Ungrateful!

Berlyn

Berlyn

<3 H
May 24, 2007
1,322
1
#1
I just have to vent :tdown:

My boyfriend and I just moved into a new condo. That should be great, but it did come with the added "bonus" of his brother moving in as well. This is because his brother who lived in another state got kicked out of school, thus leaving him a bit homeless. So my boyfriend did the honorable thing of taking his brother in, despite this being our first place and is supposed to be our time to be together.

Let me mention here that I was ALL FOR his brother moving in, and even pushed for it because I thought it was the right thing to do...family first.

So anyway during the time hes been here, which is now almost 3 months...I have let him use my macbookPRO, given him one of my cell phones to use (I pay the bill + all his extra crap), and buy him food more than a few times a week because he recently got fired from the job...that I basically got him through connections.

Our new washer dryer set hasn't gotten here, which I was fine with since we live in an "upscale" building and I thought my laundry would be fine if I took it down to the community washer/dryer room. But then the first time I took laundry down, and also the first time I've EVER done laundry in my life, someone stole a couple of pieces from the dryer. I haven't trusted clothing down there ever since.

So the other day he was saying he doesnt have money for the laundry (big surprise). I told him I'd be happy to give him the money as long as he washed some pieces for me and sat down there and watched it while it dried...which he had no problem with.

Today he says hes going to do the laundry and then I just double check if hes going to wait and he says no :cursing: I was like well you said you would, and he got all mad thinking I'm trying to manipulate him :rolleyes:

Its not a big deal but I feel so taken advantage of:cry: And I also feel he is being ungrateful!

Had to vent, am I in the wrong? Was I being manipulative? Maybe I just need an outside perspective.
 
#2
No, I don't think you were being manipulative. You're being very caring and generous by letting him stay in your Condo (assumed rent free?). What does he do around the house to help you all as a means to "pay you back"?

Does he do the dishes, does he offer to cook dinner, clean a bit?? If not, I think it'd be high time that I started setting those types of rules into place. Why did he get kicked out of school and fired from his job? Does he have some sort of attitude against working/going to school or did he just have bad luck twice? I'd also recommend that you tell him (talk this over with your boyfriend first) that he needs to seriously start looking for a job so that he can get back on his feet.

I honestly wouldn't do too much of this "sure, I'll pay!" stuff. People can get comfortable with that situation pretty quick and then will continue to get you to pay for their things, just so they don't have to carry their own responsibility.
 
#4
^I know! Hopefully not too much longer!

lamiastella said:
No, I don't think you were being manipulative. You're being very caring and generous by letting him stay in your Condo (assumed rent free?). What does he do around the house to help you all as a means to "pay you back"?

Does he do the dishes, does he offer to cook dinner, clean a bit?? If not, I think it'd be high time that I started setting those types of rules into place. Why did he get kicked out of school and fired from his job? Does he have some sort of attitude against working/going to school or did he just have bad luck twice? I'd also recommend that you tell him (talk this over with your boyfriend first) that he needs to seriously start looking for a job so that he can get back on his feet.

I honestly wouldn't do too much of this "sure, I'll pay!" stuff. People can get comfortable with that situation pretty quick and then will continue to get you to pay for their things, just so they don't have to carry their own responsibility.
Click to expand...

Well he "offers" to do things but when it actually comes to doing them its like 2/10 with him not doing it most of the time. He talks a lot of crap but has no actions to back them up.

It is definitely rent free, although when he moved in he did agree to give us rent money, which we've never seen a penny of...or well to be fair he did give us 1/4 of one month's rent ONCE. But then he did borrow $80 from me for a pair of shoes and never paid me back. Big mistake on my part but I felt bad for him that he was wearing shoes with REALLY worn soles.

I think he got kicked out of school because he does dumb things and has problems with anger. He got fired because of his lack of work ethic. Which was really embarassing for me btw, since I used family connections to get him the job. It is really hard looking for employment for someone with absolutely NO education or marketable skills. I'm not employed right now either but I'm getting my MBA and can afford to be stay at home. He gives me the impression he thinks we're equal since we both stay home, but that is just plain wrong :nogood:

It is partly my fault for letting the situation get so bad. I tend to be too free with money and favors, which did make him comfortable like you said. I wouldn't mind if he actually contributed something to the place. What is really insulting is that he actually had the nerve to tell my boyfriend that I don't contribute enough, in the way of cleaning etc. I feel that I contribute plenty though, I paid for all the luxuries here and take care of all the household business stuff like organizing bills and looking for ways to improve the place. I am the lady of the house damn it :roflmfao:

What also annoys the crap out of me is that he feels he is entitled to be angry with me. I don't want this to turn into anything really ugly though, I'm going on vacation later this month and the bf won't be in the condo either, so I don't want him ruining the place. But at the same time things can't stay the way they have been.

He plans to join the military and move out ASAP but thats been the plan forever....he doesnt have his diploma from HS so he'll have to get a GED. He thinks it should be "common sense" so hes not taking studying too seriously which leads me to believe that even if we pay for the exam he'll fail and it'll just be a waste of money. Which would result in him being here even longer:Push:

I didn't want it to turn out this way but I really feel I was taken advantage of. I know that no one can take advantage of you unless you let them, but I really wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt that he was a good guy who was just down and out of luck.
 
#5
you know what if its your condo (or shared with BF) you make the rules. He has no right to demand these things and assume himself as an equal. Give him a set date (1-2 months) to pack himself up and move on, as you cant afford or enjoy to live with him. He should be more than grateful that without you he is virtually homeless, i think you've done your bit to help him but he doesnt want to help himself.
 
#6
This guy sounds like a total leech. He has absolutely no right to come into your home, even if he *were* paying rent, and comment on how much you contribute to it. That's between you and your SO and has nothing to do with him. IMO, if someone wants to live in your house, they have to abide by your rules or they leave. I agree you need to give him a set time that he can stay, and I would also put specific conditions on it (ie, he studies for the GRE x hours per day, does the dishes and laundry--or whatever). If you want it to work, you have to really enforce the rules since this guy sems like he's a pretty quick study in figuring out when he can just do whatever the hell he pleases and get away with it.
 
#10
Like everyone said, you've been MORE than generous! Are you the only family he has to live with?!

I think the mistake was probably not having a clear set of expectations before he moved in. Sometimes those are hard to establish afterward. Maybe his brother can speak to him and come up with a firm timeline... like GED will be completed by x date and a part time job will be had during that time and as soon as the GED is complete he needs to get a full time job and work on moving out by X-date.

You're doing a very nice thing by trying to help him out... but unless you want a permanant roommate! I think you and your bf need to be a little more firm with him about the expectations you have. Maybe if he knows he has to pay for the extras on his cell phone line, or pay for his own laundry, that he'll get his act together a little bit? And if he can't get a job, he can "earn" his keep by doing things around the house... and if he can't get his act together... tell him theis living situation needs to be evaluated.

I have pretty much no tolerance for other people mooching and being lazy! That is basically waht got him in trouble - kicked out of school and fired from job - in the first place, so letting the actions continue under your roof is doing him no good.

Anyway, I'm really sorry you have to put up with him!!!
 
#11
Berlyn -- I think the key question is, what does your boyfriend say that lamiastella said above. It's his brother and you shouldn't be playing traffic cop on this --it sounds like clear limits need to be set and your bf needs to sit his brother down and set them. You shouldn't have to be the bad cop.
I wouldn't coddle my own family member if they were being this irresponsible. It sounds like a "blame the world" situation where growing up involves realizing his problems are his own, and not caused by others. Don't let him put you in the middle like this.
I would sit down with my bf calmly and tell him how you feel, how you think it's time to set some limits with his brother. It will probably get tense for awhile as it sounds like the brother will blame you but the alternative is just not sounding great.
Good luck !!
 
#12
lamiastella said:
You have been more than generous to this guy! What does your boyfriend say about all this?
Click to expand...

ITA with this statement. You and your BF need to talk about this and agree on what needs to be done. He may agree with you but doesn't want to hurt his brother. IMO, his brother needs to get his act together and start acting like an adult. You guys have been far too lenient on him and he's taking advantage of both of you.
 
#13
I know this type of person, and I no longer have any form of charity or pity for them, after having dealt with a few people that behave the exact same way. The guy won't get his act together until you boot him out on his own. He needs to be responsible for his mistakes. You have been more than generous with him, and he obviously has no respect for you or what you have done for him. Sure he'll probably play nice sometimes so he doesn't get thrown to the curb. I used to have the viewpoint that someone like this needs help or needs to be "taught" how to behave. No, he's an adult, and he needs to be out of your house and realizing that his attitude and work ethic have brought him to where he is. I even know a former friend (now I refuse to even speak to him) that said he was going to join the military after getting kicked out of school and his jobs, THEN he got kicked out of the military!!!! You will be doing you and your SO a favor by separating yourself from this guy, less he begin to drag you down with him.
 
#14
If it FEELS like you are being taken advantage of - you ARE!!!

He needs to move out. It is the only way he will get his act together without others help or enabling.
 
#15
You are DEFINITLEY not trying to manipulate him so don't even think that!!

You and your boyfriend have done above and beyond for his brother and he should be thankful!

And this is a little random but for some reason when I read your story I thought of You, Me, and Dupree..LOL.
 
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