Am I being mean? (Sorry kind of long).

loveyouu

Member
Mar 9, 2008
1,000
3
California
So I have this 'friend' we're not really friends just a classmate I met last semester. She doesn't drive and I do, she keeps on asking me to take her to places. I did 3 times, I don't like saying no. So the first time I took her home during finals week and I had class in a different campus that I live 5 minutes away from and had to drive 20 minutes to the campus she was on. I really didn't want to but she had no way of getting home. So I took her home and now she keeps on asking me to take her to places. I did it 2 more times because she was staying at a house near mine only 1 freeway exit away. Now she has moved back to her old home and that house is about 20 minutes away. I would give her rides but the thing is I hate back tracking that is something I hate hate hate to do! And me picking her up I would back track a lot because she lives 20 minutes away and places she wants to go to is near my house.

And I asked her why she won't take the bus she said there is no bus stop near her but there is a bus stop near her she would have to walk for 5-10 minutes. I don't know I think I'm being too harsh. When I didn't drive I would take the bus home it would take me 2 hours. I hated asking people to drive me home even if it would be a lot faster, and would never even think of asking friends or even the really good best friends to take me to places. If they offered that would be a different story and I would only accept their offer if they were a really close friend of mine. I don't know I just don't like asking people for things.

I've told her I don't want to take her because she lives far and I hate backtracking. I know I'm being selfish. But I have also offered to take her when I will be on campus to return a book but she says no she wants to go on a certain day. If this were to happen to me I would take whatever day that person would be willing to take me. I just don't feel the need to go on campus twice when I only need to go once. Another thing is I don't work so my parents support me and pay for school and everything else I might need. And I really don't want to use gas or money unless I have to. She offered me lunch or to pay me back but I don't want to take money from her it's weird.

What do you guys think? If you were in this situation what would you guys do? I know I am being very mean.. I wish I can just take her but I really don't want to. Any suggestions? Or any stories that you guys might have similar to this?

Sorry for this long rank.
 
May 7, 2007
1,900
0
OH lawd! You are not being selfish or mean. Some ppl take advantage, dont let her. You seem like a super nice person, but you have to be a little aggressive and flat out say no in a polite way.

Even if you had a close friend requesting all that, it would be too much.

Just be like, "I'm sorry, I'm busy."


She'll keep asking you for favors if you dont at any point say no. As soon as she hears the no, she'll move on, and try to find another person to use. Thats life...
 

BlueKat

Queen of the Castle
Jul 20, 2008
756
1
USA
You are not being mean. And you certainly are not her personal chauffeur! The least she could do is offer to pay for your gas. You do need to start saying no. Otherwise, she will continue to take advantage.
 

bagnshoofetish

Oh. Gee.
O.G.
Feb 12, 2006
33,573
2,982
earth
tell her while it was your pleasure to help her out a couple of times, you cannot be expected to be her personal taxi service. tell her she needs to fend for herself just like you are. you have your own personal responsibilities to take care of. you are not her mommy.
another member had a similar problem like this some months ago...does anyone besides me remember that? I cannot remember the name of the thread...
 

eep!

Member
Jun 9, 2009
127
0
As a good friend, yeah you can drive her once in a while. But theres a fine line between doing a nice gesture for a friend and getting taken advantage of. You arent being selfish at all. She is NOT your responsbility. And the fact she might have a walk a few extra minutes or take a bus has nothing to do with you being a bad friend. Her life is hers. Dont be afraid to have a backbone and say no. Take this as a lesson learned and for similar situations in the future. Dont do someone too many favors without getting anything in return or it will become a habit.

For example, my SO and I let his neice move in (she was in her last year of high school). She had to take the bus but obviously it was just more convenient to ask us for a ride. A ride to school, a ride to the store, a ride to her friends house, to pick her up, ect. We didnt mind too much at first. But because there was no hesitation to begin with, things got out of hand. She started purposely doing things just to get rides. Like wake up too late to make it to school on time, so it was on us to drive her to school (40 minutes out of the way). She would carelessly miss the last bus to come home late at night and become stranded. So she would put it on us to pick her up.

It got to be too much because we never said no in the first place. And its not that you have to say no all the time. But do it when its comfortable and convenient for you. For example, I should have only really driven her to school if it was on the way to work, ect. I had to put a stop to it and told her, no more rides.. even in emergency situations. If you wake up late for school, you will be late for school and will have to suffer the consequences. If you miss the last bus, you will have to find a friends house to stay at or some other way to get home (pay for cab, ect). From then on, its funny how responsible she became!

So it worked. And now when she asks me for rides, she gives me something in return. Gas money, lunch.. she begs to give me things so I can take her lol. I dont always give in though. But I do like having things turned around and its not that I want to take things from her but if I dont, then she will just continue to take advantage of me. :smile:

So where do you draw the line? Its easy. When she is perfectly capable of taking a bus and its our of your way, she can take a bus. If she is in a DIRE emergency situation and its important (mind you, this cant be one of those emergencies that happens ALL the time) then as a friend, its okay. When she wants to go somewhere and its only a few minutes out of your way, I'd say its fine. Otherwise just tell her: "Its really out of my way.. I have to be somewhere.." Or a simple: "I cant drive you, sorry" should do the trick. You shouldnt have to explain or provide an excuse everytime.

And when she does get a ride with you, dont be ashamed to get the money for gas if you need it. If its your money you are spending (even if your parents are helping) its still your money you can be using for other things. Not only that but if you arent accepting things in return, that is just asking to be taken advantage of even more. A favor for a favor, right?
 

chaz

Superstar DJ
Sep 8, 2007
14,651
13
No you aren't being mean,but you are being taken advantage of. The way you have offered to drive her places,but she wants another day because it doesn't suit her? Well she should get the bus instead of using you as a personal transport system.Its not fair of her to do this to you so you shouldn't feel bad about saying 'no' to her.

Hope it works out well for you :hugs:
 

chantal1922

30 pounds down!
I agree with everyone. You are not being mean! I know sometimes I might be hard to say no but in this case you have to. She is taking advantage of you. She is a capable adult. She needs to figure out how to get from point A to point B without you.
 

Bitten

Chic, not cheap.
O.G.
Feb 6, 2007
5,899
410
Contented
Yeah I agree with the above posts - some people are users in this life. They discover very quickly that they can get just about anything they want from some people if they just act hurt when a favour is withheld. "Sorry, geez, I didn't think it was that big a deal or anything." Sound familiar? Because you are a well-mannered person, you automatically try to accommodate people because you don't want to be rude or selfish and your good manners play perfectly into this person's bad manners. Generosity is never to be abused or taken advantage of.
 

Immi

Member
Aug 7, 2009
288
0
She thinks walking 5-10 minutes to a bus stop is tough? Seriously, she doesn't have a good excuse for asking you to be her taxi. Stop agreeing to it, it sounds like a huge inconvenience!
 

juneping

couch potato-ing
O.G.
Jun 11, 2007
17,801
908
NYC
i'd do it once in a while...like going out or something. but not on a regular basis. you are not her driver. lunch would be nice but that's not the point..isn't it?!
don't feel bad. why ppl would take their problems to make other ppl feel bad.....weird.
 

NoSnowHere

So Banned!
Feb 11, 2007
8,067
0
USA
I think you've been more than gracious. It's not your job to solve her problems. She can take the bus and :gasp: walk 5 minutes to the bus stop.