Wedding Etiquette - Am I being unreasonable?

  1. Maybe my idea of what is proper is not what everyone else thinks of?? And maybe that is why I'm letting this get to me when I really shouldn't... so I'm asking for a reality check or confirmation.

    If a couple has been dating for a long time, don't you invite the couple to the wedding, not just one person with out a guest?

    I had a friend (well haven't spoken since i declined the wedding, didn't even get a thank you for the gift i sent) send me an invitation, and she knows my bf, even saw him at some parties when he was out of town near her this past year, she has known us almost the entire relationship... and yet, only I was invited to her wedding, I wasn't able to bring him. So I declined as it was out of town and I'd need to fly, rent a car, multiple nights in hotels... and we both were shocked that he'd be excluded.

    And now, one of his friends (but she knows us both) is only inviting just him to the wedding, like he's not allowed to bring his long time girlfriend!

    I'd totally understand if these were small weddings, but they're not. They're both rather large.

    I'm just a little upset because if we were the ones getting married I'd never exclude people's significant others. I told him when we get married we'll invite just her, not her husband and see how she likes that. He's upset and irritated withe situation too, but I guess I'm just a little more emotional about this. But apparently we need the legal title to both be invited to events.

    Is it normal to do this?! I just find it so disrespectful :hrmm:


    (sorry, it is so long! I can never seem to condense things!)
     
  2. I was recently invited to a wedding and I always thought it meant that you could bring a guest, but in my case my friend who invited me said money was tight so it wasn't a "plus 1" wedding invite. I guess its a new way people are saving money, but the problem is if you are coming from out of town for a weekend and flying then it makes sense to bring a date right? I don't know I think its pretty tacky personally. I'd be annoyed and probably just send a gift but not attend.

    As for the friend who never sent a thank you note - that also recently happened to me - so I called them up and asked about it because 'I wanted to make sure it arrived ok and wasn't stolen or anything.'
     
  3. I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. I can understand not wanting to make it +guest if the person doesn't have a long term boyfriend (who wants to have a stranger at their wedding?), but if the couple has been together for a while *and* they've met your SO, I think it's tacky not to invite him.
     
  4. It's that person's wedding and it's your right not to attend if you want to bring your BF and they aren't invited. I really don't think it's personal. I think they probably wanted to make sure they invited everyone they wanted and even though she may have met your boyfriend in passing, they aren't friends.
     
  5. usually the invitation i got is a me and my partner...
    even from someone who don't know my bf
     
  6. I think that's awfully tacky, Blue... if money is that tight so that it can't be a "guest plus one" wedding, the couple should reconsidering whether or not they can afford the wedding at all. Do you think your friend excluded your boyfriend because they overextended themselves financially with this large wedding? That's the only reason I can think of, unless she really dislikes your bf!
     
  7. My BF and I had a similar situation last winter, when a friend of his back in Seattle sent BF a "save the date" notice for his wedding. He only putt BFs name on the card, and since we didn't live together we couldn't automatically assume that I was invited. It didn't say how many people should be saving the date, either.
    We sit tight and a few months later the actual invitation shows up, still only with BFs name on the card, but spaces for two names on the RSVP card. I pushed for BF to ask his friend whether or not I was also invited. Turned out the the friend wasn't 100% sure we were still together (BF is very private, doesn't talk about our relationship to anyone but his family), so he didn't want to put my name on the invite, but confirmed that I was invited. I don't understand why he didn't say +1 or whatever, but I guess he figured that if BF and I had broken up, maybe BF would be touchy about suggesting my presence.

    As for your situation, your friends probably had a reason for not inviting the SO (even if it is a tad insensitive, who wants to go to a wedding alone, especially when they're in a LTR?), and you both had a perfectly good reason for declining the invitation. It's a shame it turned out the way it did, but I don't think any of you really did anything "wrong."
     
  8. Blue, i think you just don't think about this anymore :smile:
    i've also been let down by some of my so-called friends, and in the end, you'll know who your true friends are.
    life's too short for this :p
     
  9. It's so sad that some people put so many restrictions on their wedding day. It becomes the 'be all and end all' for them, and they forget that it is 'just one day'. The thing is, that day soon ends (in about 8 hours) and then they are left with the fall out of all the people they have offended! It's a quick way to lose friends!
     
  10. I was raised in the school of etiquette that says you should always invite a guest for every adult over the age of 21 (or over the age of 18 if you are aware that they have a steady BF/GF.) Some of them will bring guests, some won't, some won't be able to attend at all. But it's the polite thing to do. This may seem like inviting a boatload of people, but it's proper. If you need to pare down the guest list, eliminate people who you haven't seen in a long time or make it an adults-only reception(no little kids running around.) Don't exclude people's significant others.

    This has been always been a rule of thumb for weddings in my family, and pretty much everyone in my home town goes by this rule. I would feel uncomfortable attending a wedding without a date, especially if I didn't know a ton of other people that would be there.

    Blue, I can see why you are frustrated with your friend for excluding your BF from the invitation. But after all, it's her wedding, and nobody really can tell her how to run the show. Let her be the tacky one. When you get married, invite her AND her husband. Be classy, because it speaks volumes.

    Another thought, quite often, it's the bride's family who takes care of the guest list and invitations. If the bride's mother/aunt/sister/etc. was in charge of doing this, it's very possible that they overlooked your BF because they didn't know you too well, and didn't know you were dating anyone. I have friends who have gotten into arguments with their mothers just a week before the wedding because the mother forgot to include certain friends, or their significant others, and those friends confronted the bride. The bride had no idea all along. Imagine the tension!

    Sorry for rambling. :shrugs:
     
  11. Gosh, its an odd one that. Weddings are for couples, its more than odd to expect somebody to come without their partners!. I think these people will find quite a few guest are going to decline if they are expecting you to come a long distance on your own!. Yes, weddings are expensive, and it easy to start thinking of each guest as another 100 pounds each, BUT, thats weddings, its only going to happen once, so they have to want each one of their guests to enjoy it, and they are not going to if they are on their own, are they? :smile:
     
  12. I can understand not putting both your names on the invite...but not allowing you to bring your SO (especially one that you have been with for a while) seems tacky. I wouldnt have gone either. The fact that she didnt even give you a thank you card/you havent heard from her since makes matters worse. Sometimes you are better off not associating with these types of people.
     
  13. I agree with IntlSet. But if it were a small wedding then I can understand it. If I was going to do it, I would leave + one guest and if I can't do that then I won't invite the person at all if I don't have room (for them and their + guest) or enough finance.
     
  14. Daniellejp: That's great advice, thanks for sharing! I always like learning about this stuff, proper etiquette can be hard to guess at sometimes.
     
  15. Thanks! I was wondering if I was sort of missing something! Like maybe I was expecting too much courtesy from people.

    I just always had the same thinking as Danielle, 21+ always have a guest and younger people occasionally depending on the circumstances.

    I joke and threaten to invite just her, but I know I'd never do that! Its just that I'm annoyed at how insensitive people are... and yes, I know it is their wedding... but I just know if the situations were reversed and they were invited with out their SO's they'd also be hurt, so to not extend the same courtesy is wrong.

    Edited: did i mention that neither were/are small weddings already? If not, they're both rather large, in the 300 range.