This is something I've always had in my mind and the death in the family thread brought it back. Do you think it's truly "forgiveness" if you forgive someone just for the sake of it, ie so they don't feel bad anymore, or so can move on. I mean, you're not really forgiving them or what they did. KWIM? What do you guys think?
Forgiveness
- Thread starter statfan
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Speaking as someone who has lived half their life; i think there comes a time when forgiveness is more for yourself so that you are able to let go. We all make mistakes - but holding on and dwelling on a wrong only causes stress. Life really is too short to fill it with biterness.
I agree.....Forgiveness is more than just saying the words "Im sorry" aloud..Its about realizing we are all human and none of us are perfect.We are better people when we realize that each of us makes our own mistakes and needs a little forgiveness a least some time in our lives.Noone is perfect..Period.
i think its so easy to say sorry and yes i forgive you, but to really forgive, its hard for me. i really hold onto somethings and well i dwell and i really need to move on. sometimes i find myself wondering 'what ifs' and its not worth it. to have the capicity to forgive (like really forgive) is an amazing trait and there are times when i need to just do it and stick with it.
ITA. This what I meant, we, myself included, go around "forgiving" people, but it seems we're doing it for ourselves or to not make them feel bad when we aren't ready, or can't, forgive. So, it's like they may think things are cool but we're harboring miffed feelings. I don't think that's true "forgiveness".
i think i encounter the most problems forgiving when that same individual who made the mistake initally does something similar or worse again and again...its like that 'sorry' has lost its meaning and i say i forgive you to just try to stop an argument. i dont really get any sense of closure at all. i really need to find a way to stop depending on someone to say they are sorry and just forgive and forget, but its hard.
Exactly right. Forgiveness lets us move on, and it's possible to forgive without the offender ever apologizing. "Forgiving" just so the other person doesn't feel bad doesn't make much sense to me. If it's not heartfelt, it doesn't mean much. I don't say empty words, but neither do I hold on to hurts very long. A resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. We only hurt ourselves.
I have a story to tell about my mother's best friend. She was a great person, strong willed, and very full of life. Her husband cheated on her twenty years ago. She found out and she chose to stay with him for her son. But, she couldn't forgive her husband which is understandable. She made him sleep on the couch everynight for 10 years. He had begged her to forgive him but she couldn't. She just kept pushing him away. He would even call my mother to talk to her about it. He finally couldn't stand her and left.
A year after he left her, my mother invited her and her son to move down from New York to stay with us. She agreed and went to have a check up before moving down here. The doctors found that she had advanced ovarian cancer and her chances of surviving were slim. When my mother found out about it we went up to see her. She became a shadow of who she was. She couldn't even stand, she was in a wheelchair. My mother took care of her. We stayed for three weeks and it was the longest three weeks of my life. I was 16 at the time. Her son lived with her and it was all very hard for him, he went to Stuyvesant High School in Manhattan. Very smart kid, he is a year older than me.
She told my mother that she regretted not forgiving her husband for the past. My mother called her husband and he came over to see her and they had a long talk. They never officially divorced. Three months later she passed away, the only person that was with her was her son. Her son was so affected by her death that he flunked out of school. I don't know what happened to him. I haven't been able to contact him.
Her inability to forgive not only hurt herself and her husband but also her son. She held onto it and grew more and more bitter. She lived in the past and it made her present and future miserable. It's been seven years since she passed. I still think about her. She had a sad life, and in the end she didn't want to go and was filled with regret. Life is a gift to us all and meant to be enjoyed. Sorry this is so long.
A year after he left her, my mother invited her and her son to move down from New York to stay with us. She agreed and went to have a check up before moving down here. The doctors found that she had advanced ovarian cancer and her chances of surviving were slim. When my mother found out about it we went up to see her. She became a shadow of who she was. She couldn't even stand, she was in a wheelchair. My mother took care of her. We stayed for three weeks and it was the longest three weeks of my life. I was 16 at the time. Her son lived with her and it was all very hard for him, he went to Stuyvesant High School in Manhattan. Very smart kid, he is a year older than me.
She told my mother that she regretted not forgiving her husband for the past. My mother called her husband and he came over to see her and they had a long talk. They never officially divorced. Three months later she passed away, the only person that was with her was her son. Her son was so affected by her death that he flunked out of school. I don't know what happened to him. I haven't been able to contact him.
Her inability to forgive not only hurt herself and her husband but also her son. She held onto it and grew more and more bitter. She lived in the past and it made her present and future miserable. It's been seven years since she passed. I still think about her. She had a sad life, and in the end she didn't want to go and was filled with regret. Life is a gift to us all and meant to be enjoyed. Sorry this is so long.
Then you forgive them again and again. As shanam points out so eloquently, the forgiveness is for you!
This does not mean that you continue to leave your purse alone in the room with someone who has repeatedly stolen from you, or leave your heart with an alleged Significant Other who repeatedly hurts you.
Even if you end a relationship, that does not preclude you forgiving the person for whatever they have done. You forgive, and you move on, and that forgiveness will enable you to move on more gracefully, and unencumbered by "emotional baggage!"
I think forgiveness comes easier for some of us as we age. We have the awareness of time, have survived more negative experiences.
Sometimes you have to forgive & let the person go like bat's situation. Forgiving doesn't mean you have to keep putting up with toxic behavior.
Sometimes you have to forgive & let the person go like bat's situation. Forgiving doesn't mean you have to keep putting up with toxic behavior.