Advice PLEASE

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StinkyMonkey

StinkyMonkey

Nomoremonkeybusiness
Oct 18, 2006
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#1
My situation is much too long and complicated to give all the details:sad:
Here is the meat of my dilema.
I have a sister whom I've never met. A couple of years ago our first contact was very negative and I take full responsibilty for that. A year or so ago, AGAIN our contact was very ugly and AGAIN it was solely my doing. I had resentment toward her parents...not her.
The details and history dating back to 1978 would shed light and possibly justify my actions, but I chose not to go into the "gory" details.
Years of pent up anger, frustration, and hurt caused me to grossly misbehave in an immature and vengeful manner. I have since apologized to her.
She is 20 years my junior and through no circumstances or faults of our own we were not able to ever meet. I always wanted to know her.
I recently shared with some about my experiences growing up as an only child and did not mention her or our recent reunion. Word got back to her and she was confused, upset and maybe a bit hurt. I never meant to deliberately offend or hurt her...like the absent minded idiot that I tend to be I just failed mention her. That does not mean that I don't think about her or want a relationship with her!
Since I was so ugly and vicious in our intial contact, she has every reason to be suspicious of me and on guard....I'm just soooooooo emotionally drained.
Also painful events transpired years before she was even born and these issues still appear to be obstacles in our moving forward with our relationship. She is getting 2 completely different versions of history (the past) and that is so unfair, confusing and frustratining for her. All parties involved before her birth will never come to an agreement because each side swears to "the truth" of past events....
What would you do in my situtation? Any advice???
Thanks....
 
#4
Then it seems the only option is to contact her and see if she is willing to take the risk of meeting with you again. Given that your behavior was not so great, she may not. However, I would suggest for you that you think about your honest objective here, with regard to wanting a relationship with her. It seems there is a lot of painful history that involves many people. Perhaps she would be willing to meet in a coffee shop or something just for a brief meeting to test the waters?
 
#5
I agree with Irishgal's suggestion. Coffee or something fairly neutral in a public place would be ideal for a first meeting. I would just make sure she knows you want a good relationship. Maybe you could write her a nice letter apologizing for past behavior and explaining how you feel? It would give her something else to go on besides your prior unpleasant encounters.
 
#6
I'd probably start off writing her an email/letter as nerdphanie suggested. Something where you can control your emotions. And since you say that her parents are a sore issue for you, I would probably ask her to avoid talking about them altogether until you and your sister have developed a relationship. I would also probably keep the past out of it until you two have developed a greater level of trust and understanding. There is no way you are going to straighten the past out in one day and I don't think essentially calling her parents liars is a good way to start a relationship, KWIM?

Maybe you guys can just hang out and shop :flowers: before you start delving into the tough issues.
 
#8
I agree with Irishgal and NPhanie...just think about your objective with her. It seems like you are blaming her and judging her for things she did not do, and you have treated her so bad from the very beginning and to top it off, you really do not include her in your everyday life. So it seems like it doesn't really matter what she thinks of the situation or past, because you have never liked her for her to begin with.

You have disliked her for something her parents did, so I'm not sure why this would be emotionally draining on you. Perhaps you should just let her be...you may not be ready for a relationship with her yet. She does not seem to be the issue or problem here. It seems that others have hurt you and you should be make peace with them.
 
#9
Sounds like other ppl have toxicated and complicated the circumstances for you both.....

But....in the end...its about your personal relationship with her alone that counts...if she is a person you would like to get to know...you should just put every other thing/happenings aside and just get to know her...then try and deal with the other aspects...this might help both of you to get through one thing at a time...

Its sooo hard, when certain relationship/position of family issues really gets in the way of ppl......but its truely just messy and unnecessary....

I hope the best for you both.....
 
#10
I think it would be a nice gesture for you to sit down and write your feelings out in a card and offer to get coffee with her. You can write back and forth to each other before deciding to meet up too. Good luck!
 
#11
Are you or her adopted or from same parent?
Anyhow maybe you should try to explain to her why you feel this way and try to make amends with her.Dusty Paws ^^^ has a good point above. :tup:
 
#12
It's helpful to get objective views so thanks for your input and suggestions.

Venetiakim-
Same father different mother.
Her parents and I will never come to an agreement because they swear by one version of events and in my heart and mind I vividly remember and swear by another. ...and yes, in order to forgive one must first acknowledge a mistake, correct? Their version is set in stone and is their gospel.

Gr8heart and Bagluvluv-
You are 100% correct, for years (29) I included her in my hurt and anger...thus the nastiness in my initial contact. I literally attacked her.
It is not fair to her. I have gotten to know her a bit and she is a fantastic, bright, beautiful, and charming young lady....

It's a bit hard to include her in my everyday life considering that she resides on the East Coast and I on the West. It does not matter what she believes concerning the past. I just wanted to move on, and at one point she was willing as well.
She only knows what has been told to her by those she loves and trusts dearly, as she should.
But her reality with facts and history differs vastly from mine- I who actually witnessed and experienced it....
She's an innocent bystander and has made every effort and attempt to mend the situtation....yet again she is given one version of events and conversations other than what actually transpired.
I see no end to this madness.
Very toxic and complicated indeed.
I have apololgized and have put 110% into making amends and moving forward as has she.
She has no reason to trust me considering my past behavior, but she took a chance in good faith.
I wish it were that easy in the sense that she and I could become friends without mention of the past and her parent's involvement.
They have never accepted me and still view me as a reminder of the past and, I maybe wrong, but I sense that they continue to paint me negatively and use my initial bad behavior as proof of my character.
We didn't know each other for 20 years and our lives were just fine.... Maybe for her sake (the ugly truth of the past she will not accept and it would hurt her dearly)and my sanity we should just forget it and move with our lives?
I dunno.
Everytime I feel positive as if we are gaining ground in our relationship and in our communication something happens and I'm blamed and the finger is negatively pointed at me: "The crazy bad seed who only wants to hurt and destroy"....uh, yeah right. Transference maybe?
Like an idiot I'm thinking things are going well and bam I'm hit ,yet again with suspicion and malice on my part for something I said or didn't say. I've been accused of stalking her when she was the furthest thing on my mind. I have enough drama with my own children, coworkers, neighbors, etc!!!
Gosh. Maybe we should just give up on ever developing this relationship?
I just want her to be happy and at peace with whatever reality gives her security. That will always be her truth. And I want to continue my life without further pain and confusion.
Lord knows I had enough of that.
Life is too short. She and I both need to live it with peace of mind and as drama free as possible.
I wish her only the best and a wonderful bright future.
Sorry this was soooooooooooooooooooooooooo long.
I just had to vent.
 
#13
Is she still living with her parents? It sounds like it. If that is the case then I think it is only natural that she will believe her parents more than anybody else. They are the people she trusts most and there is not much anyone could or should do against it. Even if they are lying to her about, I don't think it would be wise of you to remain trying to set it straight. JMHO and I am going to tell you why: it takes a lot of experience and distance to fully understand all the insides of one own's family. If she still lives with them and still is very young then I would assume she is not ready for this yet.

If I was in your shoes, I would let her know that you care about her, you don't wanna come between her and her family, and you don't want to cause her any pain (anymore). I would tell her that while you and her family may not agree on things that have happened in the past, you do not want to lose her because of that. I would back off, maybe just write her birthday cards or whatever, and hope that in her own time, maybe in a couple of years, she will have the wish to get to know you herself and not from what she has heard about you.

I hope you can build a relationship with her at some point, but I think things have to cool down first!

I hope I haven't gone off limits with anything I wrote...
 
#14
It seems that bad memories are connected to your sister even though she has not done anything and I think you need to move past this.

there must be something that you have in common, does she like bags or shopping ?. Or maybe art ??. Take her to a gallery or shopping and this will connect you through something postaive and not the negative memories of growing up for you. Also I would take her to meet your friends and get involved in eachothers lives.
 
#15
simmmchen said:
Is she still living with her parents? It sounds like it. If that is the case then I think it is only natural that she will believe her parents more than anybody else. They are the people she trusts most and there is not much anyone could or should do against it. Even if they are lying to her about, I don't think it would be wise of you to remain trying to set it straight. JMHO and I am going to tell you why: it takes a lot of experience and distance to fully understand all the insides of one own's family. If she still lives with them and still is very young then I would assume she is not ready for this yet.

If I was in your shoes, I would let her know that you care about her, you don't wanna come between her and her family, and you don't want to cause her any pain (anymore). I would tell her that while you and her family may not agree on things that have happened in the past, you do not want to lose her because of that. I would back off, maybe just write her birthday cards or whatever, and hope that in her own time, maybe in a couple of years, she will have the wish to get to know you herself and not from what she has heard about you.

I hope you can build a relationship with her at some point, but I think things have to cool down first!

I hope I haven't gone off limits with anything I wrote...
Click to expand...


This is exactly what I was thinking, Simmmchen.
Attempts to build any type of a relationship have been unsuccessful thus far.
I am done with the blame game and second guessing.
Although I may not know her very well, again I have come to see her as a very sincere individual.
It is not my place to "set it straight".
I agree that maybe we should just leave well enough alone and maybe send cards on Holidays and whatnot.
Maybe one day she and I will be given the opportunity to truely get to know one another and "the past" and past mistakes can be avoided altogether....

Gosh! I am such a wuss.
I'm tearing up as I type!!:crybaby::shame:
 
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