A question for our divorced members!

twinkie

twinkie

~Mrs. G~
O.G.
Apr 1, 2006
1,305
5
#1
As some of you may already know, I just recently filed for divorce. I'm getting out of a marriage that I now know was pretty much over long ago. My main roadblock to accepting the divorce and moving on is the fact that I do still love my soon to be ex; however, he has done some things that make it impossible for me to live with him any longer.

I have received all kinds of advice on how to cope including starting to casually date again. At this point, I'm kind of torn at the thought of dating. My question is this--after your divorce, how long did it take to start dating again?:shrugs: I realize there is no right or wrong answer to this question and I don't want to pry in anyone's private business. I guess I'm just looking for some input and a little advice from those who are willing to share.

TIA for your assistance!!:flowers:
 
#3
^shes right.Dont put a time frame on the dating...when its right..youll KNOW IT!
I worked in a hospital with PHH.....The nurses I worked with told me I had a "MAN HATING " attitude after a REALLY BAD divorce and ongoing custody battle with my NOW -EX hubby.SO Phh was a little scared to approach me!!

PHH approached me after work one night..asked if he could tag along to a club I was going to after work with friends.DIDNT plan on it at all.BUT I swear I fell in love with him the very first night we went out together.
NEVER would I guess that I could love anybody so much...OVER 10 years later..Hes my best friend.I have never admired anybody more in my life.He's everything I could possibly imagine a husband being.Yes..Hes now a PHH,But thats part of his charm!!LOL!
He pretty much took over raising my daughter from a previous marriage...He loves her JUST as much as his own daughter.
I got lucky..and I didnt ever expect to find him.
I firmly beleive you'll only find someone when you ARENT looking!!!For some strange reason!!!!
Good luck-We are all here for you!
Just a note too..My first marriage was pretty rough too.The time that my daughter and I lived on our own was PRICELESS.I gained my independance and learned not to put up with my nasty EX-Hubby.I actually LOVED it.I struggled..had to work..raise a CHILD with ZERO help from the EX....And I had the best time of my life when I knew I could do it ON MY OWN.
 
#5
I think you'll know when the time is right. My boss filed for divorce on Monday, was on match.com on Wednesday and went a date on Friday. My Mom waited 5 years before dating. She wanted focus on being a mom to me and my sister. She didn't want to introduce random guys into our lives, and chose to wait until we were in our late teens before dating.

I think it's one of those things that is just completely and totally different for every single person.
 
#7
I separated from my ex in Jan. 1999 and went on a "blind" date (i.e.personals column in local rag) in Feb. It was a mistake to say the least. I knew right away when I met the guy at the restaurant--when I looked at him all I could think about was how much my life was changing and I was filled with despair. Having a margarita with dinner didn't help---I went on a crying jag and had to hole up in the ladies' room for about 10 minutes to get myself together. When I came out I said "Big mistake, date now over, sorry". He was very understandingand walked me to my car, where he asked me "so are we gonna f**k or what?" I kid you not!!!

So after this I just hung out at bars and drank a lot but didn't really start "dating" for several more months, and by "dating" I frankly mean having meaningless sex fueled by alcohol. I do not recommend this as an effective coping mechanism!!
 
#8
twinkie said:
As some of you may already know, I just recently filed for divorce. I'm getting out of a marriage that I now know was pretty much over long ago. My main roadblock to accepting the divorce and moving on is the fact that I do still love my soon to be ex; however, he has done some things that make it impossible for me to live with him any longer.

I have received all kinds of advice on how to cope including starting to casually date again. At this point, I'm kind of torn at the thought of dating. My question is this--after your divorce, how long did it take to start dating again?:shrugs: I realize there is no right or wrong answer to this question and I don't want to pry in anyone's private business. I guess I'm just looking for some input and a little advice from those who are willing to share.

TIA for your assistance!!:flowers:
Click to expand...

Hi sweetie - I have a great board where I go and read some stories - I hope it's ok to post it here : Divorce and Breakup Support for Under 35. Online Community. Tips. Statistics. Information. click on the forum link and meet some new friends :smile:
 
#9
Do what you're comfy with, regardless of what others say or think. When you're ready to move on go for it.
You need to be ready to move on before you can, regardless of whether you want to date or not, does that make sense?

Sometimes you're heart isnt ready but your mind is, you need to move on and start getting out to be able to survive. Divorce isnt easy on anyone, more so the parent that has the children. You need to have time for you in all this and without that you dwell.

I wish you the best.
About a month after my split i started casual dating, out for a drink, lunch stuff like that. It helped that I had male friends that I could hang with and there were no worries. My gal friends were great too, we had evenings with beer and pizza it was a great distraction.

twinkie said:
As some of you may already know, I just recently filed for divorce. I'm getting out of a marriage that I now know was pretty much over long ago. My main roadblock to accepting the divorce and moving on is the fact that I do still love my soon to be ex; however, he has done some things that make it impossible for me to live with him any longer.

I have received all kinds of advice on how to cope including starting to casually date again. At this point, I'm kind of torn at the thought of dating. My question is this--after your divorce, how long did it take to start dating again?:shrugs: I realize there is no right or wrong answer to this question and I don't want to pry in anyone's private business. I guess I'm just looking for some input and a little advice from those who are willing to share.

TIA for your assistance!!:flowers:
Click to expand...
 
#10
I am divorced and remarried. I got married very young to the second guy I ever dated serioiusly. After I got divorced, I enjoyed some of my dating years because I never had the opportunity to go out dancing with girlfriends when I was younger and do all those single girl things. I was in my early 30's when I got divorced and did not remarry until age 40.
I don't think I hated men, so I started dating about 3 months (6 months after separation) after my divorce. I learned a lot about what I want and don't want out of a relationship from my dating years, so you may have some exciting and fun times ahead of you.
 
#11
It is all up to your heart.

I started dating immediately, but I was so ready to find someone to share *life* with at the time. I felt like a shut in for the last 8 yrs and after my ex and I split I just didn't want to waste a moment.

It was hard though. Even tho Ex and I split, I still loved and do love him. But we couldn't live together.

Good thoughts to you!!
 
#12
Sorry you are going through this. I agree with the other posters, take it slowly and on your own time. Also, consider dating without the intention of getting serious, like to get some practice and some funny stories that you can share with your friends here at tPF! Before I met my DH I was burned out on dating and took a full year dating vacation.
 
#13
I once heard the advice given by a professional that one should wait a year after divorcing to start dating and I must say I wholeheartedly agree with it.

I work within the court system with divorcing parents and it's shocking how quickly people move from one relationship to the next. A large percentage are already well into a new relationship while still married.

I think a lot of women feel they have to hurry up and find someone new because they are afraid if it doesn't happen 'now', it never will.
And you really need to tread more carefully when you have a child. You have to have their best interests at heart as well. And I am sure you do, but in my work too many parents are focused on themselves and ignore their children's needs. (That's why they end up getting sent my way).

When I was first divorced, I was in a big rush to find a new relationship so I wouldn't be alone. I dated a lot, but the thrill wore off pretty quickly. Frankly, I am glad it did.

I then went for quite some time without any dating. I didn't miss it. I was busy with my job and friendships and activities.

I am now dating a terrific man and the time on my own was a time of tremendous growth that left me much better equipped to be in a relationship again.

You need time to step back and really figure out who you are and what you want out of life and where you want your life to go. Too many divorced people focus too much on finding a new relationship as quickly as possible, rather than focus on themselves and their child.
 
#14
I don't know from personal advice, but listen to your body and heart. Sometimes you will find something perfect when you aren't looking.

:heart: {{HUGS}}
 
#15
Oh Twinkie, I wish you the best! I personally don't have any experience, but I think you will know when it is time. Just don't hurry things, and follow your heart! Love happens when you least expect it.
 
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