The War at Home

  1. This is SUCH a funny show!

    It's about Dave (played by Michael Rapaport, from "Boston Public") and Vicky (played by Anita Barone, from "The Jeff Foxworthy Show") and their daily battles against their teenage children to keep their home, their children, and themselves in order.

    I love how Dave either tries WAY too hard to do the right thing, or he doesn't try and gets his wife to handle it.

    Every once in a while, the show goes into 'neutral space' (a la Titus) to show what's going on in each character's head.
  2. Vicky: (to Hillary about Hillary's date with a senior) Is that true?
    Hillary: No. He's a freshman... in college.
    Vicky: Hillary!
    Hillary: Are you gonna make a big deal out of this?
    (Cut scene)
    Dave: Okay... okay, be firm, but understanding. It's all the way you say it.
    Dave: No :cursing: ing way are you going!

    Dave: Hey, whatever happened to, uh, "Parents that smoke have kids that smoke"?
    Vicky: You really want to make an issue out of this, Mr. Pornography in Your Sock Drawer? 'Cause I'm willing to quit anytime you are.

    Fox Executive: (Close-up of a man in a suit and tie) We at the network do not necessarily agree with the views and opinions regarding crossdressers portrayed in this show. (As he walks away, you see that he is wearing women's nylon stockings and high heels instead of pants and shoes)

    Vicky: Plus, Bob says, if we're judgemental, it'll only cause Larry more anxiety.
    Dave: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Bob? Bob who?
    Vicky: Bob Tellerino.
    Dave: Bob? Your ex-boyfriend Bob?
    Vicky: Yeah.
    Dave: Since when are you talking to him?
    Vicky: You know, he found me on one of those reunion Web sites, and he sent me a nice e-mail, and now we're back in touch.
    Dave: Yeah, well, why didn't you e-mail him back and say, "I'm married, my husband keeps me very satisfied, and don't ever contact me again"? Huh? Well, maybe I should start e-mailing all the girls I've ever slept with.
    Vicky: I'm sure they'd both be very happy to hear from you.

    Dave: Hey, sweetie. How's my favorite daughter?
    Hillary: Yeah. Anyways, I'm going to Brenda's in a little while, and I'm gonna need a ride home.
    Dave: Okay. Um, um, what time do you need to be picked up?
    Hillary: I'd say around... (Flips Dave off with both hands)
    Dave: 11. Okie dokie.

    Dave: (Sees Hillary looking at his Penthouse magazine) What the hell are you doing? That's a men's magazine for men. Oh, God. Don't tell me you're going Rosie O'Donnell on me.
    Hillary: Relax, I'm just looking at the boobs.
    Dave: Not making me feel better.

    Dave: (On the phone) Hello? Hey, hi, Arlene. Yeah, no, the kids just got home. Yeah, they're fine. No, they're just watching TV in Hillary's room. Yeah, of course we have a V-chip. Okay. Talk to you soon.
    Vicky: Brenda's mom?
    Dave: Yeah. Hey, what the hell's a V-chip?
    Vicky: It's something that stops kids from watching sex and violence on TV.
    Dave: Without the sex and violence, who the hell would want to watch TV?

    Dave: Hey, where are you off to?
    Hillary: I'm meeting Brenda. We're going to the movies. Oh, and, um, her parents said that she could stay over tonight.
    Vicky: Okay, fine. Just be home on time.
    Hillary: I will. She has to call them from here by 11:00. It's the only way they let her stay over.
    Vicky: They don't trust her, huh?
    Hillary: No, actually, they don't trust you.
    Dave: What? Why not?
    Hillary: I guess they, uh, think that you and mom aren't exactly the best parents.
    Vicky: They said that?
    Hillary: No. Actually, they said you suck.
  3. Larry: Hey, Dad, uh, you busy?
    Dave: No.
    Larry: Can I ask you something?
    Dave: No.

    Dr. Leiber: (about Mike) This is a very difficult thing for a therapist to tell a parent about their child...
    Vicky: Oh, God!
    Dave: What, he's sick? He's really sick?
    Dr. Leiber: Actually, the clinical term is, "Big :cursing:ing Liar."

    Dave: When was the last time you even went to church?
    Vicky: I don't know. But when I was her age, I went plenty. You know why? Because my parents made me. And I would sit there, miserable, bored out of my skull, being lectured to and being told I was a sinner and I was going to hell. And I just want my children to experience that.

    Hillary: Dad, I have a nipple ring.
    Dave: (laughs) No, you don't.
    Hillary: Uh, yeah. Yeah, I do.
    Dave: (glares at her) No, you don't.
    Hillary: I'll go take it out.

    Dave: So, uh, you didn't listen to anything I said before?
    Mike: Look, Dad, no offense. Um, I pretty much don't listen to anything you say... ever. I mean, I listen for key words, like "Dinner's ready" or "allowance" or "Fire!", but, you know, -- the rest is just... background noise.

    Dave: (watching basketball game on TV) Yes! Rejection! In your face!
    Hillary: Daddy, will you take me to practice driving now?
    Dave: No! Rejection! In your face!
    Hillary: But you promised.
    Dave: Ah, let that be a little life lesson to you, sweetie. Men break their promises, so stay away from them, all of them, especially me when I'm watching the game. Get out of here.

    Dave: The first day of school. When you're a kid, it's the worst day of the year. When you're a parent, it's the 4th of July, New Year's Eve, and your birthday all rolled into one. In fact, I just got some back-to-school supplies. (opens a bottle of champagne and drinks it)

    Dave: (about Hillary) Okay, so for her own good, I'm gonna go upstairs right now, and I'm gonna crush that dream, okay? I'm gonna snap its little neck. Then I'm gonna stomp on it. Then I'm gonna ground it into the dirt like a little bug, you see? Then I'm gonna scrape it off the bottom of my shoe, and I'm gonna flick it at her.
    Vicky: Or... We could be caring, loving parents and pretend to support her on this, and let the rest of the world rip her heart out.
    Dave: If you want to take all the fun out of it.

    Vicky: (about Mike) He's not emotionally ready for sex. I mean, you're barely emotionally ready for sex.
    Dave: What the hell do emotions have to do with sex?

    Vicky: Dave, Hillary wants to spend the night over at a boy's house.
    Dave: No :cursing:ing way, now you go to your :cursing:ing room and don't come the :cursing: out until I :cursing:ing say so!
    (Hillary marches upstairs)
    Vicky: It's good to have you back.
  4. Hillary: Henry was a cover date.
    Dave: Oh, you hear that, Vick? The drug addict was the cover date. Who was the real date, his dealer?
    (cut scene)
    Hillary's Date: I'm not his dealer. I make it a policy never to sell drugs to minors. Dating them is one thing, but, uh, my God, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

    Larry: For some reason, my dad thinks that maybe you're gay.
    Kenny: What? Me? Gay? (laughs uncomfortably, then forces himself into loud laughter, then uncomfortable chuckling) I haven't laughed that hard since Cher announced her 15th farewell tour.

    Larry: Hey, Dad, can I have $40? I need it so I can take out this girl.
    Dave: Oh, hey, here's 50 bucks. And some Tic Tacs.
    Larry: No, thanks. I don't need those.
    Dave: Oh, yeah, you do. So, who's the girl?
    Larry: Actually, it's two girls.
    Mike: Two girls for $50? Wow, that's half what you usually pay.
    Larry: Well, I guess your mom works cheap. (laughs)
    Mike: Larry, Larry, for the last time, making "your mom" jokes to your own brother, it just defeats the whole purpose.