Since its Fathers Day. is it wrong to feel the way I do....(rant/question)

  1. Since its fathers day and eveyone here has a Father to spend the Day with or a Father image that has passed away and is still remembered in a positive way. I think today is the only day that makes me feel guilty for the way I feel toward my father. Just to give you an idea ...My dad is a Deadbeat, he left my mom and came back into her life when it was convinient for him or when he was in town. My mom had to go to work a MONTH afer giving birth me. and she's worked ever since. SHE has never asked Child Support. He use to beat her. When i was in grade 4 I remeber he asked me If I love him and for some reason with no remorse I said "no i dont love you" and i've remembered it ever since.

    Now he is old and sick and last time i called him ( last time before this was like a year or more) he yelled at me.....and hung up on me.....and knowing me I thought he didn't know how to use the phone so i kept calling back!! no one picked up...and then his kids form his first marrage (im from secong marriage) picked up and told me never to call now he is sick and dying...when people ask me...I told them hes already passed. He went back to his home country to pass away (asian thing) and the last day he was here...EVEN MY MOM WHO CAN"T STAND HIM got all dressed up with his oldest daughter (first marriage) who he's disowned because he sided with her other siblings.....we got all ready coooked dinner......and last minute he told us he didn't want to see broke my heart....I left myself open one last time...i didn't want to go but my Sister (step) (im the only child between my parent)...convinced me to....they kept telling me He's old...He loves you so on blah blah... How could a father not want to contact his daughter...he blames me for not hunting him down...(but he lives with his first marriage children and THEY DONT LIKE ME AT ALL) I am the youngest ...they make catty comments to me...and they blame me for their dad leaving their mom, I WASN"T EVEN BORN!!!. and our so called dad had left their mom long before he met my mom. But THey still resent me...and they try to make me feel little and an outcast.

    I've cried too many times not to resent the man who was suppose to love me unconditionally. My heart has been broken over and over. I've told my self I would not cry in any incidents that involved him. In my mind a father is suppose to try to keep a relationship with his children, he never did nor did I and he resents me for that. I tell people I dont love him, I thank him for life. but I owe him nothing. He feels as an asian parent that I owe him something....

    But i can say all this experiance had made me stronger....and taht If I aint't goin to cry bout my father....I sure ain't goin to cry over this!! :p ........

    well thanks for reading this is just my all the girls with wonderful father...HAPPY FATHERS DAY!!!...

    ..If you have something to get off your chest feel free to leave your story i would love to hear it...
  2. No, it's not wrong at all to feel the way you do. And it's a reminder that any man can father a child, but it takes a real special man to be a real father.
    My biological father is a deadbeat, too. Left my mother when she found out she was pregnant, they were married! He hid out at his mother's house, and then signed up for the Army. I have heard from him maybe 6 times, my entire life. My Grandmother wrote my Mom a nasty letter saying how he hates all of us. I refuse to let my life be filled with viscious, poisionous people. So, I tell people that I did a little pruning on my family tree, to keep the rest of the tree healthy and viable. :o) I don't have contact with that side of the family, at all.
    On the bright side, my Mom married my step-dad (who I call Dad) when I was 1 year old. And he has been the most nuturing, supportive,loving parent that anyone could ever hope for. He IS my Dad as far as I'm concerned. :o)
  3. Hey MissV, no of course it's not it is what it is, those are the feelings you have a right to have. You know, last year I saw an interview with Angelina J talking about her (estranged) dad, she said regarding a father-daughter relationship, it is something that is wonderful to have but she has learned it's OK not to have it as well, simply put but poignant!
  4. I am sorry this happened to you. You sound like a strong person to have dealt with all this.

    I have a rant, while we're taking rants here! My rant is that my husband's children have to be REMINDED to remember him on Father's Day. He's a super father, and will do anything for his kids. I think they take him for granted and it really bothers me. It may also be their ages, but they really don't realize how good they have it. He has always paid child support, and been extremely generous financially and emotionally supportive to his kids. We would both do anything for the girls. They really don't understand that other people (like you) did not have fathers who cared about them. That part really bugs me.
  5. It definitely isn't wrong to feel the way you do. I also have a lot of bad feelings towards my "father."

    He has emotionally abused me, my mom, and my brother forever. I'm a good kid, yet he somehow finds insignificant things to scream at me for. He also does things a father shouldn't do, and doesn't do things a father should do.

    When I was seven, I went to visit my grandmother for a few hours. When I got home, my cats were gone. He told me he gave them to a man who owned a junk yard. Years later, he told me he had abandoned them in an alley.

    When I was about to turn ten, I asked him if I could have a hermit crab for my birthday. He then started yelling about how it would stink up the whole house (hermit crabs don't smell) and I ended up running into the bathroom to cry. A couple of days later, he let me get the hermit crab. So it was all those horrible words for nothing.

    The same thing happened years later, when I wanted a rabbit. A few months earlier, my chicken, Penny, had become eggbound and died suddenly. Nothing could ever replace Penny, but I was lonely and needed another little friend to keep me company. I asked for a rabbit, and got screamed at again. He also told me, "Penny died of a broken heart, because you didn't play with her enough." I played with Penny all the time, and she died from being eggbound. A few days after "The Battle of Hailie," he took me to go buy a rabbit. Again, it was all unnecessary stress.

    On my 18th birthday, he argued with my mom over nothing and I spent the night crying because he was screaming at her so much.

    He has done and said so many horrible things. These are just some incidences that stand out. There have been times where I cried so much that I literally ran out of tears. I often wish that he'd hit me, because bruises and stuff can be proven...emotional abuse can't. The day he dies will be a very happy day for me, because then I'll finally be free.

    Sorry for the long reply...the topic just really hit home for me.

  6. MissV...I understand your pain. My biological father was not a good person in any way. I don't really want to go into any details...but he was a horrible person. So I understand the pain someone goes through when their biological parent is as you describe.

    It sounds like you did everything you could to reach out to your father. Even though he did not react in should take solace in the fact that you did everything you could.

    Father's Day can be a hard day for those of us who didn't have a true father. And Roo's post reminds us that it is hard for those dads whose children don't properly appreciate them.

    Sending hugs to you and everyone who needs them today!! :flowers:
  7. No, it's not wrong of you at all. You cannot help the feeling that you have, you just have them.

    Let me tell you about the kind of person I am because of my father...

    He left me when I was 7 years old to "find his dream" he said. He actually told me that he was going to let me make the decision... did I want daddy to live with mommy and me and my sister and be UNHAPPY or did I want daddy to move out and be HAPPY???????/ This is a question you ask a 7 year old??? Of course I said I wanted him to be happy....all the while my heart was screaming NO! NO! NO!

    I grew up feeling like I was never good enough, at anything, for anything, and surely never believed anyone could ever really love me. Even now at 37 years old I have to get an A in every class I take because if I don't I can't face that feeling of the memory of him saying things like "you got a c?" what are you stupid????

    Even now when people become my friend I never really believe that they could really want to be my friend. I know it's because of the fact that he left me and there is no worse feeling of abandonment when your father chooses to leave you. I loved him sooooo much, I was daddy's little girl, and he left me. And he never wanted to come back and live in the state we live in and share in our lives with us. I could never and still do not understand this. i have two children now and COULD NEVER EVEN IMAGINE not being in their lives until the day I die.

    I have very bad feelings about him. I still love him and long for the fact that I wanted a family so bad while growing up, but he's put me through years of torment and pain and I do not know how i will feel when he dies. Imagine that, I really don't know how I will feel.:sad:

    I hope you can talk to someone and express your feelings it always helps. As for the rest, we just have to find our way through all the bad stuff I guess.
  8. gosh, I feel better I am not the only one who has had this experience.. i think its oki not to feel positive things about ppl who have greatly disappointed us....or even treated us very poorly...

    i guess my experience is somewhat the same as the other ladies have mentioned.. my mother passed away almost 4 yrs ago and when she was still alive, she remained married to her husband (I do not like calling him father coz he never was).. anyways, he treated my mom so rudely, would throw things at her when he would be drunk.. spent all our money, i mean, he would buy beer instead of giving us allowance, my mom basically paid for all my education when i was in elementary and she really worked hard to make sure we got what we needed for school and such..

    anyways, when my family was moving here to the states, all the kids were hoping he would not be going but lo and behold, he ended up going with us (he initially said he was not going but changed his mind).. anyways, he became more responsible i guess when we moved here.. i mean, working several jobs and all.. but all this time, never respected my mom nor us kids.. we experienced so many screaming matches and physical abuse as well... he would hit my mom and i would always ask my mom, "why stay?" I could never understood when she would say "It's all for you guys.." I could not respect my mom for that choice that she made..

    anyways, fast forward to 2002, the yr my mom died... she died of cancer and the doctor did tell that exposure to cigarettes contributed to her cancer but he was so argggggggghhh, stupid that he said, "well I wasn't smoking much anyways.." my gosh, the make things worse, my mom never made a will before she died, she died angry at me coz I kept telling her to have one because we already know the kind of husband she married, but she had a stroke and from then on, she was unable to make a will.... anyways, when she passed away, my youngest sister was getting money from social security n because my sis was less than 18, her money was going to him... he never gave her any of her money even when she asked.. he always claimed that it has been used up... to make it worse, when it was time to talk about our inheritances, he hooks up with a married woman who currently lives in their home and my gosh, he seems to have forgotten all his responsibilities to his other kids.. i had been disowned because I had convictions and was not willing to do anything illegal that will cause me to go to jail and for that, I had been disowned.... I always asked my aunt and uncles.. "How can a father let their child do something if that child can possibly go to jail for doing so? Also, he tells ppl that I am a bad child because I do not respect him nor do what he says.... I am just like "why would I listen to someone who never respected me either?" He tells ppl that because I am more educated that they are, that I think that I am better than they are.... well, since he brought it up, I did tell my brother, "Yeah he is correct, I am more educated thats why I am not doing the things he wants me to do because I am using my education."

    anyways, enough of my ranting, its just that i have no respect for him whatsoever... i told my siblings about this.. i will never go back to that house until he dies.... n so far, I have kept that promise.. I had been disowned almost 3 yrs and I am fine with that..

    i guess my point is... it takes more than someone being albe to provide for the family financially to be considered a father... a real father does more than just provide financially, they respect and value the contributions of everyone in the family.... n treat others with dignity as well..
  9. I am so sorry that you were robbed of a great father/daughter relationship. I will never understand how a father can neglect his own flesh and blood. I am so very thankful for my wonderful father. He has always been by my side. I can't imagine what my life would have been like growing up without him. I am now 43 and I still look to him to share happy moments and the sad ones too. He's been an angel in my life. You sound like a strong person with a good head on your shoulders. You have reached out to him and that's all you can do. The rest is up to him. It is his loss .... and a big loss it is.
  10. MissV and all the others,

    I know exactly what you mean. My relationship with my father and his family (other children, his present wife, other family members) is a mess involving every kind of drama you can imagine. I'm trying to decide whether or not to do some "pruning" of my own because things never seem to get any better with these people.

    In fact, I spent the weekend fighting with my boyfriend because I've felt miserable for 2 weeks about this upcoming Father's Day and a potential visit with my father and his other children. I didn't realize the extent to which my guilt and disappointment over my bad relationship with my father and his family was impacting me. I've been ultra-sensitive and the slightest thing will hurt my feelings right now. I even went on a shopping spree to cheer myself up.

    I wish I could offer some advice, but I'm in the middle of the mess myself. You're not alone here.

    I feel guilty, too. I feel guilty for not having a better relationship with him and his family even though it was never my fault and even though he/they continue to treat me unkindly. I am trying to let go of the disappointment and I'm trying to have a relationship (albeit a very superficial one) with some branches of my family tree. But, we can't make people like that want to have good relationships with us, nor can we make them put in the effort it takes to improve things. At some point, we have to just walk away and realize that it really IS their loss, not ours. I truly believe that and it sounds true for you, MissV.

    I'm going to try to keep my chin up and let go of the hurt and disappointment. We are all in a better place, even if we are without our fathers, if those fathers were bad to us.

    Good luck everyone!
  11. OMG. this thread really hits home with me... I cant even attempt to write it down, it would make it all real. you are all SO brave. i wish i was.

    my heart goes out to you wonderful ladies, I give you all e-hugs and wish i could hold your hand through the tears.
  12. Sometimes, people have awful experiences, and the only way to move on and be happy is to truly move on and cut out the drama. Unfortunately, that's what I did almost 4 years ago, and I haven't really looked back. My stepdad is a decent guy, and so is my father-in-law, so I still feel like there are some responsible male figures in my life. Funnily enough, I don't really know how I will feel when he (my dad) dies, either. Probably not a lot, sadly. I hope that his wonderful second wife and non-biological kid will help him out, because I won't (after what he put me, my mom, and my sister through).
  13. I totally understand Miss V, and no, i don't think you're wrong to feel the way you do, you've been badly let down by someone who is supposed to love you unconditionally.
    Sadly, it doesn't always work out the way we want it to..:sad:

    (((Hugs))) for you xxxxx

    To cut a long story short(ish) my father lives probably about 50 miles away. I haven't seen him since i was 13.

    He claims he lost my mums phone number then suggested that he didn't feel comfortable coming round to see myself and my sister with my step dad there. (Why on earth i don't know, we are his children:rant: and it was HE who ran off and had an affair behind my mums back!!!:censor: )

    Anyway, my mum had an old phone number for him so Xmas 2003 i decided to get in contact, i don't know why, i felt like a part of me was missing...i didn't even know if he still lived at the same address.
    My mum phoned him, and yes, he was still there...but he had never come to look for us, or find out where we were (we lived at the address he had the phone number for, for 18 years)

    I've been in touch with him a handful of times since Xmas 03, but we've not met up yet. To be honest, i don't know if i would really want to, or explain to my son that this is the grandad who was never around for his mummy?:huh:

    My elder sister and two half brothers are not interested in talking to him, fullstop. Which i understand, i personally just believe in giving people second chances.:shame:

    So fathers day for me is filled with a little sadness at him never being there for me, but also with a little positive ray of light that one day we might actually be able to hold down a proper father/daughter relationship...but i don't hold out too much hope..
  14. I just wanted to add a very special quote that means alot to me:

    Anyone can be a father, but it takes someone very special to be a daddy

    In other words, sperm donors can be found anywhere.
    It's the men who truly and deeply love us, no matter what - they take us through the good and the bad times, our first bike ride, the tears, the happy days, the ups and downs of the teenage years, our first boyfriend, leaving school...those men who devote themselves in that way deserve our full devotion, whether they are our biological fathers or not. xxx:heart: