Wedding Blues...

  1. Disclaimer: Post may be long due to pent up emotions and frustration. :sad:

    Me and hub are getting married on June 18th wihich is about 11 days away. Things got off to a bad start because he almost forgot he was supposed to file for a Marriage Notice 21 days before the desired date and luckily, I reconfirmed with the Registry of Marriages before we realy missed the date.

    June 18th is considered an auspicious date this year to get married and because of short notice, we were rushing to get everything done such as fixing the perfect venue, wedding outfits etc Now yesterday, I found the perfect place to hold our solemnization and the view was just what we wanted. Trouble comes in when we are discussing about the guest list and I am mostly close and bonded with my Mum's side of the family who are also a large family (I have 4 other siblings and my Mum has 5 other siblings). Hubby's immediate family is small and close only to his Mum's side of the family (Granny and Aunt) while he is distant with his Dad's side(So no one from that side).

    Anyway, we started out wanting to keep it to the immediate family members but Mum got so excited (I'm the first one to get married) and broadcasted to all my aunts and uncles, who all believed they were invited and I soon got calls from them congratulating me and telling me what new dresses etc they got for my solemnization, everyone was just happy and excited and expected to be part of the invite. So instead of the small ceremony we planned, Hub made plans and changed the Guest List to accomodate more relatives on my side because we both knew how excited all the relatives on my side were and just didn't want to disappoint them and their good intentions. So the ratio is greatly unbalanced at 1:4
    Hub didn't mind and was willing to make changes to keep my Mum happy to show her that he respected her wishes. (Chinese members here should be able to know what I mean. :sad: )

    Me and hub have only one issue and that is 3 children of a particular Aunt of mine. They are noisy, spoilt and disrespectful of everyone around them. Everyone dreads seeing those 3 kids at gatherings! Basically, everyone thinks they are the Devil's Spawn and while my Aunt is a nice lady individually, she becomes extremely protective and very aggressive whenever anyone makes -ve comments abt those little devils. She constantly compares them and brags about how smart and gifted her children are. But the way she teaches her kids are funny and they have ever shouted and scolded at her in front of everyone and she just scoffs it off, not even disciplining them! Both her sons are beaten constantly in school for insulting classmates and she goes off to school to screw the teachers for letting her precious sons get beaten. Her daughter has no friends and just uses her daily lunch money to call her until lunchtime is over because none of the children want to play with her. In short, we all know that her children are pretty egostistical at age 8 - 10 and she and her husband reinforces it.

    Now I have other young little cousins as well and I want them to be at the ceremony! But the thing is, I can't just specify that I want my other cousins there and not the 3 devilets because she would then begrudge me till Kingdom come for not inviting her precious devilets since she thinks they should be the first choice when it comes to inviting kids.

    So me and hub decided to NOT have any kids in order to be fair and not give her a chance to find fault but, now it seems that she and my mother have been having some 'afternoon tea' and now, my mother and eldest sis keeps telling me to invite the children when I and Hub don't really want to because we can just foresee all the misbehaviour by the 3 devilets and we just don't want that day ruined.

    My eldest sis then starts saying how stingy, how badly it would reflect on us yadda yadda for not inviting the children and my aunts would probably not turn up etc etc and I would lose face etc etc, I hate talking to my Sis when she's like that and then tries to disclaim that she's not trying to psycho me into inviting them but ends every ****ing sentence with: "But I mean I would invite the children and show my generosity if it were my wedding....". Then my MUM who said before she understood is instead dropping hints that maybe the children should be invited - WTF? I keep telling her why I don't want to take the chance and she starts by going: "It's not like they won't bring gifts/money." And she doesn't understand that it's NOT the $$ issue and then suddenly, she threatens to boycott the ceremony! Wtf!? That really hurts me because she always does that when she's losing a point and I hate that!

    Bear in mind that this is all happening because of my aunt who wants the 3 devilets to be THERE and my sis loves to sow a little discord whenever she's PMS-ing, now I am expected to change the Guest List yet again and I think someone on the forum once said abt Chinese families : Damned if you do, Damned if you don't. Hell right about that!

    I"ve just had a big fight with Hub about this and he hates the 3 devilets. He just doesn't want to take the chance, have them go and give them a chance to potentially spoil the ceremony. I"m on the verge of cancelling the entire event because I hate it when I'm expected to please everyone which I want to but no one seems to care about what me and hub feel.

    Hub just called me this morning and said he spoke with my future MIL who is understanding and doesn't mind inviting more ppl (I'm very thankful to her for being understanding) and now, the thing is I'm guilty and very thankful at the same time about what Hub is going thru and willing to change the Guest List once again. I really want to show him my appreciation but I don't know how and we are not exactly on talking terms at the moment, just very matter-of-fact with the entire thing. And at the same time, I don't feel like talking to my Mum about this AT ALL and she's giving me the cold shoulder as well. I understand her expectations since I am the first one getting married and she wants to make sure that it'll at least be a presentable and memorable wedding for all my aunts and I understand their excitement and concern for me but honestly! I just feel that she's trying to sacrifice my feelings to please my aunts and live up to their expectations. :sad:

    I just don't know what I can do to make up to Hub and at the same time, quell the situation. Even though he's given me the green light, I don't know what to do now. I want to just get it over with and invite all the children (3 devilets included:rant:) and stop all the -ve comments coming in but at the same time, I don't want HUb to be unhappy. :sad:
    EDIT: Am I being selfish and is it wrong of me to want to please everyone?

    Really sorry about the long post, I just need to vent and well, Mods if you think this is too long, please feel free to delete the post. Thanks again for the outlet. :heart:
  2. well, it is ur wedding so it should be one of the best days in ur life.. yet u brought up a very impt point.. in asian culture at least, not inviting the family, gosh that is really big, especially since u r the first in the family to get married.. u can probably talk to ur hub for now n see what else could be done.. talk to a close family member who can talk to ur mom n explain the situation... maybe if the kids get invited, they will be at the back of the whole event so even if they make a mess, they will be away from u.... but definitely, talk to those who u really want to be happy with u on ur wedding day... n i think that will be ur hub n ur mom if u r really close to her..
  3. Its YOUR WEDDING. Shame on those who are trying to take control to further their own issues around control. Stand firm and say NO. The people who don't like it will get over it. You don't want to go through life feeling upset because you allowed these people to control YOUR Special day!!
  4. bluxcape,

    Spoke to hub and he gave in and told me to make up a new guest list for him, he just wants to move on and not argue about the Guest List and I'm thankful for him for it. I'd leash the 3 devilets at the corner of the hotel pool if I could... :sad:

    My mum wants me to be happy but she seems to be trying to live up to other expectations of my aunts/uncles and she doesn't want to disappoint them. And if she knows Hub is not happy, they make a fuss and make up 'reasons' that the Groom is stingy, etc etc in order to push us to do what they want just to keep them happy! Any pFer here knows what I'm talking abt? It's the things that comes with Asian families and it's really sucky... I'm going to cry soon...
  5. Roo,

    I know what you mean but I have to face my aunts/uncles for life! Asian families remember these little grudges and they never let go. It's a PITA to have to keep with all these customs and politics... I really wish I could just say NO without all the drama right now. :'(
  6. Wow, long post and it took me awhile to read but I LOVE long posts!! :amuse: First of all, I just wanted to say I understand the whole stressfulness and craziness of having a large chinese family (I'm chinese too) and how you must try to please everyone or otherwise you'll lose face and etc. :yes: I think your mom is just very excited about you getting marry and ofcourse she would like to invite everyone because after all, the more people the more faces right? :biggrin: I think you should invite the kids since it looks like if you don't you'll have more problems coming from the family later on. Maybe you can personally talk to your aunt (the one with the 3 devil kids) or have your mom talk to her about your problems/worries regarding her kids and let her know you will not tolerate any misbehavior coming from her 3 kids.

    I know planning a wedding is a really stressful thing and it should be fun as well. Your future hubby is probably just stress about the whole thing and that's why you guys are not on speaking terms right now but trust me, he's just as excited as you about getting marry. :flowers: Well, I hope everything will work out and maybe take a deep breath, clear your head and try to work things out with both sides of your family.

    Good luck and congratulation!!! Have a wonderful wedding!! :yahoo:Maybe post photos for us later on? ;)
  7. Dude, I think that's VERY selfish on your family's part. Of course I understand because Chinese families are ALL about not losing face. Why can't you just tell them there is simply no more room at the ceremony for the kids?

    I think at first your mom was just disappointed, but then your sister poured salt on the wound and now your mom thinks she actually has a legitimate reason to be unhappy with you, which is ABSURD!! I hate HATE HATE meddling family members who say one thing, but you KNOW that if they were placed in the same situation, wouldn't!! My uncle is exactly like this and it makes me SO mad! And when they say it, they act SO self-righteous too. Tell your sister to stay the HELL OUT OF YOUR BUSINESS!

    Man, I'm getting so mad for you now. This is YOUR wedding. Do they know that you and your fiance are not on speaking terms because of this?! I hate how many Chinese parents don't learn to give and take and think that if you/your fiance don't agree with them on some point that you are disrespecting them. :rant:

    You've got to put your foot down! I would NOT let three little nuisances ruin my once in a lifetime ceremony! And if your mom is threatening not to go, then tell her if she's not going, YOU'RE not going either! Two people can play at this game. She's not the only one that can manipulate people. (That's probably very bad advice, but I'm very unhappy now.)
  8. Oh ya... I totally hear ya! :mad:
  9. Orrr!! You can invite all the kids and LOCK THEM IN A ROOM BY THEMSELVES! Only adults at the actual ceremony. The kids can go to some other playroom or something with entertainment until the ceremony's over and then they can come back and eat something. I personally refuse to let ANYTHING ruin MY MOST SPECIAL DAY!
  10. I come from an italian family on one side and an old south cajun family on the other.... talk about people who can hold grudges! :rolleyes:

    The thing is, in these situations you just can't win. Afterwards people will complain that you should have had more 'control' over your wedding and not invited rude children there...

    I know because I've been there.... not a fun place to be! :rant:
  11. Maybe rent one of those giant bouncy thing to keep those kids busy? You know that bouncy thing that I always see outside people's lawn when they have a kiddie b-day parties? :graucho:
  12. ***hugs****
  13. Sneak some xanax into their kool-aid? :lol: (I am trying to make you laugh) :p

    disclaimer: this is an attempt at humor and by no means a reflection of the author's views about medicating children or animals.
  14. Irissy,

    Thank you so much for connecting on the SAME level abt Asian families, The prob with this Aunt of mine is that she's ultra defensive of her children. My other aunts had a falling out with her once when they queried her way of upbringing. 0_o And the best thing is, EVERYONE knows my problems but are just sitting one side, hoping for the best. :'(


    I know! I HATE it when she does that and talks as if she wouldn't hesitate a moment! I hate hate hate it! Hub hates that part of her too. She's always by the side adding salt to the wounds and putting in new ideas in my mum's head!
    Believe me! I'd love to lock them in the room if I could!
  15. Selfish?? Wrong of you to please everyone????

    This is YOUR wedding. The one and only wedding day that hopefully you will ever have. Ever, ever, ever!! Do EVERYTHING exactly the way you've always dreamed/wanted it. I fell for all that "please everybody" crap and regreted it ever since.

    You are the bride, the wedding should be exactly as you (and hubby) (yea right) want it!!!!! This is your one chance -- make it YOUR way!!! Everyone has to understand when it's the bride decision.