My BFF has lost two pregnancies....

annemerrick · Jun 6th, 2008, 03:41 PM

And I want to console her properly! She is still hopeful....but I know how excited she has been each time, and want to say the right thing....while still giving her hope!
The first pregnancy...nothing developed inside of the sac (??), and she had to have a D&C. She just went to the doctor yesterday, and although she is at 8 weeks, the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks, and there is no heartbeat. She will be having her 2nd D&C today.
I feel really awful for her....she had just purchased some maternity clothes!! It's not about the clothes...but the fact that she was starting to think of herself as pregnant that makes me so sad!!

emmalawyer · Jun 6th, 2008, 04:10 PM

She SHOULD be hopeful. I don't think that 2 miscarriages would qualify as serial miscarrying; the minimum's 3 --at least that's what I was told-- and an ob/gyn would not even start investigating her quite yet. Miscarriages are common; I think something like a quarter of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, but I am not sure of the exact figure so you might google it. It's a substantial #, though... I think late term miscarriages & stillbirths are considered more clinically worrisome. BUT be that as it may, I think you should probably just be there for her in your capacity as a listener. She might experience all sorts of emotions; she might become withdrawn or downplay it --and I think you should just be pliable & follow her lead. I know that helped in my case... the thing I HATED was the sad face and all the tip-toeing around me like I was a tragic figure... I wasn't; I knew I was going to have kids no matter what so I hated the idea of people treating me like I was "special" and "doomed". So, the people that played the "poor Emma; why her?" victim card got cut out really fast; the ones that didn't dwell and were willing to join me as I went on with my life... I kept those around. It's a delicate situation for any friend to have to negotiate, so good luck!

annemerrick · Jun 6th, 2008, 04:42 PM

^^^Thanks so much....good advice!!!

hautecouture15 · Jun 6th, 2008, 04:50 PM

She can still have children, she should not rule that out my mum had 3 miscarriages and 1 stillbirth and still had 3 healthy happy children, one when she was nearly 40. Just be there for her and console her and just make sure she knows that this isn't the end and when the time is right she will carry her baby to full term. hugs x

BearyT · Jun 9th, 2008, 02:27 PM

I just went through a miscarriage 3 weeks ago. Only my best friend and my parents know about it. I think my best friend did a great job by not bringing it up anymore after she heard the news but be there whenever I want to vent. It takes some time to forget. I thought I'm okay the next week but I still break down once awhile after that. However, I am getting better and better each day and I know I will have a healthy baby someday. Remember not to show that you're sad about her lost, it will only make her worse. Show some positive energy, like have a shopping spree together or have a nice dinner together.

beejerry · Jun 9th, 2008, 04:22 PM

I agree w/ BearyT. Just be there to support her. A hug speaks a thousand words.

annemerrick · Jun 9th, 2008, 04:34 PM

Thanks ladies...and thanks for sharing your very personal stories!!

kimberf · Jun 11th, 2008, 02:16 AM

My BFF (who has a lovely 9 week old baby boy, btw) went through the same, though I don't remember if she had two or three early miscarriages. As others have said, I just let her know that I'm here for her and then followed her lead. If she wanted to talk about it, I did. If she didn't, I just hung out and talked about other stuff or went shopping or whatever. She was understandably very nervous when she would get pregnant again and that was really mainly when we'd talk about the miscarriages.

The one thing I would suggest is that if her doctors aren't willing to investigate, support her in finding someone who will. She shouldn't have to wait until she has another miscarriage. She may just need progesterone supplements and it would be a shame to have to go through this again when she could do something fairly simple.

Hugs to both of you.

pinkdot · Jun 16th, 2008, 04:33 PM

I'm so sorry for your friend. i sort of know how she may feel, since i just had one. Tell her to be strong and BE HOPEFUL!! I've known many people who had many kids after 2 m/cs.
Comfort her a lot.

Jun 6th, 2008, 03:41 PM	#1
annemerrick Member Location: Back in Dallas	My BFF has lost two pregnancies.... And I want to console her properly! She is still hopeful....but I know how excited she has been each time, and want to say the right thing....while still giving her hope! The first pregnancy...nothing developed inside of the sac (??), and she had to have a D&C. She just went to the doctor yesterday, and although she is at 8 weeks, the baby stopped developing at 6 weeks, and there is no heartbeat. She will be having her 2nd D&C today. I feel really awful for her....she had just purchased some maternity clothes!! It's not about the clothes...but the fact that she was starting to think of herself as pregnant that makes me so sad!! __________________ WWW.MYBAG.NET

Jun 6th, 2008, 04:10 PM	#2
emmalawyer BLITHERING FOOL Location: with the teething twins!	She SHOULD be hopeful. I don't think that 2 miscarriages would qualify as serial miscarrying; the minimum's 3 --at least that's what I was told-- and an ob/gyn would not even start investigating her quite yet. Miscarriages are common; I think something like a quarter of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, but I am not sure of the exact figure so you might google it. It's a substantial #, though... I think late term miscarriages & stillbirths are considered more clinically worrisome. BUT be that as it may, I think you should probably just be there for her in your capacity as a listener. She might experience all sorts of emotions; she might become withdrawn or downplay it --and I think you should just be pliable & follow her lead. I know that helped in my case... the thing I HATED was the sad face and all the tip-toeing around me like I was a tragic figure... I wasn't; I knew I was going to have kids no matter what so I hated the idea of people treating me like I was "special" and "doomed". So, the people that played the "poor Emma; why her?" victim card got cut out really fast; the ones that didn't dwell and were willing to join me as I went on with my life... I kept those around. It's a delicate situation for any friend to have to negotiate, so good luck! __________________ signature too large “Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” --Dr. Seuss ( lil Bitsy's favorite bedtime reading)

Jun 6th, 2008, 04:42 PM	#3
annemerrick Member Location: Back in Dallas	^^^Thanks so much....good advice!!! __________________ WWW.MYBAG.NET

Jun 6th, 2008, 04:50 PM	#4
hautecouture15 Member Location: essex	She can still have children, she should not rule that out my mum had 3 miscarriages and 1 stillbirth and still had 3 healthy happy children, one when she was nearly 40. Just be there for her and console her and just make sure she knows that this isn't the end and when the time is right she will carry her baby to full term. hugs x __________________ Collection: -chloe paddington in tobacco -balenciaga courier in blueberry -chanel navy lambskin jumbo with silver chain -chanel WOC in black caviar with gold chain -mulberry long lock wallet in brown -mulberry cosmetic purse in glazed green goatskin -blaenciaga coin purse in amythest -Louis Vuitton epi cles in grenade

Jun 9th, 2008, 02:27 PM	#5
BearyT Member	I just went through a miscarriage 3 weeks ago. Only my best friend and my parents know about it. I think my best friend did a great job by not bringing it up anymore after she heard the news but be there whenever I want to vent. It takes some time to forget. I thought I'm okay the next week but I still break down once awhile after that. However, I am getting better and better each day and I know I will have a healthy baby someday. Remember not to show that you're sad about her lost, it will only make her worse. Show some positive energy, like have a shopping spree together or have a nice dinner together. __________________ Last edited by BearyT; Jun 9th, 2008 at 02:32 PM.

Jun 9th, 2008, 04:22 PM	#6
beejerry A Blondie Gal! Location: Silicon Valley	I agree w/ BearyT. Just be there to support her. A hug speaks a thousand words. __________________ no expert, just personal opinion. ~ Always have room for a Blondie ~ Did someone say PINK?

Jun 9th, 2008, 04:34 PM	#7
annemerrick Member Location: Back in Dallas	Thanks ladies...and thanks for sharing your very personal stories!! __________________ WWW.MYBAG.NET

Jun 11th, 2008, 02:16 AM	#8
kimberf Member Location: California	My BFF (who has a lovely 9 week old baby boy, btw) went through the same, though I don't remember if she had two or three early miscarriages. As others have said, I just let her know that I'm here for her and then followed her lead. If she wanted to talk about it, I did. If she didn't, I just hung out and talked about other stuff or went shopping or whatever. She was understandably very nervous when she would get pregnant again and that was really mainly when we'd talk about the miscarriages. The one thing I would suggest is that if her doctors aren't willing to investigate, support her in finding someone who will. She shouldn't have to wait until she has another miscarriage. She may just need progesterone supplements and it would be a shame to have to go through this again when she could do something fairly simple. Hugs to both of you.

Jun 16th, 2008, 04:33 PM	#9
pinkdot on cloud 9	I'm so sorry for your friend. i sort of know how she may feel, since i just had one. Tell her to be strong and BE HOPEFUL!! I've known many people who had many kids after 2 m/cs. Comfort her a lot. __________________