Weight Loss and Relationships - I'm very, very sad.

  1. I've debated about posting this for a long time, but I feel now's the time, as I pretty much told my boyfriend to get out and he finally did. We've been together for 5 years in January, living together for 3. He met me big, he dated me big, he loved me big - and now I'm small. I had weight loss surgery 9 months ago and have since lost 120+ pounds. He says I'm changing, I say he's changing. He treats me differently. He is much more into the way I look now and so that leaves him with a greater sex drive - but I'm the same inside, thinner or not - my sex drive is the same. I am the same!!! I'm lost. I feel like our compatibility is dwindeling - and that hurts me so, so, so bad - I want to fix this! I want to fix us!!! I love him!

    We're fighting everyday. He's become more controlling because now that I'm small, guys pay attention to me and his self-confidence is in the toilet. His constant pulling and needyness is pushing me away. I wish things were the way before surgery. I love him so much, but I don't know what to do.

    Has anyone experienced things like this before? We've been through so much - I thought we were soul mates! And now an hour doesn't go by without us barking at each other or jumping down one and others throats. I feel so sad and alone :sad:


    WLS Stats:
    Lap RNY 2/15/06
    5'2
    265/138/115
     
  2. Update for all who cared, if any...

    We had a long talk today - lots of crying. We're going to try to work things out.
     
  3. We care! I'm glad that you are working things out... sometimes talking openly about your feelings helps. Please keep us updated and best wishes...

    p.s. Congrats on your weight loss! I am trying to get fit too...
     
  4. Hi Livin. I just read this.
    I hope you are able to work things out. It sounds like this major life change just revealed things that were there to begin with. I hope you are both patient with each other. The weight loss seems to have brought his insecurities to the surface.
    Good luck!
     
  5. I read this and I CARE. I wasnt sure how to respond...that is a HUGE goal for you and I am more than sure your weightloss journey has been so many things for you. Starting with the life changing decision to have your surgery. Im so happy for you and Im sure you feel amazing. I have not been in your shoes....100%. I have been heavier and lost weight. I know I have changed a bit since loosing weight...you can not help but to you know?!! Perhaps he is a bit threatened by your success and beauty. It sounds like you love him...I hope it all works out. Keep talking...communication is so important. (I can not say anything that you do not already know) if you ever need to talk please Pm me...wishing you all the best.:heart:
     
  6. I just read this too. SInce you both have a lot of time invested in your relationship perhaps you should have a few sessions with a good relationship therapist to work some of this out.
     
  7. hugs I hope everything works out. Actually something about you besides your weight has changed. Youe inability to accept an unacceptable situation. I know of so many people whose lives and relationships have gone topsy turvy in relation to weight loss surgeries, a combination of needs and wants and some times also added confidence on the part of the person who lost the weight.
    Good luck.
     
  8. We do care. First of all, congratulations on your weight loss and committment to better health. This isn't the first time I've heard about how much strain there can be on a relationship when one partner changes a lot. He was used to you the way you were before--the new you is a whole new ballgame. Something similar happened with me (not weight loss, but an important personal improvement). My husband was very honest when he said he was happy about it, but on the other hand, he didn't like the fact that he no longer felt superior to me. Does that make sense? He admitted he took some sick pleasure in feeling superior to the person he loves, and now he can't do that. Just another viewpoint.

    I'm so sorry this is happening. If you can't get thru this with the 2 of you communicating, would counseling be in order? Otherwise, you can look forward to a lifetime of controlling, jealous treatment and no one deserves that.

    Best wishes.:heart:
     
  9. Hey guys - thanks so much for the responses. We had a great talk last night with lots of crying - he was shocked that I felt our relationship was ending - but I told him that if it continued on this way that I couldn't do it anymore, and that I had lost faith that it would get better. He cried and begged me to keep believing. I said I can't. He kept crying and said "give me another chance. Give me the chance to make you happy for the rest of your life. Give me the chance to start over". I said okay - we'll see how it goes. If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't be where I am today - and I'm so grateful for him and all he's done for me; all we've been through together. I just want to be happy again.
     
  10. I really understand your problem; sometimes people that once were in the same place and seemed to complement each other, now are not.

    I know you love him and want to stay together with him, but this moment in your life is a turning point, the threshold to a new life chapter. So maybe it is better to give him up and look around anew, it's very possible that you find a better partner that loves and appreciates you even more, than your current bf does right now. I think you should take the risk, because right now you're unhappy, and the situation has been going on for a while now. I know it takes courage, but I am sure you have it, because deep down you want to be happy.

    He said he wanted to change, he asked you to give him a second chance. Give him that (last) one and see if he improves. If he does not, it would be better to let him go. I also know that this is very hard, but in the long run it may pan out to be the best decision you've taken since a long time. Don't be afraid of the future.
     
  11. I hope you two can work it out, it's clear that you love each other. Something this life changing can be really difficult, and bumps in the road are expected. I wish you all the best and hopefully next we hear from you, things will have been going better.:heart:
     
  12. I have a question- how is your bf's weight/sefl esteem about his looks?

    Last year I lost some weight... I did not have much to lose- but on my frame, 5'10, losing the last 10 really slimmed me down. I told people I did not change- but I carried myself differently. I was much more confident and really more outgoing. That brought many more people hitting on me, literally everywhere I went. I'd go to the Starbucks drive thru and get hit on!! But I did change, my confidence boost did change me a bit, and it took me a while to realize that.

    Losing all that weight has to change you- at least physically. It does make a difference... sometimes people change enough that the person who did love them how they were before feels like they don't know them anymore.

    I hope the best for both of you works out.
     
  13. Aww *hugs* I really hope you guys work it out :heart:
    1st of all congratulations on your weight loss.

    and 2nd..the best thing is to keep repeating to him how much you love him and that nothing will change that. weight loss doesn't change YOU on the inside.

    I guess he's just afraid some guy will come and take you away but you just need to show him it's all not true.
    Wishing you all the best :smile:
     
  14. IMO this is really good advice. Despite what people, I bet your weight loss has changed you on the inside. Its not a bad thing to say. You can't say that a 100lb+ loss will not change how you feel about things and how you view the world.
    Give him his chance if you love him, but don't stick around in a situation that makes you unhappy.
    Many people don't agree, but I don't think a good relationship should be work at all. If 2 mature people like, love and respect one another and treat each other like you would a best friend, its not hard work at all.
    Don't stick with a situation that makes you unhappy just because you have already put in time. If its time to move on, then do so. JMO
     
  15. My bf is a good looking guy. He was always the good looking one of the two of us, the one girls would look at and say "He looks so good, WHY is he with that fatty?". Now guys are staring at me, and his position as the "better looking one" is threatened. This is just my analysis - of course he rejects most all of this. He admits he feels less attractive because he has put on a good 15 pounds since we started dating 5 years ago - but 15 pounds is nothing! I was 150 pounds overweight - 15 pounds is NOTHING to me, you know? Arg. It's such a tough situation. Let me give you guys a before and after so you can see what we're dealing with. For 4 and a half years my boyfriend was in love with this me:
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    And this is me now (in the middle):
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    It has changed me, but not enough yet. My body is shrinking by day, and in my mind I'm the same fat girl. I only had surgery in february, the weight didn't really show up until these last few months. My identity is as a fat person, as an obese person. I haven't been thin long enough to really have adapted yet. But yes, I've become much more aware of what's around me - I'm not invisible anymore, and I never realized I was until recently. It hurts to wake up and smell the roses - they smell like ****:shame: