dramatic goodbyes. I wish you luck and hope you can find a solution & peace of mind!