Am I being unreasonable? boyfriend troubles :(

effinhaute

effinhaute

Member
Sep 18, 2006
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#1
Hello gals. I've been having so much trouble with this.... Its been about 8 months into our relationship... in the beginning like any relationship it was doing really well. I told him I didn't like the fact that he smoked cigarettes and he quit for me. It was going well but as time went by I realized he would take the occasional cigarette.. and 1 turned into 3 and now he does it whenever he wants infront of me. and wehnever his friends are back from school all they do is smoke pot and cigarettes practically everyday, which also really bothers me...

So I get annoyed sometimes and turns into a huge fight... am i being unreasonable? I dont want to feel like this or be such a burden, but I realy can't help it. Any advice ladies.. im in dire need of one :sad: we're taking a break as of right now..
 
#2
If smoking is a deal-breaker for you, it sounds like he isn't the right person. The fact that he has started to do it front of you, especially when he knows you don't like it, means he is losing respect for you. I think your "break" should become a little more permanent, unfortunately. :sad:

But don't despair, there are lots of guys out there that are great AND don't smoke! You can find the right person for you!
 
#3
well, I have been on the other side of that. I was the smoker and DH hated it and made redicious deals with me to quit. So I said yes, and effed up numerous times and especially wher there was alcohol around, which back in the day and living with 4 boys...was often!!! I would definitely take advantage when I could because basically when I was drinking it was O.K. lol this sounds so bad. anyways I would get mad at him for trying to control me, and I smoked when I met him, etc... but eventually I quit, and its been 11 months now, and everyone is happy about it. Its a very hard thing to do though, especially if he is around people who like to smoke or drink. I personally don't think it calls for the end of a relationship. Its very hard to do something for someone else and not because you want to. I have a hapy ending and maybe you will too. Hopefully in the end he does quit, but he's going to have to do it for himself.
 
#4
oh, I find this one difficult bec I was the one who quit smoking after a short time and I don't feel sorry about it at all. i didn't mind giving it up for my husband, in the end it is for my health as much as his.
I personally would have an issue with the pot smoking but that is bec I can't stand people when they have smoked pot, like I don't like drunks. but it sounds like this will continue so I say move on.
 
#5
I think you're in that point in your relationship where you've become comfortable with one another and he has just stopped...I don't want to say caring, but he has let himself go because he knows that he can.

I would talk to him about this and let him know that it upsets you that he started smoking again - but don't go into it angry...That won't solve anything.

Bart also quit smoking for me (and the baby) when we found out we were pregnant. I know he still has the occasional ciggy or cigar when he's out with his clients and they offer him one at dinner, but other than that he doesn't smoke anymore.

I don't think it's unreasonable that you're upset about it, but maybe you need to go into the discussion in a different way. All in all, it's his body and he can do what he wants to with it. Don't end your relationship because of this. I have never smoked, so I don't know what it's like to be addicted, but I have heard from my parents (who both quit) and some other family members of mine that it is extremely difficult. Just give it time and like Danica said, he's going to have to do it for himself.
 
#7
sailornep5 said:
If smoking is a deal-breaker for you, it sounds like he isn't the right person. The fact that he has started to do it front of you, especially when he knows you don't like it, means he is losing respect for you. I think your "break" should become a little more permanent, unfortunately. :sad:

But don't despair, there are lots of guys out there that are great AND don't smoke! You can find the right person for you!
Click to expand...

ITA :yes:
 
#8
The only thing I think is unreasonable is the idea that you're trying to change your man. You knew he smoked when you started dating him...right? If it was that big of a deal why get into a relationship? If he wants to stop smoking he will, if not, it's up to you to decide if it's a big enough deal for you to stop seeing him.
 
#9
This happened to me too.

A guy I liked quite a bit kept asking me out, and I told him the one reason I didn't want to go is because *I* quit smoking and I didn't want to be with a smoker. I would start again. That simple. He saw my point of view, quit smoking, and we went out. He had stopped for 6 months when I moved in. All was well.

Then he started to smoke. First on the sly, then more and more in the apt when I wasn't there. Eventually I was back in an environment I tried so hard to leave.

I gave him an ultimatum. Quit or I leave. This was fair - it wasn't acceptable to be smoking when we started dating and it still wasn't acceptable after I was invested in him and our relationship. He hemmed and hawwed. So I left.

It was ABSOLUTELY the right choice. I am happily married to a non-smoker and I have never again been tempted to start smoking again. DH holds the same convictions as I do. And now even the smell of ciggarettes makes my eyes burn and throat get tight.

Do whats right for you. Period. There are lots of guys out there that don't smoke if that is important to you. And it sounds like it is. Good luck either way.
 
#10
Cigs? Yeah they are gross and a total deal breaker for me but the "pot" is what makes me say loser....an occasional hit at a party is one thing(not for me, anyhow) but everyday....Run, don't walk honey! You sound like a smart woman and the break sounds like a wise choice.
 
#11
I don't think that's unreasonable at all...Before I got with my bf, I made it VERY clear that smoking was a deal breaker :yucky: One time, we broke up and he took up smoking again. I was so desperate to get back together that I "didn't mind" if he smoked..........well, after one week I realized that even though I loved him, I COULD NOT stand the smoking. I gave the ultimatum, and he immediately quit. Now he tells me all the time he's so thankful I "ruled with an iron fist" about smoking, bc he says he can't imagine doing something that might eventually take him away from me or our future kids!!! :yes:
 
#12
I've never dated a smoker... because he was a smoker. If there is something from the get-go that I don't like about a person, I don't waste my time trying to change them because I wouldn't want someone to do that to me, it's a part of their life and it's unfair. Now, on the other hand, if he said he would quit smoking with no problem at all for you... rock on, thats fantastic and all is good. But being that he kind of let that ship sail... I'd re-evaluate my relationship. It's not really a matter of who is being reasonable and who isn't, it's just two people who value different things in their lives. IMO.
 
#13
effinhaute said:
Hello gals. I've been having so much trouble with this.... Its been about 8 months into our relationship... in the beginning like any relationship it was doing really well. I told him I didn't like the fact that he smoked cigarettes and he quit for me. It was going well but as time went by I realized he would take the occasional cigarette.. and 1 turned into 3 and now he does it whenever he wants infront of me. and wehnever his friends are back from school all they do is smoke pot and cigarettes practically everyday, which also really bothers me...

So I get annoyed sometimes and turns into a huge fight... am i being unreasonable? I dont want to feel like this or be such a burden, but I realy can't help it. Any advice ladies.. im in dire need of one :sad: we're taking a break as of right now..
Click to expand...

i don't think you're being unreasonable. people have their own things that they just can't except.
i can't be with guys who made sound when eating, no matter how incredible he is, i just can't stand it.
if it's a big deal for you, don't try to work it out. because it's obvious that he had no intention to quit yet.
because i think when people quit smoking it must come from themselves.
i'm a heavy smoker, and i know i won't quit for my bf. i can tolerate and lessen my smokes but to totally quit, it need to come from me and not from someone else.
it's like if you're a bag crazy and ur bf asked you to not buy bags anymore.
 
#14
CoachKatie said:
I've never dated a smoker... because he was a smoker. If there is something from the get-go that I don't like about a person, I don't waste my time trying to change them because I wouldn't want someone to do that to me, it's a part of their life and it's unfair. Now, on the other hand, if he said he would quit smoking with no problem at all for you... rock on, thats fantastic and all is good. But being that he kind of let that ship sail... I'd re-evaluate my relationship. It's not really a matter of who is being reasonable and who isn't, it's just two people who value different things in their lives. IMO.
Click to expand...

I like this one!
 
#15
CoachKatie said:
I've never dated a smoker... because he was a smoker. If there is something from the get-go that I don't like about a person, I don't waste my time trying to change them because I wouldn't want someone to do that to me, it's a part of their life and it's unfair. Now, on the other hand, if he said he would quit smoking with no problem at all for you... rock on, thats fantastic and all is good. But being that he kind of let that ship sail... I'd re-evaluate my relationship. It's not really a matter of who is being reasonable and who isn't, it's just two people who value different things in their lives. IMO.
Click to expand...

ita!
 
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