upset...Another unhappy event to add to the list

#31
I so agree with Shyloo, but I can empathize with your frustration too. I dated this guy that I was incredibly passionate about. He also had this thing where his previous relationships ended because he couldn't commit. Did I see that as a warning sign? No, I thought it was because of the women he was with.

But you and I (and everyone else) knows the truth. The truth was that he just didn't want to be married to you right now. And that he was willing to sacrifice the entire relationship because of this. Should it bother you? Yes. Should you confront him about it? Only if you think that it will help you get over the fact. My ex called me a while after he wreaked havoc on my life (I never gave him an ultimatum but he did string me along). He wanted to come back, then and there I had the opportunity to say everything I ever wanted but for me, it was pointless. Why should you spend any more energy on him? I would say let it go. Even though it hurts, let it go. If confronting him will help you let go, then only then should you do it. But someone who strings you along and allows you to invest so much of your time and energy into him when he's not willing to reciprocate is not worthy of your love.

I met my husband when I was 28. We didn't marry until 2 years later. The loser above was the best thing that happened to me in the sense that once I met my loving PHH, I recognized him for the wonderful man that he is. Sometimes, it's the painful experiences that allow us to see with clearer vision.

Hang in there and keep us posted! :BIG HUG:
 
#32
I am sorry to hear that this happened, but take heart...Thirty is a great age to make a turning point.
I was with someone for 9 years, and I was slowly "settling for" because I thought I could not find anyone better, until I went to a business meeting in Portland and met Rob. Then I had a choice to make;be comfortable or be happy? When you are with someone for a long time it can be hard to break off and not let your feelings get in the way;anger and resentment being the top ones. But I truly believe timing is everything. With this experience comes maturity and there are good guys out there who know what they want and are just looking for a gal who wants the same thing. Both Rob and I agree that if we had met 9 years earlier, it would not have worked. But I had to go through what I need to to grow up, and find what I really wanted, and that was a best friend for life and someone to grow old with. Stay strong, and be well. All my best wishes.
 
#33
bubbleliciousis said:
Do i really tell him how i feel about all of this? part of me wants to tell him how i feel and how angry and cheated i feel. but the other part of me is like "what's the point? it's not going to change anything and i'm not going to try to keep him in the relationship" i'm trying not to have things degrade into name calling and all. but i'm really pissed off about the whole thing.


that's what people say that it's not a waste but it's just too painful and too much time and energy invested for it to be JUST another experience in my life. i really wish i'd cut and run much earlier and saved myself the time and heartache. too late for that now.


i just have so many problems with family, work and now this 3.5 yr relationship scrapped away and it's all overwhelming and scarring.
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Yes, you should tell him, so you can release this, instead of letting it weigh you down while you deal with other problems. You have a right to closure, to get your feelings out, and just maybe he will examine himself down the road, and not do this to someone else. It sounds to me like he doesn't even see his pattern of getting close/pulling back that is obvious to you, and you have a right to call him on it.
 
#34
I know i know and i totally hear you and what the rest of you have said. I didn't see it as a warning sign, I swear. i honestly believed him and thought it was because of the other 2 ex-gf he was with and that it wasn't right. and only abt 6 mths ago did i finally realize it was a commitment issue and a pattern. and i know the truth is that he just doesn't want to be married to me. and oh boy how that hurts - especially after 3.5yrs.

What else hurts is that he's willing to throw away 3.5yrs of what we had together, that he doesn't value or cherish me or our relationship. (and i tell you i could not have treated him better.) and I feel like such an idiot for all i invested in this relationship only to now learn that it doesn't mean anything to him and he's willing to let it all go, that he'd be happier without me than being married to me. i never thought/knew how little he felt for me and this relationship and what little stake he had in it. I wish I had put more pressure on him earlier so that i would have found out earlier and not wasted this much time and energy, but i know it's pointless to look back because i can't change it.

I know that the next time i hear the same story about long term relationships that ended bc they weren't right for him, it's a red flag and i should run. the next time, i'm not going to let things drag on this long. but oh man, it's going to take me awhile to recover from this and for the next time happen. i feel gutted by all this. I know i deserve better but it's so darn hard to process the hurt and pain. :crybaby: and it's so hard to really believe that this will be okay in the end.







BalenciagaLove said:
I so agree with Shyloo, but I can empathize with your frustration too. I dated this guy that I was incredibly passionate about. He also had this thing where his previous relationships ended because he couldn't commit. Did I see that as a warning sign? No, I thought it was because of the women he was with.

But you and I (and everyone else) knows the truth. The truth was that he just didn't want to be married to you right now. And that he was willing to sacrifice the entire relationship because of this. Should it bother you? Yes. Should you confront him about it? Only if you think that it will help you get over the fact. My ex called me a while after he wreaked havoc on my life (I never gave him an ultimatum but he did string me along). He wanted to come back, then and there I had the opportunity to say everything I ever wanted but for me, it was pointless. Why should you spend any more energy on him? I would say let it go. Even though it hurts, let it go. If confronting him will help you let go, then only then should you do it. But someone who strings you along and allows you to invest so much of your time and energy into him when he's not willing to reciprocate is not worthy of your love.

I met my husband when I was 28. We didn't marry until 2 years later. The loser above was the best thing that happened to me in the sense that once I met my loving PHH, I recognized him for the wonderful man that he is. Sometimes, it's the painful experiences that allow us to see with clearer vision.

Hang in there and keep us posted! :BIG HUG:
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#35
Look towards the future and not the past. You have grown and learned from this relationship. I know you are angry but telling him off is a waste of time. It could get ugly with him telling you off and then you can think it is your fault the relationship did not work out. Some guys can't commit, they string you along. My cousin dated a guy for over 18+ years, she in her mind thought they would get married some day. She wasted her youth and she wanted a child so much and wasted her time with him and was too old to have children when she finally moved away. After she moved she kept thinking he would come and marry her one day, all he did was use her house as a free vacation stop.
So now you have the freedom to put yourself first and do what you want. Maybe volunteer--you might meet some really interesting people who show that they are able to care for people.
Good luck and know that it will get better.
 
#36
GOOD LUCK TO YOU, let him be the one with regrets,you will be happy ...and then he will realize that he made the big mistake and it was all a loss for him and when you find love it will be a great gain for you!!

It's not easy but you will get through it, in the end you will be :smile: :heart: :lol:
 
#37
I'm so sorry for you! I've been there, I had a relationship of 3,5 years that did not lead to anything. Be strong and stop eating yourself up with "If I wasn't with him, I could meet someone else". You cannot change the past, but you can change the future! think that you become a bit wiser from this realtionship and don't give up!
 
#38
You definitely have the right to feel cheated!! And you also definitely did the right thing. I think you can feel like you cut your loses and at least didn't waste a 5th year on him. This happened to a good friend of mine. It was almost like Legally Blonde. She was expecting the ring and *bam* he broke up with her after 5 years. She's now 32 and married and happier. She could never see having kids with the old boyfriend and now admits that she'll have one with her husband.

Try to think of it as a sunk cost like they say in economics class (when you look to the future you ignore sunk costs because they mean nothing to you future profitability.) I know plently of single men in their 30s who are happy to date single women in their 30s.
 
#39
I'm sorry, that's tough! But at least you got out after 3.5 years after, say, 5 years! It's good that he didn't just keep stringing you along. If marriage IS important to you, then find a man who loves you enough to respect that value and who will put a ring on your finger. Good luck!
 
#40
hey,

yes i'm glad i didn't let this drag longer. i spent enough time/sunk cost on this. I hope he sees that he made a mistake some time down the line BUT i) i'm not going to waste my life consumed with that and ii) i hope i'll have moved on by then.

He called me again this morning because i was too stunned and speechless yesterday to say anything. I told him how i felt but that I wasn't going to try to convince him to change his mind because his decision tells me that he doesn't value me or this relationship enough and he's not willing to work through the small issues. and i don't want to be with someone who doesn't value me and i don't want to be the only one working to make the relationship work.

i don't know why and how he's willing to let this all go given all the we have together. I think he's crazy to give all this up but i know it's his choice and i can't do anything to make him value what we had.
i think i'll always wonder why not me/us despite the fact that we were happy together and that i treated him so well.


The heartbreak is both emotional and physical. I've feel physically sick about the whole thing. I've been having a mild throbbing headache the whole day and i can barely eat more than a few spoonsful and my tummy is totally out of wack (i get this way when i'm under stress). The last time i felt this way was 8 yrs ago when i found out on valentine's day that the guy i was dating was double-timing me. I forgot how painful breakups were.


i know i have to get over it and move on and work on making plans for my life but it's so painful to deal with the fact that you don't mean anything to someone you valued. and it's so tough after 4 yrs and after being in a relationship i thought was going to end in marriage. there's just so much hurt in knowing that you're unwanted and despite everything that i've gone and we've shared together, he would rather give it all up and not be with me than to be together.
 
#41
bubbleliciousis said:
hey gals,

as some of you know, the last few months have been tough for me and now i have another thing to deal with.

My BF and I have been together for 3.5 years and i told him he either needed to propose or break up. and the BF just broke up with me. I have this whole bunch of feelings but i couldn't even say a thing on the phone. i didn't know what to say.

He always said he was serious and he was in this relationship to get married and that's why i stuck around in the relationship for so long and never pushed him about getting engaged till now. and looking back, i should have done it earlier and i should have seen the red flags. i feel i wasted 4 precious years during my prime dating years and he wasted my time stinging me along.

when i first dated him, i knew he had 2 long term (4-5 yrs) relationships prior and it didn't because he couldn't get married. I don't know why i never saw it as a red flag back then that he was commitment phobic. i just accepted his explaination that they were not right for him. why didn't i see that and run straight away??

he said he couldn't get engaged because i) we're apart now (We apart now because i'm sorting out family issues but i've said it won't be longer than another 6 more months.) ii) I'm not sure i want kids and if i had kids, when i could have them given career plans. the irony is that he doesn't even know if he wants kids but it's an issue.

there are so many things i want to yell at him for - mostly for wasting my time. but somehow i guess i'm not a yeller so it doesn't come out. should i make an effort to yell at him? i'm so hurt and angry. i want to tell him how he's commitment phobic and to stop wasting everyone else's time by stringing them along for 4-5 years.

perhaps i would have met a great guy in the last 4 years if i had cut this relationship off sooner and going into the big 3 0, i wonder if i'll meet anyone after this. 99% of the guys i know would rather date someone in their 20s/younger than them instead of someone their age. and i don't blame them for wanting to do that.

breaking up and ending long relationships suck.
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Sorry about all this. I know you are feeling angry but it is part of the mourning period of a loss. Whether it be a relationship or whatever, these feelings will pass. You can't force someone to be on the same page as you, so to speak. Time heals all wounds. Cheesy but true. Maybe write him a letter and tell him your feelings. It might help you cope to get your feelings out. It doesn't matter how old you are. Just chalk it up to a life experience. I am sure it wasn't all horrible or you wouldn't of stayed with him for so long. Just remember the good times and move on. Being angry won't help you. Now would be a good time to get to know yourself. When you are ready for another relationship, you will know if the person is right for you or not.
 
#42
So sorry to hear about your breakup. Please don't think that you wasted 3+ years, because any time spent in a relationship is a learning experience, and that is definitely not time wasted.

Go out and date who you want, regardless of their age. I dated men older and younger than me and it was a great experience. Also, you are not too old ... I didn't get married until I was 35 and I often say that if I had married younger to someone else, I would not be married now! You change so much from your late 20s to early 30s. Take time for yourself, spend time with family and friends, and do what you want to do. You will come out ahead!
 
#44
Breaking up is so tough. I lived with a guy for two years and when it came to the point of moving forward and getting engaged we broke up. Afterwards he told me if I didn't pressure him he would have proposed (yeah right...easy to say after the fact). Looking back I am so happy we are not together.

I would never wait around again for a man to marry me. I've seen men who fall crazy in love and can't wait to get married and that is what I am looking for...not someone I have to convince.

Better single than sorry!
 
#45
Blue, i totally feel for you and i'm so sorry he did that. I wouldn't believe someone who said he'd propose if he wasn't pressured. it doesn't make sense. if you value someone and you don't want them to walk out of your life then you know what you have to do.

I too do not want to have to convince/force/persuade someone to marry me. the person should want to marry me because he values me enough and sees how special the relationship is and he doesn't want to lose me or the relationship we have.

and i think without someone fully appreciating and valuing you, they will never be 100% invested in the relationship and work hard to make the relationship work. A person has very little incentive to make things work if they don't value you.




blue996 said:
Breaking up is so tough. I lived with a guy for two years and when it came to the point of moving forward and getting engaged we broke up. Afterwards he told me if I didn't pressure him he would have proposed (yeah right...easy to say after the fact). Looking back I am so happy we are not together.

I would never wait around again for a man to marry me. I've seen men who fall crazy in love and can't wait to get married and that is what I am looking for...not someone I have to convince.

Better single than sorry!
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