My df won a trip for 2 to Vegas so off we go next month. I have a fear of flying so I frequent a board dealing with this and they also have a humor section. Hope you like it.
>Here are some conversations that passengers normally don't hear. The
> > > following are accounts of exchanges between airline pilots and control
> > > towers from around the world:
> > > While taxiing, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Fort Lauderdale
> > > made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
> > > female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US
>Air
> > > 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie
>taxiway!
> > > You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for
>you
> > > to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right!" Continuing
> > > her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
> > > "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
> > > You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
> > > progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go
> > > exactly WHERE I tell you, WHEN I tell you, and HOW I tell you! You got
> > > that, US Air 2771?"
> > > "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
> > > Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
> > > verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
> > > controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was
> > > running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked,
>"Wasn't
> > > I married to you once?"
> > > ----------------------
> > > A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach
> > > speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at
> > > the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
> > > Highway 101, make a right at the light and return to the airport."
> > > -------------
> > > Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
> > > Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
> > > immediately!"
> > > Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
> > > ----------------------
> > > Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
> > > Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
>after
> > > we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
> > > runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
> > > on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?" Continental 635:
> > > "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern
> > > and we've already notified our caterers."
> > > --------------------
> > > The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
>lot.
> > > They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
> > > get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
>amusement
> > > that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between
>Frankfurt
> > > ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
> > > Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
> > > Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
> > > The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
> > > Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206:
> > > "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
> > > Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to
> > > Frankfurt before?"
> > > Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop."
> > > -------------------------
> > > O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
>one
> > > o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 329:
> > > "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got the little Fokker
> > > in sight."
> > > ---------------
> > > A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
> > > overheard the following:
> > > Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
> > > Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
> > > Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
> > > Germany. Why must I speak English?"
> > > Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
> > > bloody war!"
>Here are some conversations that passengers normally don't hear. The
> > > following are accounts of exchanges between airline pilots and control
> > > towers from around the world:
> > > While taxiing, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Fort Lauderdale
> > > made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate
> > > female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US
>Air
> > > 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie
>taxiway!
> > > You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for
>you
> > > to tell the difference between Cs and Ds, but get it right!" Continuing
> > > her tirade to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
> > > "God, you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out!
> > > You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect
> > > progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go
> > > exactly WHERE I tell you, WHEN I tell you, and HOW I tell you! You got
> > > that, US Air 2771?"
> > > "Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
> > > Naturally the ground control frequency went terribly silent after the
> > > verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to engage the irate ground
> > > controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at LGA was
> > > running high. Then an unknown pilot broke the silence and asked,
>"Wasn't
> > > I married to you once?"
> > > ----------------------
> > > A DC-10 had an exceedingly long roll out after landing with his approach
> > > speed a little high. San Jose Tower: "American 751 heavy, turn right at
> > > the end of the runway, if able. If not able, take the Guadalupe exit off
> > > Highway 101, make a right at the light and return to the airport."
> > > -------------
> > > Unknown aircraft: "I'm f...ing bored!"
> > > Air Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself
> > > immediately!"
> > > Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"
> > > ----------------------
> > > Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on 124.7."
> > > Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,
>after
> > > we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the
> > > runway." Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure
> > > on 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern?" Continental 635:
> > > "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern
> > > and we've already notified our caterers."
> > > --------------------
> > > The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are a short-tempered
>lot.
> > > They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to
> > > get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some
>amusement
> > > that we (a PanAm 747) listened to the following exchange between
>Frankfurt
> > > ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign "Speedbird 206":
> > > Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
> > > Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
> > > The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
> > > Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?" Speedbird 206:
> > > "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."
> > > Ground (with arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, haff you not been to
> > > Frankfurt before?"
> > > Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 but I didn't stop."
> > > -------------------------
> > > O'Hare Approach Control: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker,
>one
> > > o'clock, three miles, eastbound." United 329:
> > > "Approach, I've always wanted to say this ... I've got the little Fokker
> > > in sight."
> > > ---------------
> > > A Pan Am 727 flight engineer waiting for start clearance in Munich
> > > overheard the following:
> > > Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
> > > Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak English."
> > > Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in
> > > Germany. Why must I speak English?"
> > > Unknown voice (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the
> > > bloody war!"
I totally want to be friends with him.