I have to give up my kitty and I feel like such a bad person.

cupcake

cupcake

O.G.
May 5, 2006
3,659
53
#1
I just don't see any other options.

I am getting married in four months and my fiance has two kids and a dog. The dog pretty much belongs to his daughter, who is 13, and they have had it for three years or so. My cat is 12 years old; I've had her since she was six months old and I love her like she's my child. She is the sweetest cat I've ever had and she and I have been through a lot together, especially over the last couple years. She has no behavioral issues, no litter box problems - nothing. She's in perfect heath and my vet is amazed by her; she can't believe she is 12 years old.

My fiance's dog is a complete PITA. It's not really the dog's fault, as they never took the time to train it. It jumps on everyone who walks in the door. It begs for food. It has food aggression. It doesn't know what "no" means. It barks constantly. It doesn't know how to sit, stay or anything else for that matter. It's an out of control, obnoxious little dog. Oh yeah, and it BITES. It has bit me twice in the last six months. And, we're not talking about play bites either. I'm talking about attack-like growling bites when you try to take something away (like the paper towel it was eating on the dining room floor). Seriously, I hate the dog. When I tell people that, they can't believe it because I am such a huge animal lover and advocate. Me, hate someone's pet? Yup.

There's no way I can bring my cat into their house. We already tried introducing them at my apartment with the dog on a leash and she went right for the cat like she was going to attack. My cat hid under the bed and didn't come out for a day. If I take her with me, she will live the rest of her life scared, hiding under a bed, only to come out to eat and use her litter box. There's no way I could do that to her. And, I'm afraid that the dog would bite her. If the dog hurt her in any way, I really think I'd kill it. Seriously.

My fiance has not gotten involved at this point and I completely understand why. This isn't an issue of dog vs. cat; it's an issue of kids vs. cupcake. He hates the dog and would gladly find another home for it but if he tells the kids that they have to get rid of the dog, they will be devastated and resent us both (but, mostly me). He can't win. He keeps telling me that it will be okay and that they will lean to live with each other but I just don't see it and I think it would be incredibly cruel to bring her into this house with that angry and aggressive little dog. I love her too much to make her suffer the rest of her life.

My exhusband has already agreed to take my cat. If she can't be with me, he is the person I'd most like her to be with. He loved her as much as I did and I know that she'd be most comfortable with him. I trust him with her and I know that he will take very good care of her.

Am I doing the right thing? Every time I think about it, I cry. The thought of giving her up breaks my heart into a million pieces but I feel like this is the best thing for HER. I just can't believe I have to give her up.
 
#2
while reading the whole thing iw as thinking "don't give up the kitty!!!!!" but since you know someone that you absolutely trust to give the cat to, it might not be that bad of an idea.

however if i was engaged and had to choose between my cats and a husband. my cats would win hands down.

maybe tell your fiance that he needs to get training for the dog. if the dog is that aggressive i'm a bit surprised that the kids like it so much. although i would hate for them to have to give up their dog as well. i hate it when people give up pets if you're unsure of what will happen to them.

what will your living situation be like when you get married? i'm wondering if there are different parts of the house that the dog and cat could live in so that they won't bother one another.
 
#3
Because the dog is so aggressive, you are doing the right thing by not bringing her into your new home.
I certainly do not blame you for not liking the dog. It has been allowed to have complete run of the home and has not had any discipline. The fact that you have been bitten twice is unacceptable. The dog need training and pronto. If that dog were to bite another person or animal, it could be destroyed given it's history of biting/aggression. It also does not sound like a safe dog to have around the children either.
I know that you and DF are in an us vs them situation, however, that dog needs training. It's not negotiable.
 
#4
I would give your cat to your ex-husband (at least for now) because you know he can be trusted with your baby.

Next, I would INSIST that the dog be trained. I would not want to live in a house where the dog bites. That would be a deal breaker for me. If his daughter is 13, she is old enough to take responsibility for assisting in training the dog. I wouldn't wait another second. If that dog bites a neighbor or another dog, you could be looking at some serious trouble.
 
#6
First off, you need to get that dog trained or find it a new home. If it is in any way aggressive, it should not be living in a home with children. None of this is your fault. However, I guarantee neither you or your fiance want to deal with a possible lawsuit if the bites someone other than family (which it should not be doing in the first place).
And think about it, taking the dog to training classes with your fiance's kids could be a bonding thing for both of you guys.


Now for the cat -
I think if you trust your ex and your cat would be happiest there, you're doing the right thing. Hopefully you would be able to visit her occasionally too and that would make the transition a little less difficult.
 
#7
I agree with everyone else. I don't think you're being a bad pet parent at all - you are doing the right thing in this situation. You have to do what is best for your kitty - and bringing her into that situation definitely doesn't fall into that category. I think you just have to love her enough to let her go. At least for now.

I can understand how upset you must be (I can't imagine being in this situation). I don't know how I could give up a pet I'd had for nearly 12 years. Honestly I think I'd be upset with my fiance for allowing the dog to be raised this way with no training, especially around children.

Is the dog crate trained? I'm going to guess no.

It sounds like your ex will give your cat a good, loving home and perhaps you can visit her often. The only other option is perhaps keeping the pets separated by locking parts of the house off. I can't recommend this, though, especially with children, because I'm sure it would end up someone leaving a door open or something.

That dog needs training asap. The fact that the dog has bitten you twice is totally unacceptable and not a safe environment for the children or you, or any other pets. That's ridiculous.
 
#8
Thanks for all of your support; I really appreciate it.

My plan is to demand training when I give up my cat, which will be shortly before we get married. Having to give up my cat gives me huge leverage with the training. I will make sure that my fiance's daughter goes though the training with me, as the dog is technically hers.

As much as I hate to say it, I actually feel bad for the dog. It's not her fault that she wasn't trained and has been allowed to act like a wild animal. I am not angry or resentful toward my fiance because of the dog, either. He was trying to be a good dad by getting the kids a dog. He is not a big animal lover and he has the "animals belong outside" mentality. He has never loved a pet so he really doesn't understand. They never should have gotten the dog to begin with because the kids were too little to understand and take on the responsibility of pet ownership and he just didn't care to. People like us (animal lovers) know that dogs need to be trained and, when trained properly, they don't bite and act like "animals." He has never had a properly trained pet and I'm pretty sure that any dog he had growing up lived outside and wasn't well taken care of. Sad but true.

At this point, my fiance told the kids that if the dog bites again, it's going to the humane society. The dog actually bit one of the kids' friends and left a scar on her leg about a year ago. He's lucky he didn't get sued. More than anything, I am afraid that one of the kids or their friends will get bit when they are eating a snack or something. The dog is unpredictable and just can't be trusted.

Thankfully, my cat will have a good home with my ex. We had her together for almost 10 years and he really missed after I moved out. Also, he said if anything changed, that he'd be happy to give her back to me.
 
#11
Is there any way your cat can temporarily live with your ex? The dog needs training ASAP. Any type of aggression is not acceptable and can lead to a bad situation if the dog isn't taught boundaries. I know a few people who have cats and a dog and keep them separated so maybe that could be an option? My friend's cat lived in their basement and her lab lived upstairs, and a family friend of ours just keeps her cat in her bedroom because the cat is very frail and old and their german shep is very hyper.
 
#12
lorihmatthews said:
I would give your cat to your ex-husband (at least for now) because you know he can be trusted with your baby.

Next, I would INSIST that the dog be trained. I would not want to live in a house where the dog bites. That would be a deal breaker for me. If his daughter is 13, she is old enough to take responsibility for assisting in training the dog. I wouldn't wait another second. If that dog bites a neighbor or another dog, you could be looking at some serious trouble.
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I totally agree with this!

I would hate to be put in that position. On another note, when I was dating, I decided to always put my pets before any potential SO/DH. It may sound nuts, but I wouldn't date guys who didn't like my pets or had pets of their own which were not compatible with mine! My strategy worked out (although it probably limited my dating pool at the time:P)!
 
#13
lovelysarahg said:
First off, you need to get that dog trained or find it a new home. If it is in any way aggressive, it should not be living in a home with children. None of this is your fault. However, I guarantee neither you or your fiance want to deal with a possible lawsuit if the bites someone other than family (which it should not be doing in the first place).
And think about it, taking the dog to training classes with your fiance's kids could be a bonding thing for both of you guys.
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I agree. I could have written that, but you've done it for me.
I totally agree with you, cupcake, your fiance should never have bought the dog in the first place. How irresponsible. I'm kind of surprised that you being such a big animal lover, actually get on with him. :P
 
#14
Cupcake, I don't really have anything to add because anything I would say has all ready been said. I just wanted to extend a virtual {{{{hug}}}} to you because I know it is extremely difficult for you to have to give up your kitty. I am so glad that your ex is willing to give Kitty a good and loving home.
 
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