Ultimatums to Boyfriends

  1. Have any of you experienced this before, or know of friends who've done it: one of my co-workers has been dating her bf for about 7 years and last fall, she decided to give him an ultimatum - that if he did not propose by the end of the year, she would leave him. I kind of thought that her behavior was outrageous only because from my conversations with her (and we are very open with each other), the relationship seemed fine - they were happy except for that one point. I've been with my bf for 7+ years, and as much as I would love for him to propose, I would never demand that he do it. I think it takes away from the "surprise" element, and puts the relationship in an awkward place. She got her wish though - he proposed to her around the holidays, but only after she got really mad at him for something, and she locked him out of their bedroom. I don't mean to give the impression that they have a volatile relationship - it is (or was) only testy because of that one point.
     
  2. I too would never give an ultimatum. However, I dated a guy for five years when I was in my twenties, and he was not ready to get married. I was. I got tired of waiting and decided it was best for me to move on. I did. It was hard to leave someone I loved, but I just felt it was the best thing for me. There was another big issue too though. He is Greek and I am not. That seemed to be a real big deal to his parents. I was never really accepted. I wasn't welcome in the house, blah, blah, blah. That also played a big part in my decision. I felt he needed to stand up for our relationship with his parents. I was like the invisible girlfriend for five years. Got tired of it. Moved on. Met my husband. I've been happily married for 12 years. Sometimes it's necessary to sh#* or get off the pot!
     
  3. I think if the guy is not ready, he simply isn't ready. Trying to force someone to do something they don't want to do, can only end in disaster.

    Why be the bride who made the man marry her ?
     
  4. i agree with pradasmeadow.......forcing a man who's not ready to propose to propose to you can only end in disaster......if a man isn't proposing to you, there's obviously a reason for it (he doesn't want, he's waiting for the right time, he's not ready to be in a lifetime commitment), and the solution isn't to throw a tantrum until he does propose.....there're many things you can get out of life from pouting and being difficult, but i really don't think a marriage should be one of them.....i guess fortunately for me my boyfriend can't wait to get married (or unforunately depending on how you look at it :amuse:)
     
  5. Yikes! You are all going to hate me. I was dating my DH for 6 years. We had the conversation SO many times- I was getting sick of it. We had an amazing relationship and never wanted to be apart- but would not live together unless we were married. EVERYONE always asked us when were getting married- and it just got to me finally. We had even picked out engagement rings, and I was getting tired of what I thought was him holding the carrot in front of the mule. So finally, I broke down and we had a huge argument. I told him that (this was May 1999) if I went back to lawschool that fall without being engaged, I could not do it any more and I was going to move on because I was afraid that this was indicative of a fear to commit on his part. He probably knew I would never break up with him anyway, because unbeknownst to me, he had already ordered my engagement ring, and waited until we went to our annual trip to Vegas in August to propose. I was COMPLETELY suprised, and it was the best trip ever!!!! We got married the following August 2000 and it has been so much fun ever since- we finally got to live together (which was a huge deal for us)!
     
  6. Does a piece of paper make that much of a differnce in a relationship? Will that paper make things better?

    If things are going well why does marriage have to be the next step? If you are comitted to a relationship a paper is going to change that or make it more valuable.

    IMO!
     
  7. Okay, here is my story....I was in love like MAD with my EX (see where this is going) We were best friends, the whole deal) but he would not commit. We were not even living together...but saw each other everyday. Our businesses were side by side... we did everything together..I loved this man so much I still ache for him. HOWEVER. He did NOT want a family, marriage etc....SO I packep up...sold the business, and the house and moved back to the states. Im happily married, ADORE my husband, and never thought I could be so complete. I do miss the EX...and talk to him at Xmas every year...and ofcourse now....he so wants to marry me. BASTURD. Lost his chance for sure.
     
  8. I agree to an extent. For us, marriage is much more than a piece of paper- and both of us belive in the instution of marriage as a symbol of the ultimate commitment to one another, especially in our religion and to us- and that is how we were both brought up- I call it old fashion brain washing thanks to our parents. So, getting married was naturally the next step for us, and we both very much wanted to continue down that path. His only hang up was the fact that he had just finished dental school and wanted to pay off his student loans before getting married- so that I would not be burdened by his debt. When teh time was right, getting married was the right thing to do for us. I do not believe that this is right for everybody though. Although I do believe that it is something that should be available to ANYONE who wants to be married.
     
  9. jag i think your story is actually really cute and i'm sure nobody will hate you....i wanted to qualify my statement above by saying that i think it's problematic to force a man who's not ready to propose to propose--and by not ready i guess i mean somebody who just has no intentions of proposing or doesn't want to get married yet....i think that might cause problems down the line (although of course it could end up great)......

    i think it's a different story if the guy intended to propose anyway or you've talked about marriage........i guess my version of your story is my boyfriend bought me a promise ring of sorts after we'd been together for a year (this was when we were around 17 i think).....and now 4 years later i'm always asking him when i get a bigger (much much bigger :lol:) diamond ring :p
     
  10. I think it's best when it's a surprise. It's true if everything is going well why does it have to be put on a piece of paper. In time for men things tend to change and they see all their friends getting married that it does hit them. Personally can't force a guy to make the move it might make him run away than stay. There can always be talks about it but when the time is right things will fall into place.
     
  11. I detest ultimatums. Its a relationship, not a written contract.

    (Sorry, I'm saying that mostly because my BF gives me ultimatums sometimes and it really pisses me off).
     
  12. i must be the only one who doesn't want to be married. i think i'll be happy just to be engaged for the rest of my life! i have a feeling that once you live together it all goes down the toilet. if i ever do get married, we'd probably live in separate housing. that way if we have fights we each have someplace to go other than the couch!
     
  13. I would never do that personally. I had a friend pull that one on her boyfriend, they got married afterwards just like she wanted...but you better believe he threw it in her face whenever they had an arguement.

    He would say stuff like "I didn't want to get married in the first place...YOU did."

    what a jerk

    OMG Fayden, my husband and I agreed that our relationship would be perfect if we lived in separate homes! lol.

    Oh and you aren't the only one. If for some sad reason I would have to get divorced, I woudn't do it again. You can have a commited loving relationship without marriage. And I'm not saying that because I am bitter or miserable in my relationship because I'm not.
     
  14. I have been with my BF for almost 4 years. We own a house together & I have told him that he has until this year to propose or we will have to part ways. Before everyone thinks that I am a horrible & spoiled girl, I am ready to have children but my bf who also wants children won't have them until we are married. He already knows what he is getting with me, I am not going to become a different person once we are married & I actually don't even need to be married but he won't have children unless we are. I don't want to force anyone to marry me but I can't wait for him either, god knows I ain't getting younger :cry: . The way I look at it is, I am giving another person 1 year to decide if they want to be with me forever. I don't think it would be fair if one day I just packed up & said sorry you didn't propose so I am leaving you & they were completely shocked, right? This way at the end of the year if I have to leave, it will be his loss not mine.
     
  15. lol i tell my boyfriend i never want to live with him...near him yes, with him no.....i told him i want to be two adjoining houses, with a walkway that connects the two (kinda like the elevated walkways you see betwene hospital buildings)........he can have his own bathroom, everything.......i love him to death but i don't know how i'd feel about being around him 24/7.....especially since he snores soso loud...sometimes i'm seriously tempted to kill him in his sleep and i put a pillow over hid head :wacko: