upset...Another unhappy event to add to the list

  1. hey gals,

    as some of you know, the last few months have been tough for me and now i have another thing to deal with.

    My BF and I have been together for 3.5 years and i told him he either needed to propose or break up. and the BF just broke up with me. I have this whole bunch of feelings but i couldn't even say a thing on the phone. i didn't know what to say.

    He always said he was serious and he was in this relationship to get married and that's why i stuck around in the relationship for so long and never pushed him about getting engaged till now. and looking back, i should have done it earlier and i should have seen the red flags. i feel i wasted 4 precious years during my prime dating years and he wasted my time stinging me along.

    when i first dated him, i knew he had 2 long term (4-5 yrs) relationships prior and it didn't because he couldn't get married. I don't know why i never saw it as a red flag back then that he was commitment phobic. i just accepted his explaination that they were not right for him. why didn't i see that and run straight away??

    he said he couldn't get engaged because i) we're apart now (We apart now because i'm sorting out family issues but i've said it won't be longer than another 6 more months.) ii) I'm not sure i want kids and if i had kids, when i could have them given career plans. the irony is that he doesn't even know if he wants kids but it's an issue.

    there are so many things i want to yell at him for - mostly for wasting my time. but somehow i guess i'm not a yeller so it doesn't come out. should i make an effort to yell at him? i'm so hurt and angry. i want to tell him how he's commitment phobic and to stop wasting everyone else's time by stringing them along for 4-5 years.

    perhaps i would have met a great guy in the last 4 years if i had cut this relationship off sooner and going into the big 3 0, i wonder if i'll meet anyone after this. 99% of the guys i know would rather date someone in their 20s/younger than them instead of someone their age. and i don't blame them for wanting to do that.

    breaking up and ending long relationships suck.
  2. UGH-so sorry! Pleas have faith! There will be another man! You are plenty young! I met my current DH at 28 and we were married 3 months later!! HEE HEE You did the right thing for you. If you want to be married then you need to find someone who is on the same page as you! Good Luck!!
  3. My best advice to comfort you is to say look towards the future and don't waste the present by beating yourself up for the time you invested in this relationship. You deserve happiness and hopefully lessons were learned from this difficult emotional time.
  4. I'm so sorry, it does suck horrible. Emotional pain is the worse. Nothing can make it better but time. I wasted the last 6 yrs with an on again off again relationship, not really caring if I was single or not and now I look back and wish I had that time back. You're definately not alone! ((hugs)) Keep the faith that there is someone out there for you!
  5. Yes, it does suck and I'm so sorry you're having to go through this! When my ex-husband told me he wanted a divorce after 7 years of marriage I was devastated. I thought, how am I supposed to go back to being single, especially at my age (I was 34 at the time)? But it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Believe me, it's better that he was honest with you and broke it off before you got married and possibly had children.

    I know you're angry and there are a lot of things you want to say to him but I doubt it would really make a difference to him. Hold on to your pride and don't waste any more time on him, clearly he isn't worth it. Remember, you did say "propose or split up"--now you have your answer.
  6. omg This really sucks. Please be strong b/c this shall pass also. *big hugs*
  7. "Watching you walk out of my life doesn't make me bitter or cynical about love, but it rather makes me wonder; if I so much wanted to be with the wrong one, how wonderful it will be when the right one comes along..."

    I came across this while browsing through blogs. This quote has been passed around and I think this might help :yes: Break ups are never easy.. Hang in there!!! We're all here for you
  8. sorry to hear about the breeak up but at least you know before you got married that he wasn' the "right" one. hang in right may be just around the corner!
  9. i hear you all but i can't help but be angry about the whole thing because i felt like he led me on by saying all the right things all the time. i want to scream and yell :cursing:at him and i'd like to give him some :boxing:but i guess it's not in my nature to do so.

    i'm not going to convince him to stay in the relationship because i have many other things to do with my life besides being with someone who doesn't truly value me and the relationship.

    but i can't help feeling that i just wasted 4 yrs and that i might have met someone else who would have wanted to share their life with me. i just feel so cheated!!

    and all that time we spent together, i could have used to do more volunteer work that would have actually benefited someone.

    it feels like everything (time, energy) invested in that was for nothing you know?

    right now with all my other issues i'm dealing with, i'm just so exhausted with all the problems in my life. i just wish something would work out :crybaby:
  10. I know exactly how you feel about wasted energy and time... I'm barely turning 25 in April, but I started dating my husband at the end of college when we were 21. Things went slow at first and we were mostly just killing time, but when we'd been dating for 9 months I gave him the same ultimatum and he proposed a month later. This next part is going to sound really dumb, but I think our situation was unique because we had already dated for nearly a year in middle school.

    We broke up because we were going to different high schools and we realized we were only 14 and needed to date other people. We kept in touch off and on through the years and decided to get back together towards the end of college. By that time I knew what I wanted out of life, and what I didn't. I wanted to either focus on family, then my career or focus on my career, then on family. Dating him was keeping me in limbo and after a while I drew the line.

    In your case I think you had every right to find out where things were going. If you can't decide if someone is marriage material (and if you know that's what you want) after 3 years it's safe to say that you need a point of clarification from the other person. At least now you can get on with your life. :flowers:
  11. Don't be down. 30 is not old, there are still plenty of fish in the sea when you are 30 :biggrin:. Im sorry for about you BF being such an idiot. And I truly think that you have every right to shout at him!
  12. yes he is an idiot because i treated him really well!!!

    while there are plenty fish in the sea, i tend to find that the plenty fish are either not that great fish or the fish want to date younger fishes in their early to mid 20s....
  13. Well, you are taking the right step now by not trying to hold on to the relationship. Don't consider it a waste, though. Everything happens for a reason, and every experience becomes a part of you and teaches you something. Just remember all of the positive moments, and realize that those have value in their own right, whatever the final outcome. Perhaps you were meant to meet someone who could not have come into your life until now, or a year from now, and marrying three years ago would have prevented you from meeting your true soul mate.

    Don't worry about your age. Thirty is definitely not too old. The kind of man who only wants to date a younger twenty-something is the same kind of man who eventually replaces his forty-something wife with a younger woman. If you meet a man now who appreciates your maturity and experience, you know he is more likely to be there for the long haul.

    By the way, you should definitely let him know how you feel. Even if you have to write down what you want to tell him, or do it in a long letter, so you remember everything you want to say, you will feel much better if you get it ALL out.

    Best of luck!
  14. Do i really tell him how i feel about all of this? part of me wants to tell him how i feel and how angry and cheated i feel. but the other part of me is like "what's the point? it's not going to change anything and i'm not going to try to keep him in the relationship" i'm trying not to have things degrade into name calling and all. but i'm really pissed off about the whole thing.

    that's what people say that it's not a waste but it's just too painful and too much time and energy invested for it to be JUST another experience in my life. i really wish i'd cut and run much earlier and saved myself the time and heartache. too late for that now.

    i just have so many problems with family, work and now this 3.5 yr relationship scrapped away and it's all overwhelming and scarring.

  15. So sorry this happened. but you must have faith that a good man will come along :smile:
    Everything happens for a reason and in the end good things do come.
    Just believe in yourself *hugs* things will get better.