DH said the dumbest thing..or did he?

fashion16 · Mar 3rd, 2008, 08:37 PM

As some of you may know, I was pregnant, had a miscarriage in early February and had a D&C 2.5 weeks ago. This was my first pregnancy and it is still very raw for me.
The miscarriage was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and I have had to go through some pretty difficult things in my life.

Anyway, I have a 20 lb dog. I was holding the dog this morning waiting for DH to open the door so I can carry the dog outside (dirty paws & I didn't want her walking through the house) anyway, I asked DH to hurry up b/c the dog was getting heavy and he said, "What's the big deal, it's not like the lifting will hurt you, you aren't pregnant".
That really stung but I am trying not to be over sensitive.

What do you think, am I over-reacting or was that just inappropriate to say?

tabbyco · Mar 3rd, 2008, 08:46 PM

I would have been upset too. It is such an odd thing to say that it might be an indication that he is having a hard time with it too. It might be a strange way of saying, I'm upset you aren't pregnant anymore so I will through out some careless comment to show you it doesn't bother me...

Make any sense? He might need to grieve some too, but doesn't think it would be appropriate. If we were in the same situation, I don't think my husband would know what to do with those emotions.

Aw, my heart goes out to you and hubby. Take care of each other.

anneonimiss · Mar 3rd, 2008, 08:51 PM

How is he taking the miscarriage? Have you guys talked at all about how it might be affecting him? Maybe he is taking out his feelings about what happened out on you. It sounds like a mean thing to say, but maybe he spoke without thinking, or it is on his mind and he needs to let it out somehow. I'm sorry for your loss.

Swanky Mama Of Three · Mar 3rd, 2008, 08:52 PM

men are stupid.

Seriously, they have NO idea how to speak to us

Don't read into it, it doesn't mean he's mean, just happens to be like most guys and doesn't think first.

Sorry, I know that stung

Did you tell him it hurt? He likely has no idea.

diamond_lover · Mar 3rd, 2008, 08:52 PM

Oh no, I don't think you're over-reacting. That definitely was a dumb thing to say on his part... but he might have said it by accident? Obviously you can tell its on his mind too. However, the only thing you can do is talk to him about it. If my SO said that to me, I would probably go psycho on him.I hope he'll understand why youre upset and that everything works out.

fashion16 · Mar 3rd, 2008, 09:15 PM

At first he had a hard time dealing with it but he seemed to "get over it" fairly quickly. The first couple of days he wanted me to open up b/c I wasn't talking about it at all...it was just too hard. Once I had a chance to process everything (about 1 week after the D&C, I lost it...I felt lost and I was really angry. By that time, I needed to talk about it, but he didn't. I tried to talk, to open up but he acted unreceptive, almost like the miscarriage had happened years prior and it was a distant memory, that he couldn't understand why I needed to talk about it now. I have tried to understand how he feels and he tells me that he is disappointed at the "loss of a potential future" rather than a loss of a child. It is like he is bummed about the idea of not having a baby, not about losing a baby.
Anyway, I did tell him that it bothered me....actually I told him 4 times. No response. The most he said was "I love you" and then grabbed my hand. That isn't an apology...that isn't "I am sorry, I said something really dumb" I want some acknowledgement of what he said.

kcf68 · Mar 3rd, 2008, 09:21 PM

Men take miscarriage differently because I think until they see the final result they don't get it. I am due in 2 weeks and I think my husband still doesn't get a clue that the baby is coming. I'm sorry that they are not as sensitive as we are. I am sorry for your loss. Sometimes you need to surround yourself with females who are sensitive and understanding....

Nola · Mar 4th, 2008, 04:28 AM

I think that´s rude as heck.

mundodabolsa · Mar 4th, 2008, 09:18 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by tabbyco

I would have been upset too. It is such an odd thing to say that it might be an indication that he is having a hard time with it too. It might be a strange way of saying, I'm upset you aren't pregnant anymore so I will through out some careless comment to show you it doesn't bother me...

this sound so spot on to me. people say stupid things when they're upset, sad, angry, etc, especially to the people they're closest too. it's like intimacy with someone (be it your partner, your mother, your sister) gives you a free pass to be mean as hell sometimes, in ways you'd never be to other people.

I'm sorry that he was insensitive, but I wouldn't get too hung up on it, being angry at him is only going to make this time worse for you, you need each other's support now

tabbyco · Mar 4th, 2008, 09:55 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by fashion16

actually I told him 4 times. No response. The most he said was "I love you" and then grabbed my hand. That isn't an apology...that isn't "I am sorry, I said something really dumb" I want some acknowledgement of what he said.

But it is an act of love.

jenniletv · Mar 4th, 2008, 11:33 AM

That remark would have made me upset too and I would want an apology also. Not just an "I Love you".

mssmelanie · Mar 4th, 2008, 08:44 PM

I would've been upset also..But men sometimes say things that they don't mean or don't realize how it comes out. I would definitely tell him it hurt your feelings. Some things aren't so obvious to them.

bagnshoofetish · Mar 4th, 2008, 08:49 PM

If I were in your shoes and my DH said that to me I would have said right then and there, "wow that was a pretty mean and insensitive thing to say. that really hurt. did you really think that wouldn't bother me?"
talk to him about it and get it out in the open. chances are he may be feeling hurt too about the miscarriage and is taking it out wrongfully on you. stop the passive agressiveness now before it gets worse.

kuuipo627 · Mar 4th, 2008, 10:28 PM

First of all, I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. You're not being too sensitive, the fact that what he said hurt you is real. It's your loss and your pain. Maybe he's hurting as much as you are but is too damn proud to say it because he's the "MAN." Sometimes they're just clueless. Maybe both of you need to see someone to help you through this time. He definately needs to be there so that he can be more sensitive to what you're going through.

VT Pooh · Mar 6th, 2008, 11:25 AM

fashion 16,
I am sorry about your lost. I would be very upset too.
Man said the dumpest thing.
I read your thread in the P&P section. I know he was quiet upset and supportive. Sometimes, words just jumped up from his month without thinking.
Please forgive him.

Mar 3rd, 2008, 08:37 PM	#1
fashion16 Member Joined: Apr 2007 Posts: 832	DH said the dumbest thing..or did he? As some of you may know, I was pregnant, had a miscarriage in early February and had a D&C 2.5 weeks ago. This was my first pregnancy and it is still very raw for me. The miscarriage was the hardest thing I have ever had to go through and I have had to go through some pretty difficult things in my life. Anyway, I have a 20 lb dog. I was holding the dog this morning waiting for DH to open the door so I can carry the dog outside (dirty paws & I didn't want her walking through the house) anyway, I asked DH to hurry up b/c the dog was getting heavy and he said, "What's the big deal, it's not like the lifting will hurt you, you aren't pregnant". That really stung but I am trying not to be over sensitive. What do you think, am I over-reacting or was that just inappropriate to say?

Mar 3rd, 2008, 08:46 PM	#2
tabbyco Quirrel! Joined: Jun 2006 Location: Right Coast Posts: 2,200	Re: DH said the dumbest thing..or did he? I would have been upset too. It is such an odd thing to say that it might be an indication that he is having a hard time with it too. It might be a strange way of saying, I'm upset you aren't pregnant anymore so I will through out some careless comment to show you it doesn't bother me... Make any sense? He might need to grieve some too, but doesn't think it would be appropriate. If we were in the same situation, I don't think my husband would know what to do with those emotions. Aw, my heart goes out to you and hubby. Take care of each other. __________________

Mar 3rd, 2008, 08:51 PM	#3
anneonimiss Z.Z.Z.Z. Joined: Nov 2007 Location: Walmart Posts: 3,048	Re: DH said the dumbest thing..or did he? How is he taking the miscarriage? Have you guys talked at all about how it might be affecting him? Maybe he is taking out his feelings about what happened out on you. It sounds like a mean thing to say, but maybe he spoke without thinking, or it is on his mind and he needs to let it out somehow. I'm sorry for your loss. __________________

Mar 3rd, 2008, 08:52 PM	#4
Swanky Mama Of Three Joined: Jan 2006 Location: Dallas Area Posts: 31,620	Re: DH said the dumbest thing..or did he? men are stupid. Seriously, they have NO idea how to speak to us Don't read into it, it doesn't mean he's mean, just happens to be like most guys and doesn't think first. Sorry, I know that stung Did you tell him it hurt? He likely has no idea. __________________ Holy inappropriateness!!! - a la Bethenny

Mar 3rd, 2008, 08:52 PM	#5
diamond_lover Member Joined: Aug 2006 Location: NYC Posts: 903	Re: DH said the dumbest thing..or did he? Oh no, I don't think you're over-reacting. That definitely was a dumb thing to say on his part... but he might have said it by accident? Obviously you can tell its on his mind too. However, the only thing you can do is talk to him about it. If my SO said that to me, I would probably go psycho on him.I hope he'll understand why youre upset and that everything works out.

Mar 3rd, 2008, 09:15 PM	#6
fashion16 Member Joined: Apr 2007 Posts: 832	Re: DH said the dumbest thing..or did he? At first he had a hard time dealing with it but he seemed to "get over it" fairly quickly. The first couple of days he wanted me to open up b/c I wasn't talking about it at all...it was just too hard. Once I had a chance to process everything (about 1 week after the D&C, I lost it...I felt lost and I was really angry. By that time, I needed to talk about it, but he didn't. I tried to talk, to open up but he acted unreceptive, almost like the miscarriage had happened years prior and it was a distant memory, that he couldn't understand why I needed to talk about it now. I have tried to understand how he feels and he tells me that he is disappointed at the "loss of a potential future" rather than a loss of a child. It is like he is bummed about the idea of not having a baby, not about losing a baby. Anyway, I did tell him that it bothered me....actually I told him 4 times. No response. The most he said was "I love you" and then grabbed my hand. That isn't an apology...that isn't "I am sorry, I said something really dumb" I want some acknowledgement of what he said.

Mar 3rd, 2008, 09:21 PM	#7
kcf68 Handbag Addict Joined: May 2007 Location: Finally on the West Coast!!! Posts: 677	Re: DH said the dumbest thing..or did he? Men take miscarriage differently because I think until they see the final result they don't get it. I am due in 2 weeks and I think my husband still doesn't get a clue that the baby is coming. I'm sorry that they are not as sensitive as we are. I am sorry for your loss. Sometimes you need to surround yourself with females who are sensitive and understanding....

Mar 4th, 2008, 04:28 AM	#8
Nola Missing my cat Joined: Jul 2006 Location: Europe Posts: 19,531	Re: DH said the dumbest thing..or did he? I think that´s rude as heck. __________________

Mar 4th, 2008, 11:33 AM	#11
jenniletv Got Minkie Feevah Joined: Aug 2006 Location: Middle of Hokie Nation! Posts: 2,887	Re: DH said the dumbest thing..or did he? That remark would have made me upset too and I would want an apology also. Not just an "I Love you". __________________ Wanted: RM MAM in color undecided RM Nikki in Wine RM Mattinee in Grey or Wine GO HOKIES!!!!

Mar 4th, 2008, 08:44 PM	#12
mssmelanie Member Joined: Jul 2006 Location: NJ Posts: 1,897	Re: DH said the dumbest thing..or did he? I would've been upset also..But men sometimes say things that they don't mean or don't realize how it comes out. I would definitely tell him it hurt your feelings. Some things aren't so obvious to them.

Mar 4th, 2008, 08:49 PM	#13
bagnshoofetish napping. Joined: Feb 2006 Posts: 15,705	Re: DH said the dumbest thing..or did he? If I were in your shoes and my DH said that to me I would have said right then and there, "wow that was a pretty mean and insensitive thing to say. that really hurt. did you really think that wouldn't bother me?" talk to him about it and get it out in the open. chances are he may be feeling hurt too about the miscarriage and is taking it out wrongfully on you. stop the passive agressiveness now before it gets worse. __________________ click here.

Mar 4th, 2008, 10:28 PM	#14
kuuipo627 Mine! Joined: Sep 2006 Posts: 2,698	Re: DH said the dumbest thing..or did he? First of all, I want to tell you how sorry I am for your loss. You're not being too sensitive, the fact that what he said hurt you is real. It's your loss and your pain. Maybe he's hurting as much as you are but is too damn proud to say it because he's the "MAN." Sometimes they're just clueless. Maybe both of you need to see someone to help you through this time. He definately needs to be there so that he can be more sensitive to what you're going through. __________________ MJ's Collection

Mar 6th, 2008, 11:25 AM	#15
VT Pooh Member Joined: Jul 2006 Posts: 449	Re: DH said the dumbest thing..or did he? fashion 16, I am sorry about your lost. I would be very upset too. Man said the dumpest thing. I read your thread in the P&P section. I know he was quiet upset and supportive. Sometimes, words just jumped up from his month without thinking. Please forgive him.