I don't know what to do

Blue_Butterfly

Blue_Butterfly

ProtectMeFrMyWants
Aug 15, 2006
825
0
#1
My BF's brother has been living with us in our small one bedroom apartment for a couple weeks now and not making any contribution to the household whatsoever. It's really starting to frustrate me and put a stain on our relationship:hysteric:.

I don't know what to do. I expressed these feelings to my BF but he doesn't seem to know how to effectively communicate with his brother. That and the fact that his brother is absolutely stubborn and selfish. When he tells his brother that he should contribute his brother just makes up excuses as to why he shouldn't contribute (ie. "I try not eat any food," "all I do is sleep on the floor," etc). The only effort I've seen from him is giving us a $300 IOU and doing his laundry on occassion. Plus, it really bothers me because I feel like his brother is taking advantage of his generosity.

I am getting to the point where I just can't keep these feelings to myself and I know that if I tell them to his brother he'll just take it the wrong way and will ruin whatever relationship we have left.

I'm sorry but I just needed to vent because it's driving me crazy:wtf:! You think that the place where you call home is your sanctuary but when someone who you don't even really like starts living with you and invading your space it becomes everything but that:sad:.
 
#2
I am sorry ... this is not your problem. As cruel as it sounds, it's your BF's problem because it's his brother who is invading your space. By asking him to contribute you want him to understand he is imposing on you guys and perhaps he will think hard about staying any longer. Your BF needs to talk to his brother, not you. He needs to tell his brother it's a small space and it's intended to be used by just the two of you, how long does he plan on staying?

Sorry this is happening, I can't imagine the pressure you've been under having to live with someone you don't like much. I hope things will work out soon.
 
#3
^Thank you for your kind words :love:. But I guess that's where my confusion lies. Initially I thought this wasn't my problem as it's my BF's brother but there are days when I feel like it is my problem because he's living in "our" apartment. It's not just my BF who has to live him, I do too. It's like I'm caught between a rock and hard place.
 
#4
A lot depends on the seriousness of your relationship with your boyfriend, both in your view and in his, as well as the specifics of the brother's situation.

I think you have essentially two directions in which you can go. While I agree with TravelBug that the burden is on your boyfriend to make the call, as you point out, you are living there, so you are also impacted.

So, you could go out of your way to help the brother get back on his feet. If he is looking for a job, offer to help him with resume, cover letter, etc, or let him know of openings here or there.

If he doesn't have a car, offer to take him apartment hunting, if he is in a position to get an apartment, or if you have mutual friends who are looking for a roomate, and that sort of situation would be a better fit for his pocket at the moment, let him know about that opportunity.

This is his brother, he is used to living with him, and things that drive you crazy may not bother your boyfriend at all. However, if he is aware that the situation is becoming stressful and unpleasant for you, it is up to him to decide how he can best help his brother without jeopardizing his relationship with you.

If the brother's situation is indeed dire, if he has no money, no job prospects, and his earning capacity is likely to fall below that necessary to afford housing of any kind, and no help from the parents is likely to be forthcoming, for whatever reason, then it could be a situation where the brother truly has nowhere else to go.

And if that is the case, and it is also the case that you, on the other hand, do have sufficient resources to do so, at some point, you might begin giving some thought to other living situations for yourself, if it appears that both brothers are content with the way things are, or there are simply no other options for the brother.

But you would need to do this in as kind and tactful a way as possible, to avoid any sort of appearance of giving your boyfriend an ultimatum, or asking him to choose between you and his brother, if the brother really has no other options. Your goal would be to take care of yourself, and your own comfort and peace of mind, but without putting your boyfriend in a difficult position, creating any friction between the brothers (It's YOUR fault she left!) and not burn any bridges with the boyfriend, nor establish an enemical relationship with someone who may one day be your brother too!

And if it is a case of the brother having resources, but simply preferring not to contribute, and essentially taking advantage of your boyfriend's generosity, this is not a thing that YOU will be able to make plain, nor should you attempt it. The brother will take care of that himself in time.

But while you wait for that to take place, you might want to do your waiting somewhere else, since what you currently consider your home is in for some drama that is in no way about you!
 
#5
I think it depends why he's there in the first place. If you truly don't need his financial contributions, what's so bad about helping out a family member?
 
#6
ShimmaPuff said:
And if it is a case of the brother having resources, but simply preferring not to contribute, and essentially taking advantage of your boyfriend's generosity, this is not a thing that YOU will be able to make plain, nor should you attempt it. The brother will take care of that himself in time.

But while you wait for that to take place, you might want to do your waiting somewhere else, since what you currently consider your home is in for some drama that is in no way about you!
Click to expand...

^ShimmaPuff you are so wise and express yourself so well! I appreciate your words of wisdom.

What you said above is exactly the issue I'm dealing with. It's just tough sitting back and watching it happen to someone I love and hold dear to my heart. The brother is not in any dire financial situation. He has a car which was given to him that's already paid off and my BF's been getting him job hook-up's on and off. I guess it's the principle of the whole situation that bothers me. I was raised that if you take you give back three fold. The brother is just taking and not giving back.

Unfortunately I can't seek housing elsewhere as I moved here for my boyfriend and have yet to establish a core set of friends. Even if I did, I wouldn't move out of my house.

Allowing me to vent and reading your thoughts, has helped calmed me down a bit. At least it'll help me bite my tongue for the time being.
 
#8
I sympathize your situation. Obviously you have already shown your kindness by letting your bf's brother stay with you for 2 weeks, to temporarily help him out of a jam, I assume. This does not mean you have to shoulder his burden forever. I think he is invading your privacy and taking advantage of your kindness, even if he does not realize what he is doing to you. In fact, I think he is mindlessly jeopardizing your relationship with your bf.

Enough is enough! This little brother should get out of your apartment, prompto! However, you should not be the bad guy to confront the situation. You should ask your bf to take care of the situation. After all, he is your bf's brother. You may offer help, if you wish, (but I do not mean letting him to stay any longer). Let me ask this question. Where had this little brother stayed before he went staying in your apartment? Let him go back to where he came from in the first place.

How old is he? Can he get a job? Get his own place? Or go back to his parents' house?

Sit down with your bf, and let him know how you feel about his little brother's intrusion. Ask your bf to help his brother go somewhere else, get a job, or whatever.

It's easy for others to say what so big deal about helping out a little brother and letting him stay with you. People just do not understand how aggravating it is to put up with some apparently unappreciative people taking you for granted, as if you do not exist. Not everyone is comfortable having extra people living in his/her home. Your apartment is your castle, and you are entitled to your privacy.

You bf has the responsibility to fix the mess.
 
#9
Thank You, Blue_Butterfly, for saying such nice things! I like "wise" better than "old." I am going to start using it as a synonym. :biggrin:

I know it has to be hard to watch all that going down, but you can comfort yourself with the knowledge that it will be self-limiting.

The brother will do all the work. You just be sweet and try not to watch when it gets ugly, which it will.

And if by some chance it doesn't, then you can always revisit the issue... ;)
 
#10
How old is the brother? Have a serious talk with your bf and hopefully the 2 of you will decide to set a deadline for bro to start taking care of himself. This IS your problem, too. A small 1BR apt. and an extra person is a recipe for relationship problems. It's not being mean to expect him to find his own living quarters. Don't enable him to mooch off you any longer.

come here and vent anytime. (((hugs)))
 
#11
Christiflora said:
I sympathize your situation. Obviously you have already shown your kindness by letting your bf's brother stay with you for 2 weeks, to temporarily help him out of a jam, I assume. This does not mean you have to shoulder his burden forever. I think he is invading your privacy and taking advantage of your kindness, even if he does not realize what he is doing to you. In fact, I think he is mindlessly jeopardizing your relationship with your bf.

Enough is enough! This little brother should get out of your apartment, prompto! However, you should not be the bad guy to confront the situation. You should ask your bf to take care of the situation. After all, he is your bf's brother. You may offer help, if you wish, (but I do not mean letting him to stay any longer). Let me ask this question. Where had this little brother stayed before he went staying in your apartment? Let him go back to where he came from in the first place.

How old is he? Can he get a job? Get his own place? Or go back to his parents' house?

Sit down with your bf, and let him know how you feel about his little brother's intrusion. Ask your bf to help his brother go somewhere else, get a job, or whatever.

It's easy for others to say what so big deal about helping out a little brother and letting him stay with you. People just do not understand how aggravating it is to put up with some apparently unappreciative people taking you for granted, as if you do not exist. Not everyone is comfortable having extra people living in his/her home. Your apartment is your castle, and you are entitled to your privacy.

You bf has the responsibility to fix the mess.
Click to expand...

Hi Christiflora the brother is two year's younger than my BF and he's is semi-actively looking for an apartment. He would like to get a permanent job before geting a place, which is understandable. Currently their parents live in another state, so that's not happening.

My BF has been pretty good about listening to my concerns, but like I said in my original post, he has a difficult time communicating with this brother. It's like talking to a wall from what he's told me.

Eventually this will get resolved and hopefully all of us can go about our merry ways. :yes:
 
#12
boxermom said:
How old is the brother? Have a serious talk with your bf and hopefully the 2 of you will decide to set a deadline for bro to start taking care of himself. This IS your problem, too. A small 1BR apt. and an extra person is a recipe for relationship problems. It's not being mean to expect him to find his own living quarters. Don't enable him to mooch off you any longer.

come here and vent anytime. (((hugs)))
Click to expand...

Boxermom...a mooch is the exact word I use to describe him:yes:! It's not very nice to say but that's is how he comes off to me. My BF and I talked and we've decided that the brother needs to really start looking for an apartment. But what my BF is not going to do is set a date, because he feels like it's too harsh. At least we're moving forward on this. Who know's where the situation will be in a week or two.

Again thanks for allowing me to vent, it really help's me deal with the situation a little better. :yes:
 
#13
Tell yr bf to grow a pair of balls ask him which is more important his brother being allowed to get away with stuff or your relationship?

not to sound like a *****. but some men my husband included doesn't speak up unless he is afraid of losing something.
 
#14
I don't blame you for needing your private space..you have the right to ask for him to find his own place. you and your bf need to set a deadline for his brother together.
Best of luck to you :heart:
 
#15
^^Thank you ladies! A date has been set - Dec 1st...we'll see what happens. My BF thinks it won't be that soon but at least we've lit a fire under his a**.

My poor BF, he's so frustrated with the situation and I can understand why. I just wish his brother could compromise and see how much my BF is sacrificing for him.

Tonight we had a friend over and his brother has the nerve to make a "joking" comment about how bad my BF treats him. The only reason he thinks we treat him bad is because when he first moved in we were overly nice and accomodating. Now that we are not being this way (because he took our generosity for granted) he looks at it as us being mean. PLEASE! If he doesn't want to make any kind of contribution or comprise while living in OUR apartment, then he has to deal with the fact that he is really not a welcomed guest. He is lucky that we haven't kicked him out yet:hysteric:.
 
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