Touchy question...

  1. Is there ever a good way to talk to an SO about their health/weight? I'm really curious about this. I've had SOs approach me about this issue several different times, sometimes callously ("maybe you should take the stairs while we take the elevator, you're trying to lose weight, remember?" in front of a group of my friends) and sometimes in a nice way, simply suggesting we go to the gym together to help get us both started on an exercise plan again. So at some moments I've resented the intervention, and sometimes I appreciate it. But it's so hard not to be hurtful!

    I'm struggling with the same issue right now with my SO for the first time. I'm staying active and eating well and he's not active at all, eating junk food all the time, and has put on a considerable amount of weight in the last 5 months. The last few months have been stressful for him (he's still looking for a job, that's tough), and I don't want to discount that, but I want to encourage him to start taking care of himself again and bring his weight back down to a healthy level. I really am worried that if he doesn't try to stay in shape now that it will become a health concern for him in 10 years (he comes from a family of very overweight people, and his parents are already having health problems due to weight like diabedes). But I don't know how to do that...I've been encouraging him to go exercise like I do, but that doesn't work at all, he says he will and never does. Do you think I should just accept him unconditionally and hope he builds up the confidence to take care of himself at some point in the future? Do I say something to try to bring the problem to light? I'm not looking for him to become a gym rat, I would just like him to take care of himself while he's young and able. When I met him he was in shape and taking care of himself, very motivated, but there's been a dramatic change since then, and it does make me sad. Any suggestions?
  2. You said he has been between jobs for a few months, so I guess that's the root of his current weight problem. Most likely he is trying to compensate unpleasant feelings and fears with food, you should tell him that you are concerned about that, as such a behaviour is not healthy at all. Maybe that will give him the right input. You may also tell him that working out boosts one's self-esteem/self-confidence, two things that are essential to make a good impression in job interviews.
  3. Oohh man. I personally don't think there is a good way to talk to your SO about this - but if you're really concerned about it, then it's something that you have to do.

    I went through this with my last boyfriend. When we first got together, he was into eating healthily and doing at least some exercise - but after a while, things just slowed down, he gained about 40 lbs and he was absolutely not active anymore. I did not want to hurt his feelings, so I never said anything. And that not saying anything lead to me not being attracted to him, the amount of sex we were having declining, and the overall relationship going to hell :sad:

    First, I'd try asking him if he'd like going on a walk with you one day or something. Talk about some fun things on the walk and let him know that you had a good time talking a walk with him and that you'd like him to join you next time since it makes the time go by faster. I tried this with my ex, and it didn't work. So then I started cooking for him. I'd make extras of what I was making at home, and I told him not to cook or eat anything, since I was bringing something over. He either didn't like it, or had already eaten some junk at home. So that didn't work for us either.

    The only thing that really did work was one day when I got really mad, I just got blunt. I told him that if he didn't clean up his act and start taking care of himself, that it was likely he was going to end up like many of the others in his family. Dead at a young age due to a heart attack. That got him turned around pretty quickly. He lost around 30 lbs in the time that we were still together, but apparently gained it all back when we broke up out of depression. :shrugs:

    I would think that the reason he's gained so much weight is because of his current situation. If he's sitting at home, he's probably bored and bummed out that he doesn't have a job. What makes the time go by faster when you're bored and bummed? Food.
  4. You're right. This is an extremely touchy question.

    Unfortunately, I think you are just as likely to upset, annoy and/or depress him by bringing it up, as encourage him. Probably even more so.

    As you say, he's probably feeling a bit down, because of his lack of jobhunting success, so far.

    If you can think up some sort of entertaining activity (, I didn't mean that, LOL! :lol: Although, it's an idea, I suppose!), that you think he might enjoy, without realising that you are trying to encourage him to be more active; that might be the answer.

    However, I think saying; 'Darling, I've noticed that perhaps you're not as svelte and toned as you used to be. Perhaps you should eat a bit less and go to the gym.' would be a very bad move, particularly in what I assume is his present state of mind! :s

    At the end of the day, he's his own person with a right to do what he likes, even if that is gaining weight (hopefully, temporarily) and you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink.

    Hopefully, he'll sort himself out, eventually, once this stressful period is over. :yes:

    ...BTW, you've managed to encourage me - I'm off to do some exercise, LOL! :lol:
  5. I hinted to my bf that he should eat healthier - and now he's super self concious and is semi obsessed with losing weight. I wish I never said anything :sad:
  6. This is a sticky situation. It's hard to talk to anyone about weight and health without them getting somewhat upset or offended.

    I would stress the importance of health to him. It sounds like the weight gain is from the stress of job hunting. That really does have an effect on people, especially on men, who tend to measure their success in life by their jobs/careers. When (and if) you do talk to him about it, stress the family aspect, the fact that his family members are overweight and are suffering serious health problems, and how you want him to be healthy so that the two of you can have a long, happy future together.
  7. first off, let me please vent my anger toward that asshat who made the elevator comment! that is so very unacceptable (pass-agg, inapprop), the whole nine. :rant: it's a topic fraught with fear and insecurity for EVERYONE, but i especially question a man who says this to a woman (at all, not even to mention in public, how horrid) because more women use food to cope with emotional issues than men. Not that men can't be emotional eaters--don't attack me!--i'm just saying that women are more succeptable to it, to eating disorders, to the shame that surrounds it, etc.

    that said, you still can't say anything directly--he's down in the dumps. i would use that angle instead of the food/weight one, a la "oh sweetie, i wish there were something i could do to help you feel better, because i understand this is a hard time for you. i can only really offer what helped me when i was going thru a rough patch, and that was going to the gym--even for a half hour--and venting my frustrations out there. i'd always leave feeling a bit saner, healthier, whatever, than when i came in."

    (oh the irony: i totally agree with myself that working out makes one feel SO MUCH BETTER, but i know when i'm truly truly down it's almost impossible to drag myself to gym. it's almost like i'm purposely sabotaging myself just to ensure that i keep feeling crappy. not sure if this would apply to your SO but it's possible.)
  8. Well, I've spent the last hour dancing around my living room (my current exercise of choice, LOL! :lol: ) and I feel much better for it!

    Perhaps you could try to remind him how much better he'll feel after exercising. I find that it's easy to forget, especially if you haven't exercised for a while and you end up thinking of it as just a chore.

    In fact, I find that the longer I go without exercising, when I'm too busy, or have been ill; the more I get an endorphine buzz off it! :nuts:
  9. It sounds like he is very depressed and understandably so. The irony is that excercise releases endorphines that actually pick up your mood which encourages more excercise. Is there an activity he enjoys like playing tennis or something? I have to trick my DH into excercising sometimes and he suffers from depression. He has admitted to me that he realizes excercise is one of the best things for him mentally. Will he jog with you or maybe just take him to the beach (if your'e near one) and do a fast walk along the shore with him? What does he like to do that you can turn into excercise?

  10. Actually, I can totally relate to what you're saying. :yes:

    When I'm really down, it's almost as if my brain is saying; 'come on, give in to the depression - you know you want to!'.

    I tell myself that my conscious brain is what is in control of my feelings, not my subconscious brain and I don't have to allow myself to sink into a depression; but it can feel almost seductive to give in and wallow in it! :shrugs:

    BTW, there are at least three other reasons why women tend to have more of a tendency to gain weight easily. The first is that we tend to be smaller and weigh less, so have a lower calorific requirement. The second is that we are, obviously, the ones who carry the babies, so we are generally designed to carry extra weight to see us through prospective pregnancies (not to mention the weight gained during them) and the third is that we are programmed to eat more at certain times of the month. :yes:
  11. Sometimes a little tough love is all a person really needs. Don't humiliate him in front of friends, but straightforward criticism is not to be discounted either. "You're getting fat." is really all you have to say. Don't take it further than that, don't hide it behind jokes, don't fight about it or talk about it more than that, just say it and walk into another room and let him think it over.
  12. I'm the one that gained a lot of weight during the relationship. Personally, I wish he said something sooner, but all he said was, "No, you look great". One year later, I look in the mirror and say "What the heck happened to me?" and now I'm working out like crazy and eating totally different. When couples get "comfortable" with each other, they tend to kinda let themselves go. I really think it's easier and better to say it sooner rather than later. He'll appreciate it in the long run.
  13. well.. i don't know if it applies to all male species..but this was my case..

    A few years back i was really struggling with school work, my parents expect me to enter one of the top uni in the country (and i did make it)..i would burn the midnight oil endlessly, eating everything in sight..order a large pizza and gobble everything alone..i would do anything just to make me focus on my studies.. i was pretty depressed and down due the pressure and stress- food was my comfort..well, needless to say i gained 25 kg in a few months.. none of my clothes fit anymore and i kept eating the way i did when i was studying... i kept telling myself "i made it to one of the best uni in the country.. well in the world for that matter.. food is my reward now"... my dad begged me to excercise, he pleaded with me, he scolded me, he yelled at me, he dragged me to the gym with him, my gf cried begging me to slim down... but seriously nothing did work..the crude remarks that people made about me being fat mean practically nothing to me..till one day, i looked at myself in the mirror.. and i just told myself i have to slim down.. and i did..i lost 30 kg within a year.. my point is: maybe there is really nothing that you can do to help him, the determination and will power to slim down has to come from within.. i remembered the more people asked me to slim down, the more i rebel against them and actually consume more food just to get back at them.. allow him to dwell on his sadness for a bit, let him get it out of his system.. im sure there would be a turning point whereby he would snap out of it and get on with his life..

    Ps: i don't mean to sound insensitive or anything.. but i just would like to share my experience

  14. Um, wow. That's...festive.