We've tried everything...(LONG)

socalchk09

socalchk09

Little Miss Sarai
Apr 22, 2007
37
0
#1
ok, well as you all know, i have a sister on the PF too.

about our situation:
My sister and I are very close, yes we do fight but what siblings dont? We are also very close to my parents. For years now we have been listening to our parents stories which isn't good. My parents have a way of putting us in the middle of their relationships, espicially my sister.

My parents are weird, all though I love them they can get frusterating. My dad pours all this information that we don't need to know on our laps. And its not fair cause if we dont take my dads side then we are betraying him. I love my dad till death but it hurts us to listen to his and my moms marrige problems. I know my sister feels the same way.

My dad tells me and my sister all the time he is going to leave my mom to stay with us and he would give us anything in the world that we wanted. Yet, we are the ones taking care of him. He tells us how he HATES my mom (yes, hate) and how she hates us.

But everytime my parents are together with us...they ALWAYS find a way to put my sister and I down both together. With both of their help. Not one of them stick up for us.

Example:
I have a job now, I am not the working type. I guess I am just used of everything being handed down to me. My parents and I have agreed that since I have a job now all I EVER have to pay for is extra money like going out to expensive place and paying for texting. Here I am, paying for my own food, phone, and even clothes. Its not fair, I cry all the time trying to talk to them and when my dad and I are alone he says its wrong, yet hes the one telling my mom its ok to do it. Its like split personalities that he has.

My mom isn't evil. She just...acts like a 16 year old....when I am the one that is 16.

I know what everyone is going to say, try talking to them. Trust me, my sister and I have tried. NOTHING helps. They both ALWAYS think they are right. They think they are getting close to us but in reality they are pulling us away from them. I love my parents, yes I do but it is very hard taking care of myself and my parents at the same time...I am the one that is 16.

Another Example:
My mom and dad told me they would help me pay for my prom. Lets see....they didnt spend one dime on me.

I bought EVERYTHING:
-dress
-nails
-limo
-food
-hair
-shoes
-jewlry

I paid for EVERYTHING.

and if I ever need some extra money, my sister is the one that backs me up. I see her more like a mom then any other woman. Its not fair to put my sister and I through this...

We don't know what to do, who to go to, or where to go.
 
#2
This is a tough situation - when parents aren't acting like parents. I feel for you! The only thing I can think of doing is to tell both of your parents that you both refuse to be put in the middle of their relationship anymore. And actually do it. So when your dad starts up with problems, interrupt him and say, "I love you very much, and I love mom very much. It hurts me deeply to hear gossip about about your private lives. Let's talk about something else." If he continues on, excuse yourself and leave the room. I assume you live at home with them - it will be really really difficult to do, but what they are doing to both of you is really unhealthy and they need to know it.

I had to pay for everything myself (besides room and board) once I got my first job. I know it sucks now because you feel like you have to take care of everything, but believe me - you'll be far ahead of your friends down the road because you can say you've honestly earned all your possessions and can budget and manage money well. It's good practice for the real world! :smile:
 
#3
Well, it's tough, but at some point you have to stop expecting them to be there for you since they're proving that they aren't. You're 16 so this is when most kids start pulling away from their parents a bit and starting to support themselves emotionally and financially. Life sucks sometimes, so you have to figure out a way to make it work for you, but at the same time balancing morals with "the easy way out".
 
#4
hey

I really know how you feel. and sometimes the things my parents do and say really amaze me and i wish they'd be more responsible and really grow up. and that i shouldn't be put in the middle of them.

i don't have any suggestions for you except to tell you that i know how you feel and i don't think you can really do much to change the situation. all you can possibly do is A) tell your dad that him leaving ur mom and stayijng with you guys is not a possibility and point out that you've been supporting yourself B) tell them you do not want to be put in the middle and try to extricate yourself from those situations C) stand up for yourself when they put you down and point out the inconsistencies like " but dad, didn't you just say last week that it was great that i was doing XYZ"

I k now these sound like sensible suggestions, yet i know that even if you do the above, things might not change that much. mine have the great skill of emotional parent blackmail "You are such an ingrate! I sacrificed so much for you and you won't hear me out. You are so cold and heartless etc etc etc" or the temper tantrum where they tell me "You don't dare speak to me like that, i'm your Dad/Mom and I won't tolerate this etc etc" and then the inflicting parent goes on to ignore me and not speak to me for days.

and unfortunately, i have come to ignore what they say for my own sanity and i do not back down when they use the silent treatment. and sometimes i just cut them off when i know where the conversation is heading. and if you can't take spending as much time with them, then reduce the time you spend with them to a minimum.

it's hard but you gotta deal with the parents you have and maintain your sanity. it's hard and it's draining but hang in there and find your own life and space. Please Pm if you want to chat or vent ok? *hugs hugs hugs*
 
#5
I am so sorry your going through this. I know that growing up and seeing your parents as real people is difficult I know that when I was little I thought my parents Godly that was certainly not true, I know. I was disillusioned somewhat as I got older. Our parents are not perfect and we need to learn how to handle the card that we dealt or the parents we're born to. I hope you tell them how you feel and what you expect from them as your parents. Hopefully they understand and take to heart. Good luck!
 
#6
sailornep5 said:
This is a tough situation - when parents aren't acting like parents. I feel for you! The only thing I can think of doing is to tell both of your parents that you both refuse to be put in the middle of their relationship anymore. And actually do it. So when your dad starts up with problems, interrupt him and say, "I love you very much, and I love mom very much. It hurts me deeply to hear gossip about about your private lives. Let's talk about something else." If he continues on, excuse yourself and leave the room. I assume you live at home with them - it will be really really difficult to do, but what they are doing to both of you is really unhealthy and they need to know it.

I had to pay for everything myself (besides room and board) once I got my first job. I know it sucks now because you feel like you have to take care of everything, but believe me - you'll be far ahead of your friends down the road because you can say you've honestly earned all your possessions and can budget and manage money well. It's good practice for the real world! :smile:
Click to expand...

ITA, the best way to get your dad from talking about your mom, is stop listening.

On the finances..I paid for everything, too, as soon as I got a job. Even before my first real job I babysat, and helped at a convience store for fun money. I know it may seem odd, but I was glad in the long run. It made me strong and independant, taught me to budget my money and to appreciate the things I did buy. It was the same for my dh, so although the $ isn't the issue we took the same stance with my oldest son. It worked out great....he is now in college, and we pay for college and room and board, but he works part time for fun money and is saving for a car. I was so proud of him when he came down just a few days ago and I tried to slip him a few bucks, he said, thanks mom...but I am fine. I knew we had done a good job.
 
#7
twinkle.tink said:
...stop listening....
Click to expand...

This is very good advice, though it may be tough to hear, and tougher to commit to and carry out, especially at 16.

If you can do it, however, it will work. It may not stop dad's lips from moving, but it will stop the harm that his words do to you.

And it is important for your emotional health, and your future relationship with both mom and dad, that the harm stop. It is unfortunate that the burden of doing that falls on your young shoulders, but as others have acknowledged, one's parents do what they do, and all we can do is do the best we can when necessary, take up the slack, and raise ourselves.

This is the time when your parents should be showing you, by both example and counsel, just what a good marriage is all about, but should and is are distant cousins who do not keep in touch like they ought to, and you will have to look elsewhere, maybe the parents of a friend, or an uncle and auntie, for that example and that counsel that will be so important to helping the woman you are becoming be the best she can be.

You might also consider having a very frank talk with your sister, about the way your parents' behavior is affecting you both, and affecting the relationship between the two of you, and enlist her help in doing whatever you need to do to minimize the impact, and the very real potential damage.

If she is not on the same page, and does not seem interested in getting there, don't push it. Maybe she will come around in time, and if she does, it will be because of the pain in her own heart, not your words.

It is small comfort, but you are not the first, nor sadly, will you be the last, young person obliged to take on more of the mantle of adulthood before your time, but if you must, take it with another important part of adulthood which is to maintain balance.

Don't let the fact that you have to be so grownup in the house take away from you the fun that you are entitled to as a 16 year old - or the fun that you will be entitled to as a 66 year old. At the same time that you must in some ways become older than you are, you must work just as hard to keep your heart young, and thus avoid, should you ever have a daughter, repeating the mistakes of your parents!
 
#9
I know it sounds unfair at 16, but parents aren't required to pay for that stuff. I paid for own prom stuff, and my senior class trip to Florida. Your basic meals and putting a roof over your head-sure, but there's no laws out there that say your parents must pay for prom and your text messaging. Those are luxuries.

Maybe have a heart to heart with your parents about how what they say hurts you, but I also think you have to realize that parents aren't there to pay for whatever you desire.
 
#10
I agree with Jillybean but I think that this wasn't the main issue of the OP. it is rather that her parents are mixing the children into their own personal problems - 'hate' is a strong word and isn't a good thing to hear from one's father regarding the mother, certainly not at 16.

actually i read the OP's post like her parents told her that they would pay for something and then didn't follow through, which is kind of like a broken promise. they surely don't have to pay for anything but I believe in open cards - no point saying you will pay for something if you don't want to/can't. easier to say that you wont.

couples, and parents are a couple ultimately, after long marriage have a habit of complaining about each other - as a child you need to extricate yourself bec at 16 it is not your responsibility, YET (it will be at some point bec you will get older and then your parents will need you to talk to). dont mix or discuss bec they will be fine and you will be left with the emotion - the truth is that often people that say a lot will not follow through (and yes, I am talking from experience). for your own sake, withdraw, don't listen, best excuse yourself politely and leave the room. don't confront, unless you are strong enough to hold the conversation. the best thing is to leave and concentrate on yourself. you are lucky you have your sister, so just stick together and you will be fine.
 
#11
Wow...It's so great to see that you and I are on the exact same page. I totally agree with Shimma Puff and you and I are going to sit down for a long talk about how we want to work through this. You and I are BSF remember? Best Sister Forever... :-]] We'll figure it out.
 
#12
jillybean307 said:
...parents aren't required to pay for that stuff. I paid for own prom stuff, and my senior class trip to Florida. Your basic meals and putting a roof over your head-sure, but there's no laws out there that say your parents must pay for prom and your text messaging...
Click to expand...
What you say is certainly very true, however, I would urge - no, I would plead with anyone considering parenthood who is of the opinion, and plans, to provide their child with only what the "law requires" so to speak, to reconsider the question of parenthood.

There are certainly parents who are hard-pressed to afford even the basics for their kids, and if that is the case, I would make the same suggestion to them.

The idea of raising a child, and never giving it anything more than a roof and food, and I presume some sort of clothing, in communities where nudity would also involve some legal issues, as well as communities where temperatures drop in winter, seems to me to be so highly distasteful and beyond sad that I have to say something.

The whole point of being a parent is love, and we want to give those we love all we can give them. Even if we are poor, we will strive to provide some "luxuries," because those are not luxuries - those are what separates parents - or people who love us in general - from underfunded state-run institutions featured in scandal-and-expose pieces on 20/20 - or those found in Charles Dickens novels. Or prisons.

In my opinion, people who would be OK with providing a child with only the necessities of life, quite aside from the question of their financial means, would do well to consider just why they wish to have children.

This is not to say that in order to be a good parent, one must comply with a child's every desire. On the contrary, the best parents, in my view, deliberately do NOT do that, even though they might have no trouble doing so financially. It is good for children to learn all those cliches about money not growing on trees, and cutting lawns to pay for the expensive gadget, etc, but there is a FAR cry between giving the child any and everything he ever wants and considering that once one has provided the basics of survival, that one's obligation is done, and the child will get that and nothing more!

There is much to be said for moderation, whether the subject is indulging the desires of children or choosing how many cocktails one will enjoy before dinner, but there is even more to be said for love, because people who are suited to be parents will be motivated first, last, and in between, by love, and it will be love that drives them to provide what little luxuries and fun they can, even if it is not the costly and glittering thing that the rich child has, and it is love that will prevent the wealthy parent from instantly providing each and every thing that the child wants!

And lara is correct that this is not really socalchk's issue, and I do not mean to hijack the thread, but something about that comment just grabbed me, and I could not sit on my fingers!
:back2topic:
 
#13
I'm not going to lie -- you sound spoiled. MANY young women pay for proms themselves. I don't understand the assumption that prom is somehow a necessity and not a luxury? Parents are not put on this earth to provide for your every material desire. Have you ever traveled? Maybe that would put your view into perspective: you are truly blessed to have two parents whom you "love to death." Regardless of whether or not they failed to get you a limo for your prom (*GASP* oh the abuse!), you are a very, very lucky girl.
 
#14
...stop listening...

is good advice. Be happy that you have a sister who's close to you. There are sometimes situations where parents try to play off siblings against one another too, which is regrettable.

My mom, who is a sweet and kind old lady nonetheless sometimes pushes my buttons the wrong way by saying something about a friend or a relative that I don't want to or need to hear. I then tell her "Mom, you told me this last week too. If X is bothering you, go talk it out with them. It's useless telling me about it!"

Some older, maybe emigrant parents see what young girls now see as a necessity as an extravagance. I'm quite serious about this. My dad's friend who migrated to the US from a third world country in the 70s was absolutely shocked when his daughter wanted a limo for her prom. He said " She wants a LIMO for her highschool party ? In my country you were lucky if you got a car to go to your own wedding!"
 
#15
IntlSet said:
I'm not going to lie -- you sound spoiled. MANY young women pay for proms themselves. I don't understand the assumption that prom is somehow a necessity and not a luxury? Parents are not put on this earth to provide for your every material desire. Have you ever traveled? Maybe that would put your view into perspective: you are truly blessed to have two parents whom you "love to death." Regardless of whether or not they failed to get you a limo for your prom (*GASP* oh the abuse!), you are a very, very lucky girl.
Click to expand...

Im not going to sit here and protect my little sister, yes, she can be spoiled and yes, alot of girls do pay for their own proms but it's the fact that my mother would much rather go out and be at the gym all day and pay for her shopping sprees than pay for my sister's things. My mom didnt pay for Prom because she's poor, on the contrary, that woman makes bank. She didnt pay for my sister's prom because my mother is a very selfish woman who believes the world has to revolve around her. This wasnt just an issue with my sister, i mean I lived through it when I was a teen as well. My mom and I are only 14 years apart and her joy in life was that people would think we were sisters. So motherhood to her took a backseat.

So I dont understand why you would assume my sister is spoiled when in reality, my mother barely gives to her.
 
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