1. I have a question. Me and DH have talked about all sorts of options since we have been unable to have a baby within our 2 years of trying.
    We have considered Adoption, but we would not want to tell the kid he or she is adopted.
    Is that wrong? I don't want my kid to think, thats not my REAL mommy. or what should we do that is better than not telling him or her if we adopt?
  2. I think you should tell the kid. As much as the kid will know that you're not the "real" mom, fact is, you're the only mom that the kid will ever have, and that creates a definite bond. You didn't HAVE to adopt him or her, but you did, and that's so wonderful.

    I don't think you should feel that your family will be any less real or less intact simply because the child knows. At the end of the day, you and your DH are the ones who will be raising him or her, and kids don't forget that you're the ones who came to all of the games, the recitals, stayed up with them when they were sick, etc. I think not telling the child would do more damage than anyone needs, and the child has a basic right to know where he/she comes from. Besides, what if someone in the family spills the beans?

    You and your DH are doing a great thing simply by adopting. I don't think you have anything to lose by telling the child he or she was chosen.
  3. We adopted. DS knows he's adopted, we had a big party and we celebrate "Adoption Day". He knows that he was a baby in XXX's tummy and that we are mommy and daddy.
    It's so much better to tell them than to have them grow up and find out, cuz they will. I have witnessed a grown man find out he was adopted and it was heartbreaking. It's healthy to know where you came from.
    I have a book or two on it, if you want to PM me, I'd be happy to send it/them to you. Most agencies around here wouldn't allow the adoption unless you were willing to allow it to be "open". "Open" adoption doesn't mean the birthparents get to see the kid all the time. They are allowed to send letters, etc. and you can decide when it's best to give it to them (DS's father has sent some, but we keep them in a shoebox for later - he's still in and out of jail, but we let his parents see DS). They also have the right to see report cards, know of any emergencies, etc. But if they don't initiate contact within any 12 month period, they no longer have the right. That's how ours was anyway.
    I could go on and on about this subject because I felt the same way as you to begin with. I always knew I wanted to adopt, but as I started learning more about it, I knew that it was better for the child to know. Feel free to PM me with any questions and if you wanna give me your addy, I'll dig up those books.
    I'm glad you're considering adoption! It's such a wonderful thing and I've never given birth, but it's hard to imagine loving someone more. Good luck in your pursuit. Beware it is a LONG process, and very emotional.
  4. I think being adopted is a fundemental part of a person's identity. I think it would be detrimental not to tell your child. If you start when they are very young, it just "is"...just like they have brown eyes or are a boy. It's just who they big deal.

    Also, there will always be others who know that your child is adopted. Would you want one of those people tell the your child? While they may not do it out of ill will, I would not want my child to find out something like that from someone other than his/her father or me.

    My husband as well as his two siblings (not biological) are adopted. He's always known... it was just how their family came to be. No big deal. My kids (11 and 8) understand that Daddy didn't grow from Nana but she still his Mom and their grandmother as much as my Mom is.

    Adoption is a wonderful choice. I always thought I wanted to adopt. However, being adopted, it was EXTREMELY important to my husband to have biological children. In the delivery room with our first child, he had tears streaming down his face, looking at "his first blood relative" he'd ever known.:love:

    Best of luck to you. Keep us updated!
  5. Yes! Very well said :tup:

    Awww, that is so sweet!
  6. I haven't adopted but I just wanted to say that if your child will find out later it can really break your bond IMO. it would be like lying all their life, while you taught them not to do that, kwim? I am sure you will always be mommy and daddy no matter what!
  7. I totally agree. I have worked with teenagers who find out they are adopted (late) and develop identity crisises.
  8. I do believe that you should tell the child they're adopted. It's a part of who they are and doesn't mean that they would love you or think of you any less. I'd start telling them at an early age too.

    This actually happened to my aunt's neighbor. They were a white couple, who already had 2 boys and they adopted a baby girl from their church. The baby girl ended up being 1/2 African American and 1/2 White. They did not know this before they agreed to the adoption (before the baby was born), but they adopted her anyway because they desperately wanted a girl.

    So...They raised the girl, never letting her know that she was adopted. The mother made her up as "white" as she could possibly be. SHe had her hair straightened to get rid of the curly hair that she had. She would ask why she was darker than the boys, and the mom said that it was because she spent so much time in the sun. :rolleyes: So...a few years later, girl enters the fourth grade. She had been homeschooled up until then. She makes friends with the kids and after a while she invites them over to her house. Well, one of the kids (who was apparently also adopted) said "Oh wow! I didn't know you were adopted!" and little J (the girl) has a look on her face like this :wtf:...She didn't know she was adopted...

    I know that's a weird situation, and I felt so bad for the mom (I don't want to name names, just in case..) because I know that she was just trying to do what she thought was best for her daughter...but their relationship was pretty strained after that. The girl is now 15 or 16 and their relationship is okay again, but I had talked to her a few times and she told me that she would like to contact her mom (who still goes to their church, but she doesn't know who she is) when she is older and talk to her.

    ...So, I think it's best to avoid that whole type of situation and be honest from the beginning. You're still the baby's parents - the baby just came to you through a different, and very special way!
  9. Yes, it's hugely wrong, and I don't think you should consider adoption until you're willing to accept the idea that you are not the child's birth mother. There's no shame in that. There's a saying that's used in adoption: "You weren't born in my stomach, you were born in my heart." That's the healthy way to look at adoption for both parent and child.

    If you can't come to terms with that reality, then adoption is not for you. It's an emotionally, financially and mentally exhausting experience.

    To lie to your child about such huge part of their life is wrong on so many different levels. When they find out (and he or she will find out), they're going to never going to be able to trust you again.

    Think of it from a practical standpoint. What if the child has a different blood type than you and your husband? Are you going to lie about that too? What if the child has some type of illness and none of your relatives can act as donors? What if the child is 6'5 and you and your husband are 5'7? What if the birthmom, birthfather, birthsister writes a letter or contacts your child on the internet? It becomes lies on top of lies on top of lies.

    I've worked in adoption law, I have many friend that have adopted and I keep up-to-date on international adoption legislation. I can tell you from experience that adoptiosn based on lies do not result in a healthy outcome for the adopted parent or child.
  10. You seem like you REALLY want a baby. From reading your posts it seems as though this idea dominates your life. You're rather young, yes? Why do you want a child so badly? And I'm asking seriously.
    Is everything else in your life ok? I think, and don't get too mad at me here, cause I'm assuming things as I don't know you in real life, that you're almost trying to fill a void. I'm sure you'll get upset with that, and if you truly don't feel that's the case, I'll drop it, but I want to make sure that you understand that bringing a child into this world is a huge deal and is not something you do cause you want someone to feel dependent on you or a project for you to take on.
  11. My husband is adopted, and from a very young age he knew that he was different from his sisters (who were not adopted) and parents. Kids are much smarter than you think. If you adopt, they will figure it out -- or they will go through life thinking there's something wrong with them because they are different than you and your husband. IMO, to not tell them is wrong and a betrayal. Why would you lie about something like that? If you're wanting to not tell the child, I don't think you're the right candidate for adoption.

    My husband met his biological parents when he was 26, and it filled a huge void for him. They had my husband when they were in college and they never married each other. When my husband and I got married, he had 3 sets of parents there -- his adoptive parents, his biological mom, and his biological dad, and they were all so proud.
  12. I would tell my child they were adopted for all the reasons pp have said.
  13. I have two adopted sisters (and one older birth sister) and my sisters have known from the moment they arrived that they were adopted- they each have a special arrival story (much more so than my sister or I have a birth story) and they are no less a part of our family than the birth children are.

    One is afro carribean/white, and one indian/white, so my white parents couldn't have not told them they were adopted as they would have figured it out themselves, but my parents would NEVER have considered not telling them if keeping it a secret would have been possible, that would be like denying part of what they are. It makes no difference to me how they arrived in our family- they are my sisters.

    (the minute the adoptee needs their birth certificate they will find you out if you haven't told the truth)
  14. ^^^ Actually, they change the birth certificates when the child is adopted. My son's was changed.

  15. Very true.

    Plus, one day the kid is going to get curious as to why there are no pictures of Mom pregnant at all. My preg-o friends had tons of belly pictures, in the hospital pictures, etc.. Any kid with half a brain is going to think, "Hey, why are there no pictures of you pregnant with me?" when they get older.

    I mean, that's just one little thing, but each little thing adds up to a bigger picture.