I need help... BIG TIME

krmkjk

krmkjk

Kelli
Jan 15, 2007
5,139
5
#1
Alright, this may be LONG!

I've been dating my fiance for 4 years (this Monday). We got engaged in September.

Well he sorta drinks Jack & Coke ALL the time. He used to drink maybe a few on the weekends. The thing is, he doesn't know his limits when he DOES drink a lot.

The other night he called me at 2 in the morning at told me to come pick him up! HE WRECKED HIS CAR!!! He was SO drunk! I just called his parents to go pick him up and I turned off my phone. (I know that's kinda mean, but I was having a panic attack when he told me that... I didn't know what to do!!!) Well the police NEVER saw the wreck or ANYTHING!

ANYWAYS... just recently (last week) he moved out of his dads house and into his own apartment. I didn't want to live with him since I'm supposed to be going to Germany for a few months. Well now she has another guy living ther (hes about 37??) My fiance is 20.. Well I went to visit the other day and there was 2 JACK BOTTLES on DISPLAY on the counter (all empty)!!! It was SO trashy! I went the NEXT day and the was a Crown bottle and another Jack (and again... empty!)

He's been drinking EVERYDAY sunce he's moved in and he's changed so much!

I really don't know what to do anymore. I've been having little bouts of crying for the past 2 weeks! I'm actually crying right now. I just called him and he SAYS he's not drinking, but I KNOW he is by the words he's using!

I love him SO much. We've never had so many problems in all of our 4 years together. He's my only friend (seriously). I try to push myself away from him and try to stop loving him, but it's SO hard and everytime I think about him I start to cry!

Iv'e talked to him MILLIONS of times about his drinking and he insists he doesn't drink a lot, but he DOES!!

I'm sorry if I sound crazy, but I'm out of it now b/c I've been crying so much! I don't want to loose my best friend/ fiance but it feels like I am. We've been fighting everyday for 2 weeks. We dont kiss eat other anymore when we see each other and I'm constantly hanging up on him!

He just CANT get things threw his head! His BEST FRIEND was drinking & driving and him another car head on... killed himslef and 2 other people... my ex-BF died while drinking and driving and my other friend was killed by a drunk driver! THIS IS EXACTLY WHY I DON'T DRINK!!!


PLEASE SOMEONE GIVE ME ADVICE!! I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I ALREADY GAVE HIM A WARNING AND HE BROKE IT, BUT I STILL HAVN'T LEFT HIM!

WHAT DO I DO???
 
#2
That totally sucks. I know it's easy to say just break up with him but of course when you are in the situation yourself it's not easy at all.

I was once very much in love with a guy who drank a lot, every day. I ended up in a women's therapy group after he dumped me and the lady who led the group was in AA. She recommended I go to Al-Anon meetings (for friends and family of alcoholics.) I never actually found one but I did realize that I never knew how bad his drinking was until later on. I used to think he was just having fun and I was so into him I didn't care.

If you are going to Germany without him that will give you a good chance to be alone and think about things. He's got a lot of growing up to do. This could be a serious problem throughout the course of your relationship if he doesn't change his behavior. There is no need for you to rush into getting married. You are also still very young. I was engaged when I was 19 and looking back I am so glad I didn't marry him. You and he both will change a lot as you mature.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying it can't work. My parents were married at 20 and have been married over 40 years, but just be careful.
 
#3
Wow....First of all I am sorry for your losses and what you are going through now with your fiance. I work with addicts in acute detox and it just amazes me the things my patients put their families through.
If this was me, knowing what I know now about addicts and the cycle of addiction, I would get out now (I'm speaking as if it were me...not telling you what to do). 4 years seems like an eternity and you mention he is your only friend....but ask yourself if you want to be in a relationship like this for the rest of your life? Do you want to have a family with someone like this that you can't depend on?
I think it was wise of you to have his parents pick him up and shut off your phone. You are also very wise not to move in with him. Maybe this is a phase....could be.....maybe a little tough love will eventually help him realize that it's either you or alcohol.
This is a very serious issue and I hope that first and foremost you put yourself first. Crying is good....Do you have any family close by that you can spend time with? I'm glad you posted here.
Any questions feel free to PM me. I know this forum is very supportive. Hugs...:heart:
 
#4
Oh Sweetie, I'm sorry you are feeling so lost. From what you say, your fiance definitely has a drinking problem. It sounds like he's pretty much hit bottom with this car accident. Thank goodness only the car was damaged and it went unnoticed so to speak.

What do his parents think? He's 20 years old, do they not want to intervine? This does sound like more than just a young guy who drinks alot.
I think he needs help, an intervention, before he hurts himself or someone else. BUT, I think you know all this already. Get together with his family and friends and talk about this and what to do to help him. I think you going at this alone won't be enough. It needs to be a group effort. Please don't take it personal though, as though you can't fix him or that he won't do it for you. Addiction is so powerful. I don't think just walking away is the answer for you at this point, sounds to me like you feel he's worth it. People can change, get better, recover, if they want to. That's the key.

"There is no need for you to rush into getting married. You are also still very young. You and he both will change a lot as you mature."

Love is powerful, but I will pray that he will clearly see his ways and want help as this can only be what leads him to recovery.
 
#5
I'm sorry to hear about this. I'm not an addiction specialist or marriage counselor, but I would strongly advise you to visit each one of these. If you really love him and want to be with him, you might be able to make the relationship work. However, you must realize that when you enter a marriage, you have to take the person as a whole, flaws and all. You would be financially and emotionally responsible for each other, so think hard. His drinking is a very serious problem, and you've got much work to do if he can't even admit to it. Therefore, before you marry him, consult some experts who'd be able to help you.
 
#6
*Hugs* I'm so sorry for what you're going through. Have you tried sitting him down face to face and telling him that you're worried about him, and that he might have a problem? Or can you go to his parents for them to try and help you? The hardest part of having a problem is actually admitting that you do have one - maybe he just can't come to terms with it? But if you have tried all of this then perhaps what he needs is a good lesson taught to him. You could potentially phone the police the next time he calls you if he is drunk driving. I personally wouldn't want him on the road drunk because he might not only cause harm to himself, but to the other unsuspecting people on the road.

I wish you much strength and I hope everything turns out okay.
 
#7
pr1nc355 said:
I'm sorry to hear about this. I'm not an addiction specialist or marriage counselor, but I would strongly advise you to visit each one of these. If you really love him and want to be with him, you might be able to make the relationship work. However, you must realize that when you enter a marriage, you have to take the person as a whole, flaws and all. You would be financially and emotionally responsible for each other, so think hard. His drinking is a very serious problem, and you've got much work to do if he can't even admit to it. Therefore, before you marry him, consult some experts who'd be able to help you.
Click to expand...

I completely agree...I think you both should attend a counselor of some kind to work through your problems.
I hope everything works out for you and know that we're all here for you. :heart:
 
#8
i am really sorry to hear this - I have had my fair share with alcohol-related stories but not like this. I hear ya, I don't touch a drop (maybe extreme but better)

I know this will sound awful and I don't want you to cry anymore but LEAVE. quickly, very quickly. he is in denial and it may take A LOT more for him to come out of there. he will not see the need to change if you are with him - I have seen it time and again - even if he just wants to have his fun and doesn't need the alcohol, it will not change. you are going away, right? this is your perfect chance IMO. you will have the option to forget and move on, at least you have some distance. if he takes that chance to clear up his act and it will live a different life when you come back you can think about working it out together.
better yet, find a partner that does not drink either - better for you.

you can try counselling but only if he wants that as well and by the sound of it i doubt that right now. sorry to be so blunt but as we say here in Germany: better an end with horror than horror without end. I realise this is terrible for you but let me tell you, much worse to realise in 5 to 10 years time (with kids possibly) that nothing has changed....
do you have your family there? this is good time to activate them.

I wish you all the best and send hugs your way. don't despair, tomorrow is a better day and it will work out for you in the end.
 
#9
Im so sorry :s..
you're in such a tough situation, I hope you'll find the strength to do something and quick. You should meet him face to face and tell him exactly how you feel and tell him that you'll leave him if he doesn't stop ASAP. And then ask him that 'does alcohol really mean more to him than you do'. If he doesn't stop then you've got your answer. Then I say you should leave him. I can't even begin to understand how hard this is for you, but you don't really have any other choice.

I hope everything will work out for you one way or the other. Keep us posted
 
#10
I am alot older than you, but my first reaction is you are way too young to be engaged. It sounds like this is your first serious boyfriend -- dating since you were 16? And the drinking -- maybe it is rite of youthful passage, but it doesn't sound like it's frat party stuff, especially since he's living with a 30 y/o. Life with an addict is not pretty.
Go to Germany. Be open to other people/relationships. Give yourself a change to grow up and learn who you are. And give him a chance to grow up -- or not. But please, don't marry someone thinking you can "save" him or change him. You can't. Only he can do that. And I would stay far, far away from him unless he proves -- really over a long period -- that he has done just that. Just think of getting that same kind of phone call after you are married, with a couple of kids sleeping down the hall, and the cops are involved, and he loses his license, his job, your car insurance, etc etc
 
#11
pr1nc355 said:
I'm sorry to hear about this. I'm not an addiction specialist or marriage counselor, but I would strongly advise you to visit each one of these. If you really love him and want to be with him, you might be able to make the relationship work. However, you must realize that when you enter a marriage, you have to take the person as a whole, flaws and all. You would be financially and emotionally responsible for each other, so think hard. His drinking is a very serious problem, and you've got much work to do if he can't even admit to it. Therefore, before you marry him, consult some experts who'd be able to help you.
Click to expand...

I totally agree. I'm so sorry that you're going through this but hopefully everything will calm down soon, just hang in there *hugs*
 
#12
lulilu said:
I am alot older than you, but my first reaction is you are way too young to be engaged. It sounds like this is your first serious boyfriend -- dating since you were 16? And the drinking -- maybe it is rite of youthful passage, but it doesn't sound like it's frat party stuff, especially since he's living with a 30 y/o. Life with an addict is not pretty.
Go to Germany. Be open to other people/relationships. Give yourself a change to grow up and learn who you are. And give him a chance to grow up -- or not. But please, don't marry someone thinking you can "save" him or change him. You can't. Only he can do that. And I would stay far, far away from him unless he proves -- really over a long period -- that he has done just that. Just think of getting that same kind of phone call after you are married, with a couple of kids sleeping down the hall, and the cops are involved, and he loses his license, his job, your car insurance, etc etc
Click to expand...
I agree with lulilu and everyone else has offered some great advice. Your heart may ache for months, but speaking from experience, isn't it better to hurt and endure the pain of a broken heart which will eventually heal and renew itself even stronger, than to hurt and suffer for years and years in a situtation that may take decades to resolve itself, which in turn may cripple you in so many ways? The warning signs are clearly there:sad:
You are so young! Really think about it objectively. What advice what you give someone close to you if she were in your situtation and hurting and confused? People do not "recover" until they themselves step up to the plate and truely confess their "problem" and seek help. Again, you are so young with your entire life ahead of you....how exciting! Life is much too short, dear. Years fly by like minutes. Enjoy your youth and live it without unnecessary heartache. (only you have the power to move on and grow) The man who was made just for you may never get the opportunity to meet you and fall in love with you if you continue to cling to a man and a situtation such as you described. Run away!
 
#13
This is a really hard situation and I can't even begin to understand the hurt and pain you are feeling.. I am really sorry.

But this situation does not sound safe really- he sounds as if he needs help, and you may need to talk to a counselor and maybe talk to his parents, and keep trying to talk to him.

But trust me, if you are staying with him just because you feel like he is your only friend and it is comfortable- that may not be the right reason. You need to be with someone you can not be without, not someone you can just be with.

Lots of thoughts and hugs going your way.
 
#14
I am going to share something personal with you. Many years ago, I was involved with someone who drank and your SO sounds very similar to him. DO NOT STAY WITH THIS PERSON. The person I was with eventually became abusive when he was drinking and it took me years to recover from that treatment. He also would not leave me alone after I dumped him and I had to get the police involved.

Read about co-dependency below. You are co-dependent and he has isolated you from others in order to keep you that way.

Codependency
 
#15
I'm so sorry that you're going through this, Kelli.

Since you will be going to Germany soon (Where are you going?), I think it might be time that you take a break from this guy and let him know that if he continues to drink and be as IRRESPONSIBLE as he is being, you can't be with him. I absolutely agree with Roo, that you have become codependent on him.

Your boyfriend needs help...soon. Before he kills himself or somebody else. Don't stay with him just because you are afraid of being alone. You will NEVER be alone as long as you have your family.

If I were you, I'd pretty much say "Give up your drinking or I'm outta here!"

Have a nice time in Germany! Will you be studying here or just visiting?
 
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